# What things can a person say to you to make you lose respect instantly? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 6, 2003, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-things-can-a-person-say-to-you-to-make-you-lose-respect-instantly/211755 "2003-11-06T19:54:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2003, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-things-can-a-person-say-to-you-to-make-you-lose-respect-instantly/211755/101 "2003-11-09T20:48:16Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Shrinking Violet \* > \*\*And they’re right … the word “gay” _has_ taken on a new meaning, just as it did back in the sixties, and people back then were just as uncomprehending as you are now. This has been discussed before right here in this forum. \*\* 1. The earliest citation for “gay” meaning “homosexual” is from the 60s, not the 30s. 2. sounds like **Rubystreak** knows exactly what it means… it means people are trying to insult people or things by calling them homosexual. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2003, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-things-can-a-person-say-to-you-to-make-you-lose-respect-instantly/211755/102 "2003-11-09T20:56:59Z")
(i meant, of course, “the 30s, not the 60s”). ---
**Author:** ![Engineer\_Dude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9fc29f/32.png) [@Engineer\_Dude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Engineer_Dude)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2003, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-things-can-a-person-say-to-you-to-make-you-lose-respect-instantly/211755/103 "2003-11-09T20:59:44Z")
People who don’t want to tell you something, and then they think it’s funny and original to quote the “I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you” line from _Top Gun_. ---
**Author:** ![shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ab992/32.png) [@shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shrew)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2003, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-things-can-a-person-say-to-you-to-make-you-lose-respect-instantly/211755/104 "2003-11-09T22:26:52Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Superdude \* > Because I don’t want her sitting there all night, by the phone, waiting for me to call. But why would she sit waiting by the phone if your plans weren’t definite? > [@](#): > > “Hey…I can’t make it. I’m going [here] with [person],” I’d be perfectly fine with it. See, in my world, this is completely unacceptable. Saying, “I can’t make it. I’m going [here] with [person]” is the same as saying, “I can’t make it. I found someone else I’d rather hang out with than you.” The only instance in which this is allowed is if the replacement-person is a date/romantic interest, someone they don’t see very often, or family. I will admit, however, that a friend and I had an argument about this just last week when she bailed on our Halloween plans to see her boyfriend. I considered it karmic retribution when he had to bail on their plans because his kids called. She spent Halloween alone, which was the direct result of her choices. I’m sure I’m coming off as sounding incredibly bitchy and high-maintenance. I assure you I’m not. I’m quite laidback and non-confrontational. I simply believe in treating my friends with respect. You’re obviously a great fella, but we see respect in two different lights. > [@](#): > > And I’m not using her as my “in case of emergency” plans, and I resent the insinuation. My apologies. That was presumptuous of me and totally uncalled for. > [@](#): > > If I say “hey…let’s get together Friday,” that, IN NO WAY, solidifies ANYTHING. It does NOT mean “hey, these plans are concrete, and only the word of God can change them.” But shouldn’t your word be worth more than that? Yes, I realize you haven’t SWORN to get together on Friday, but should it take an oath for your words to mean something? Let me give you an example: if I tell one of my students, “Sure, I’ll come to your game this Friday” and then fail to show? That student will ALWAYS remember that. I would never live it down. If I am to truly be a good person (which rather boringly is my goal), then I should model the same behavior _outside_ of my position of “role model” as I do while _in_ my position of “role model”. > [@](#): > > About 5pm, a friend that I haven’t seen in a while calls. Since I haven’t heard from Rebecca, I go out to dinner with my friend Shannon. We then go to her apartment and watch a movie. I get home, and Rebecca’s called about a dozen times. No lie. I try to explain that, since she never called, it nullified any plans we had. After all, I waited FIVE frickin’ hours. She disagrees. The only way I will agree with you on this one is if you tell me **you called her** and left her a message saying, “Hey, since I haven’t heard from you, I’m making other plans.” Yes, she should have called when she said she would, but that put the ball of courtesy in your court. I think both of us have the best of intentions, to be courteous and considerate of our friends, but we go about it in different ways. ---
**Author:** ![shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ab992/32.png) [@shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shrew)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2003, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-things-can-a-person-say-to-you-to-make-you-lose-respect-instantly/211755/105 "2003-11-09T22:35:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by matt\_mcl \* > 2) sounds like **Rubystreak** knows exactly what it means… it means people are trying to insult people or things by calling them homosexual. I hate to disagree with you, **Matt** , 'cause I like you so much, but I have to say that the two definitions seem to have diverged at some point. Initially, calling something “gay” as a derogatory slur may have started under the guise of calling it “homosexual”, but I truly think the word has shifted in meaning. To give you a relevant example, the other day I was teaching my students about Hephaestus, the god of fire, who was lame. The kids said, “What was lame about him?” I said, “Well, remember that in this instance lame means crippled.” And at that they looked at me with utter disbelief and said, “Lame means crippled???” While “gay” hasn’t made quite the full circle, I’m afraid it’s well on its way. I hate to admit it, but even I’ve used the word “gay” once or twice to say something was stupid, and I’ve been marching in the Gay Pride parade since I was 18. The word simply has many different connotations now. ---
**Author:** ![Superdude](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/superdude/32/13450_2.png) [@Superdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superdude)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2003, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-things-can-a-person-say-to-you-to-make-you-lose-respect-instantly/211755/106 "2003-11-09T22:54:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by shrew \* > **But why would she sit waiting by the phone if your plans weren’t definite?** Because that’s the kind of person she is. \*\* > [@](#): > > I’m sure I’m coming off as sounding incredibly bitchy and high-maintenance. I assure you I’m not. I’m quite laidback and non-confrontational.\*\* You don’t sound that way to me. You sound like you’d be the sort of person I could hang around with and debate things ad nauseum. \*\* > [@](#): > > I simply believe in treating my friends with respect. \*\* As do I. We should just agree to disagree on this. \*\* > [@](#): > > You’re obviously a great fella, but we see respect in two different lights. \*\* I suppose that this would be the wrong time to ask, “how YOU doin’?” \*\* [quote] My apologies. That was presumptuous of me and totally uncalled for.\*\* [quote] Accepted. \*\* > [@](#): > > But shouldn’t your word be worth more than that? \*\* My word IS worth more than that. However, if nothing has been solidified, then my word was not given. > [@](#): > > **Let me give you an example: if I tell one of my students, “Sure, I’ll come to your game this Friday” and then fail to show? That student will ALWAYS remember that. I would never live it down. If I am to truly be a good person (which rather boringly is my goal), then I should model the same behavior _outside_ of my position of “role model” as I do while _in_ my position of “role model”.** The difference in your example is that you know full well what time said game starts. If something has a start time, then that’s a way of solidifying things. If, for instance, I said, “let’s go see a movie at [theater] at [time],” then, yes, THOSE are concrete plans. Nothing else is, IMHO. \*\* > [@](#): > > I think both of us have the best of intentions, to be courteous and considerate of our friends, but we go about it in different ways. \*\* I’ll agree with this statement. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2003, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-things-can-a-person-say-to-you-to-make-you-lose-respect-instantly/211755/107 "2003-11-09T23:36:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by shrew \* > **I hate to disagree with you, Matt, 'cause I like you so much, but I have to say that the two definitions seem to have diverged at some point.** So I’m supposed to put up with the name of my community being used to mean bad and stupid? That’s so black. ---
**Author:** ![shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ab992/32.png) [@shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shrew)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2003, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-things-can-a-person-say-to-you-to-make-you-lose-respect-instantly/211755/108 "2003-11-10T00:23:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by matt\_mcl \* > So I’m supposed to put up with the name of my community being used to mean bad and stupid? That’s so black. I hate to tell you, but the word “ghetto” has almost the same meaning. I’m not saying you should approve. I just hate for you to get worked up or offended over something not meant to offend. Last year, while I was in England, I was initially hugely offended by my students’ use of the word “twat” to mean “idiot” or “jerk”. Eventually, I realized they didn’t even know what it meant. Sometimes the offense is in the ears of the offended. ---
**Author:** ![shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ab992/32.png) [@shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shrew)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2003, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-things-can-a-person-say-to-you-to-make-you-lose-respect-instantly/211755/109 "2003-11-10T00:33:21Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Superdude \* > Because that’s the kind of person she is. And since you know this, you go out of your way to accommodate her idiosyncrasy? Of course you do, which is what makes you a considerate friend. > [@](#): > > As do I. We should just agree to disagree on this. Done. > [@](#): > > I suppose that this would be the wrong time to ask, “how YOU doin’?” Right as rain. And yourself? ---
**Author:** ![Mini-Thud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/779978/32.png) [@Mini-Thud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mini-Thud)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2003, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-things-can-a-person-say-to-you-to-make-you-lose-respect-instantly/211755/110 "2003-11-10T00:40:28Z")
Well, its not something that someone says… its something someone does. TYPE IN ALL CAPS! Omg I hate it when people do that… jesus would people learn that its like yelling IRL! Or when people sign off without saying bye. To me, thats like turning around and walking away from someone without saying “Hey, I gotta get goin, I’ll ttyl” ---
**Author:** ![Superdude](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/superdude/32/13450_2.png) [@Superdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superdude)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2003, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-things-can-a-person-say-to-you-to-make-you-lose-respect-instantly/211755/111 "2003-11-10T00:49:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by shrew \* > \*\*Right as rain. And yourself? \*\* Any better, and I’d be two people. Thanks for the kind words, **shrew**. I’m glad you see my perspective, even if you don’t agree with it. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2003, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-things-can-a-person-say-to-you-to-make-you-lose-respect-instantly/211755/112 "2003-11-10T00:49:37Z")
> [@](#): > > I hate to tell you, but the word “ghetto” has almost the same meaning. No one seriously goes around calling themselves “ghetto”, though. People do self-identify as gay. So if I go up to said person and remark that something stupid is “so gay”, I wouldn’t expect that person to be alright about it. It would be exactly like what **matt\_mcl** said about something being “black”. Find another word until people stop calling themselves gay. Why is that so hard to do? ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2003, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-things-can-a-person-say-to-you-to-make-you-lose-respect-instantly/211755/113 "2003-11-10T02:25:31Z")
I mean, look at it this way. Nobody seriously argues that when you say, “to jew down the price,” it’s not an insulting reference to Jews, even though I’m sure that a lot of people who used the expression (mercifully, it’s old fashioned now) didn’t have a mean thought in their heads about Jewish people. ---
**Author:** ![shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ab992/32.png) [@shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shrew)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2003, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-things-can-a-person-say-to-you-to-make-you-lose-respect-instantly/211755/114 "2003-11-10T04:06:55Z")
**Monstro** , you haven’t been in the ghetto lately, have you? I have. I teach in it everyday, and being “ghetto” is most certainly a point of pride. **Matt** , I understand your point. I just hate for you to see it as a personal attack. My dad still refers to Brazilian walnuts as “niggatoes”, but I’ve seen him say it in front of black people without the tiniest notion he has said anything offensive. He doesn’t even know what he’s saying. Words shift in meaning. That’s all I’m trying to say. ---
**Author:** ![Rubystreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Rubystreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rubystreak)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2003, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-things-can-a-person-say-to-you-to-make-you-lose-respect-instantly/211755/115 "2003-11-10T05:23:28Z")
**shrew** : In the school where I work, “ghetto” means something of low quality, cheap, or trashy. It’s not a compliment; see how unreliable these colloquialisms are? That’s why it’s not so easy to just accept these new meanings at face value. Yes, words shift meaning, but as a teacher, I cannot accept the use of the word “gay” to mean “sucky” in my classroom. It’s supposed to be a safe place for everyone; no matter how stridently anyone contends that when they say “gay” as an insult it’s not an insult to homosexuals, it is still a homophobic epithet IMO, and most every gay person I know agrees. That’s enough for me; I’d hate a student of mine to feel bad about himself because someone used that word. The word “nigga” has changed meaning too; calling someone “my nigga” is now a compliment. That is a radical change in definition taking place in the vernacular; are you suggesting that I should allow that word to be thrown around in my classroom? Nah, didn’t think so. Why? It’s still a button word and can easily be misused or misinterpreted. Same goes for “gay”; it’s still too closely tied with its original meaning to have the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval for polite or formal settings. Just because a word has changed meaning in the vernacular does NOT mean that we all just have to accept it either. I refuse to go along with this word being used this way just because all the cool kids are saying it. Not a good enough reason and a disingenuous one to boot. I guess the controversial use of these colloquialisms makes me lose respect… ---
**Author:** ![Hostile\_Dialect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e495f1/32.png) [@Hostile\_Dialect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hostile_Dialect)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2003, 7:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-things-can-a-person-say-to-you-to-make-you-lose-respect-instantly/211755/116 "2003-11-10T07:44:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ellis Dee \* > **For real? Because the “axe you a question” is one of my pet peeves. Can you pronounce scandal? How would you pronounce askew?** They’re not trying to piss you off by saying “axe”; it’s probably not intentional. A lot of people either can’t pronounce that sound, or that’s just how it was said around them when they were growing up, and they really had no choice in the matter; to me, getting annoyed at someone for pronouncing “ask” as “ax” is like getting annoyed at a nonnative English speaker who mispronounces a word because they have been pronouncing certain letters different ways their entire lives in another language. It’s not intentional, it’s just how their neural pathways or whatnot established themselves when they were young based on their environment. I doubt anybody _really_ chooses to say “ax” or mispronounce certain words. That said, there are a couple of words that just really eat at me when native English speakers (ie, people with no good excuse) use them or use them incorrectly. ‘Irregardless’ is a good example. If you think about it for half a second, you’ll realize it’s a nonsensical “word”: you’re trying to say “with no regard”, for which “regardless” works fine. “Irregardless” would mean the opposite of “with no regard”, if you apply real English grammar rules to it. I guess this isn’t intentional either, but if you apply any thought to it there’s no way it can make sense. Just _break it down_, people. Anyway, I don’t really lose any respect for someone because they say “irregardless” or whatnot, it’s just a bit annoying. Same goes for mispronouncing my name, BTW. I have a name that is fairly common for American males (of which I am one), and use the standard spelling and pronunciation. A lot of people who should know better mangle the spelling and/or pronunciation of my name anyway, dropping a vowel or changing a letter or whatnot. There is also a homonym of my name, which is a name that is (in America anyway) only given to females. _Without exception._ But people refer to me by the female version anyway, even though I am quite clearly male. How difficult is it? I’ve never heard of a guy with the female version, but a lot of people assume I have the female version anyway. My mom struggles with a similar problem–her name has a homonym that is given only to males _without exception_, and she uses the standard female spelling for her name, but people use the male name anyway or come up with “creative” spelling and pronunciation. Agh. ---
**Author:** ![Superdude](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/superdude/32/13450_2.png) [@Superdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superdude)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2003, 7:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-things-can-a-person-say-to-you-to-make-you-lose-respect-instantly/211755/117 "2003-11-10T07:55:50Z")
Okay, **fetus** , you have completely comfused me. Granted, it’s 3am, and I’m not on my game right now. What’s your first name? If you don’t mind me asking, of course. And, regarding the “irregardless” usage, it bothers me, too. As a solution, I tend to say “irrespective.” Oh, and someone who adds an extra letter to ANY word automatically gets the “nimrod” label in my book. For instance, anyone who pronounces it as “warsh.” ---
**Author:** ![Jennyrosity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@Jennyrosity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jennyrosity)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2003, 11:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-things-can-a-person-say-to-you-to-make-you-lose-respect-instantly/211755/118 "2003-11-10T11:20:57Z")
[QUOTE] \*Originally posted by Kristi \* \*\*"Why aren’t you married? " How exactly am I supposed to respond to that? Because I am unattractive to men? Because it’s too much fun sleeping with my friend’s husbands? Because I forgot? I think the best response ever given to this question appeared in Bridget Jones’ Diary: “Because, underneath my clothes, ny entire body is covered with scales.” ---
**Author:** ![Blackdragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9dc877/32.png) [@Blackdragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackdragon)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2003, 11:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-things-can-a-person-say-to-you-to-make-you-lose-respect-instantly/211755/119 "2003-11-10T11:38:22Z")
After being on hold for 45 minutes, then someone finally answering, “Sorry, the person you need to talk to left 10 minutes ago.” This happened at my bank, and the reason I was calling was they bounced someone else’s check in my account. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2003, 12:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-things-can-a-person-say-to-you-to-make-you-lose-respect-instantly/211755/120 "2003-11-10T12:43:43Z")
> [@](#): > > Monstro, you haven’t been in the ghetto lately, have you? Look at the location under my name and ask me that question again, **shrew**. No one SERIOUSLY goes around calling themselves “ghetto”. Silly children do not count. To emphasize this, go up to one of your students’ parents and call them ghetto. If you think the reaction will be positive, you are truly naive. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-things-can-a-person-say-to-you-to-make-you-lose-respect-instantly/211755.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-things-can-a-person-say-to-you-to-make-you-lose-respect-instantly/211755.md?page=7)