# What to do when constantly accused of lying **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 29, 2009, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-when-constantly-accused-of-lying/512004 "2009-09-29T17:05:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2009, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-when-constantly-accused-of-lying/512004/21 "2009-09-29T17:41:41Z")
My Grandfather told me that if someone accuses you of something completely outside your character, they are telling you something about their own character. IME he has never been proven wrong on this. To a man (and woman) everyone who accused me of a fault or action that I would never even consider, turned out to be doing the thing or owning the fault themselves. If you are very serious about this relationship, then tell her in no uncertain terms that you find this extremely offensive, and you are done being nice about it. Give her a couple of weeks to break the habit, and call her on it then immediately end the conversation any time she does it. Never again continue a conversation in which this occurs. My bet is that she gets a power surge from you begging her to believe what you’ve said. Ick! It remains to be seen whether she willbe interested in continuing a relationship in which you insist upon being treated respectfully. ---
**Author:** ![Translucent\_Daydream](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/translucent_daydream/32/16170_2.png) [@Translucent\_Daydream](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Translucent_Daydream)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2009, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-when-constantly-accused-of-lying/512004/22 "2009-09-29T17:45:08Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > My Grandfather told me that if someone accuses you of something completely outside your character, they are telling you something about their own character. IME he has never been proven wrong on this. To a man (and woman) everyone who accused me of a fault or action that I would never even consider, turned out to be doing the thing or owning the fault themselves. > > If you are very serious about this relationship, then tell her in no uncertain terms that you find this extremely offensive, and you are done being nice about it. Give her a couple of weeks to break the habit, and call her on it then immediately end the conversation any time she does it. Never again continue a conversation in which this occurs. > > My bet is that she gets a power surge from you begging her to believe what you’ve said. Ick! > > It remains to be seen whether she willbe interested in continuing a relationship in which you insist upon being treated respectfully. I will do this. I hadn’t thought of the whole “doing your best to find the fault you are trying to hide in others.” dammit ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2009, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-when-constantly-accused-of-lying/512004/23 "2009-09-29T17:45:39Z")
When I saw the title of the thread, I thought “Oh, he must not be looking people in the eye, or he shifts his weight, or does other things that make him not seem believable to many people”. This is an issue with the person, very clearly. It sounds like she’s jealous - and doesn’t want you to believe all the little things you’ve done. Sounds like she has some insecurity issues too - movie star? I nominate leaving to the nth degree. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2009, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-when-constantly-accused-of-lying/512004/24 "2009-09-29T18:21:18Z")
This sounds like an obnoxious and, yes, revealing bad habit of hers. Or a sign of an awful sense of humor. Possibly somewhat Persian-related, I don’t know (I have Western-indoctrinated Iranian friends who occasionally tell me about standard rules in their families e.g. if someone offers you something you have to refuse three times before accepting). ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2009, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-when-constantly-accused-of-lying/512004/25 "2009-09-29T18:23:30Z")
I was going to brush it off as a bad figure of speech (like telling someone, “You’re insane!” when they say something funny or unusual, but not meaning they’re clinically insane), but when the OP said that she accuses him of saying to her that she lies all the time… not a good sign, I think. Probably the Very Serious Conversation (followed up by sticking to his guns) is the way to go. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2009, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-when-constantly-accused-of-lying/512004/26 "2009-09-29T18:24:40Z")
Well, how do you guys deal with other issues in your relationship. Because I can tell you that a “whatever” on an issue that genuinely bothered me would be cause for a fight, and I am a fairly easy-going person these days! I can’t even imagine getting a response like “whatever”. How do you deal with other issues? Does she respect you on other things? Because this sounds like a total lack of respect. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2009, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-when-constantly-accused-of-lying/512004/27 "2009-09-29T18:31:39Z")
Cheat on her, then deny it. You are being accused, might as well. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2009, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-when-constantly-accused-of-lying/512004/28 "2009-09-29T18:48:30Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Well, how do you guys deal with other issues in your relationship. Because I can tell you that a “whatever” on an issue that genuinely bothered me would be cause for a fight, and I am a fairly easy-going person these days! I can’t even imagine getting a response like “whatever”. Agreed 247.3%. No matter how well everything else is going, that’s a major issue. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2009, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-when-constantly-accused-of-lying/512004/29 "2009-09-29T19:02:24Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Hey, I think you’re onto something! > > But I don’t know if I’d chalk it up to being a Persian thing. There’s a joke about lying like a rug in here somewhere… ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2009, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-when-constantly-accused-of-lying/512004/30 "2009-09-29T19:10:01Z")
Yeah, I was about to say: if she does this regularly and is sincerely accusing you, odds are that she’s actually lying about stuff to you. Guilty conscience and all that. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2009, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-when-constantly-accused-of-lying/512004/31 "2009-09-29T19:11:24Z")
I did once have a roommate with the annoying habit of saying “Nuh-uh. You’re _lying_!” to anything that someone else would have just flickered an eyebrow. Say something to which a normal person might say, “Really?!” and she’d instead say, “Oh, SHUT UP!” It came across as really offensive - and big surprise, she was annoying and juvenile in a lot of other respects as well - but this was one thing where it was genuinely a case of … I dunno, almost like using a dialect of a language. So the OP’s case _could_ be something like that. But I doubt it. I’m reading between the lines, sure, but only seeing disrespect, mistrust, and deep-seated insecurities when I do that. (On the lady’s part, not the OP’s, in case I need to make that clear.) ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2009, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-when-constantly-accused-of-lying/512004/32 "2009-09-29T19:39:09Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > My Grandfather told me that if someone accuses you of something completely outside your character, they are telling you something about their own character. IME he has never been proven wrong on this. To a man (and woman) everyone who accused me of a fault or action that I would never even consider, turned out to be doing the thing or owning the fault themselves. Quoted for truth. (As a corollary, in my limited experience, it’s usually selfish people who accuse others of being selfish.) ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2009, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-when-constantly-accused-of-lying/512004/33 "2009-09-29T19:55:44Z")
> [@Translucent\_Daydream](#): > > I will do this. I hadn’t thought of the whole “doing your best to find the fault you are trying to hide in others.” > > dammit I know. I’m sorry. It seems to be my fate to be the one who says what has to be said. Be strong. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2009, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-when-constantly-accused-of-lying/512004/34 "2009-09-29T20:20:58Z")
Let us know how it goes, **Translucent Daydream**. Nothing like a follow-up to give us all a little satisfaction! But the fact that she responded to your concern with “whatever” PLUS the fact that you called it “obligatory,” meaning she does that all the time? That’s a bad sign, honey. Someone who cares about you will care about how the things she does make you feel. I don’t know how to articulate it better than that. ---
**Author:** ![Translucent\_Daydream](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/translucent_daydream/32/16170_2.png) [@Translucent\_Daydream](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Translucent_Daydream)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2009, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-when-constantly-accused-of-lying/512004/35 "2009-09-29T20:25:51Z")
> [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > Let us know how it goes, **Translucent Daydream**. Nothing like a follow-up to give us all a little satisfaction! > > But the fact that she responded to your concern with “whatever” PLUS the fact that you called it “obligatory,” meaning she does that all the time? That’s a bad sign, honey. > > Someone who cares about you will care about how the things she does make you feel. I don’t know how to articulate it better than that. I’ll do that. I will see her in a few hours. ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2009, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-when-constantly-accused-of-lying/512004/36 "2009-09-29T20:44:56Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > I thought the correct term was now “Iranian”. Every Persian I’ve ever met has self-identified as and preferred to be called Persian. ---
**Author:** ![Sage\_Rat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sage_rat/32/399_2.png) [@Sage\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sage_Rat)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2009, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-when-constantly-accused-of-lying/512004/37 "2009-09-29T20:58:02Z")
> [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > Every Persian I’ve ever met has self-identified as and preferred to be called Persian. Every Bob I have met has self-identified as and preferred to be called Bob. Roberts on the other hand… ---
**Author:** ![Translucent\_Daydream](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/translucent_daydream/32/16170_2.png) [@Translucent\_Daydream](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Translucent_Daydream)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2009, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-when-constantly-accused-of-lying/512004/38 "2009-09-29T21:01:18Z")
> [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > Every Persian I’ve ever met has self-identified as and preferred to be called Persian. Yeah her family isn’t down with the new regime so they don’t like the whole “Islamic Repulic of Iran” thing. They prefer to be called Persians. (at least this family does) ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2009, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-when-constantly-accused-of-lying/512004/39 "2009-09-29T21:07:08Z")
One of my kitchenmates (the only one who could cook already) is from Iran. I assume he doesn’t have a personal problem with the new regime. The Idiot (a coworker at UM) was from Iran except when he wanted to bitch and moan about being so poor that he had to live in a mere 4K/month house by himself, with no body servants (of course he neither cooked nor cleaned), although he should by all rights have inherited a satrapy (which wouldn’t have happened by then anyway, as both his father and grandfather were hale and healthy). When he wanted to pout, he was Persian. There, two anecdote points. ---
**Author:** ![Markxxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@Markxxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Markxxx)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2009, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-when-constantly-accused-of-lying/512004/40 "2009-09-29T21:50:57Z")
Your girlfriend has a behaviour pattern that is unacceptable to you. You have two choices, learn to live with it or leave. She has two choices, change her behaviour or lose you. Remember it takes two to make a good relationship but it only takes one to make a bad relationship [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-when-constantly-accused-of-lying/512004.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-do-when-constantly-accused-of-lying/512004.md?page=3)