# What the hell is that NOISE?!?!? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [March 30, 2003, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-hell-is-that-noise/165235 "2003-03-30T17:03:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Madame\_Zelda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Madame\_Zelda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Madame_Zelda)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2003, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-hell-is-that-noise/165235/1 "2003-03-30T17:03:13Z")
It started out as a rather innocuous thing. _beep_ As I was watching TV, trying to recover from a bout of diverticulitis, my sub-conscience picked up on the subtle _beep_ sound. Nothing too hairy, here. Just a little noise at the far reaches of my little world. _beep_ Wandered in and out of the room throughout the day, tending to the annoyances of a chronic illness _beep_ but still catching that sound on occasion. Day 2 of still not feeling well, back to the TV. _beep_ After a couple of hours of nothing to watch, but still unable to unglue myself from the boob-tube _beep_, I decide to put in a choice video and watch The Great Race. _beep_ That Jack Lemmon cracks me up! This is one of my all-time favorite movies! _beep_ Well, there’s another 2 hours down - let’s watch another classic. How about It’s A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World? _beep_ All righty, then. Hoo-boy! That Jonathan Winters is a card! _beep_ Well, this is starting to get a little annoying _beep_, so off to bed I go. Day 3 - yep, still under the weather (and over the toilet), so back to the Idiot Box. _beep_ Let’s see, how about Some Like It Hot? Yep, that’ll do. _beep_ More Jack Lemmon - did I mention he cracks me up? _beep_ Ok, this is getting really annoying, now. _beep_ “Hey, you guys. What’s making that sound?” _beep_ PARENTS: “What sound?” _beep_ HIHORSE: “That beeping sound. It’s been going on for a couple of days, now.” _beep_ PARENTS: “I don’t hear anything. What’s it sound like?” _beep_ HIHORSE: “Like a beep. Is it the smoke alarm?” _beep_ FATHER: “I don’t hear anything.” _beep_ HIHORSE: “Of course not. You couldn’t hear a freight train if you were standing on top of it!” _beep_ MOTHER: “Where’s it coming from?” _beep_ HIHORSE: “If I knew that, I could find out what it was.” _beep_ Mother wanders into the living room and begins to chatter like a magpie. _beep_ She’s nuts, you know. Poor old dear. Toys in the attic, and all. _beep_ But, God love her, she at least puts in an effort. Now, if she’d just be quiet for 30 seconds _beep_ she could hear what I’m hearing. Noooo. That would be too easy. _beep_ HIHORSE: “Check your Rascal (little motorized cart) to see if you left the key on, or if it’s the battery charger, or…something. _beep_ Hell, I don’t know - just check it out.” _beep_ MOTHER: “Nope, it’s not making any noises. _beep_ Oh, is that the sound you’re hearing?” _beep_ HIHORSE: “Why, yes…yes, it is.” _beep_ MOTHER: “What is that? Is that you?” _beep_ HIHORSE: “Oh, good grief. If it was me, do you think I’d be asking what that noise was?!?” _beep_ ::Mother wanders off again, back to her own little world:: _beep_ All 4 cats are walking around with their ears out flat, giving little starts & jumps _beep_ everytime it beeps. Once in awhile, somebodies tail will pouf up - just pffft. _beep_ If it weren’t so damned annoying, this could be kinda cute to watch. Maybe on mute. _beep_ So you wouldn’t be driven insane. _beep_ HIHORSE: “What the HELL is that NOISE?!?” _beep_ FATHER: “What’s it sound like?” _beep_ HIHORSE: “For the love of Pete, it sounds like a BEEP!! _beep_ Haven’t you been listening to me?!?” _beep_ FATHER: “Well, it’s not the smoke alarm. Just checked that.” _beep_ HIHORSE: “It almost sounds like it’s coming from the front door.” _beep_ FATHER: “Could it be the doorbell?” _beep_ HIHORSE: “Our doorbell BEEPS?!?” _beep_ FATHER: “No, I don’t think so.” _beep_ HIHORSE: “Then why did you ask me if it was the doorbell?” _beep_ FATHER: “Because you said it sounded like it was coming from the front door.” _beep_ HIHORSE: ::heavy sigh:: _beep_ FATHER: “Oh, is that the sound you’re talking about?” _beep_ HIHORSE: “Yes, oh yes. Finally! Do you have any idea what it is?” _beep_ FATHER: “Well, that sounds like it’s coming from the motorhome.” _beep_ HIHORSE: “Great, let’s go check it out before I lose my ever-lovin’ mind!” _beep_ FATHER: “No, you stay here - I don’t want you tramping around in my motorhome.” _beep_ ::what the…?!?:: So dear, old Dad ambles out to the motorhome _beep_ that, apparently, _I’m_ not allowed into and begins futzing around for what seems like an eternity. _beep_ If he doesn’t find something soon, I’m going to become homicidal. Patricidal. Nuts. Officially, nuts. _beep_ He mutters and fumbles and checks all sorts of _beep_ wires and gadgets before he determines it’s one of the detectors. _beep_ Finally, he decides it really is OK for me to “tramp around” his _beep_ motorhome, since he can’t determine if it’s the smoke detector or the CO detector that’s _beep_ making that sound. Now, these detectors have little lights on them that blink _beep_ when they make a noise, and the CO box has a display screen that gives you _beep_ messages. But Daddy-dearest can’t seem to see the light _beep_ or the display, so I have to be his eyes. I determine _beep_ from the flashing light and the _Err_ message displayed on the screen that _beep_ it’s the CO box. I wrench the dreadful little monster _beep_ from the wall and flip it over, hoping to be able to _beep_ remove the freakin’ battery. Alas, _beep_ this was not to be. It’s a sealed unit _beep_ with no screws or anything to take it apart, no _beep_ seams or anything the like. Apparently, this is a _beep_ lifetime battery and if you need to replace the battery _beep_ you have to replace the entire box. However, there are some helpful _beep_ messages on the back - things like “If you see Error in the display _beep_, please refer to your user’s manual.” HIHORSE: “Dad, it says to look in the manual to resolve the error message.” _beep_ FATHER: “Your brother-in-law didn’t give me a manual.” _beep_ HIHORSE: “What does Rex have to do with this?” _beep_ FATHER: “He’s the one that bought and installed it. _beep_ I think he just threw the packaging away.” _beep_ HIHORSE: “That’s not like him to do anything like that. _beep_ Check your folder of manuals & guides to see if he stuck it in there.” _beep_ Dear old Dad collects the folder of books for the RV, and _beep_ takes the blankety-blank box out of my hand and saunters back into the house. Finally! I can get some _beep_ peace & quiet. Ha! I say, Ha! again. _beep_ He decides that the best place to thumb through this 10" deep folder is _right…behind…ME_ !!! _beep_ For 30 freakin’ minutes! Page by page! _beep_ HIHORSE: “So help me, God, if you don’t get that thing away from me, I’m going to go postal! I’m not kidding!!” _beep_ FATHER: “Quick, Pat, hide the guns. The kid’s gonna lose it! (snicker, snicker)” _beep_ HIHORSE: “Yeah, you’re a regular laugh-riot, you are. _Please_, Daddy…I’m beggin’ you here _beep_ to please take that thing somewhere else. Please.” _beep_ FATHER: “I think I need to call Rex. I can’t find _beep_ any manual for this thing. Maybe he’s got it. Or another one.” _beep_ HIHORSE: “Great. Call him. Just take that _beep_ abomination with you. PLEASE!!” _beep_ Did I mention that Dad’s not too tightly wound either? Not as bad as Mom, _beep_ but gettin’ there. Elevator goes all the way to the top, but the doors don’t always open all the way. _beep_ He takes the CO box down the hall with him, and shoves it in a stack of towels in the _beep_ linen closet. Well, at least it’s muffled. At least it’s not right behind me. At least _mmeeep_ it’s…well, quietter. Quieter? More quiet? Less noisy. Never does call Rex. Why? _mmeeep_ I don’t know. Something in his wiring, I guess. Who knows? That’s just Dad. _mmeeep_ Day 4 - _mmeeep_ It slips into your dreams. It invades your every waking moment. It’s almost as annoying _mmeeep_ as the full-on beep. I’m going to the hardware store, I’m buying a new CO box and a sledgehammer. _mmeeep_ Anybody wanna go along? ---
**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2003, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-hell-is-that-noise/165235/2 "2003-03-30T17:18:42Z")
Oh my God- I’m sorry to laugh at your pain, but that cracked me up. Great story- the beep/meeping is even driving ME nuts now! Please feel better and I hope you get some peace soon 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![coosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@coosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/coosa)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2003, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-hell-is-that-noise/165235/3 "2003-03-30T17:59:48Z")
I have a sledge hammer you can borrow, if you’d like. 😉 (I take no responsibility for who/what you choose to use it on.) _beep_ ---
**Author:** ![Soup\_du\_jour](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@Soup\_du\_jour](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soup_du_jour)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2003, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-hell-is-that-noise/165235/4 "2003-03-30T18:19:24Z")
Ha! Funny stuff. Thanks for that laugh this Sunday morning. _beep_ ---
**Author:** ![Monty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/monty/32/47_2.png) [@Monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monty)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2003, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-hell-is-that-noise/165235/5 "2003-03-30T18:19:44Z")
If there’s any justice in life, you’re still in college or getting ready to go. Then you can use your OP for a writing assignment. That’s the best thing I’ve read in well over a year! ---
**Author:** ![Eutychus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Eutychus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eutychus)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2003, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-hell-is-that-noise/165235/6 "2003-03-30T18:20:00Z")
**Hihorse** : Great story, nicely done! maye I use this for [Teemings Extras](http://www.teemings.com/extras)? ---
**Author:** ![Madame\_Zelda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Madame\_Zelda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Madame_Zelda)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2003, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-hell-is-that-noise/165235/7 "2003-03-30T18:25:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Eutychus \* > \*\ ***Hihorse** : Great story, nicely done! maye I use this for [Teemings Extras](http://www.teemings.com/extras)? \*\* :😊: Why, I’d be _honored_. Thanks. _beep_ ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2003, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-hell-is-that-noise/165235/8 "2003-03-30T18:35:58Z")
What you need to _beep_ do is take the _beep_ detector and somehow _beep_ find a way to hide it in the _beep_ house of your worst enemy. _beep_ ---
**Author:** ![grey\_ideas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/dfb087/32.png) [@grey\_ideas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grey_ideas)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2003, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-hell-is-that-noise/165235/9 "2003-03-30T19:12:24Z")
Hihorse, That is the funniest thing I have read in a long time, excellent writing and thank you for the laugh (apologies that it is at your expense). I do hope you find a solution, I’m worried that attacking it with a sledgehammer, may just result in it letting out a somewhat flattened beep! _mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeppppp_ ---
**Author:** ![rowrrbazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rowrrbazzle/32/414_2.png) [@rowrrbazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rowrrbazzle)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2003, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-hell-is-that-noise/165235/10 "2003-03-30T21:32:27Z")
And still my family chatted pleasantly, and smiled. Was it possible they heard not? Almighty God! - no, no! They heard! — they suspected! - they knew! - they were making a mockery of my horror! — this I thought, and this I think. But anything was better than this agony! Anything was more tolerable than this derision! I could bear those hypocritical smiles no longer! I felt that I must scream or die! — and now — again! — hark! louder! louder! louder! louder! — Villains! Dissemble no more! — here, here! — It is the beeping of its hideous heart! ---
**Author:** ![mnemosyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c4cdca/32.png) [@mnemosyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mnemosyne)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2003, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-hell-is-that-noise/165235/11 "2003-03-30T22:43:27Z")
LOL. I can imagine your pain! My SO has now had 2 watches in a row die on him, and when these particular watches die, they don’t do it quietly. Rather, they screech out a very loud and painful death BEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPP, which they do for not hours, but DAYS!!! DAYS of incessant BEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPP, without the blessed silence of an intermittent death rattle. We’ve placed these watches in towels and closed them up in closets, but the sound still comes out to you, especially in the depths of night when you’re trying futilely to sleep but can’t because of the bloody BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPP. I an relate to being on the brink of insanity because of a noise you can’t stop. ---
**Author:** ![Ferris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ferris/32/11573_2.png) [@Ferris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferris)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2003, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-hell-is-that-noise/165235/12 "2003-03-30T23:22:09Z")
Excellent rant - thanks! Reminds me of when we moved into our new home and had a similar, intermittent _beep_ for days and days. It turned out to be an electronic typewriter at the bottom of a box which had been inadvertently left on and had something resting on one of the keys. Being so muffled in the box, it was almost impossible to pinpoint the location and I’d even gone as far as switching the electricity off at the mains to see whether this was some weird alarm feature of our new property that we didn’t know about. Kudos to you for making such an entertaining story out of your situation. ---
**Author:** ![DoNKeY\_BaSHeR](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f4b2a3/32.png) [@DoNKeY\_BaSHeR](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DoNKeY_BaSHeR)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2003, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-hell-is-that-noise/165235/13 "2003-03-30T23:57:08Z")
_beep-beep_ _beep-beep_ _beep-beep_ I just heard a remade rumpshaker mix which has the same smoke alarm sound as the beep in the background… I feel the pain!!! Hilarious story, made my day. ---
**Author:** ![Davebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@Davebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Davebear)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2003, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-hell-is-that-noise/165235/14 "2003-03-31T01:00:02Z")
ROFLMAO!! 😃 Beautiful! _standing ovation_ ---
**Author:** ![GusNSpot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gusnspot/32/436_2.png) [@GusNSpot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GusNSpot)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2003, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-hell-is-that-noise/165235/15 "2003-03-31T01:02:28Z")
Kinda makes you hate the Road Runner don’t it? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Brutus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Brutus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brutus)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2003, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-hell-is-that-noise/165235/16 "2003-03-31T01:03:13Z")
Now _that_ was a proper rant. Kudos! ---
**Author:** ![Ruby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/13edae/32.png) [@Ruby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruby)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2003, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-hell-is-that-noise/165235/17 "2003-03-31T01:22:19Z")
Welcome, **HiHorse**. You’ve just made my day. Your rant is one that everyone can appreciate to some degree. We’ve had the rogue smoke alarm beeps and annoying watch alarm beeps but the best one in the Ruby House was the muffled bzzzt that drove us nuts for a day and a half. We finally discovered my pager was left on vibrate in my briefcase. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Testy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c37758/32.png) [@Testy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Testy)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2003, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-hell-is-that-noise/165235/18 "2003-03-31T06:16:59Z")
My wife tends to buy beeping appliances, small clocks, timers, things like that which will NOT be quiet. Clocks that chime at 0230 in the morning, similar inventions of the devil. My remedy is simple, quiet, and non-violent. I creep through the house in the dark of night until I determine the offending appliance, gently remove it from it’s designated place, and place it gently into the freezer. Peace and quiet. Ahhhhh. The freezer effectively muffles the thing and the intense cold gets the batteries shortly thereafter. Only 2 small drawbacks to this approach; guests may be somewhat startled if they open the freezer and find a clock there. Also, the wife gets a bit peeved when her latest purchase dies. Testy ---
**Author:** ![Reuben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/54ee81/32.png) [@Reuben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reuben)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2003, 12:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-hell-is-that-noise/165235/19 "2003-03-31T12:37:43Z")
Brilliantly done, **HiHorse**. Encore! ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2003, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-hell-is-that-noise/165235/20 "2003-03-31T14:58:14Z")
Dang, that brought tears to my eyes - beautiful! And to show my appreciation, I won’t even bee… /clamps hand over mouth (_meep_) I have to second the freezer idea though. Or a sledgehammer. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-hell-is-that-noise/165235.md?page=2)