# What the ideal dangerous creature to keep in my moat? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 19, 2018, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460 "2018-05-19T14:16:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Alpha\_Twit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alpha_twit/32/265_2.png) [@Alpha\_Twit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alpha_Twit)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2018, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/1 "2018-05-19T14:16:16Z")
Based on [this thread,](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=854956) I’ve been thinking. I’ve started the process of designing my dream house and what does it need? It needs a moat filled with dangerous creatures to keep out the rabble. That’s just obvious! But what kind of animal? Crocodiles and alligators are obvious choices but that’s kind of cliché. It’s workable but not my first choice. My memory is fuzzy on this but I remember hearing about a castle somewhere in eastern Europe that has well fed bears as a moat dwelling security feature/tourist attraction. Again, workable but not ideal. Too fuzzy, cute and interesting to watch. They would attract too much attention. My choice for moat dwelling security creatures, hippopotamus. Yes, they’re big, need a huge amount of space and a staggering amount of fresh water. They’re hungry (hungry, hungry hippos) so feeding the herd would be a massive, relentless, expensive task. “Herd” you say? Yes hippos are herd animals so to keep them happy, healthy and to keep a stable breeding pool, I’m going to need at least a couple dozen of them. This is a massive investment in land and resources to keep people from coming over the wall into my keep. I’m also not sure how they would adapt to a Nebraska winter. On the plus side though, hippos have distinct advantages as moat dwellers. Aggressive and territorial, they are more than willing to stomp intruders into a fine paste. They’re physically imposing so very few people are going to think that they can just shout at them, slap them on the rump and move past them. Wild populations are also not hugely threatened. We can get hippos without damaging wild stock. This matters – have you priced lions lately? So what do you think? What animals do you keep in your moats? What my best choice for a moat dwelling creature? ---
**Author:** ![Darren\_Garrison](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/darren_garrison/32/92_2.png) [@Darren\_Garrison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darren_Garrison)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2018, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/2 "2018-05-19T14:20:58Z")
If you are willing to go with a salt water moat, [blue-ring octopodii](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue-ringed_octopus) would make a good choice. ---
**Author:** ![MindsEye\_Watering](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindseye_watering/32/3619_2.png) [@MindsEye\_Watering](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MindsEye_Watering)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2018, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/3 "2018-05-19T14:30:16Z")
[Irukandji jellyfish.](http://irukandjijellyfish.com/) Very small and hard to see. “The Irukandji is believed to be the most venomous creature in the world” Also salt water though. ---
**Author:** ![Alpha\_Twit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alpha_twit/32/265_2.png) [@Alpha\_Twit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alpha_Twit)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2018, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/4 "2018-05-19T14:36:24Z")
I kicked around the idea of using [Portuguese man-o-wars](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Portuguese_man_o%27_war) as a deterrent but decided they weren’t visual enough. I want people to get on top of the outer wall, look down into the moat and the primary defensive wall beyond that, think “NOPE!” and just turn around. ---
**Author:** ![watchwolf49](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e9c0ed/32.png) [@watchwolf49](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/watchwolf49)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2018, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/5 "2018-05-19T14:43:01Z")
Methicillin-resistant _Staphylococcus aureus_ … or MRSA … nasty stuff … ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2018, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/6 "2018-05-19T15:04:06Z")
I think lots of tiny creatures are a better deterrent that a few larger ones. Provided of course that people know about them. What you need to do is hire a bard to go about the land visiting pubs and telling tales of them. I’ve heard it said that [pirahna](http://piranha.wikia.com/wiki/File:Piranha_02.jpeg) are not actually all that interested in taking down live prey. That they prefer a corpse. So good disposal, and good PR but low scores on active defense. The [Goliath Tiger fish](https://www.wereblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/giant-piranha-5.jpg) (often mistakenly called a pirahna) is a solid freshwater choice. They are ugly, mean, hungry, unafraid of large prey and can get quite big. You’d have to heat the moat, but then that’s true across the board. Even if you pick something that survives in the cold, walking over the ice will defeat it easily. [Snakeheads](http://fishingchiangmai.com/items/giant-snakehead/)are fearsome creatures, survive the cold and can get up to three feet long. They have the added benefit of being delicious, so useful to have a mess of them in case of siege. But your local game warden will have a meltdown if you try to import them. They are such good predators that they tend to take over any environment they are introduced to. But for inducing pure terror in the hearts of enemies, nothing [can beat](https://steemit-production-imageproxy-thumbnail.s3.amazonaws.com/U5dtGUBfJWLwkFmeUEez1VGtJ2vomRY_1680x8400) the [tiny candiru.](https://i2.wp.com/towleroad.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/04/6a00d8341c730253ef00e54f1035198833-640wi.jpg) (That’s the one with backwards barbs who like to swim up a penis.) Send your bard around with a few stories and no man will enter your castle for love or money. And no worries from the game warden as it’s unable to survive a winter outside your heated pool. ---
**Author:** ![Channing\_Idaho\_Banks](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/channing_idaho_banks/32/250_2.png) [@Channing\_Idaho\_Banks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Channing_Idaho_Banks)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2018, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/7 "2018-05-19T15:05:50Z")
Wild boars should be easy to procure. If you can figure out how to get the whiskers you can start your own Brush Company. ---
**Author:** ![whitetho](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/whitetho/32/1059_2.png) [@whitetho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whitetho)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2018, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/8 "2018-05-19T15:10:27Z")
> [@Alpha\_Twit](#): > > keep out the rabble. This is a common first-time moat-owners mistake. You need something to keep out both the rabble _and the riff-raff_. ---
**Author:** ![Xema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9de053/32.png) [@Xema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Xema)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2018, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/9 "2018-05-19T15:12:49Z")
> [@Alpha\_Twit](#): > > … hippos have distinct advantages as moat dwellers. Aggressive and territorial, they are more than willing to stomp intruders into a fine paste. They’re physically imposing so very few people are going to think that they can just shout at them, slap them on the rump and move past them. This is not quite as original as you might think. Drug lord Pablo Escobar brought hippos to his vast ranch in Colombia, where, as [this article](http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-27905743) notes, they are doing well - perhaps too well. It’s fair to note that these hippos were brought in as curiosities, not guard animals. Indeed, as the article notes, they may not be particularly good in that role. They are rather inconsistent in their hostility to intruders. And to the uninitiated, they tend to seem “cuddly” rather than formidable. Crocodiles - especially the salt-water variety - have none of these shortcomings. Except when digesting a recent large meal, they are quite consistently hostile to anything that might be edible. And very few would-be intruders are likely to see them as cuddly. ---
**Author:** ![Alpha\_Twit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alpha_twit/32/265_2.png) [@Alpha\_Twit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alpha_Twit)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2018, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/10 "2018-05-19T15:20:01Z")
> [@Xema](#): > > …very few would-be intruders are likely to see them as cuddly. Well, not more than once. As I said though, crocodiles are old hat. It’s been done mate. ---
**Author:** ![Alpha\_Twit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alpha_twit/32/265_2.png) [@Alpha\_Twit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alpha_Twit)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2018, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/11 "2018-05-19T15:29:59Z")
> [@Channing\_Idaho\_Banks](#): > > Wild boars should be easy to procure. If you can figure out how to get the whiskers you can start your own Brush Company. My only problem with wild boars is that within days they would be shot, hauled over the outer wall and barbecued. Granted you could do the same thing with a hippo but it’s a much bigger challenge when the animal meal-to-be weighs over a 1,000 kilo. ---
**Author:** ![Alpha\_Twit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alpha_twit/32/265_2.png) [@Alpha\_Twit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alpha_Twit)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2018, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/12 "2018-05-19T15:35:51Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > I think lots of tiny creatures are a better deterrent that a few larger ones. Provided of course that people know about them. What you need to do is hire a bard to go about the land visiting pubs and telling tales of them. > > I’ve heard it said that [pirahna](http://piranha.wikia.com/wiki/File:Piranha_02.jpeg) are not actually all that interested in taking down live prey. That they prefer a corpse. So good disposal, and good PR but low scores on active defense. > > The [Goliath Tiger fish](https://www.wereblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/giant-piranha-5.jpg) (often mistakenly called a pirahna) is a solid freshwater choice. They are ugly, mean, hungry, unafraid of large prey and can get quite big. You’d have to heat the moat, but then that’s true across the board. Even if you pick something that survives in the cold, walking over the ice will defeat it easily. > > [Snakeheads](http://fishingchiangmai.com/items/giant-snakehead/)are fearsome creatures, survive the cold and can get up to three feet long. They have the added benefit of being delicious, so useful to have a mess of them in case of siege. But your local game warden will have a meltdown if you try to import them. They are such good predators that they tend to take over any environment they are introduced to. > > But for inducing pure terror in the hearts of enemies, nothing [can beat](https://steemit-production-imageproxy-thumbnail.s3.amazonaws.com/U5dtGUBfJWLwkFmeUEez1VGtJ2vomRY_1680x8400) the [tiny candiru.](https://i2.wp.com/towleroad.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/04/6a00d8341c730253ef00e54f1035198833-640wi.jpg) (That’s the one with backwards barbs who like to swim up a penis.) Send your bard around with a few stories and no man will enter your castle for love or money. And no worries from the game warden as it’s unable to survive a winter outside your heated pool. Yeah but how many of these creatures can kill a person outright in the time it would take them to reach the inner wall? Besides aren’t the effects of candiru shockingly overstated? Oh well, the bard can test it out - or he can do as you suggest in your first paragraph. ---
**Author:** ![Filbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/filbert/32/3433_2.png) [@Filbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Filbert)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2018, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/13 "2018-05-19T20:07:03Z")
They wouldn’t be very happy in water, but how about some cassowaries? Sure, they’re birds, but they used to be dinosaurs and they know it. Not far off human height, and unnervingly aggressive. Double up them on on a outer ring of the land, with something small and deadly in the water, so any sneaky rabble who get past the cassowaries they saw just get got by the tiny jellyfish they didn’t see. ---
**Author:** ![mixdenny](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mixdenny/32/2962_2.png) [@mixdenny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mixdenny)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2018, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/14 "2018-05-19T20:24:07Z")
C’mon guys, think out of the 4 legged box. Water moccasins. Big, writhing, cotton mouthed, hissing terror. Dennis ---
**Author:** ![BobBitchin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7ea924/32.png) [@BobBitchin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobBitchin)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2018, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/15 "2018-05-19T20:31:43Z")
> [@mixdenny](#): > > C’mon guys, think out of the 4 legged box. > > Water moccasins. Big, writhing, cotton mouthed, hissing terror. > > Dennis Outside the box? Ok. Fill the moat with exwives and divorce lawyers.:D. (Also know as I’ll see your vipers and raise you some vipers) ---
**Author:** ![Alpha\_Twit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alpha_twit/32/265_2.png) [@Alpha\_Twit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alpha_Twit)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2018, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/16 "2018-05-19T20:59:50Z")
> [@whitetho](#): > > This is a common first-time moat-owners mistake. You need something to keep out both the rabble _and the riff-raff_. I don’t know, [riff raff](http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/21700000/Riff-Raff-the-rocky-horror-picture-show-21700892-500-284.gif)can be useful and entertainingly melodic if properly trained. ---
**Author:** ![watchwolf49](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e9c0ed/32.png) [@watchwolf49](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/watchwolf49)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2018, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/17 "2018-05-19T21:00:46Z")
> [@mixdenny](#): > > C’mon guys, think out of the 4 legged box. > > Water moccasins. Big, writhing, cotton mouthed, hissing terror. > > Dennis Anacondas … ---
**Author:** ![Alpha\_Twit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alpha_twit/32/265_2.png) [@Alpha\_Twit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alpha_Twit)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2018, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/18 "2018-05-19T21:01:11Z")
> [@BobBitchin](#): > > Outside the box? Ok. > > Fill the moat with exwives and divorce lawyers.:D. > > (Also know as I’ll see your vipers and raise you some vipers) Clearly I’m willing to throw some funds into this endeavor but I couldn’t afford the hourly rate for this. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2018, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/19 "2018-05-19T21:12:29Z")
> [@Alpha\_Twit](#): > > Yeah but how many of these creatures can kill a person outright in the time it would take them to reach the inner wall? Besides aren’t the effects of candiru shockingly overstated? Oh well, the bard can test it out - or he can do as you suggest in your first paragraph. Yeah, the candiru are mostly a PR gig. Although, truly, you only have to get one soldier to stop the others coming. > [@mixdenny](#): > > C’mon guys, think out of the 4 legged box. > > Water moccasins. Big, writhing, cotton mouthed, hissing terror. > > Dennis Now you’re talking! I shuddered just reading this. I strongly advise against any salt water species. A salt water tank that big and open to the weather will be hard to keep in balance. And really, you want the freshwater resevoir - again, in case of siege. What about just planting the space with blackberry bushes? Ever tried to walk through those? ---
**Author:** ![Alpha\_Twit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alpha_twit/32/265_2.png) [@Alpha\_Twit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alpha_Twit)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2018, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/20 "2018-05-19T21:19:12Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > What about just planting the space with blackberry bushes? Ever tried to walk through those? That’s certainly viable. Maybe I’m thinking of this in the wrong way. Move away from actively dangerous defensive creatures and just focus on setting up an effective alert. I can feed 500 chihuahua for the price of one hippo and _nobody_ is getting over that wall quietly. Og help me if somebody rings the doorbell though. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460.md?page=2)