# What to look for in a family therapist? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 10, 2012, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-look-for-in-a-family-therapist/618398 "2012-04-10T19:13:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![living\_in\_hell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3d9bf3/32.png) [@living\_in\_hell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/living_in_hell)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2012, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-look-for-in-a-family-therapist/618398/21 "2012-04-12T01:29:38Z")
Ask the school staff who they’d recommend. DBT is excellent if modified appropriately for a child. If not, seek a behavior specialist. If you see the words “psychodynamic” or “supportive” run away as fast as you can. Unless you want to sit around with someone who gets off on mental masturbation. Here’s my beef about most therapy: it sucks. Approximately 80% of people seeking “therapy” can benefit from 1-3 sessions. 10% 6-8 (with the understanding that there can be multiple brief episodes). 10% 1-2 years at most. Anything else is ineffective. It keeps people sick and dependent. It feeds therapist wallets and egos. It’s not measurable and often lacks goals. Anyone who accesses therapy “just to talk” needs a friend, not a therapist. No one would use medical care the way they use therapy. Go when you’re in need; live life when you don’t. Sorry to hijack this thread with my soapbox but seriously–the majority of therapists suck. ---
**Author:** ![Brynda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e79b87/32.png) [@Brynda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynda)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2012, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-look-for-in-a-family-therapist/618398/22 "2012-04-12T04:39:22Z")
Are those figures based on research or just WAGs? ---
**Author:** ![grude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47774/32.png) [@grude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grude)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2012, 7:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-look-for-in-a-family-therapist/618398/23 "2012-04-12T07:59:41Z")
> [@living\_in\_hell](#): > > Anyone who accesses therapy “just to talk” needs a friend, not a therapist. I know before I agree with this everyone will react negatively, but THIS^ X 1,000,000 OP right off the bat I’d suggest you and your husband discuss HIS issues first, your son isn’t doing anything out of the ordinary for a six year old. Your husband is the one blowing up and getting jealous of his own son which is pretty out there. It sounds like you are using the mundane school issues to sneak your husband in to talk to someone, I’d skip that and get straight to it. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2012, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-look-for-in-a-family-therapist/618398/24 "2012-04-12T18:03:21Z")
What **grude** said. It is hard to concentrate when you’re constantly on edge. The son’s behavior may be a symptom of the family’s dysfunction, and I hate to think of him being tagged as the problem. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2012, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-look-for-in-a-family-therapist/618398/25 "2012-04-12T19:57:31Z")
Oh, and since the acronym has been thrown around and I had to go look it up, here’s some info about DBT: [Dialectical behavior therapy](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy) Neither an endorsement nor a criticism, just an FYI in case anyone needs more info the way I did. I do think that the OP’s husban may benefit from separate, individual, counseling, although whether that would be instead of or in addition to family therapy is beyond me to speculate. ---
**Author:** ![living\_in\_hell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3d9bf3/32.png) [@living\_in\_hell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/living_in_hell)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2012, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-look-for-in-a-family-therapist/618398/26 "2012-04-12T23:46:19Z")
Thanks Grude. I’m so disgusted by the amount of mental masturbation that occurs in most therapy. “ooooh let’s sit around and pathologize you and make everything horrible and now you will need me more and ps its all your mother’s fault anyway.” How is this helpful? How does this support people getting back into life? Where’s the research on the effectiveness of long-term psychoanalysis? Oh right. There isn’t any. So pretty much that therapist is charging someone to feel better about their own self. Awesome. ---
**Author:** ![Brynda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e79b87/32.png) [@Brynda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynda)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2012, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-look-for-in-a-family-therapist/618398/27 "2012-04-13T01:52:39Z")
So, living in hell, what gives you so much insight into “most therapists” and “most therapy”? As for the rest of your post, it doesn’t make enough sense to try to answer. Back to the OP, I agree with the person above who suggested therapy for your husband. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2012, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-look-for-in-a-family-therapist/618398/28 "2012-04-13T02:10:22Z")
> [@Rilchiam](#): > > What **grude** said. It is hard to concentrate when you’re constantly on edge. The son’s behavior may be a symptom of the family’s dysfunction, and I hate to think of him being tagged as the problem. I don’t think our son is the problem. I think we could use some tools to communicate better with each other and for both my husband and son to learn to express their frustration and anger in more appropriate ways. Plus, I need to figure out how I can pull back and let them sort out their own problems. I’m usually successful, but sometimes when things escalate, I can’t help myself and step in, then I turn into the good cop, my husband is the bad cop and my son clings more tightly to me. I was thrilled that he was so willing to see someone - I’m glad that he’s willing to seek help with me. Thanks for all the suggestions so far. ---
**Author:** ![Brynda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e79b87/32.png) [@Brynda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynda)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2012, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-look-for-in-a-family-therapist/618398/29 "2012-04-13T03:10:46Z")
> [@overlyverbose](#): > > I don’t think our son is the problem. I think we could use some tools to communicate better with each other and for both my husband and son to learn to express their frustration and anger in more appropriate ways. > > Plus, I need to figure out how I can pull back and let them sort out their own problems. I’m usually successful, but sometimes when things escalate, I can’t help myself and step in, then I turn into the good cop, my husband is the bad cop and my son clings more tightly to me. > > I was thrilled that he was so willing to see someone - I’m glad that he’s willing to seek help with me. > > Thanks for all the suggestions so far. That’s a good first step. Best wishes. ---
**Author:** ![living\_in\_hell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3d9bf3/32.png) [@living\_in\_hell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/living_in_hell)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2012, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-look-for-in-a-family-therapist/618398/30 "2012-04-13T14:09:07Z")
Hey Brynda–settle down and stop being so defensive! No one said you are a horrible clinician. It’s an online forum where people are allowed to share their opinions. It’s not an attack on you if those opinions are different than yours, and/or your experiences. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2012, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-look-for-in-a-family-therapist/618398/31 "2012-04-13T14:37:58Z")
Sounds like the kind of family stress overload that is pretty common. I don’t know any particular way to find a counselor, but it’s probably like finding help from most other professionals and you’ll have to meet a few before you find what you’re looking for. It actually sounds a little scary to me because it sounds like my life starting school. My father was an angry man, and things did not go well. Is your husband stressed at work? Maybe coming home he’s looking for tranquility and isn’t handling minor family problems well as a result. The thing that makes me curious is the way you decribe your son’s problems at school. You don’t mention anything about whether he’s actually learning and advancing, just feedback from a teacher about work habits. Not everyone learns in the same way, and education (IMHO) should be about the results, not the process. Maybe a lot of the problem lies in expectations and perceptions. If your child has learning issue, it’s not his fault, and shouldn’t be something that causes strife. And if he’s simply not living up to someone’s expectations, that wouldn’t be his fault either. Maybe the only problem is the perception of problem. Anyway, I hope it all works out for you. ---
**Author:** ![FlyByNight512](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/82dd89/32.png) [@FlyByNight512](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FlyByNight512)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2012, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-look-for-in-a-family-therapist/618398/32 "2012-04-13T15:27:33Z")
> [@living\_in\_hell](#): > > Here’s my beef about most therapy: it sucks. Approximately 80% of people seeking “therapy” can benefit from 1-3 sessions. 10% 6-8 (with the understanding that there can be multiple brief episodes). 10% 1-2 years at most. Anything else is ineffective. It keeps people sick and dependent. It feeds therapist wallets and egos. It’s not measurable and often lacks goals. Anyone who accesses therapy “just to talk” needs a friend, not a therapist. > > No one would use medical care the way they use therapy. Go when you’re in need; live life when you don’t. > > Sorry to hijack this thread with my soapbox but seriously–the majority of therapists suck. Any cites for this? ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2012, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-look-for-in-a-family-therapist/618398/33 "2012-04-13T15:38:25Z")
> [@living\_in\_hell](#): > > Thanks Grude. I’m so disgusted by the amount of mental masturbation that occurs in most therapy. “ooooh let’s sit around and pathologize you and make everything horrible and now you will need me more and ps its all your mother’s fault anyway.” How is this helpful? How does this support people getting back into life? Where’s the research on the effectiveness of long-term psychoanalysis? Oh right. There isn’t any. So pretty much that therapist is charging someone to feel better about their own self. Awesome. Pssst. None of that has anything to do with the OP, who is looking for a professional to give her and her family tools to deal with certain situations. That’s not “mental masturbation” and you’re not being helpful. ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2012, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-look-for-in-a-family-therapist/618398/34 "2012-04-13T18:00:17Z")
> [@living\_in\_hell](#): > > Hey Brynda–settle down and stop being so defensive! No one said you are a horrible clinician. It’s an online forum where people are allowed to share their opinions. It’s not an attack on you if those opinions are different than yours, and/or your experiences. Everyone’s entitled to their own opinions, but no one is entitled to their own facts. So, is there some reason why we should believe that you’re not just making shit up? ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2012, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-look-for-in-a-family-therapist/618398/35 "2012-04-13T18:37:57Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > Sounds like the kind of family stress overload that is pretty common. I don’t know any particular way to find a counselor, but it’s probably like finding help from most other professionals and you’ll have to meet a few before you find what you’re looking for. > > It actually sounds a little scary to me because it sounds like my life starting school. My father was an angry man, and things did not go well. Is your husband stressed at work? Maybe coming home he’s looking for tranquility and isn’t handling minor family problems well as a result. > > The thing that makes me curious is the way you decribe your son’s problems at school. You don’t mention anything about whether he’s actually learning and advancing, just feedback from a teacher about work habits. Not everyone learns in the same way, and education (IMHO) should be about the results, not the process. Maybe a lot of the problem lies in expectations and perceptions. If your child has learning issue, it’s not his fault, and shouldn’t be something that causes strife. And if he’s simply not living up to someone’s expectations, that wouldn’t be his fault either. Maybe the only problem is the perception of problem. > > Anyway, I hope it all works out for you. Good questions, all. My husband owns his own company. He’s fairly stressed, though I also work full time, frequently more hours. Part of my problem is that he complains so much and I just knuckle down and do what needs doing, so I sometimes find it hard to sympathize. Even though I never say that I’m sure it comes through. However, i just resigned from my job yesterday so work hours won’t be at issue for a while. With respect to our son, he’s above grade level as far as achievement goes so I’m also a bit miffed with his teacher. My husband has very high expectations though and wants him to do even more. I want him to have some mental downtime, so we conflict on that too. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2012, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-look-for-in-a-family-therapist/618398/36 "2012-04-13T19:14:01Z")
> [@overlyverbose](#): > > Good questions, all. My husband owns his own company. He’s fairly stressed… Well that’s stress that I’m very familiar with. It can be difficult to stop being a businessman around your family. I’m not sure this was a problem ever fully resolved in my family. I’d just say we managed to survive it. > [@](#): > > With respect to our son, he’s above grade level as far as achievement goes so I’m also a bit miffed with his teacher. I’m with you on that one. > [@](#): > > My husband has very high expectations though and wants him to do even more. I want him to have some mental downtime, so we conflict on that too. He’s 6! What kind of expectations does he have? I see a pretty bleak future here. This is hitting really close to home for me. There are plenty of ways for a father to screw up his son, and pressure to achieve has to be the surest. There’s nothing a boy needs more from his father than approval, and pointing out failure to achieve the father’s expectations is nothing but a signal of disapproval. Boy would I like to go full TriPolar on this guy. But seriously, maybe he’s not realizing he can be coming across that way. Funny thing is, unrealistic expectations are a mom’s job. Good luck with all this. ---
**Author:** ![living\_in\_hell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3d9bf3/32.png) [@living\_in\_hell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/living_in_hell)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2012, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-look-for-in-a-family-therapist/618398/37 "2012-04-13T19:16:10Z")
Yep you’re right. Seriously. I totally hijacked this thread with my own soapbox. I will stop. Carry on! ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2012, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-look-for-in-a-family-therapist/618398/38 "2012-04-13T19:17:09Z")
Can any parents here recommend a book that might guide **overly** ’s husband through what are and aren’t age-appropriate expectations? Would the kid’s pediatrician be of any help with that? ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2012, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-look-for-in-a-family-therapist/618398/39 "2012-04-20T03:14:14Z")
Thought I’d bump this one last time - my husband and I found a therapist we think we’ll be comfortable with. She has a lot of experience helping families and young children and my husband is willing to open up to her. I hope this will work. Thanks, everyone, for all the comments and suggestions! ---
**Author:** ![Kozmik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8dc957/32.png) [@Kozmik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kozmik)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2012, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-look-for-in-a-family-therapist/618398/40 "2012-04-20T03:15:49Z")
Family bliss or double your money back. 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-look-for-in-a-family-therapist/618398.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-look-for-in-a-family-therapist/618398.md?page=3)