# What the Holy Hell is under our porch? True Story **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 19, 2008, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-holy-hell-is-under-our-porch-true-story/468581 "2008-10-19T00:19:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2008, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-holy-hell-is-under-our-porch-true-story/468581/41 "2008-10-19T14:29:18Z")
> [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](#): > > A homeless person, under the porch? > > Just get a flashlight & check, _dammit!_ Tape the flashlight to a pump 12 gauge and then check things out. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2008, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-holy-hell-is-under-our-porch-true-story/468581/42 "2008-10-19T14:46:05Z")
> [@emilyforce](#): > > maybe you have a crabby hermit chimpmonk? _“Alviiiiiiin…!”_ ---
**Author:** ![Wile\_E](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c37758/32.png) [@Wile\_E](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wile_E)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2008, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-holy-hell-is-under-our-porch-true-story/468581/43 "2008-10-19T14:56:42Z")
> [@Phlosphr](#): > > Well we made it through the night. Probably wasn’t a good idea for Mrs. Phlosphr to google-image Chupacabra. This morning the Core is on the rail. I went out to investigate under the morning sun [to prevent vampires, goules, or some trolls from exposing themselves] and I found a small clearing and a little dirt dug away from the base of the porch. I suppose a chipmonk could have done this, if they are making their winter den. However, I thought they had the back stone wall all sewn up as their winter lair. So this morning it remains a mystery. > > I’ll post any developments…maybe some pics. One should never google Chupacabra before going to bed. Sorry, I should have added that disclaimer. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2008, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-holy-hell-is-under-our-porch-true-story/468581/44 "2008-10-19T15:05:23Z")
> [@enipla](#): > > When I first saw this, I wondered if my Wife had done it. I donno, looking for seeds or something. My Wife thought that I had done it and was just as confused as I was. See, this just shows the importance of communication. If this had happened on Three’s Company (With Mr. Furley playing the part of the pack rat, of course), you just know that Chrissy and Jack would never have just gone ahead and _asked_ each other what was up with the flower petals. Who knows what kind of crazy hijinks would have ensued? As far as **Philosphr** ’s problem: What with all the talk about “hiding” her from the media–I’ll bet it’s Sarah Palin. ---
**Author:** ![Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spectre_of_pithecanthropus/32/12343_2.png) [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2008, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-holy-hell-is-under-our-porch-true-story/468581/45 "2008-10-19T15:15:01Z")
Do you have a pet pony who roams the neighborhood and leaves you “presents” in the morning? Now that I consider this, this sentence could allude to at least two quite different things. Seriously, what about a rabbit? Rabbits are similar to horses in their predilections and eagerly eat any sweet vegetable. ---
**Author:** ![Wile\_E](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c37758/32.png) [@Wile\_E](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wile_E)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2008, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-holy-hell-is-under-our-porch-true-story/468581/46 "2008-10-19T15:20:53Z")
> [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](#): > > Do you have a pet pony who roams the neighborhood and leaves you “presents” in the morning? Now that I consider this, this sentence could allude to at least two quite different things. > > Seriously, what about a rabbit? Rabbits are similar to horses in their predilections and eagerly eat any sweet vegetable. But rabbits are usually too short to put the apple core on the porch railing … unless, yes! that’s it! It’s a 7 foot tall invisible rabbit! He’s just waiting for you to invite him in for a drink. ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2008, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-holy-hell-is-under-our-porch-true-story/468581/47 "2008-10-19T16:37:03Z")
You have a graboid. > **[Tremors (1990 film)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Graboid)** > > Tremors is a 1990 American monster comedy horror film directed by Ron Underwood, produced by Brent Maddock and S. S. Wilson, written by Maddock, Wilson, and Underwood and starring Kevin Bacon, Fred Ward, Finn Carter, Michael Gross, and Reba McEntire. > In the film, handymen Val McKee (Bacon) and Earl Bassett (Ward) wish to leave the small desert town of Perfection, Nevada, as they are tired of their dull lives. However, they happen upon a series of mysterious deaths and a concerned seismologist ... ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2008, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-holy-hell-is-under-our-porch-true-story/468581/48 "2008-10-19T17:36:24Z")
This is pretty much the plot from a [Donald Duck](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FidMGBOx9e8) cartoon featuring Chip 'N Dale. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2008, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-holy-hell-is-under-our-porch-true-story/468581/49 "2008-10-19T17:48:10Z")
True story- my husbands post-doc adviser lived up the street from us. He was an avid gardener, with tiered gardens, flowers, veggies, the works. He was going crazy because the squirrels were eating his tomatos- or rather, taking single bites out of them. So… he built a large chicken wire cage to house his tomatos (did I mention he was an rabid, err avid, gardener?). While he was building this cage a squirrel watched while sitting on the fence post. After finishing he went inside. Later that night he came out and found, on the fence post leading into his backyard garden, a lone tomato perched on the post with a single bite missing. ---
**Author:** ![ivan\_astikov](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/58f4c7/32.png) [@ivan\_astikov](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivan_astikov)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2008, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-holy-hell-is-under-our-porch-true-story/468581/50 "2008-10-19T17:51:06Z")
> [@ZipperJJ](#): > > This is pretty much the plot from a [Donald Duck](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FidMGBOx9e8) cartoon featuring Chip 'N Dale. Life imitates art all the time. Don’t sound so surprised. ---
**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2008, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-holy-hell-is-under-our-porch-true-story/468581/51 "2008-10-19T18:12:05Z")
> [@Wile\_E](#): > > One should never google Chupacabra before going to bed. Sorry, I should have added that disclaimer. Or let them suck on a goat after midnight. ---
**Author:** ![emmaliminal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7bcc69/32.png) [@emmaliminal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emmaliminal)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2008, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-holy-hell-is-under-our-porch-true-story/468581/52 "2008-10-19T18:44:18Z")
> [@Kalhoun](#): > > Um…I don’t think we were talking about apple cores, per se. It’s a movie reference. Spooky. Fear of the unknown. That kind of thing. Sorry, didn’t see that one. I was thinking of the eeeeevil children under the porch, trying desperately to signal that they want whole apples, damnit. ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2008, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-holy-hell-is-under-our-porch-true-story/468581/53 "2008-10-19T19:00:20Z")
> [@ivan\_astikov](#): > > Life imitates art all the time. Don’t sound so surprised. I’m totally going to picture **Phlosphr** as Farmer Donald Duck from now on. ---
**Author:** ![maggenpye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecc23a/32.png) [@maggenpye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/maggenpye)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2008, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-holy-hell-is-under-our-porch-true-story/468581/54 "2008-10-19T21:01:13Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > True story- my husbands post-doc adviser lived up the street from us. He was an avid gardener, with tiered gardens, flowers, veggies, the works. He was going crazy because the squirrels were eating his tomatos- or rather, taking single bites out of them. > > So… he built a large chicken wire cage to house his tomatos (did I mention he was an rabid, err avid, gardener?). > > While he was building this cage a squirrel watched while sitting on the fence post. After finishing he went inside. Later that night he came out and found, on the fence post leading into his backyard garden, a lone tomato perched on the post with a single bite missing. My dad has a similar relationship with the blackbirds in his garden. They watch while he builds the netting cage for the strawberry plants and he swears he’s seen them _taking notes_. ---
**Author:** ![Phlosphr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@Phlosphr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phlosphr)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2008, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-holy-hell-is-under-our-porch-true-story/468581/55 "2008-10-19T21:35:37Z")
> [@ZipperJJ](#): > > I’m totally going to picture **Phlosphr** as Farmer Donald Duck from now on. Great! Now I can wear a straw hat, sailer shirt and no pants. I’m sure to get arrested… After some thought, I am going to try to replicate the circumstances of last night. I’ve placed an apple core on the ground next to the porch. If it lands on the railing tomorrow morning I’m calling Adam and Jaime from Mythbusters to come and prove there is no Chupacabra under our porch, and that my wife and I are not crazy! **Ivorytower** - that was a great story! ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2008, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-holy-hell-is-under-our-porch-true-story/468581/56 "2008-10-19T23:41:55Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > True story- my husbands post-doc adviser lived up the street from us. He was an avid gardener, with tiered gardens, flowers, veggies, the works. He was going crazy because the squirrels were eating his tomatos- or rather, taking single bites out of them. > > So… he built a large chicken wire cage to house his tomatos (did I mention he was an rabid, err avid, gardener?). > > While he was building this cage a squirrel watched while sitting on the fence post. After finishing he went inside. Later that night he came out and found, on the fence post leading into his backyard garden, a lone tomato perched on the post with a single bite missing. Similar story, also true… My girlfriend bought 100+ tulip bulbs for her garden and spent the entire morning planting tulips - under the watchful eye of a squirrel. The squirrel was certain she was burying something good to eat (why else would you bury something), and when she went inside, scampered down and started to dig up the tulips, taking a bite out of each one, discover each one not to be the delicious nut he was hoping for and moving onto the next. At this point in time, my friends second child was about three, and standing in the kitchen stark naked. She looks out the kitchen window and says “That little Fucker is eating my tulips!” The toddler hears the word…“Fucker?” “Oh, honey, that’s the squirrel’s name” So the little cherub steps out onto the back porch, stark naked, and starts calling for the squirrel…“Fucker…Fuuuuucker…Here, Fucker…” ---
**Author:** ![NinjaChick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/71c47a/32.png) [@NinjaChick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinjaChick)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2008, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-holy-hell-is-under-our-porch-true-story/468581/57 "2008-10-20T00:00:43Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > True story- my husbands post-doc adviser lived up the street from us. He was an avid gardener, with tiered gardens, flowers, veggies, the works. He was going crazy because the squirrels were eating his tomatos- or rather, taking single bites out of them. > > So… he built a large chicken wire cage to house his tomatos (did I mention he was an rabid, err avid, gardener?). > > While he was building this cage a squirrel watched while sitting on the fence post. After finishing he went inside. Later that night he came out and found, on the fence post leading into his backyard garden, a lone tomato perched on the post with a single bite missing. One summer a few years back, my mother was fruitlessly attempting to grow some tomatoes, but for most of the summer, she could not get to any that were remotely ripe before the squirrels. Our whole block, but especially the back yard, are full of big old trees that are apparently prime squirrel real-estate. So one day my mom picks me up from work, and tells me excitedly that she actually got a nice, big, ripe tomato off the plant today, before the squirrels. We do the only natural thing and swing by the grocery store to pick up some fresh mozzarella on the way home, because there’s nothing better than fresh tomato and mozzarella together. We get home and I go into the kitchen. First I notice the broken glass spread about the counter, from the trinkets on the windowsill. Then I notice some teeny paw-prints on the counter. Then I notice that there is a hole chewed through the wire-mesh screen window. Outside on the deck, right below that window, is the remainder of my mother’s tomato. Yes, a squirrel _broke into our home_ to get at that tomato. ---
**Author:** ![liberty3701](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3d9bf3/32.png) [@liberty3701](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/liberty3701)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2008, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-holy-hell-is-under-our-porch-true-story/468581/58 "2008-10-20T00:34:25Z")
You might want to be careful, even if it is just squirrels. My mom had a knife stolen off of her porch by squirrels. We found it a few weeks later, with nibble marks on the handle. And I swear I saw one of them eating a chicken wing… Carnivorous, knife-wielding squirrels. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2008, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-holy-hell-is-under-our-porch-true-story/468581/59 "2008-10-20T01:11:36Z")
**Dangerosa** and **maggenpye** - great stories! **NinjaChick** - You so win. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Phlosphr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@Phlosphr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phlosphr)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2008, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-holy-hell-is-under-our-porch-true-story/468581/60 "2008-10-20T01:48:15Z")
SOLVED!! Their friggin GREY SQUIRRELS, a whole passel of them. Listless little deviant tree gophers. I had a feeling it may have been them. They have packed a gigantic section of the porch with leaves and hay and have a huge nest under there. Mrs. P is thankful it wasn’t the chupacabra. Great story **NinjaChick** [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-holy-hell-is-under-our-porch-true-story/468581.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-holy-hell-is-under-our-porch-true-story/468581.md?page=4)