# What subtle 'tells' do you look for to determine if a person is a decent human being or not **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 9, 2016, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373 "2016-05-09T04:01:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Pantastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3bc359/32.png) [@Pantastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pantastic)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/61 "2016-05-10T13:01:06Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > Ditto if they refuse to accept any responsibility for whatever went wrong. I’ve never understood this one. It’s perfectly possible for the only thing that someone did wrong in a job or relationship is to put up with it for too long. I’ve done it with a relationship (and after we split our second couples therapist agreed that I was putting up with way more than was healthy for me), I know lots of people who have had a job with an awful boss that they should have just quit ASAP and moved on but stuck out for years, and it’s pretty typical for the victim of an abusive relationship to not have done anything but stay around too long. What you’re saying here seems to be that if someone doesn’t tell you that they’re to blame for a situation which they weren’t responsible for and couldn’t fix, you’re going to call them a bad person. I guess it’s possible you’ll accept “I didn’t leave soon enough” as accepting responsibility, but I rather suspect you’d treat it as a cop-out. ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/62 "2016-05-10T13:12:43Z")
> [@](#): > > > [@nearwildheaven](#): > > > > ditto if they refuse to accept any responsibility for whatever went wrong. > [@pantastic](#): > > i’ve never understood this one. It’s perfectly possible for the only thing that someone did wrong in a job or relationship is to put up with it for too long. I’ve done it with a relationship (and after we split our second couples therapist agreed that i was putting up with way more than was healthy for me), i know lots of people who have had a job with an awful boss that they should have just quit asap and moved on but stuck out for years, and it’s pretty typical for the victim of an abusive relationship to not have done anything but stay around too long. What you’re saying here seems to be that if someone doesn’t tell you that they’re to blame for a situation which they weren’t responsible for and couldn’t fix, you’re going to call them a bad person. I guess it’s possible you’ll accept “i didn’t leave soon enough” as accepting responsibility, but i rather suspect you’d treat it as a cop-out. That’s not exactly what was said. If one hasn’t moved on years and years after a relationship is over, and also continues to harp on it, that’s a sign of an unhealthy soul. **nearwildheaven** included more than you quoted. I think this has better context: > [@nearwildheaven](#): > > if it’s been, say, 20 years and that’s still all they want to talk about? Bye-bye. Ditto if they refuse to accept any responsibility for whatever went wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/63 "2016-05-10T14:14:38Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > I’m defining “decent human being” as someone I’d likely feel comfortable spending a lot of time around. > > Do they talk badly about someone who makes a simple mistake? Do they make a big deal out of harmless (albeit possibly mildly irritating) personality quirks? Do they frequently broadcast their prejudices and stereotypical views? Do complain more than they praise? Do they speak as if their opinions are more important than everyone else’s? Are they quick to talk shit about people behind their back? > > All of these signs point to how compassionate a person is. That’s the personality trait I value the most. This is so true. I have one co-worker who makes every little mistake a big deal. She also says “He (another co-worker) don’t like that.” She once told me that one of the high-ups would fire me because he didn’t like the way I was sweeping the floor, and one of my workers complained because I took some of the coffee from the pot he had made three days ago! Of course, it’s her excuse for what she doesn’t like, or just to make me feel bad. > [@Bullitt](#): > > Great thread, thank you for starting it, **Wesley Clark** , and thank you Dopers for your many good and heartfelt replies. I’ve learned from them. > > I agree with many replies, and will add this. To me it’s being respectful and accepting and tolerant of others with differences in culture, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, political affiliation, or disability. It’s the ability to ‘agree to disagree’, civilly. One thing I love about my Boss, and many of the Jewish people who come in the store, is their tolerance. They are willing to answer all questions about Judaism, and listen to me talk about paganism. Be extremely cautious about people who say “always” and “never.” This is a very bad sign. You “always” come in late (when I had to finish up an appointment and came in two minutes late). You “never” come back from lunch on time (I spent five minutes going over something with the Boss). ---
**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/64 "2016-05-10T14:30:22Z")
> [@BobLibDem](#): > > Dogs are a good judge of character. If dogs don’t like someone, then I don’t either. This is what I first thought of, too. I can understand someone who is cautious around a dog they don’t know, and I sympathize with someone who is fearful of dogs. But if you flat out don’t like them - and especially if they are wary of you - then I am suspicious of you. I also agree with all of the sentiments about treating waiters and other people serving you with kindness and respect. Especially if they mess up (one of the worst fights I got in with my father-in-law was when he wanted to leave a 3 cent tip for a waitress who messed up his order. “I don’t tip for bad service”, he declared. I told him he was petty.) ---
**Author:** ![Pantastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3bc359/32.png) [@Pantastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pantastic)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/65 "2016-05-10T15:27:09Z")
> [@Bullitt](#): > > That’s not exactly what was said. If one hasn’t moved on years and years after a relationship is over, and also continues to harp on it, that’s a sign of an unhealthy soul. What I quoted and commented on is, in fact, exactly what was said. You’re discussing irrelevant material that I don’t disagree with and wasn’t discussing. Saying “One thing makes me feel this way. Ditto if other thing” means that the second thing on it’s own makes you feel the same way as the fist thing, not that the second thing only makes you feel that way if the first thing is also true. And I’m only questioning the second thing, not the first. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/66 "2016-05-10T15:33:13Z")
I’m pretty sensitive to things like eye contact, but beyond that what mostly stands out for me is someone who changes personality in the presence of different persons or circumstances. Like with rich or poor, powerful or powerless, uneducated or academic. If you transform into another person with your crew, or family, that’s a big red flag for me. ---
**Author:** ![Randolph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Randolph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Randolph)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/67 "2016-05-10T15:58:31Z")
> [@panache45](#): > > > [@Grrr](#): > > > > Straight women who don’t like cats, I’m highly suspicious of. > > Why specifically straight women? Because lesbians clearly don’t like pussies. ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2016, 4:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/68 "2016-05-11T04:57:18Z")
> [@Randolph](#): > > Because lesbians clearly don’t like pussies. Wait… uhh… say what? Don’t you have that backwards? ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2016, 10:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/69 "2016-05-11T10:46:54Z")
> [@Pantastic](#): > > Mike Caro’s _Book of Poker Tells_ is actually a great read on the topic, because it talks about how most tells are actually the opposite of what you think since people almost instinctively try to use fakeout body language. Also, it was written in the 70s, so the people pictured in illustrations are amusing with 70s hair and clothes. Also there’s a short chapter in Oliver Sacks’ _The Man who Mistook His Wife for a Hat_ about a group of elderly folks with a neurological condition similar to Asperger’s. They were watching then-President Ronald Reagan give a speech on TV, and laughing uproariously. Dr. Sacks asked them why they were laughing (it wasn’t a humorous speech). It was because the President’s body language so throughly contradicted the words coming out of his mouth. ---
**Author:** ![Moonshine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5e9695/32.png) [@Moonshine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonshine)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2016, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/70 "2016-05-11T14:52:00Z")
For me, it’s holding doors open when there’s a line of people passing through. Specifically, you know how often (for example at the end of the business day) there’ll be lots of people passing through a doorway and everyone’s holding the door open a little for the person behind them as you file out, and there’s always one person who just edges through the door (being held open for them) but who can’t be bothered extending the courtesy to the next person? It’s a short step from that to being someone who doesn’t get their change ready in the supermarket check out line, and we all know what sort THAT person is! ---
**Author:** ![Lowdown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@Lowdown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lowdown)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2016, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/71 "2016-05-11T16:22:34Z")
It’s not subtle. Anyone who wears a Bluetooth earpiece in public is a douche. They might as well be wearing a sandwich board that says “I’m insecure and trying to look important.” ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2016, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/72 "2016-05-11T16:29:35Z")
Do they park illegally in handicap parking? If yes, I judge their character. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2016, 7:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/73 "2016-05-12T07:43:50Z")
People who hear a No and do anything other than accept that answer with grace. If I EVER have to say No twice to the same question, you are already on my shit list. People who regularly interrupt when others are speaking. Once or twice during animated, upbeat conversations I won’t hold against you, but if you clearly feel a need to dominate every conversation, I will notice. This takes a longer time to assess, but if someone is dishonest with me about ANYthing, I’ll be watching them much more closely, and if they lie again, buh-bye. Most patterns of deceit start with something small; I’m not sticking around for the giant complicated web. > [@jz78817](#): > > oh gawd. I was leaving Meijer one time. I started my car and _as I was putting it into reverse_ some dumbfuck who had just finished loading up her car (a few spaces away) walked the empty cart a few steps, and just _left it right behind my car and walked away._ I had just finished at a city recycling drop-off point, and was literally walking up to the driver’s door of my car, when some dumbass drove into the nearly-empty parking lot and parked in the travel lane right behind me. Because I guess turning his car to go into a marked parking slot was too hard or something – if he turned right there were several empty next to me, left and the ENTIRE ROW of slots were empty. When he got out I gave him a death glare and a loud “Would you move? I’m LEAVING.” He had the temerity to look surprised that I was there. At least he immediately got back in his car and parked it properly. No apology though, he didn’t say a word. Honestly, all of this comes down to empathy. ---
**Author:** ![Mops](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mops/32/16494_2.png) [@Mops](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mops)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2016, 12:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/74 "2016-05-12T12:32:47Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > People who hear a No and do anything other than accept that answer with grace. If I EVER have to say No twice to the same question, you are already on my shit list. … Something that annoys me no end too (a trivial example: I have been often sorely tempted to answer the question _But surely you do want another piece of cake?_ with _I just declined. Madam, did you call me a liar? If so, a friend of mine will call on a friend of yours to discuss the particulars of our meeting._), **but** I have come to accept that people who annoy me that way are not necessarily bad people. My theory: There are two type of people (with a lot of middle ground, of course - but the following is meant to illustrate the extremes): **(A)** People to whom something to say occurs, who weigh that idea, compare it to alternatives, consider the consequences, ruminate on it, debate it and hold votes on it in both lower and upper houses of their mind, sign and seal their decision, enter it into the register of statements they will be bound by, then say it. **(B)** People to whom something to say occurs, and who say it in order to try it out for size. I tend to be an (A) person and still am exasperated, sometimes sorely enraged, by (B) persons, but trying to put myself into their shoes I have realized that 1. with respect to what I say: they are not intentionally disregarding my decision - they think that my mind works like theirs, so they think what I first said was just the first thing that came to my mind, rather than my considered, final decision. 2. with respect to what they say: they are not intentionally dishonorable in what they say and won’t abide by - they think that my mind works like theirs, so they don’t expect me to consider what they said as binding on them. > [@Kaio](#): > > People who regularly interrupt when others are speaking. Once or twice during animated, upbeat conversations I won’t hold against you, but if you clearly feel a need to dominate every conversation, I will notice. … Also something that I hold against people, but I have come to discover that sometimes **the person who I think constantly interrupts me, thinks that I constantly interrupt them**. Some people, in some moods, tend to hold forth with what I consider to be a complete utterance; I begin answering only to be **rudely cut off by them** in midsentence. In the other person’s mind they had not finished their turn, just made a pause and marshalled the next few sentences, only to be **rudely interrupted by me** butting in. This happens often when the other person is someone who thinks while speaking (as opposed to before speaking), and also is someone who likes to indulge in redundancy. ---
**Author:** ![MrAtoz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@MrAtoz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrAtoz)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2016, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/75 "2016-05-12T13:43:52Z")
> [@Mops](#): > > Something that annoys me no end too (a trivial example: I have been often sorely tempted to answer the question _But surely you do want another piece of cake?_ with _I just declined. Madam, did you call me a liar? If so, a friend of mine will call on a friend of yours to discuss the particulars of our meeting._), **but** I have come to accept that people who annoy me that way are not necessarily bad people. In terms of offering/refusing food, it’s been discussed on the board before that there does seem to be a genuine divide on this issue; possibly regional, but definitely relating to the way you were raised. Some people, apparently, are taught that it’s rude to accept something the first time that it’s offered–it makes you look greedy, or like you only care about getting free food rather than the pleasure of your host’s company. You are expected to politely refuse a couple of times. Your host, in turn, will continue to politely offer until you finally give in and say, “Well, I suppose I do have room for one more slice of cake,” which you actually really wanted all along. It’s a bit of social theater. I was not raised that way, and it seems slightly perverse to me, but evidently lots of people do regard this as one of those polite fictions that we’re supposed to go through. It can be jarring when you get a mismatch between social expectations. “I turned it down the first time, and then he _never offered it again!_ How rude!” Versus, “I already said no! Why does he keep trying to get me to have more dessert? How rude!” ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2016, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/76 "2016-05-12T13:53:11Z")
People who try to get into my personal business uninvited are crossed off my list. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2016, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/77 "2016-05-12T13:56:20Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > People who hear a No and do anything other than accept that answer with grace. If I EVER have to say No twice to the same question, you are already on my shit list. I’ll admit this is a personal annoyance of mine. If I say no, I mean it. I’ll generally accept one “are you sure?” but any continued argument beyond that makes me angry. Like Mops and MrAtoz said, I try to understand that other people just have different ways of doing things but this particular one hits my button every time. It seems so dismissive; like the other person is treating you like a small child. And in my case, the opposite is also true. Don’t say no to me when I ask you if you want something with the expectation I’ll try to coax you into accepting it. ---
**Author:** ![Sampsiceramos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Sampsiceramos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampsiceramos)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2016, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/78 "2016-05-12T14:25:28Z")
In my experience, people who demand respect by virtue of their station alone are almost always unsavoury sorts - especially so in the case of parents who will constantly and histrionically demand that their children “respect me!” and afford their children no respect in return. In a similar vein, people who expect their opinions to be respected or even broadly accepted with no further justification, and take it as a personal insult when their ideas are criticized - rarely are these anything other than outright boors. ---
**Author:** ![Yarster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/7c8e57/32.png) [@Yarster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yarster)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2016, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/79 "2016-05-12T16:47:31Z")
I know I’ll get beaten up for saying this but: is the person perpetually single even if they have money and/or are good looking? This goes for both gay and straight people. And yes, I am aware that people can be naturally introverted, between relationships, loners, etc., but I will leave you with the following three anecdotes that I count as evidence of my theory. 1. Very attractive straight female in her 20s - she was our receptionist and was nice enough, but always seemed to be single or be in a relationship that was falling apart. Sure enough, when I became friends with her on Facebook, I would notice a pattern with her pictures. She would meet up with a guy, sleep with him, and then immediately move in with him, then seemingly request/demand that they do expensive activities that she wanted to do. It was constant pictures of them at Disneyland, at a play, eating out, at concerts, etc. Never a picture of them cooking at home. Then the relationship would end. My assessment? Gold-digger. 2. Attractive and rich straight male in his 40s - He was CEO of a small business where I worked for two years, and seemed like a nice guy when I interviewed with him, making me wonder why a millionaire who was in shape and looked like he did was single. Then I learned the company had a 100% turnover rate, because he never gave any of his employees raises and berated everyone in their annual reviews for anything he could find as an excuse to keep all the money for himself. He never had a relationship that lasted more than a month or two. Once on a business trip, he told me that the last four women he dated had all dumped him and gotten married to the next guy they dated. My assessment? Greedy asshole. 3. Attractive gay male in his 40s - He was a semi-successful actor who always seemed to have relationship problems. When he would stay with us, he immediately turned into a slob leaving his clothes everywhere, eating everything in our fridge without asking, and expected everyone to pay his way, because he thought he was famous since many of our friends were fans of his work. Effectively, he thought his shit didn’t stink. My assessment? Ego-maniac. In my experience, many attractive and/or rich people don’t cultivate a personality or are sociopaths, because they think they are better than everyone else. That doesn’t mean they all are, nor does it mean there aren’t plenty of poor/ugly people who are sociopaths as well, or are married even though they are assholes. So if you see that hot girl walking across the room and she’s single, before you conclude you are the luckiest guy in the world to have met her, you might want to ask yourself why none of the other guys who met her before you aren’t with her now to save yourself a lot of wasted time and/or money. ---
**Author:** ![nani](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/58956e/32.png) [@nani](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nani)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2016, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/80 "2016-05-12T23:11:12Z")
Awkwardly working in “we the people” when talking about politics raises a big red flag with me. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373.md?page=5)