# What was the last perfect (or near-perfect) comeback you gave? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 9, 2005, 10:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-last-perfect-or-near-perfect-comeback-you-gave/283873 "2005-01-09T10:08:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Theobroma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b5a626/32.png) [@Theobroma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Theobroma)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2005, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-last-perfect-or-near-perfect-comeback-you-gave/283873/81 "2005-01-28T20:00:34Z")
My sister is the great comeback artist in the family. My dad: What’s the name of that tube that connects your ear and your throat? The Fallopian tube? My mother: That’s your eustacian tube, you dope. My sister: Whaddaya want, Dad, eggs in your ear? _snort_ ---
**Author:** ![Alonzo\_John\_Blitz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@Alonzo\_John\_Blitz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alonzo_John_Blitz)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2005, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-last-perfect-or-near-perfect-comeback-you-gave/283873/82 "2005-01-28T22:43:51Z")
I had to have some dental work done and the dentists says to me “Now bite down on this, we need to take an impression.” I snaps back “I don’t do impressions.” ---
**Author:** ![The\_Big\_Cheese](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8baadc/32.png) [@The\_Big\_Cheese](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Big_Cheese)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2005, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-last-perfect-or-near-perfect-comeback-you-gave/283873/83 "2005-01-28T23:17:27Z")
Over xmas my sis was wearing these ‘wind pants’, like polyester that are rather loud when you walk or move at all. So most of the family is sitting around, and she walks by, yells at her kids to turn the volume down on the tv, and starts to walk out. The noise from her pants is noticeable. I say "Could you turn the volume on those pants down a little. " My family likes to tease, too much, and that line was repeated every opportunity. Today, after a gut-wrenching week of computer training the trainer said we were going to get off early-3:30!!! (a whole hour early, and 30 minutes later than when I usually get off). It was a very difficult training course, and there were computer problems, and other things like that. My co-worker sitting next to me (and ex-girlfriend) said sarcastically "What are you going to do with your time off? I said “Drink heavily”. ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2005, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-last-perfect-or-near-perfect-comeback-you-gave/283873/84 "2005-01-28T23:48:15Z")
“F@&k you, clown!” ---
**Author:** ![Hoops](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hoops/32/6408_2.png) [@Hoops](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hoops)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2005, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-last-perfect-or-near-perfect-comeback-you-gave/283873/85 "2005-01-29T00:13:23Z")
OK, I was in the band for this staged reading of a new musical. We rehearsed a couple of weeks, did a show, rehearsed again, did a show, packed it all up and set up in LA–and the director then announced we would rehearse yet again before the show that evening. At that point, the guitarist opined that you can’t polish a turd. Whereupon I said “Hmph! Obviously you haven’t seen _my_ turd collection!” I have to admit, I was pretty happy with that, and it really did just come out of my mouth with no thought whatsoever. Unfortunately, it was memorable enough that everyone who heard it continues to associate me with the phrase _turd collection_, which is perhaps a less than ideal outcome. ---
**Author:** ![ladybug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/46a35a/32.png) [@ladybug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladybug)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2005, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-last-perfect-or-near-perfect-comeback-you-gave/283873/86 "2005-01-29T00:45:28Z")
My brother has become famous in his office for his off-the-cuff remarks. One day his supervisor wanted to know how his work was going: Supervisor: “Where do you stand?” Brother: “Alone. In the shadows. Ever vigilant on a quest for justice.” Supervisor: “How’s your workload?” Brother (brightly): “Good.” I’m borrowing that one at the first opportunity. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![E.Thorp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/898d66/32.png) [@E.Thorp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/E.Thorp)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2005, 6:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-last-perfect-or-near-perfect-comeback-you-gave/283873/87 "2005-01-29T06:45:33Z")
> [@NattoGuy](#): > > Me in the Army, about 10 years ago. I run into Joe. Joe’s carrying an M16. After years of patient waiting, thank Jebus, my time has finally arrived: > > _“Hey Joe, where you goin’ with that gun in your hand?”_ The closest I ever came to this: me in college 15 years ago, _I_ run into Joe. Joe’s carrying a breakfast pastry. Thinking as fast as I ever would: _“Hey Joe, where you goin’ with that bun in your hand?”_ ---
**Author:** ![Cyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a88e4f/32.png) [@Cyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyn)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2005, 7:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-last-perfect-or-near-perfect-comeback-you-gave/283873/88 "2005-01-29T07:05:15Z")
Sleeping in on a Sunday morning, my husband and I are awakened by our 4 year old daughter pounding on our door, yelling “I know what you’re doing in there and it’s not right!!” I turned to my husband and said “See. I told you you weren’t doing it right.” ---
**Author:** ![infamousmom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/d6d6ee/32.png) [@infamousmom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/infamousmom)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2005, 7:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-last-perfect-or-near-perfect-comeback-you-gave/283873/89 "2005-01-29T07:12:08Z")
Got into it with the quack who did my eyelid surgery. Picture a “Doc Hollywood” type who looks a lot like Moe Greene in the first Godfather movie. He’s obviously pissed that I am not happy with the lousy job he did on my face. (He thinks a “50% improvement” is “excellent.”) Finally, after I’ve explained to him for the third time why I am not happy with the work he did, he stands up and says “That’s it. We’re done here. I think you had \*excellent \*surgery.” “If this is your standard of excellence,” I shot back at him before he flounced out the door, “it sucks.” Not the best comeback I’ve ever launched, but it was very satisfying. ---
**Author:** ![infamousmom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/d6d6ee/32.png) [@infamousmom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/infamousmom)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2005, 7:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-last-perfect-or-near-perfect-comeback-you-gave/283873/90 "2005-01-29T07:14:58Z")
> [@VunderBob](#): > > I had a creepy guy call my house one time, and he was a bit surprised when I (a deep-voiced guy, BTW) played along with his feeble obscene phone call. > > “How about you sucking my dick?” > > “How about you growing one first?” > > He slammed the phone on me. 😃 I got an “invitation” like that once. I said “Can you hang on a sec? I need to see if my husband’s asleep yet. He just got home from the night shift on the vice squad.” I think the guy melted the phone hanging up that fast… ---
**Author:** ![infamousmom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/d6d6ee/32.png) [@infamousmom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/infamousmom)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2005, 7:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-last-perfect-or-near-perfect-comeback-you-gave/283873/91 "2005-01-29T07:23:06Z")
> [@buttonjockey308](#): > > Co-Worker sarcastically says “Jockey, I can always count on you” > > Says me “Yes, you can, but only to 21” 😃 Speaking of jockeys… my son’s 6’7" and has long since gotten a wee bit weary of people asking him if he plays basketball. So when he’s asked, he says “No, I’m a jockey.” A friend once followed that up with “On the Clydesdales.” ---
**Author:** ![Torgo\_ate\_my\_hamster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/71c47a/32.png) [@Torgo\_ate\_my\_hamster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Torgo_ate_my_hamster)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2005, 10:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-last-perfect-or-near-perfect-comeback-you-gave/283873/92 "2005-01-29T10:46:45Z")
Not the last but one of my favourites. A week or so after my girlfriend dumped me, we met in a pub so that she would return me some books I had lent her. There were also some of my friends sitting at the table. She handed me the books and said in a cold voice: “Do I still have something of yours?” To which I spur-of-the-moment-ly replied with: “Well, if you got your period, you don’t.” This happened about 4 years ago and after a year of icy looks we befriended again and are really good friends now. ---
**Author:** ![fishbicycle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/aeb1de/32.png) [@fishbicycle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fishbicycle)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2005, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-last-perfect-or-near-perfect-comeback-you-gave/283873/93 "2005-01-29T14:40:28Z")
> [@E. Thorp](#): > > _“Hey Joe, where you goin’ with that bun in your hand?”_ Great! I was able to pull off this line, after having to wait 40-some years for the right circumstances: “Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-last-perfect-or-near-perfect-comeback-you-gave/283873.md?page=4)