# What to say to someone who had one twin baby stillborn? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 8, 2012, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-say-to-someone-who-had-one-twin-baby-stillborn/624517 "2012-06-08T16:23:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2012, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-say-to-someone-who-had-one-twin-baby-stillborn/624517/21 "2012-06-10T22:41:43Z")
Being as it’s a neighbor and not a friend, I think I’d be likely to send a condolence card, and only mention it verbally if they brought it up. I’d congratulate the heck out of them and coo over the baby, but let them take the lead on the stillbirth issue. They can appreciate your acknowledgement (or not) in private when they get the card, and decide whether or not you’re the person they’d actually like to talk to about it. ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2012, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-say-to-someone-who-had-one-twin-baby-stillborn/624517/22 "2012-06-10T22:49:25Z")
> [@Loach](#): > > I personally would love it if casual acquaintances don’t bring up the painful things in my life. Why would I want to revisit things with people who are barely more than strangers? Agreed. Mentioning this at all is just going to make you look heartless to these people. Especially since they lost the baby a while ago and the other twin is healthy and happy. Congratulate them and move on. ---
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2012, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-say-to-someone-who-had-one-twin-baby-stillborn/624517/23 "2012-06-10T23:18:18Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > Being as it’s a neighbor and not a friend, I think I’d be likely to send a condolence card, and only mention it verbally if they brought it up. I’d congratulate the heck out of them and coo over the baby, but let them take the lead on the stillbirth issue. > > They can appreciate your acknowledgement (or not) in private when they get the card, and decide whether or not you’re the person they’d actually like to talk to about it. That’s probably how I would handle it. That way you’re acknowledging the tragedy (which I do think is important) but allowing them to decide if they want to actually talk about it or not. ---
**Author:** ![cynyc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f05b48/32.png) [@cynyc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cynyc)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2012, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-say-to-someone-who-had-one-twin-baby-stillborn/624517/24 "2012-06-10T23:37:44Z")
Thank the gods they have one left. There is really nothing to say at this point other than sorry about the sister or brother and let it go. People in grief hate lame shit like “How are you feeling?” (How the F do you think I feel?) etc and so on. And no there isn’t anything you can _do_, so drop that one too. Hope this is helpful. I lost my edit. I meant to add save the casseroles for a few months or so when the parents of a newborn will really need it. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Rand\_Rover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/db5fbb/32.png) [@Rand\_Rover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rand_Rover)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2012, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-say-to-someone-who-had-one-twin-baby-stillborn/624517/25 "2012-06-11T00:01:01Z")
> [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > I’ve never been in that particular situation. > > I don’t see that you need to mention the deceased twin at all. I think it’s perfectly fine to treat the surviving baby as you would any other baby, and in fact not make any mention of its sibling. > > The parents have had enough people convey their condolences, they might even appreciate someone simply admiring their child instead of casting a pall over the whole thing by bringing up that badness…again. > > Anyway, I can’t imagine they’d be offended if you didn’t say anything about it. Well, this situation sucks. The above is what I would do. I would think the parents would want to put the past behind them and enjoy the new baby (especially if it’s their first). Here’s a weird angle on this that points toward using the above strategy: I couldn’t imagine having twins, a baby is enough work without having two at a time. So I can imagine some (buried, never acknowledged, and extremely guilt-inducing) relief at not having two (and I’m talking a back-of-the-mind, never really think that “out loud” sort of thing). So, not mentioning the other one would serve to not bring this to the fore (if it’s there at all). ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2012, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-say-to-someone-who-had-one-twin-baby-stillborn/624517/26 "2012-06-11T00:13:32Z")
I’m not sure if anyone close to you has ever lost a child to miscarriage or stillbirth, **Rand Rover** , but for every single one of my friends who have, the very last thing they want to do is “put it behind them,” especially during the first year. They’re grieving, some more than others, and it’s generally a human response to seek or appreciate sympathy during times of grieving. Again, this is muddied by the fact that the people in questions aren’t good friends, and they may want to do their grieving with their friends, not their neighbors, but in general the “put it behind them” theory doesn’t hold. ---
**Author:** ![Rand\_Rover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/db5fbb/32.png) [@Rand\_Rover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rand_Rover)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2012, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-say-to-someone-who-had-one-twin-baby-stillborn/624517/27 "2012-06-11T00:57:24Z")
Well, I would submit to you that “losing one of a set of twins” is different than your ordinary “losing a child to still-birth.” Not only is it an additional issue that muddies the waters, it makes it a whole new thing really. There’s lots of different mental stuff probably going on in the parent’s heads. For example, they may think that they might somehow project their sadness onto the living kid so that the kid grows up thinking that it’s not good enough and has to live for two somehow. I’ve actually done some thinking and talking to people about this subject because my wife was one of a set of twins and the other was stillborn. Bottom line, my two cents: the whole thing sucks, but your neighbor just had a new kid, so just say “congrats on the new kid” and let them deal with the other kid in their own way. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2012, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-say-to-someone-who-had-one-twin-baby-stillborn/624517/28 "2012-06-11T01:17:57Z")
I would come right out and ask your neighbor how her son and daughter-in-law would like you to do. This is really a bitter sweet moment and everyone is going to react differently. When we lost our baby, my wife really liked people asking about and commenting on the baby as if he had been fine. by that I mean to comment on how cute he was, etc. A good friend of mine asked me a couple of months later if he should do anything, since they hadn’t really done or said anything at the moment. He wondered if saying anything at that stage would actually be worse, in case it was something which we were getting over and saying something would cause additional pain. From our experience, it’s not a cold that you get over in a week or a broken bone which heals in a month or two. It takes time, and having others acknowledging the loss was helpful. People often struggle to try to say something which is comforting. I wouldn’t worry too much about that because you are not going to say something magical which will make all the pain disappear. For many, just mentioning the loss is enough to let them know that you are sympathetic without trying to force a good thought on them. ---
**Author:** ![prettydorky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f04885/32.png) [@prettydorky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/prettydorky)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2012, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-say-to-someone-who-had-one-twin-baby-stillborn/624517/29 "2012-06-11T01:22:32Z")
I’d certainly acknowledge the loss. Give what would be a normal condolence based on your relationship, and a normal congratulation of the same type. Do them both one after the other, but not contingent on each other. Use ‘also’, or ‘and’ instead of ‘but’. I’d say feel it out. If they walk up thrusting out the new baby, commence cooing. If the baby is sleeping in the carseat or they walk up and shake hands first or whatever, lead with the sympathies. Just do what comes naturally to you, and they should take it in the spirit in which it was given. You’re obviously a caring acquaintance and not “Mom’s wretched battleaxe of a neighbor.” ---
**Author:** ![StephenG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7feea3/32.png) [@StephenG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StephenG)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2012, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-say-to-someone-who-had-one-twin-baby-stillborn/624517/30 "2012-06-11T02:46:12Z")
My wife and I were in a similar situation. She was pregnant with twins, one of them died at 27 weeks and 5 days, and the other was born at 32 weeks. (For those wondering, the birth was a Caesarean section and the dead twin was removed after the living twin.) It was certainly a raw wound and a bitter sweet time – not the least of which, because our son was born so early, he was in the NICU for a month and we had to leave the hospital without any babies. How did we handle it? How should you deal with them? A lot is going to have to depend on the individuals. (I think someone upthread said it already, but no one grieves in the same way.) Sympathy and condolences were appreciated, but it wasn’t what we wanted to dwell on. Our attention had to be on our living son, both for our sakes and for his. But, by no means did that mean we had forgotten our dead son or weren’t thinking about him – then, or still, 3.5 year later. We named them both when they were born, and they were equally in our thoughts … but we could not, and did not, talk a great deal about the one who wasn’t with us. My thoughts are scattered and so perhaps less than helpful, but to sum up: Acknowledgement was good. There’s no chance we’d forgotten, and so it wasn’t like you were reminding us. To do otherwise would be creating an elephant in the room … but the focus was on the happy, living baby. He was our joy. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2012, 7:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-say-to-someone-who-had-one-twin-baby-stillborn/624517/31 "2012-06-11T07:28:37Z")
> [@Ellen\_Cherry](#): > > Yes, definitely mention it. “What a darling baby! Congratulations! And I’m so sorry about the loss of your child.” > > Just because they came as two doesn’t mean they aren’t grieving the loss of a child. However, having one living child makes it easier to bear; I say this as someone who had a baby within a year of losing a child. (That pregnancy and subsequent birth gave me joy to look forward to and focus on while I grieved my loss.) This. Coo joyfully over the surviving child, offer sincere condolences for the loss. In that order. Let them steer the conversation after that. ---
**Author:** ![Noone\_Special](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/noone_special/32/2863_2.png) [@Noone\_Special](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Noone_Special)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2012, 7:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-say-to-someone-who-had-one-twin-baby-stillborn/624517/32 "2012-06-11T07:42:09Z")
> [@TokyoPlayer](#): > > I would come right out and ask your neighbor how her son and daughter-in-law would like you to do. This is really a bitter sweet moment and everyone is going to react differently. This. Absent any information (she isn’t sure herself, you’re not close **enough** to ask outright…), I’d say you need to both acknowledge their loss and congratulate them on their child. Not sure in which order – if you see them with others present, maybe you can pick up some cues before speaking up? And once you’ve brought it up, be prepared to drop it, or to talk about it more – let them lead. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2012, 8:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-say-to-someone-who-had-one-twin-baby-stillborn/624517/33 "2012-06-11T08:17:19Z")
Explain how you understand exactly how they feel because just last week you lost one of a pair of socks in the dryer. ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2012, 8:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-say-to-someone-who-had-one-twin-baby-stillborn/624517/34 "2012-06-11T08:18:10Z")
Don’t avoid the issue. Express your condolences and find out the name of the dead sibling. And be aware that every Christmas, birthday and age milestone for the living child will be a reminder to the parents that they also have a dead child. So another opportunity to be a supportive friend if required. ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2012, 11:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-say-to-someone-who-had-one-twin-baby-stillborn/624517/35 "2012-06-11T11:58:22Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > No, just…no. Not unless you know their religious beliefs. And even then, it sounds like, “well, at least they have someone to watch over!” No. > > Acknowledge the loss, (I’m sorry for your loss.) Wait for their thank yous, etc. THEN offer congratulations. (Congrats on the little one) But don’t say, anything like, “Well, she’ll always be with you, blah blah blah”. Just leave it. I had a nun once tell me that my aunt (who had died) would always be with me, and I would always be able to prayer to her and ask her to remember me to god, etc. And I knew she meant well, but at the time, I really resented it. > Ask how the little one is doing then, all the normal baby stuff, etc. Though it’s popular to be a religion-bashing athiest on this board, a great many people do believe in God and might find these words comforting. Also, you were a kid and it was your aunt. The two situations are barely analogous. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2012, 12:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-say-to-someone-who-had-one-twin-baby-stillborn/624517/36 "2012-06-11T12:13:49Z")
> [@Noone\_Special](#): > > I’d say you need to both acknowledge their loss and congratulate them on their child. IMO, living first, then dead - not because either is necessarily a more important thing than the other, but because when you meet them, the surviving child will probably be right there with them. To initially ignore the living child (even for a moment) in order to first talk about the non-surviving child seems like it could be awkward or perceived as weird/rude to me. ---
**Author:** ![Noone\_Special](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/noone_special/32/2863_2.png) [@Noone\_Special](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Noone_Special)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2012, 12:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-say-to-someone-who-had-one-twin-baby-stillborn/624517/37 "2012-06-11T12:23:56Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > IMO, living first, then dead - not because either is necessarily a more important thing than the other, but because when you meet them, the surviving child will probably be right there with them. To initially ignore the living child (even for a moment) in order to first talk about the non-surviving child seems like it could be awkward or perceived as weird/rude to me. I don’t necessarily disagree – I did say I wasn’t sure which order would be appropriate. I still think it’s probably going to depend very much on the circumstances. I will agree this you that, absent anything pointing to the opposite, yes, living first. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2012, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-say-to-someone-who-had-one-twin-baby-stillborn/624517/38 "2012-06-11T16:01:06Z")
> [@Ellen\_Cherry](#): > > Though it’s popular to be a religion-bashing athiest on this board, a great many people do believe in God and might find these words comforting. Also, you were a kid and it was your aunt. The two situations are barely analogous. Trust me, I’m not a religious basher – I believe in God myself. But if you don’t know the religious beliefs of these people, you very well could offend them. Perhaps a better way might be – “She/He will always be with you, to watch over you.” Something like that. The way the poster made it sound was that it was something extra to be happy about. ---
**Author:** ![AuntiePam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@AuntiePam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AuntiePam)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2012, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-say-to-someone-who-had-one-twin-baby-stillborn/624517/39 "2012-06-11T16:19:05Z")
> [@BabieBeat](#): > > I begin my emails to the parents of a baby born still this way: > First off ~ I would like to say how sorry I am to hear of the loss of your precious son/ daughter (and name the baby). It is surely the most devastating situation to have to endure and there are no words to ease the pain. The path becomes a little less rocky as time goes on but the valleys and peaks remind us of the long soulful journey we all must make. **My first Granddaughter was born still at 36.6 weeks due to torsion of the umbilical cord ~ not a true knot or nuchal cord but delivers the same devastation and heartache.** (Bolding mine.) I’d leave out the bolded part. It serves to remind the bereaved that others have gone through the same heartache, but they already know that and it doesn’t help. When consoling someone, I think it’s unnecessary and a bit rude to make reference to your own losses. It’s not about you (the proverbial “you”, not the “you” you). ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2012, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-say-to-someone-who-had-one-twin-baby-stillborn/624517/40 "2012-06-11T19:40:41Z")
This is just going off my own past relationships to my neighbors, which have never been anything but brief and cordial when we both happen to be outside at the same time… so, I have to ask, how close are you to your neighbor? Unless you are actually her friend (and I don’t think chitchatting about your respective families in the garden necessarily counts as friendship), why would her daughter reasonably expect you to know about this? I wouldn’t bring it up at all, unless I was pretty good friends with the neighbor or daughter in question. If it were my grief under discussion, I would feel embarrassed that every tom/dick/harry seems to know about it because of my mom’s big mouth… but then, I’ve never lost a child, so take this opinion as you will. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-say-to-someone-who-had-one-twin-baby-stillborn/624517.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-to-say-to-someone-who-had-one-twin-baby-stillborn/624517.md?page=3)