# What the ideal dangerous creature to keep in my moat? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 19, 2018, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460 "2018-05-19T14:16:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![The\_Stainless\_Steel\_Rat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_stainless_steel_rat/32/5727_2.png) [@The\_Stainless\_Steel\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Stainless_Steel_Rat)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2018, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/41 "2018-05-20T12:27:45Z")
Drain the moat and import a colony of Honey Badgers…because honey badger don’t give a shit. Of course, getting _out_ of your castle might be tricky… ---
**Author:** ![Gorsnak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gorsnak/32/7587_2.png) [@Gorsnak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gorsnak)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2018, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/42 "2018-05-20T15:07:50Z")
> [@Riemann](#): > > Yup, as Ripley famously said in Aliens, “Shoot them with remote sentry guns, it’s the only way to be sure.” Orbital nuclear weapons are not a practicable defense for a single building. ---
**Author:** ![ioioio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ioioio/32/316_2.png) [@ioioio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ioioio)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2018, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/43 "2018-05-20T15:24:42Z")
No hippos. Have you ever seen a hippo take a shit? Enormous volume and exceedingly foul smell. Your property would quickly become uninhabitable. ---
**Author:** ![drewder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/57b2e6/32.png) [@drewder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewder)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2018, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/44 "2018-05-20T18:03:43Z")
Sharks, with or without lasers. Or no animals and just fill it with sulfuric acid or boiling tar. ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2018, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/45 "2018-05-20T18:03:54Z")
Coincidentally, I am writing a story about a castle with this very problem. Moat starts out with a sea serpent (it’s a fantasy) but the sea serpent leaves at the story’s end. I hadn’t thought of getting a replacement. Keep the ideas coming! ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2018, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/46 "2018-05-20T18:18:38Z")
You want the Moat Monster from _Blue Moon Rising_. It’s monstrous and nasty and that’s all you need to know about it. ---
**Author:** ![Ignotus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/ecc23a/32.png) [@Ignotus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ignotus)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2018, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/47 "2018-05-20T18:43:26Z")
I’d fill it with bilharzia and Guinea worms. Might throw in a couple of electric eels too, for good measure. ---
**Author:** ![nightshadea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/7ba0ec/32.png) [@nightshadea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nightshadea)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2018, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/48 "2018-05-20T19:28:32Z")
> [@eschereal](#): > > Microbes – to wit, you need to drill deep into the ground and establish a moat formed from a warm spring pool like those in the Yellowstone area and make sure it is properly stocked with the appropriate microbes. A very broad moat with a chemistry that will consume anything that might be used to cross it. This means that you will need a very broad verge around your house, because those sulphrous pools smell quite unpleasant. You can stock your verge area with wolverines, because those things take no shit off of anyone. And some rabbits, to keep the wolverines from starving. Those big monitor lizards would be delightfully fearsome, but they are not very cold-tolerant. actually from what ive learned most moats were treated as open air septic tanks …all human waste runoff went directly in the moats and it got to the point that entering the castle could get unpleasant … ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2018, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/49 "2018-05-20T21:19:28Z")
> [@Alpha\_Twit](#): > > Based on [this thread,](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=854956) I’ve been thinking. > > I’ve started the process of designing my dream house and what does it need? It needs a moat filled with dangerous creatures to keep out the rabble. That’s just obvious! But what kind of animal? Crocodiles and alligators are obvious choices but that’s kind of cliché. It’s workable but not my first choice. My memory is fuzzy on this but I remember hearing about a castle somewhere in eastern Europe that has well fed bears as a moat dwelling security feature/tourist attraction. Again, workable but not ideal. Too fuzzy, cute and interesting to watch. They would attract too much attention. Anse Hatfield (of the Hatfield/McCoy feud) kept a bear on a chain for security purposes. Andrew S. Thomas, the son of a friend of his, wrote a memoir about meeting him (among other things) called _Wait Til I Winch in the Bear_. [https://www.amazon.com/Wait-Til-I-Winch-Bear/dp/0934750815](https://www.amazon.com/Wait-Til-I-Winch-Bear/dp/0934750815) ---
**Author:** ![Aquadementia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aquadementia/32/555_2.png) [@Aquadementia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aquadementia)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2018, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/50 "2018-05-20T21:30:49Z")
David Spade. Bye bye now. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2018, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/51 "2018-05-20T22:03:43Z")
Fill the moat with hyperactive 3rd graders. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2018, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/52 "2018-05-20T22:40:17Z")
I think it has to be something that terrifies most people so badly they won’t go into the moat in the first place. That eliminates all types of flesh-eating bacteria (can’t see them), hippos (mostly they just lay there, partially submerged) and pretty much all fish smaller than killer sharks. Armed, trained killer apes might work, but as we all know, _once you give the apes guns, they rise up against us!_ That narrows it down to deadly snakes and large mammals. Personally, I like wolves. They do a great snarl, they roam in packs, and their howling will scare the enemy before they ever get to the moat. ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2018, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/53 "2018-05-21T00:03:59Z")
> [@whitetho](#): > > This is a common first-time moat-owners mistake. You need something to keep out both the rabble _and the riff-raff_. Hey! I was planning on getting Riff to keep the rabble out! [![](http://www.rockymusic.org/img/rhpsphotoscolor/RHPS-CRH03-RiffRaffTimeWarpL.jpg) ](http://www.rockymusic.org/img/rhpsphotoscolor/RHPS-CRH03-RiffRaffTimeWarpL.jpg) Although the rapper of the same name could work too. > [@Alpha\_Twit](#): > > I don’t know, [riff raff](http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/21700000/Riff-Raff-the-rocky-horror-picture-show-21700892-500-284.gif)can be useful and entertainingly melodic if properly trained. Great minds think alike ----- and ours too sometimes. ---
**Author:** ![Snowboarder\_Bo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowboarder_bo/32/229_2.png) [@Snowboarder\_Bo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snowboarder_Bo)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2018, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/54 "2018-05-21T00:11:48Z")
Cassowaries. ---
**Author:** ![Alpha\_Twit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alpha_twit/32/265_2.png) [@Alpha\_Twit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alpha_Twit)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2018, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/55 "2018-05-21T00:18:46Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > I think it has to be something that terrifies most people so badly they won’t go into the moat in the first place. That eliminates … hippos (mostly they just lay there, partially submerged) I could be wrong but I don’t think most people would just happily jump into the moat and paddle around with the hippos. ---
**Author:** ![Bumbershoot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bumbershoot/32/3428_2.png) [@Bumbershoot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bumbershoot)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2018, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/56 "2018-05-21T00:40:44Z")
Mimes. They’re not intrinsically dangerous, but most people hate them and will turn & run in the opposite direction when they see one. ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2018, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/57 "2018-05-21T01:05:21Z")
> [@Bumbershoot](#): > > Mimes. They’re not intrinsically dangerous, but most people hate them and will turn & run in the opposite direction when they see one. But they reproduce so slowly and with being in crowded conditions in a moat disease and hunger are bound to take their toll; that and all those overlapping invisible boxes. No ----- I say they are too valuable a resource and a mime would be a terrible thing to waste on a project like this. Ya know ---- I’m almost ashamed of myself. ---
**Author:** ![Alpha\_Twit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alpha_twit/32/265_2.png) [@Alpha\_Twit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alpha_Twit)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2018, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/58 "2018-05-21T01:12:25Z")
> [@Bumbershoot](#): > > Mimes. They’re not intrinsically dangerous, but most people hate them and will turn & run in the opposite direction when they see one. I feel a need to remind you that the reaction to such strong stimulus is referred to as a **fight** or flight response. The only reason they would run from a moat full of mimes is so that they can go home and get their flamethrowers. ---
**Author:** ![Bumbershoot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bumbershoot/32/3428_2.png) [@Bumbershoot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bumbershoot)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2018, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/59 "2018-05-21T01:36:07Z")
> [@kopek](#): > > But they reproduce so slowly and with being in crowded conditions in a moat disease and hunger are bound to take their toll; that and all those overlapping invisible boxes. No ----- I say they are too valuable a resource and a mime would be a terrible thing to waste on a project like this. > Ya know ---- I’m almost ashamed of myself. I’m ashamed of myself for laughing at your terrible pun. > [@Alpha\_Twit](#): > > I feel a need to remind you that the reaction to such strong stimulus is referred to as a **fight** or flight response. The only reason they would run from a moat full of mimes is so that they can go home and get their flamethrowers. A flaming moat o’ mimes would be a lovely sight indeed. ---
**Author:** ![Alpha\_Twit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alpha_twit/32/265_2.png) [@Alpha\_Twit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alpha_Twit)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2018, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/60 "2018-05-21T01:53:48Z")
> [@Bumbershoot](#): > > A flaming moat o’ mimes would be a lovely sight indeed. With a keen sense of irony, I wonder how many people would mime roasting marshmallows over the flames? Mime s’mores anyone? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460.md?page=4)