# What totally off-the-wall things have you heard yourself saying to your kids? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 30, 2001, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-totally-off-the-wall-things-have-you-heard-yourself-saying-to-your-kids/90608 "2001-10-30T21:56:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Marlitharn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/779978/32.png) [@Marlitharn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marlitharn)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2001, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-totally-off-the-wall-things-have-you-heard-yourself-saying-to-your-kids/90608/1 "2001-10-30T21:56:17Z")
I baked cookies today, and I thought they tasted really good. My three year old ate one, asked for another one, and wandered off down the hall. I didn’t think anything of it until she came back and said, “Go flush it, Mommy.” Sure enough… So I said, “Don’t put cookies in the toilet, honey!” And this got me thinking back to some other really strange sentences I have uttered over the course of my motherhood, such as, “Stop licking the kitty!” and, “What is Mommy’s mascara wand doing in the toothpaste tube?” and my personal favorite, “Get that dog off that bicycle and come eat your supper!” So what kind of things have you said that could ONLY be said to children? I mean, if I had to tell an adult to stop licking the kitty, I’d be making a discreet phone call shortly thereafter. What bizarre sentences come out of your mouth under moments of parental stress? ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Cynical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee59a6/32.png) [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2001, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-totally-off-the-wall-things-have-you-heard-yourself-saying-to-your-kids/90608/2 "2001-10-30T23:08:22Z")
“Jake, your attitude is 5u\>\<\>\<0r.” ---
**Author:** ![Zumba\_The\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/779978/32.png) [@Zumba\_The\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zumba_The_Cat)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2001, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-totally-off-the-wall-things-have-you-heard-yourself-saying-to-your-kids/90608/3 "2001-10-30T23:15:01Z")
Don’t spit in the dog’s mouth. (I don’t care if he does like it) Don’t forget to give your brother a chance to breathe. Don’t put frogs in your pockets. \*All of the above were said by this doper’s mother. ---
**Author:** ![cornflakes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9d8465/32.png) [@cornflakes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cornflakes)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2001, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-totally-off-the-wall-things-have-you-heard-yourself-saying-to-your-kids/90608/4 "2001-10-30T23:49:46Z")
Don’t stand on your baby brother’s stomach! It’s ok to play house with the couch cushions, but you still need to use the real life bathroom. You can’t DOINK (head butt) Mom; you can only DOINK me, and we both have to want to do it first. ---
**Author:** ![racinchikki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@racinchikki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/racinchikki)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-totally-off-the-wall-things-have-you-heard-yourself-saying-to-your-kids/90608/5 "2001-10-31T00:21:56Z")
Things I said while babysitting my ex-foster siblings: Stop licking the couch! Don’t stick crayons in your ears! And, the kicker: Do NOT insert grapes into the dog’s anus! ---
**Author:** ![Sylkyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/da6949/32.png) [@Sylkyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sylkyn)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-totally-off-the-wall-things-have-you-heard-yourself-saying-to-your-kids/90608/6 "2001-10-31T02:16:05Z")
Did you jump off the house again? Well, stop jumping off that side. You can’t go to school with green paint in your hair. Why is my deodorant in the middle of the hallway? Use your own damn toothbrush! Stop choking your sister! It won’t make her get off the phone any faster. ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-totally-off-the-wall-things-have-you-heard-yourself-saying-to-your-kids/90608/7 "2001-10-31T02:23:35Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Mr. Cynical \* > [B5u\>\<\>\<0r." \*\* WHOOSH!!! What the heck does that mean? As for me: Don’t rub the hotdog on the table. Stop touching the pasta. Don’t suck the water off the bottom of the shower, you pee in there! I don’t want to suck on your toes, get them off my face! ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-totally-off-the-wall-things-have-you-heard-yourself-saying-to-your-kids/90608/8 "2001-10-31T02:47:19Z")
No, you may NOT paint your brother green! Get the CAT out of the OVEN! NOW!! Why is your umbrella in the refrigerator? I’m sorry you fell down and hurt your butt, but no, I’m not going to kiss your butt and make it better. No honey, you can’t wear your underwear on your head when we go shopping. Yes, it’s funny, but there’s some things we just don’t do in public. [sub]I am _not_ making any of these up, I swear.[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-totally-off-the-wall-things-have-you-heard-yourself-saying-to-your-kids/90608/9 "2001-10-31T03:55:04Z")
I don’t have spawn, but we’re compiling a list of things you should never ever have to say at work. Thus far these things have had to be said to our preschoolers: Take the pudding off your head No howling at lunch You can keep the cherries/acorns, but put them in your pockets Why is there lunch meat in your pocket? Stop! Don’t put used tissues back in the box! No licking teachers If you come out of the bathroom you can paint If you don’t come out from under the easel/ table the bus might leave without you. Shoes are dirty, don’t put them in your mouth It’s not funny when someone burps/farts Monsters are for playground, not the book area Stop growling or you’ll have a time out Though my personal mantra, repeated 100 times a morning is " No mouth." to the little one who always has her fingers in her mouth. I almost think she might have gotten it when I was explaining that we don’t put our fingers in our mouth after touching the step stool in the bathroom because…shoes are dirty, of course. ---
**Author:** ![sandpiper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@sandpiper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandpiper)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-totally-off-the-wall-things-have-you-heard-yourself-saying-to-your-kids/90608/10 "2001-10-31T04:30:31Z")
Bring the adding machine down out of the tree. Even if the caterpillar is just as furry as your teddy bear, he still can’t sleep in your bed. Green jelly beans do NOT count as a vegetable. Don’t hang your sister upside-down so soon after supper. ---
**Author:** ![rjung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/45deac/32.png) [@rjung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjung)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-totally-off-the-wall-things-have-you-heard-yourself-saying-to-your-kids/90608/11 "2001-10-31T19:50:36Z")
The only insane thing I remember saying to my kid is, “Don’t hit mommy – and don’t hit yourself!” Needless to say, there’s lots more, they just all slipped my mind… ---
**Author:** ![sandpiper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@sandpiper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandpiper)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-totally-off-the-wall-things-have-you-heard-yourself-saying-to-your-kids/90608/12 "2001-10-31T22:03:42Z")
Today there are loads more opportunities for odd sayings…Already I’ve heard myself say, “Keep your wings out of your sisters face” and “Hang on - I’ll peel your face as soon as your brothers fangs are done” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Tygr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/df788c/32.png) [@Tygr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tygr)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-totally-off-the-wall-things-have-you-heard-yourself-saying-to-your-kids/90608/13 "2001-10-31T22:50:41Z")
“Ooody-wooooppy, who’s a pwetty widdew girl? Nummma-nummma-nummma, ZWOOOP! Oooh, I got your nose! Abbadabbbadabbbadabbba…Lookit that bewwy, lookit that bewwy! Just a widdew schweeety, yes she IS!” [sub]Oh, give me a break - she’s only a week old! I figger I’ll be saying all that other stuff soon enough, anyway.[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Grok](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/96bed5/32.png) [@Grok](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grok)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2001, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-totally-off-the-wall-things-have-you-heard-yourself-saying-to-your-kids/90608/14 "2001-11-01T01:24:36Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by racinchikki \* > \*\*Do NOT insert grapes into the dog’s anus! \*\* Oh come on! You never let me have ANY fun!!! Just one or two more? Pleeeeeeaase Mom!!! ---
**Author:** ![Essured](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Essured](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Essured)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2001, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-totally-off-the-wall-things-have-you-heard-yourself-saying-to-your-kids/90608/15 "2001-11-01T01:51:21Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by racinchikki \* > \*\*Things I said while babysitting my ex-foster siblings: > > **\** > > Do NOT insert grapes into the dog’s anus! \*\* Thanks for the laugh… Yet another good reason I can add to my list that I plan on giving my mother-in-law next time she asks when she can expect the pitter-patter of little feet. The list has a title of : “Never… because :” ---
**Author:** ![truthbot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9bcb4/32.png) [@truthbot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/truthbot)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2001, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-totally-off-the-wall-things-have-you-heard-yourself-saying-to-your-kids/90608/16 "2001-11-01T04:43:49Z")
“If you break your little sister, you **don’t** get a new one!” (I once said this to my own daughters, when they were young) A conversation I had with my grandson two years ago. He had stuffed a black crayon up his nose. So deeply that a visit to the family practioner resulted in a visit to the ER. They couldn’t get it out, so he had to go to an ENT specialist. They injected liquid cocaine into the nostril, and vacuum extracted that sucker. After the procedure, I asked my _darling_ grandson if he would ever stick a crayon up his nose again. His reply? “Yup, I sure will!” “You’re on Crayon restriction, Little Mister!!” I do hope I haven’t deprived the world of a future Picasso… ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2001, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-totally-off-the-wall-things-have-you-heard-yourself-saying-to-your-kids/90608/17 "2001-11-01T16:33:12Z")
“You think that’s bad? Smell how bad my feet stink!” My son and I invent some REALLY weird games. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2001, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-totally-off-the-wall-things-have-you-heard-yourself-saying-to-your-kids/90608/18 "2001-11-01T16:48:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by racinchikki \* > Do NOT insert grapes into the dog’s anus! So that’s where raisins come from. ---
**Author:** ![Theobroma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b5a626/32.png) [@Theobroma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Theobroma)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2001, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-totally-off-the-wall-things-have-you-heard-yourself-saying-to-your-kids/90608/19 "2001-11-01T17:28:00Z")
> [@](#): > > ## quote: > > ## Originally posted by racinchikki Do NOT insert grapes into the dog’s anus! > > lieu: So that’s where raisins come from. **lieu** , I have some bad news for you… those aren’t raisins. * * * Regarding the OP: just off the top of my head: (when little angel is diligently picking his nose) Whatsamatter, does your brain itch? Quit playing with your dick and read the damn book already!! No, I NEVER said you could stuff coffee beans up your nose. [poooooot]…the dog did it. Don’t look at me. You may recognize that strange alien implement next to your plate. It’s called a “fork.” On _what_ planet do parents allow kids to eat nothing but candy and soda for dinner?! (The kid’s usual answer: “Saturn.”) more as soon as I think of some. Actually, his comments are usually more clever than mine. ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-totally-off-the-wall-things-have-you-heard-yourself-saying-to-your-kids/90608/20 "2001-11-02T01:16:42Z")
Just said tonight: Dogs don’t eat Chinese food. No, I’m not going to make up a sentence for you. I finished second grade a looooooong time ago. Do your own homework. I know you had butterfly wings on your Halloween costume, but they’re not _real_ wings, and you can’t _really_ fly. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-totally-off-the-wall-things-have-you-heard-yourself-saying-to-your-kids/90608.md?page=2)