# What was the worst joke you ever heard in your life? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 30, 2019, 10:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258 "2019-04-30T10:26:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![betterlifethroughchemistry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/betterlifethroughchemistry/32/3094_2.png) [@betterlifethroughchemistry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betterlifethroughchemistry)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2019, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/41 "2019-05-01T02:50:18Z")
> [@california\_jobcase](#): > > Since you started it: > What do you call a guy with no arms or legs > on the doorstep? Matt > on a tree branch? Barry > in the leaves? Russel > on the wall? Art > > What do you call a girl with no arms or legs in the rapids? Flo What do you call two guys that hang in your window? Kurt n’ Rod ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2019, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/42 "2019-05-01T03:29:20Z")
These aren’t bad jokes. They’re awful, wince-inducing jokes, but not in the sense that I understood the OP to have intended — completely unfunny jokes. I was one of many simultaneous victims of someone who thought it would be entertaining to tell the original classic shaggy dog story. That’s 45 minutes of my life I still want back. It’s not funny; that’s the “joke”, i.e., “hey, I had you hanging on every word for the better part of an hour thinking this was going to be a great joke, and it’s not, ha ha ha!” (In the version I was subjected to, the “punchline” was “That’s not the shaggiest dog we’ve ever seen, so we’ll give it 2nd prize”) ---
**Author:** ![Dag\_Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@Dag\_Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dag_Otto)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2019, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/43 "2019-05-01T03:43:57Z")
> [@AHunter3](#): > > completely unfunny jokes. In that case, it’s a tie between Andy Borowitz and P. J. O’Rourke. ---
**Author:** ![nightshadea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/7ba0ec/32.png) [@nightshadea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nightshadea)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2019, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/44 "2019-05-01T04:45:48Z")
what do you get when you cross a fag a hispanic a cokehead and a welfare recipient? A snowblower that refuses to work Why cant most lesbians cook? They eat out too oftwn and i read this on a website in the late 90s : A guy and girl are banging away in bed and then the guy decides he wants to try anal …so he asks her about it She replies: No way! that’s disgusting immoral and perverted He’s irritated now so he says: disgusting immoral and perverted? arent those big words for a 12-year-old? ---
**Author:** ![Ashtura](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ashtura/32/2963_2.png) [@Ashtura](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ashtura)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2019, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/45 "2019-05-01T04:55:08Z")
What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Being raped. ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2019, 5:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/46 "2019-05-01T05:19:06Z")
> [@AHunter3](#): > > These aren’t bad jokes. They’re awful, wince-inducing jokes, but not in the sense that I understood the OP to have intended — completely unfunny jokes. > > I was one of many simultaneous victims of someone who thought it would be entertaining to tell the original classic shaggy dog story. That’s 45 minutes of my life I still want back. It’s not funny; that’s the “joke”, i.e., “hey, I had you hanging on every word for the better part of an hour thinking this was going to be a great joke, and it’s not, ha ha ha!” > > (In the version I was subjected to, the “punchline” was “That’s not the shaggiest dog we’ve ever seen, so we’ll give it 2nd prize”) Worked with a guy, Gary, who took an entire lunch hour to tell a story. I wasn’t there, but the boss was, and often recalls it. Ten minutes in (which is ages in story-telling time), everyone has figured out that the story wasn’t true; Funny-Guy Gary was just setting up an elaborate joke. Twenty minutes go by, and only the boss had realized that Clever Gary had been making the whole thing up as he went. For the rest of the story, boss had to try to keep a straight face. Which Gary was somehow doing effortlessly. Boss finally had to excuse himself and leave the office to crack up. So he never heard the ending, but it did NOT contain a punchline or any sort of payoff. Coworkers still remember that lunch hour with angry betrayal, and a chuckle. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2019, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/47 "2019-05-01T05:28:06Z")
> [@Dag\_Otto](#): > > And the follow up: What’s brown and sticky? > > A stick! > > Going for the bottom here, folks. What’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper. ---
**Author:** ![Hopeful\_Crow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/da6949/32.png) [@Hopeful\_Crow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hopeful_Crow)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2019, 5:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/48 "2019-05-01T05:49:01Z")
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean ground. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2019, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/49 "2019-05-01T18:17:05Z")
The _Brady Bunch_ joke. Something about an architect that designs a building with no doors. How do you get in? Run around and around and around until you’re in. 😕 Don’t remember it exactly, and refuse to look it up. Didn’t get it 40 years ago, still don’t get it. Maybe that was the point. Not supposed to be funny. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2019, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/50 "2019-05-01T22:02:19Z")
> [@AHunter3](#): > > I was one of many simultaneous victims of someone who thought it would be entertaining to tell the original classic shaggy dog story. That’s 45 minutes of my life I still want back. It’s not funny; that’s the “joke”, i.e., “hey, I had you hanging on every word for the better part of an hour thinking this was going to be a great joke, and it’s not, ha ha ha!” When a joke hits a certain length, it’s not the joke that’s funny, it’s the delivery. (The Aristocrats!) My son once told a 10-minute joke that was literally nothing but an opening line, a lame punchline, and whale sounds, and it had me in tears. Granted, for a 45-minute joke, there would have to be one hell of a delivery to keep it going. ---
**Author:** ![Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba9def/32.png) [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Asking_Questions)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2019, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/51 "2019-05-01T22:20:20Z")
No soap, radio. ---
**Author:** ![pohjonen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pohjonen/32/423_2.png) [@pohjonen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pohjonen)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2019, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/52 "2019-05-01T22:46:15Z")
What’s green and has wheels? A lawn. I lied about the wheels. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2019, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/53 "2019-05-01T23:43:23Z")
Two groaners I heard: Q. What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt? A. “You gonna eat that?” Q. What did they find at Jeffrey Dahmer’s autopsy? A. Jimmy Hoffa. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2019, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/54 "2019-05-02T05:17:57Z")
> [@Gatopescado](#): > > The _Brady Bunch_ joke. > > Something about an architect that designs a building with no doors. How do you get in? Run around and around and around until you’re in. 😕 Don’t remember it exactly, and refuse to look it up. > > Didn’t get it 40 years ago, still don’t get it. Maybe that was the point. Not supposed to be funny. Damn. That was many years ago. IIRC, the person is in the building trying to get out. You run around and around and around until you are all pooped out. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2019, 6:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/55 "2019-05-02T06:07:32Z")
> [@dorvann](#): > > A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. They all failed to limbo. So, a baby seal walks into a club… (rimshot) Has anyone here seen “Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore”? If you haven’t, there’s a scene where her adolescent son tells a “joke” that isn’t funny and has no discernable plot or punchline. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2019, 6:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/56 "2019-05-02T06:15:48Z")
> [@cochrane](#): > > Two groaners I heard: > > Q. What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt? > > A. “You gonna eat that?” > Q. What did they find at Jeffrey Dahmer’s autopsy? > > A. Jimmy Hoffa. First heard in 1986, and again in 2003: Q: What does NASA stand for? A: Need Another Seven Astronauts. or Q: What were the space shuttle pilot’s last words? A: “What’s this button for?” :smack: And in between those times: Q: What does “gay” mean? A: Got AIDS yet? ---
**Author:** ![Sangahyando](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f14d63/32.png) [@Sangahyando](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sangahyando)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2019, 9:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/57 "2019-05-02T09:14:53Z")
Hoping that South African participants may forgive the following: it involves what is a highly unacceptable word in those parts – S.A.'s version of the N-word. Heard from a (white) one-time work colleague who had allegedly spent time in South Africa. Other things aside, a kind of “joke” which I don’t find at all funny: not “about” anything, just basically pointless wordplay. This so-called joke tells of a South African politician who called his dog “Canteen” – because it was a “kaffir terrier”. That’s all – essentially, just a means of shoehorning-in a bad word. ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2019, 12:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/58 "2019-05-02T12:21:38Z")
The joke with the woman on her deathbed confessing past infidelity to her husband, who reassures her that it’s OK, because that’s why he poisoned her. I have seen variations on this joke many times, and the punch line has never struck me as remotely humorous, yet it is claimed to be a very funny joke. ---
**Author:** ![Sternvogel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc79bd/32.png) [@Sternvogel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sternvogel)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2019, 12:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/59 "2019-05-02T12:41:39Z")
> [@Gatopescado](#): > > The Brady Bunch joke. > > Something about an architect that designs a building with no doors. How do you get in? Run around and around and around until you’re in. Don’t remember it exactly, and refuse to look it up. > > Didn’t get it 40 years ago, still don’t get it. Maybe that was the point. Not supposed to be funny. > [@TokyoBayer](#): > > Damn. That was many years ago. IIRC, the person is in the building trying to get out. You run around and around and around until you are all pooped out. You’re conflating two jokes. The punchline for **Gatopescado** ’s is: “You run around and around until you’re _all in_”, which is a way of saying “exhausted”. The second joke is: “If you’re swallowed by an elephant, how do you escape? You run around inside the beast until you’re all pooped out.” My contribution involved some convoluted setup, followed by the question “So how many pancakes does it take to shingle a doghouse?” The answer: “None, because ice cream has no bones!” ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2019, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/60 "2019-05-02T13:04:13Z")
My relatives are responsible for the bad jokes I’ve heard. From my sister (when we both little) “How do you make a slow horse fast?” Answer: “Tie it to a post” Me: I don’t get it. Does that mean if you tie it to a post it can’t get to food, so it can’t eat? Her: I think it means that you tie it _fast_. to this day I haven’t heard a good explanation for this “joke” My mother: Three animals walk into a bar. While they’re there drinking, it starts to rain. The turtle volunteers to go get their umbrellas (He’s got a shell, so he won’t get wet).“Just don’t drink my beer,” he says. The turtle is gone one hour. Two hours. Three hours. Finally, the remaining two animals talk it over and decide that he’s not coming back – they may as well drink his beer. At which point the turtle opens the bar door and says: “If you drink my beer, I won’t go for the umbrellas” That’s the punch line. Really. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258.md?page=4)