# What turns a couple into a family: marriage or a baby? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 4, 2005, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-turns-a-couple-into-a-family-marriage-or-a-baby/315532 "2005-08-04T06:04:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 5\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![stargazer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eb8c5e/32.png) [@stargazer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stargazer)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-turns-a-couple-into-a-family-marriage-or-a-baby/315532/21 "2005-08-05T03:04:37Z")
> [@robardin](#): > > Personally I would not have labeled my wife and I a “family” before having children. > > (Snip) > > If you asked me about my family then, as in, “how’s the family?”, I would have taken it to mean my parents. Now, the first thing I would think of are my children in response. I feel the same way, for me – right now, it’s just my husband and me and our 2 cats. In terms of definition, of course I think we’re a family. But I think I’ll feel more strongly about that once we have a child. And I respond the same way, if someone asks my about “my family” – I tell them how my parents or in-laws are doing. Because if someone is asking about my husband, they usually ask specifically how he’s doing, after they’ve asked me about how I’m doing. Most people don’t ask about the cats, but that’s a different thread. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Eureka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/74df32/32.png) [@Eureka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eureka)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2005, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-turns-a-couple-into-a-family-marriage-or-a-baby/315532/22 "2005-08-07T22:43:06Z")
It’s the baby which turns a couple into a family- and I have a cite to prove it! While touring an art exhibit called “Treasures from Olana:Landscapes by Frederic Edwin Church,” I read many of the descriptions of the artwork- which frequently provided biographical insights as well as descriptions of the location where the landscape had been painted. Frederic was married, and he and his wife Isabel had two children who died of diptheria. They then traveled to Jamaica for a change of scenery and perhaps allow themselves some time to grieve. That’s the background. The piece of verbiage that inspired me to respond to the thread follows. > [@description of artwork in exhibit(from memory- wording may not be precise)](#): > > After spending time in Jamaica, Frederic and Isabel returned home to Olana and restarted their family. Eventually, they had four children and . . . So, (obviously), they were a family when they had the first child, they stopped being a family when the children died, and they became a family again when they had the next baby. I’m not sure what a better way to word it would have been, but it struck me as kind of funny to say “restarted their family” as a way of expressing that Frederic and Isabel had more children after they recovered from their grief after the first couple of children died. Certainly, there are people whose relationships never recover after the death of a child and I have no problem with “starting a family” meaning “having a baby” and I don’t see how one can argue that having a baby doesn’t strongly affect the nature of a relationship . . . It was just odd to see it phrased that way, and I might not have reacted so strongly had I not been thinking about the expression “starting a family” from this thread earlier. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2005, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-turns-a-couple-into-a-family-marriage-or-a-baby/315532/23 "2005-08-08T01:01:29Z")
The word “family” used in the general cultural sense usually connotes ( to many people) more than just husband and wife. Is is really worth getting insulted by this vernacular artifact? From Random house > [@](#): > > fam-i-ly (fam’uh lee, fam’lee) n. pl. \<-lies\> adj. > n. > 1. parents and their children, considered as > a group, whether dwelling together or not. > 2. the children of one person or one couple > collectively: We want a family of one > girl and one boy. > 3. the spouse and children of one person: > I’m taking the family on vacation next > week. > 4. any group of persons closely related by > blood, as parents, children, uncles, > aunts, and cousins. ---
**Author:** ![ShadiRoxan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/59ef9b/32.png) [@ShadiRoxan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShadiRoxan)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2005, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-turns-a-couple-into-a-family-marriage-or-a-baby/315532/24 "2005-08-08T05:46:50Z")
I considered my husband family before we had a child, even before we got married. What I didn’t consider is that it was our own family. Just the two of us was a couple. When we had our son we became our own family rather than being a part of our parents’ families. ---
**Author:** ![lee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lee/32/7455_2.png) [@lee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lee)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2005, 11:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-turns-a-couple-into-a-family-marriage-or-a-baby/315532/25 "2005-08-08T11:00:35Z")
Commitment to each other, usually including the commitment to maintain a primary residence together as a single household. One test of a family is whether or not they share food. If food in the fridge is just theirs, and not maintained separately, it is a good indication that a family and not roomates of convenience. I started my own family when I move out and got my husband, then fiance, to move in with me. Nearly two years later, we were married in a court house, having said vows to each other in private not long after we met. Nearly 13 years Later **KellyM** joined us. And a couple of years after that, she knocked me up, and nine months later we were joined by a lovely daughter. Now, I have heard that we were not a family, until: [ul] [li]We got married.[/li][li]There was more than two of us.[/li][li]We were joined by a child that was legally recognized as ours.[/li][/ul] Some say we are still not a family, simply because my daughter is not from my husband. My husband and I suffered many hardships together before we were married. Both of us had illnesses that were severe. It would have been easier not to be together in many ways, but we were committed to our new family. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-turns-a-couple-into-a-family-marriage-or-a-baby/315532.md?page=1)