# What to do in case of rapture and/or hurricane **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [July 13, 2003, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-in-case-of-rapture-and-or-hurricane/188077 "2003-07-13T00:36:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f07891/32.png) [@Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Plastic_Ninja)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-in-case-of-rapture-and-or-hurricane/188077/21 "2003-07-13T05:00:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Miller \* > \*\*Alternatively, it could be a free pass to members of PFLAG. \*\* But how did they… Um. Er. OHHH! 😃 Took me a while. ---
**Author:** ![Pixiesnix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/898d66/32.png) [@Pixiesnix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pixiesnix)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-in-case-of-rapture-and-or-hurricane/188077/22 "2003-07-13T05:00:48Z")
They forgot the part about putting duct tape around your windows. ---
**Author:** ![moriah](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b2d939/32.png) [@moriah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moriah)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 6:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-in-case-of-rapture-and-or-hurricane/188077/23 "2003-07-13T06:19:18Z")
My concern is what if those taken up in the rapture are so few to notice. All we would know is that among several billion people, a few hundred go missing. No one would really notice. Wait a sec… we get unsolved missiong persons all the time! Maybe the rapture has occurred or is occurring this very moment! Well, since my top two candidates for the Antichrist have already been taken (George W. and Bill Gates), I’ll just go now and open up my rapture/earthquake/hurricane survival kit. ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 6:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-in-case-of-rapture-and-or-hurricane/188077/24 "2003-07-13T06:40:05Z")
And what if post-Rapture is really fun? Think about it. Theoretically, we’d be rid of several thousand fundies. How can that do anything but IMPROVE the world? ---
**Author:** ![gobear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8dc957/32.png) [@gobear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gobear)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 7:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-in-case-of-rapture-and-or-hurricane/188077/25 "2003-07-13T07:13:54Z")
> [@](#): > > Blessed are the green grocers? As Monty Python’s Flying Circus said: > [@](#): > > Spectator I: I think it was “Blessed are the cheesemakers”. > Bearded Man’s Wife: Aha, what’s so special about the cheesemakers? > Bearded Man: Well, obviously it’s not meant to be taken literally; it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products. Anyhoo, I really wish I could collar one of the idiot fundies spreading this crap and say, “Yo, where in the Bible did Jesus say to spend all your time waiting for the Rapture? In fact, show me where the word ‘Rapture’ is even mentioned.” Fundies usually quote II Thessalonians as their source, but it mentions the dead going into the air before the living at the Last Judgement, and it says nothing about the Rapture/Antichrist nonsense. What really gets me about the fundies is that they concentrate solely on persecuting gay folk, trying to sneak creationism into the schools, and buying those ludicrous LaHaye/Jenkins tomes on bad exegesis and simple-minded eschatology, while they totally disregard what Jesus said were the two greatest commandments: to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind, and to love your brother as you love yourself. That’s it, two simple commmandments, and beside those all else is just commentary, yet the fundies completely disobey Jesus’s words. The fundies’ fear of the Antichrist is the richest irony, for IMO fundies are anti-Christians who turn Jesus’s teachings upside down, so that instead of spreading faith, hope, and charity, they sow hate, bigotry, and fear. If anybody is the servant of Nicolae Carpathia, it’s those Biblebeating assclowns. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 7:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-in-case-of-rapture-and-or-hurricane/188077/26 "2003-07-13T07:22:52Z")
Yeah, that was the reference I was going for, **gobear**. Thank you for de-subbing my subtext. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 7:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-in-case-of-rapture-and-or-hurricane/188077/27 "2003-07-13T07:41:29Z")
Ahem, I most assuredly sure that the not all manufacturers of dairy products were included and might have to agitate for your burning at the stake if you claim otherwise. ---
**Author:** ![gobear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8dc957/32.png) [@gobear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gobear)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 7:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-in-case-of-rapture-and-or-hurricane/188077/28 "2003-07-13T07:45:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Collounsbury \* > \*\*Ahem, I most assuredly sure that the not all manufacturers of dairy products were included and might have to agitate for your burning at the stake if you claim otherwise. \*\* Ha, I’ll bet you’re one of those damned gourd-followers who will surely suffer eternally for his pernicious heresy, when it is obvious to even the simplest child that the one true path to salvation is to Follow the Shoe! ---
**Author:** ![Siege](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dbc845/32.png) [@Siege](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siege)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 9:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-in-case-of-rapture-and-or-hurricane/188077/29 "2003-07-13T09:51:31Z")
**Gobear** , you owe me – I’ve now got pieces of my brain scattered all over my monitor! Then again, it is early, and I owe you one for speaking up in favor of Christianity a few weeks ago. CJ ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 10:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-in-case-of-rapture-and-or-hurricane/188077/30 "2003-07-13T10:08:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by gobear \* > \*\*Ha, I’ll bet you’re one of those damned gourd-followers who will surely suffer eternally for his pernicious heresy, when it is obvious to even the simplest child that the one true path to salvation is to Follow the Shoe! \*\* Gourd? Gourd? Bah, and bah on the Shoe as well. I only accept the original revelation as valid. Heretic. I personally wish to move into cheese-cloth production. After this Rapture thing, I expect few if any problems in promoting cheese cloth as a clothing option, as well as means of production. ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 10:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-in-case-of-rapture-and-or-hurricane/188077/31 "2003-07-13T10:19:01Z")
Actually, further to this: > [@](#): > > What To Do In Case You Miss The Rapture? > > 1. Stay calm and do not panic. Of course not, I never panic. Indeed Rapture should open up whole new investment areas for me. (see prior posting, e.g.) > [@](#): > > 1. Realize that you are now living in the Great Tribulation. Yeah, whatever matey, right now I am living through the Great Tribulation of some kind of nasty bloody disease picked up from contaminated food supplies. Try that you schmucks. > [@](#): > > 1. Pray like you have never prayed before in your life. Start by repenting your sins. (Isn’t it a little late for that?) Sorry, I’ll be busy. Funds will have to be raised. Financing for takeovers of all those empty properties. > [@](#): > > 1. Do not take the mark at any cost. What about a discount? Say, half off with some free Xian baby sacrifices on tuesdays? > [@](#): > > 1. Set a plan in motion for survival. (Have your hurricane/earthquake/rapture kit ready, with lots of bottled water and canned beans.) Very good, except due to my current tribulations, I can only eat soups. Terribly tedious this. Oh, and regretably Vache qui rit seems to sit well, to my shame. > [@](#): > > 1. Trust no one. (Not even Jesus?) Hah, I work in the Middle East, SOP. > [@](#): > > 1. Watch for the Antichrist. (There he is! Wait, no, over there!) Right, very good. > [@](#): > > 1. Don’t give up hope! Of course not. > [@](#): > > It is crucial to understand that the decision to take the mark of the beast involved some form of a pledge of allegiance to the Antichrist, making it a spiritual decision that has only secondary economic benefits. This pledge of allegiance will mean that individuals accept the Beast’s system of government, finance, and religion. It will mean that they buy into his vision, platform, and program. Well, does his system match current IMF guidelines on macro-economic restructuring, because otherwise he’s in for some scrappy committee work to get the whole thing through. I mean imagine the bribery involved. > [@](#): > > But what is the Mark of the Beast? A UPC code, of course. They were good enough to include a diagram of a UPC symbol, pointing out where the three sixes are. That’s helpful. Does this mean they avoid UPC coded items? Look, sales opp!? Non-UPC coded goods for only double the price! Xian Safe! Kosher, Halal too, for the complete religious coverage as well. (Well this might set them off, so the K and H stuff might only go for a slight markup.) > [@](#): > > Witness the birth of a cash-less society and the ever expanding use of biometric implants to track creatures all over the world - a likely precursor to the Antichrist’s worldwide system of monitoring people. Hmmm, bit puzzled by the cash-less part. Where’s the angle. (And the fruit-makers can rot off) ---
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 10:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-in-case-of-rapture-and-or-hurricane/188077/32 "2003-07-13T10:19:53Z")
So everyone here has read the Hitchhiker’s books, right? There has to be some way of convincing all fundies that the rapture involves them being taken out into space in a gigantic spacecraft and sent off to, errr, Heaven. No, really, [he says trying to keep a straight face] all you need to do is jump right on here, and we’ll follow along later, mmmkay? ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-in-case-of-rapture-and-or-hurricane/188077/33 "2003-07-13T14:31:32Z")
I saw a bumper sticker: _In the event of Rapture, can I have your car?_ ---
**Author:** ![3waygeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/3/e95f7d/32.png) [@3waygeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/3waygeek)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-in-case-of-rapture-and-or-hurricane/188077/34 "2003-07-13T15:58:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Princhester \* > \*\*There has to be some way of convincing all fundies that the rapture involves them being taken out into space in a gigantic spacecraft and sent off to, errr, Heaven. No, really, [he says trying to keep a straight face] all you need to do is jump right on here, and we’ll follow along later, mmmkay? \*\* [It’s been done](http://www.rickross.com/groups/heavensgate.html); the hardest part will be convincing the male fundies to [castrate](http://www.positiveatheism.org/writ/heavgate.htm) themselves. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-in-case-of-rapture-and-or-hurricane/188077/35 "2003-07-13T15:59:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Collounsbury \* > Sorry, I’ll be busy. Funds will have to be raised. Financing for takeovers of all those empty properties. And if the price is right I’ll be glad to set you up with a few certified pre-owned (by the raptured) cars. I imagine a few of them will have been owned by wealthy fundies. **ivylass** , though, is a bit late … dear, I’m afraid you’ll have to take second fiddle, but you can always work for commission! ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-in-case-of-rapture-and-or-hurricane/188077/36 "2003-07-13T16:06:30Z")
I want to know-how many people really take this seriously? I’ve never come across anyone like that around here, but then, Pittsburgh, at least as far as I’m aware, does not have a HUGE fundie population… ---
**Author:** ![neofishboy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/neofishboy/32/444_2.png) [@neofishboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neofishboy)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-in-case-of-rapture-and-or-hurricane/188077/37 "2003-07-13T20:40:51Z")
If y’all could just indulge me for a second…I _really_ need to get this out of my system… > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by gobear \* > Ha, I’ll bet you’re one of those damned gourd-followers who will surely suffer eternally for his pernicious heresy, when it is obvious to even the simplest child that the one true path to salvation is to Follow the \*\*Shoe! \*\* **IT’S A SANDAL!!** Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-in-case-of-rapture-and-or-hurricane/188077/38 "2003-07-13T20:44:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by neofishboy \* > \*\*If y’all could just indulge me for a second…I _really_ need to get this out of my system… > > **IT’S A SANDAL!!** > > Thank you. \*\* Splitter! ---
**Author:** ![Polycarp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Polycarp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polycarp)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-in-case-of-rapture-and-or-hurricane/188077/39 "2003-07-13T21:06:17Z")
I must thank **SanibelMan** for leading me to an insight I would otherwise have missed. According to the flyer he describes, the preparations one should make for the Rapture are nearly indistinguishable from those one should make for a hurricane (setting to one side their speculations about the nature of the Mark of the Beast). This suggests to me that the physical aspect of the Rapture – what an earth scientist would describe it as – is some form of cyclonic storm system. This being the case then, I am confused as to why its strongest advocates assume that it will not include the Friends of Dorothy. 😃 ♫♫ _And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true_ ♫♫ ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2003, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-in-case-of-rapture-and-or-hurricane/188077/40 "2003-07-13T22:11:13Z")
I’ll be OK I guess; with great effort, I just managed to materialise three small pineapples and a kiwifruit. For those of you who have only managed to wish tomatoes into existence, rest assured - the botanical definition of ‘fruit’ is on your side. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-in-case-of-rapture-and-or-hurricane/188077.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-in-case-of-rapture-and-or-hurricane/188077.md?page=3)