# What to do about an e-stalker? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2016, 12:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-about-an-e-stalker/755803 "2016-05-27T12:53:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2016, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-about-an-e-stalker/755803/21 "2016-05-27T17:01:42Z")
> [@Count\_Blucher](#): > > So you’re projecting. Interesting. Hmmmm. How do you feel about **Azeotrope** ’s projection? ---
**Author:** ![Lamar\_Mundane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/85f322/32.png) [@Lamar\_Mundane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamar_Mundane)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2016, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-about-an-e-stalker/755803/22 "2016-05-27T17:18:08Z")
I have one right here. No email, but they take my posts here and repost them on another site where they make fun of me. I told them off very bluntly on the other site, and they banned me. Most likely out of personal shame, I’m sure. I’ll bet $100 my post got deleted, too. It made these college graduates look like 14 year old boys. They took a post where I shared my grief over the loss of a friend and used it to mock me. I’m ashamed of my Alma Mater right now (although the site is not endorsed by the University.) I asked a Mod to change my name and delete that post, but nothing has happened. I don’t care anymore. I can’t read the site and don’t care to. And, if they continue their behavior, the grownups over there will smack them down. Stupid children. ---
**Author:** ![chappachula](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d2c977/32.png) [@chappachula](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chappachula)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2016, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-about-an-e-stalker/755803/23 "2016-05-27T17:23:00Z")
> [@White SIFL](#): > > So you want something that is a minor irritant to totally consume his life?. How about following both types of advice in this thread— a combination of “minor irritant” and “totally consume”? From the people who think this is a a minor irritant, the advice has been consistant: delete and ignore. From the people who think this a major problem, the advice has been constant: document everything. So why not do both: for the next 20 or 30 emails she sends, document everything. Then, for the rest of your life, just block her emails and ignore her. The documented emails should be enough to serve as legal evidence. If she goes crazy (well crazier), and tries to make physical contact with you, you may need the documentation (I am not a lawyer, so course, I don’t know for sure---- but it seems logical that , if the content is always similar, it doesn’t matter whether you have 30 emails, or 300. Maybe once a year, save and document an email from her, to show her persistance, and the timeline involved.) And after that, it’s not worth it to you to let this consume your life, so I would use the delete-and-ignore tactic. ---
**Author:** ![Riemann](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/riemann/32/3133_2.png) [@Riemann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Riemann)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2016, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-about-an-e-stalker/755803/24 "2016-05-27T17:29:00Z")
Patsy Parisi knows how to handle this. NSFW language, so I won’t link, but googling “patsy parisi gloria trillo” finds the scene. > [@](#): > > It won’t be cinematic. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2016, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-about-an-e-stalker/755803/25 "2016-05-27T18:40:57Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Hmmmm. How do you feel about **Azeotrope** ’s projection? An interesting question. What made you think of it? What did you feel as you typed it? ---
**Author:** ![Azeotrope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/0ea827/32.png) [@Azeotrope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Azeotrope)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2016, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-about-an-e-stalker/755803/26 "2016-05-27T18:53:07Z")
> [@Count\_Blucher](#): > > So you’re projecting. Interesting. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2016, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-about-an-e-stalker/755803/27 "2016-05-27T19:22:50Z")
> [@Me\_Billy](#): > > I would block them and stop reading them. Ignore her. If she pesters you in some other way, call the police. Agree. If you’re really worried, print out enough of the emails to demonstrate the length and quality of the history and file a police report, but (assuming the police will even file one) that’s about all you can do unless she escalates to something else like trying to phone you or showing up on your doorstep. Filing a police report gives you a paper trail in the event she does escalate. In the meantime, while it’s admirable to be concerned for her, it’s not your circus and not your monkeys. You’re not in a position to help her anyway, as any contact from you to her life, even if indirect (via her relatives, a doctor, or something) will only confirm to her that she’s right about you and will encourage her to keep going. Or escalate. If you want, set up a filter in gmail that directs them to a specific label and immediately archives them. After four years I’m not sure there’s any kind of benefit to you in reading them anymore; all they’re doing is stressing you out and keeping you from moving on from it. I really don’t think you need to print them out (aside from copies to give to the police, if you deem it necessary), because if Google’s servers crash to the point of actual data loss, we’ll probably have bigger issues to deal with. But don’t continue to give her your mental real estate, there’s little value in that. Tie up your loose ends, then move on. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2016, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-about-an-e-stalker/755803/28 "2016-05-27T19:41:11Z")
> [@Azeotrope](#): > > :rolleyes: :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2016, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-about-an-e-stalker/755803/29 "2016-05-27T20:24:34Z")
Should the university be informed somehow, just as an FYI that a former student is acting weird towards a professor? ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2016, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-about-an-e-stalker/755803/30 "2016-05-27T22:13:27Z")
I would just delete the gmail account (assuming that’s possible, as I’ve never tried to delete one) and forget about it. If the OP is no longer living in England, there doesn’t seem to be much reason for concern that the e-stalker will show up at his door with a list of what she has eaten for lunch for the last four years. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2016, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-about-an-e-stalker/755803/31 "2016-05-27T23:22:51Z")
> [@Azeotrope](#): > > :rolleyes: > [@Count\_Blucher](#): > > :dubious: :eek: ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2016, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-about-an-e-stalker/755803/32 "2016-05-28T14:47:42Z")
> [@Count\_Blucher](#): > > An interesting question. What made you think of it? What did you feel as you typed it? When you get uncomfortable, you tend to turn things around like this. Remember, we are here to discuss _your_ thoughts and _your_ feelings. We are about out of time. I’d like you to think about your feelings toward **Azeotrope** and make a list that we’ll tackle next week. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2016, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-about-an-e-stalker/755803/33 "2016-05-29T15:37:58Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > When you get uncomfortable, you tend to turn things around like this. Remember, we are here to discuss _your_ thoughts and _your_ feelings. > > We are about out of time. I’d like you to think about your feelings toward **Azeotrope** and make a list that we’ll tackle next week. “Here we are, having a pleasant drive, and you bring psychology into it.” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2016, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-about-an-e-stalker/755803/34 "2016-05-31T02:18:42Z")
> [@MrLee](#): > > …But now her communications have become a lot more frequent, and they have gone from ‘her being deluded about us being a romantic thing’ to full-on-psychotic-nuts. Recently, for instance, she wrote that she knew that I was staying in the same hostel as her (?), and that I had been asking the other residents about her. She told me that she would wait for me in the common room - a little while after that (presumably after my no-show), she wrote again saying that she knows that I stand outside her window to watch her getting dressed, and that I should stop hiding from her… Until I reread this, I was in the “flag as spam and forget” crowd, but this woman is seriously going into a mental breakdown of some sort. I don’t know how often someone like this goes on to act on their paranoia but I wouldn’t completely ignore it. Are you physically somewhere she could reach you? It wasn’t clear to me whether you are still even in the UK; if you’ve moved far enough away you could still spam-and-forget. I’d really suggest letting the university know, in case she is still enrolled and they have any means of helping her. I googled “mentally ill online stalker united kingdom” and got quite a few hits. None of them seemed to be along the lines of "here’s where you can report someone whom you fear is cracking up. [This one](http://www.cps.gov.uk/legal/s_to_u/stalking_and_harassment/) seems to address it from a legal standpoint, dunno if it’s of any use to your situation. ---
**Author:** ![MrLee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5f8ce5/32.png) [@MrLee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrLee)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2016, 1:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-about-an-e-stalker/755803/35 "2016-06-01T13:13:14Z")
Thanks, all. The link from Mama Zappa (the Crown Prosecution Service, who would amount to the legal cavalry should this ever become a legal issue), define stalking thusly: > [@](#): > > "Whilst there is no strict legal definition of ‘stalking’, section 2A (3) of the PHA 1997 sets out examples of acts or omissions which, in particular circumstances, are ones associated with stalking. For example, following a person, watching or spying on them or forcing contact with the victim through any means, including social media. > > The effect of such behaviour is to curtail a victim’s freedom, leaving them feeling that they constantly have to be careful. In many cases, the conduct might appear innocent ( if it were to be taken in isolation), but when carried out repeatedly so as to amount to a course of conduct, it may then cause significant alarm, harassment or distress to the victim." And harassment… > [@](#): > > In this legal guidance, the term harassment is used to cover the ‘causing alarm or distress’ offences under section 2 of the Protection from Harassment Act 1997 as amended (PHA), and ‘putting people in fear of violence’ offences under section 4 of the PHA. The term can also include harassment by two or more defendants against an individual or harassment against more than one victim. > > Although harassment is not specifically defined in section 7(2) of the PHA, it can include repeated attempts to impose unwanted communications and contact upon a victim in a manner that could be expected to cause distress or fear in any reasonable person. > > The definition of harassment was considered in Plavelil v Director of Public Prosecutions [2014] EWHC 736 (Admin), in which it was held that the repeated making of false and malicious assertions against a doctor in connection with an investigation by the GMC could amount to a course of harassment. The Court of Appeal rejected the argument that malicious allegations could not be oppressive if they could easily be rebutted. As ‘O’ has never threatened me, and does not appear to write to me in order to make me feel at risk, intimidated or uncomfortable, (and as I have never written to her to ask her to stop writing to me), she is not - as far as I can see - in any way committing a crime. I have no idea where she lives, and she most likely graduated (or dropped out from) the university where we met. I don’t even know if she is in the UK, although I am (30 or so miles north of London). If she did some real google sleuthing she could find out where I worked - so one possibility, however remote, is that she shows up at my workplace one day. I very much doubt that the university would care that one of their alumni is behaving in a slightly nutty way, but I may contact the police anyway just to get their advice. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-about-an-e-stalker/755803.md?page=1)