# What the ideal dangerous creature to keep in my moat? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 19, 2018, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460 "2018-05-19T14:16:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2018, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/61 "2018-05-21T02:12:01Z")
> [@nightshadea](#): > > actually from what ive learned most moats were treated as open air septic tanks …all human waste runoff went directly in the moats and it got to the point that entering the castle could get unpleasant … Yup, and cover the bottom with thousands of small, sharp metal stakes and chunks of glass shards. Get cut repeatedly, limits your movement, sewage infects all the cuts. Plus they’ll never see them in all the shit. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2018, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/62 "2018-05-21T03:36:09Z")
Consider this [old battle plan](https://6a25bbd04bd33b8a843e-9626a8b6c7858057941524bfdad5f5b0.ssl.cf5.rackcdn.com/cd7eb793b3aac20a66adb5aefcec9cb7.jpg)from DeadPool. (Stop squealing you tits, it’s from the first movie.) I think the medical waste is really a good idea. Nobody wants to wade through old needles and pus bandages. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2018, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/63 "2018-05-21T03:40:50Z")
People, people, you forget the classics! There is no need for dangerous moat-dwellers if the moat itself is dangerous. And for that, I recommend lava. True, there are a few [design issues](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=510861&highlight=lava+moat), but you can’t beat the looks and lethality. ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2018, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/64 "2018-05-21T05:55:30Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > I think it has to be something that terrifies most people so badly they won’t go into the moat in the first place. Spiders it is, then. One of those[colonial species](https://linkstothedamnpaper.files.wordpress.com/2013/02/socials-spiders.jpg). [On blackberry brambles](https://briansriverlife.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/rain-spider-bush.jpg). ---
**Author:** ![Snowboarder\_Bo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowboarder_bo/32/229_2.png) [@Snowboarder\_Bo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snowboarder_Bo)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2018, 6:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/65 "2018-05-21T06:08:25Z")
> [@Snowboarder\_Bo](#): > > Cassowaries. [Seriously](https://youtu.be/yN8SL5Ntp4A?t=1m28s), [cassowaries](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mi5hp4gR_fg). ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2018, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/66 "2018-05-21T15:37:37Z")
Box jellyfish ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2018, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/67 "2018-05-21T17:06:14Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > Ah, yes. But if you have to eat them in a siege morale will nosedive. Plus after a few generations the little skulls will build up and make everybody sad. The Incas or the Aztecs grew them for food, Old Boy, hence being hairless. I understand the hides make splendid gloves and shoes. ---
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2018, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/68 "2018-05-21T17:10:27Z")
> [@Alpha\_Twit](#): > > You ever tried to get one of those through customs? Yes, I do it all the time, he’s my “emotional support” Ness/Kraken. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2018, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/69 "2018-05-21T17:22:35Z")
> [@Edward\_The\_Head](#): > > Yes, I do it all the time, he’s my “emotional support” Ness/Kraken. That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. I put on a pair of dark glasses and put a Seeing Eye harness on the kraken. ---
**Author:** ![Jasmine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jasmine/32/2964_2.png) [@Jasmine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jasmine)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2018, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/70 "2018-05-21T17:47:38Z")
Bull sharks can live in fresh water and are very aggressive. If you don’t have enough invaders, however, feeding could be an issue. You’d have to stock the moat with fish occasionally or the occasional prisoner sentenced to death. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2018, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/71 "2018-05-21T17:58:52Z")
> [@Jasmine](#): > > Bull sharks can live in fresh water and are very aggressive. If you don’t have enough invaders, however, feeding could be an issue. You’d have to stock the moat with fish occasionally or the occasional prisoner sentenced to death. Back to the chihuahuas. ---
**Author:** ![The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a87d85/32.png) [@The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_King_of_Soup)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2018, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/72 "2018-05-21T18:37:29Z")
The Hungarian water polo team. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2018, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/73 "2018-05-21T20:10:52Z")
> [@The\_Stainless\_Steel\_Rat](#): > > Drain the moat and import a colony of Honey Badgers…because honey badger don’t give a shit. Of course, getting _out_ of your castle might be tricky… The trouble with badgers is that they can become convinced the castle is theirs,and start [attempting a coup](https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2018/apr/19/very-angry-badger-causes-part-of-scottish-castle-to-be-closed-to-public). Best not invite trouble. > [@MrDibble](#): > > Spiders it is, then. One of those[colonial species](https://linkstothedamnpaper.files.wordpress.com/2013/02/socials-spiders.jpg). > > [On blackberry brambles](https://briansriverlife.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/rain-spider-bush.jpg). Nothing that can climb out of the moat and populate the castle. Pay attention people! Not to mention giving solace to the enemy! Spider webs are the best possible dressing for a bramble scratch. Spiders can not be trusted. > [@carnivorousplant](#): > > The Incas or the Aztecs grew them for food, Old Boy, hence being hairless. I understand the hides make splendid gloves and shoes. I see, and your hairless dogs will do well in the Nebraska Winter, will they? Gonna run right out ready for battle? And these ancient Aztecs with whom you plan to man the fort, they have experience with modern weapons, hmmmm? > [@Edward\_The\_Head](#): > > Yes, I do it all the time, he’s my “emotional support” Ness/Kraken. ROFL! Silly man, Nessie is freshwater, Kraken are salt! SMDH Seriously though. the Cassowaries have my attention. If you’re going to do a dry moat, I like the idea of small dinosaurs. What do they eat? ---
**Author:** ![River\_Hippie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/river_hippie/32/26_2.png) [@River\_Hippie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/River_Hippie)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2018, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/74 "2018-05-21T20:48:43Z")
Mimes playing banjo and accordions. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2018, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/75 "2018-05-21T21:39:41Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > Seriously though. the Cassowaries have my attention. If you’re going to do a dry moat, I like the idea of small dinosaurs. What do they eat? Chihuahuas. ---
**Author:** ![Alpha\_Twit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alpha_twit/32/265_2.png) [@Alpha\_Twit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alpha_Twit)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2018, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/76 "2018-05-21T21:58:10Z")
> [@River\_Hippie](#): > > Mimes playing banjo and accordions. I’m glad you didn’t suggest bagpipes. I want to protect my home without committing a war crime. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2018, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/77 "2018-05-22T00:04:22Z")
> [@Alpha\_Twit](#): > > I’m glad you didn’t suggest bagpipes. I want to protect my home without committing a war crime. Don’t be too hasty. As a last ditch defense, when the unemployed Texans, Californians, Oregonians, Aztecs, Incas and Chihuahuas make that fateful Forlorn Hope charge, you will wish you had bag pipes as a last resort. ---
**Author:** ![Alpha\_Twit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alpha_twit/32/265_2.png) [@Alpha\_Twit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alpha_Twit)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2018, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/78 "2018-05-22T00:59:20Z")
> [@carnivorousplant](#): > > Don’t be too hasty. > As a last ditch defense, when the unemployed Texans, Californians, Oregonians, Aztecs, Incas and Chihuahuas make that fateful Forlorn Hope charge, you will wish you had bag pipes as a last resort. Sometimes the price of victory is too high. I’d rather go down fighting after launching the last of my hippos from the trebuchet. What good is survival if my name is scorned as the one who resorted to [_this_?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBKBI7DOLHA) ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2018, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/79 "2018-05-22T01:36:18Z")
> [@Alpha\_Twit](#): > > Sometimes the price of victory is too high. I’d rather go down fighting after launching the last of my hippos from the trebuchet. What good is survival if my name is scorned as the one who resorted to [_this_?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBKBI7DOLHA) The chihuahuas will crunch your bones, and hear the lamentations of your hippos. Nobility or survival? When your castle falls, I will retake it with bagpipe playing Chihuahuas. Your fate is doomed! ---
**Author:** ![Alpha\_Twit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alpha_twit/32/265_2.png) [@Alpha\_Twit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alpha_Twit)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2018, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460/80 "2018-05-22T01:46:54Z")
> [@carnivorousplant](#): > > The chihuahuas will crunch your bones, and hear the lamentations of your hippos. > Nobility or survival? When your castle falls, I will retake it with bagpipe playing Chihuahuas. Your fate is doomed! Our fates are assured and my soul is prepared. How’s yours? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-the-ideal-dangerous-creature-to-keep-in-my-moat/814460.md?page=5)