# What was the worst joke you ever heard in your life? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 30, 2019, 10:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258 "2019-04-30T10:26:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/81 "2019-05-03T16:33:16Z")
> [@CalMeacham](#): > > I know that meaning of “fast”. I knew it when I was a kid, and my sister first told me that. The problem is that it doesn’t, in my mind “work” at all as a joke. > > “How do you make a slow horse fast” > > “Tie it to a post” > > No, just because I can make the construction “tie it fast” doesn’t make that a joke. You wouldn’t ordinarily do it. ISTM that the joke is about the phrase [“to **make** [something] fast”](https://www.thefreedictionary.com/To+make+fast), i.e., to make it tightly secured or immobile: to “fasten” it. The pun is impeccable, even if it’s not particularly witty. > [@CalMeacham](#): > > The construction that tying the horse to a post so it can’t eat makes it “fast” follows better both logically and grammatically. I don’t think so. If the punchline were “Take away its nosebag” or something like that, then it would be clear (and somewhat funny) that the pun was about making the horse “fast” in the sense of “not eat”. But for the given tying-to-a-post punchline, the “make it fast”/“secure it” interpretation makes more sense and is (albeit marginally) funnier. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/82 "2019-05-03T16:59:40Z")
A guy is hosting a party and a drunken guest approaches him. The drunk guy says, “Do you have green toilet paper that says, ‘FUCK YOU!’” The host replies, “No.” Then the drunk says, “Well, then, I think I just wiped my ass with your parrot.” ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/83 "2019-05-03T17:11:12Z")
> [@Limmin](#): > > Since we’re talking real pain here and not “bad but kinda funny” then I’ll tell you about what your bumper sticker reminds me of: > > “Cooking with Poo” > > That’s the title of a real cookbook, by a nice, presumably Thai woman named Poo. I’m sure it’s a fine book, and she looks like a darling, smiling on the front cover of the book. But the title…gawd. But that title probably increased sales. I bought three one year and gave them out for Christmas. To certain relatives. From an old children’s joke book: Q - In the Bigger family there are three people. Mama Bigger, Daddy Bigger, and Baby Bigger. Which one is bigger? A - The baby. It’s a little Bigger. ---
**Author:** ![Dead\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9fc29f/32.png) [@Dead\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dead_Cat)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/84 "2019-05-03T17:29:32Z")
> [@CalMeacham](#): > > No, just because I can make the construction “tie it fast” doesn’t make that a joke. You wouldn’t ordinarily do it. The construction that tying the horse to a post so it can’t eat makes it “fast” follows better both logically and grammatically. The idea that you can tie something “fast” does not. At all. The point of the joke is the setup gets you thinking along the lines of whether exercising the horse, changing its diet, seeking advice from a vet (or whatever) might increase the speed at which it travels, only for the punchline to give the simple solution of tying it to a post being how you ‘make it fast’. So as others have said, it’s a fairly standard classic joke format. I agree with you it’s not particularly funny, but I don’t get the hate. > [@BlankSlate](#): > > So how about Grimmauld Place? Huh. There was I thinking I was pretty clever for only taking a couple of years to get “Knockturn Alley”, then you hit me with this one. What. A. Dunce. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malleus_incus_stapes/32/3293_2.png) [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/85 "2019-05-03T17:42:22Z")
> [@BlankSlate](#): > > So how about Grimmauld Place? … … … _lightbulb goes on_ …OH. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/86 "2019-05-03T17:59:12Z")
> [@Dead\_Cat](#): > > The point of the joke is the setup gets you thinking along the lines of whether exercising the horse, changing its diet, seeking advice from a vet (or whatever) might increase the speed at which it travels, only for the punchline to give the simple solution of tying it to a post being how you ‘make it fast’. So as others have said, it’s a fairly standard classic joke format. I agree with you it’s not particularly funny, but I don’t get the hate. Because even if I granted your explanation, it’s a really bad joke. It _doesn’t_ follow the usual joke set up, in which you could end up with a statement that can be interpreted two ways, with one possibly being phonetically equal. an example of that kind of joke is: “Why is whispering against the law?” “Because it isn’t aloud.” “How do you get down off an elephant?” “You don’t get down off an elephant. You get down off a duck.” But “How do you make a slow horse fast?” “Tie it to a post” Doesn’t follow. In the first place a pony tethered isn’t “firmly fixed”, and in the second place using fest in exactly that way isn’t common contemporary usage. I’m reminded of what they had to do for a joke in the play and movie **1776** Charles Thomson (Secretary): “Rhode Island?” (no answer) John Hancock (President of Continental Congress)“Where is Rhode Island?” McNabb (Congressional custodian): "He’s out visitin’ the necessary. Hancock: "After what he’s consumed, I’m not surprised. we’ll come back to him. Thomson: “Rhode Island passes.” (Loud laughter from congress) They said they HAD to have Congress laugh at that, or modern audiences probably wouldn’t get the joke. Except that “Rhode Island passes” is a lot more comprehensible than “Tie it to a post.” Be honest – if I hadn’t given the supposed explanation, would _you_ have gotten the joke? ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Cad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saint_cad/32/18907_2.png) [@Saint\_Cad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Cad)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/87 "2019-05-03T19:58:22Z")
From the early days of the AIDS epidemic. What is the hardest part of having AIDS? Convincing your parents you’re Haitian. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/88 "2019-05-03T20:13:37Z")
> [@CalMeacham](#): > > Your suppositions about my ability to understand the second joke are completely off the mark. If I point out that this is the punchline, I am emphasizing the last of the joke’s funniness, not my slowness in comprehending it. > > As for the first, I don’t need to look in the dictionary. I know that meaning of “fast”. I knew it when I was a kid, and my sister first told me that. The problem is that it doesn’t, in my mind “work” at all as a joke. > > “How do you make a slow horse fast” > > “Tie it to a post” > > No, just because I can make the construction “tie it fast” doesn’t make that a joke. You wouldn’t ordinarily do it. The construction that tying the horse to a post so it can’t eat makes it “fast” follows better both logically and grammatically. The idea that you can tie something “fast” does not. At all. I agree with most everyone else. “Tie it to a post” works. ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/89 "2019-05-03T20:15:22Z")
> [@CalMeacham](#): > > But “How do you make a slow horse fast?” > > “Tie it to a post” > > Doesn’t follow. In the first place a pony tethered isn’t “firmly fixed”, and in the second place using fest [_sic_] in exactly that way isn’t common contemporary usage. Well, it probably was back when that joke originated. In any case, plenty of us who are considerably younger than that joke were nonetheless easily able to recognize the “make it fast” (in the sense of “securing it”) idiom. And indeed, it used to be a completely standard idiom, as in [this instance from 1884](https://books.google.com/books?id=K786AQAAMAAJ&pg=RA1-PA244): > [@](#): > > As she spoke, she jumped out [of her pony-drawn vehicle], and began to make the pony fast to a scrub-oak. Or [this one from 1895](https://books.google.com/books?id=faBFAQAAMAAJ&pg=PA531): > [@](#): > > Only you’d better find a lamp-post and make the horse fast to it […] Or [this one from 1896](https://books.google.com/books?id=R2M-AAAAYAAJ&pg=PA150): > [@](#): > > I made the horse fast to a sapling and announced that all was ready. > [@CalMeacham](#): > > Be honest – if I hadn’t given the supposed explanation, would _you_ have gotten the joke? Yup, I got it right away. But then, I’m a little more conversant with old-fashioned literature (and possibly with old-fashioned modes of transport) than you seem to be, and the concept of “making a horse fast to” some immovable object does not strike me as strange or incomprehensible in any way. ---
**Author:** ![Civil\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d78d45/32.png) [@Civil\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Civil_Guy)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/90 "2019-05-03T21:13:16Z")
The moral of the story is: look both ways before you cross the street. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/91 "2019-05-03T21:15:35Z")
Those of you who grew up in central Iowa in the 1960s or 1970s will appreciate this: Why did the man put his car in the oven? Because he wanted a hot rod. Or: What’s the biggest pencil in the world? Pennsylvania. > **[The Floppy Show](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Floppy_Show)** > > The Floppy Show is an American children's television series starring Duane Ellett, broadcast on NBC affiliate WHO-TV in Des Moines, Iowa from 1957 to 1987. Ellett created Floppy in early 1957 to help teach people how to take care of their pets on the TV show Pet Corner, before moving on to their own show. > Duane Ellett entertained children with his puppet friend Floppy, a high-voiced beagle that enjoyed riddles and let kids beep his nose for luck. Ellett had carved Floppy himself from balsa wood,... There’s an urban legend that in the early 1970s, a very popular band, most likely Deep Purple, was playing at the local Enormodome and someone in the opening act got really sick, so they cancelled. As a joke, someone suggested the above act and it turned out they were available, so when Duane Ellett and his puppet, Floppy, walked out onstage, the crowd rose to its feet and started chanting, “FLOPPY! FLOPPY! FLOPPY!” After the advent of social media, the story fizzled out because certainly SOMEONE reading it would actually have been there. :o p.s. Plus, certainly a band as big as Deep Purple were would certainly have published biographies, and being upstaged by a ventriloquist from a locally produced children’s television show would have gotten in it. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/92 "2019-05-03T22:03:21Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > Well, it probably was back when that joke originated. In any case, plenty of us who are considerably younger than that joke were nonetheless easily able to recognize the “make it fast” (in the sense of “securing it”) idiom. > > And indeed, it used to be a completely standard idiom, as in [this instance from 1884](https://books.google.com/books?id=K786AQAAMAAJ&pg=RA1-PA244): > > Or [this one from 1895](https://books.google.com/books?id=faBFAQAAMAAJ&pg=PA531): > > Or [this one from 1896](https://books.google.com/books?id=R2M-AAAAYAAJ&pg=PA150): > > Yup, I got it right away. But then, I’m a little more conversant with old-fashioned literature (and possibly with old-fashioned modes of transport) than you seem to be, and the concept of “making a horse fast to” some immovable object does not strike me as strange or incomprehensible in any way. That you had to reach back to the 19th century for those examples is significant. ---
**Author:** ![yourbrownthoughts](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/90ced4/32.png) [@yourbrownthoughts](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yourbrownthoughts)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/93 "2019-05-03T22:21:19Z")
[quote=“CalMeacham, post:60, topic:833258”] My relatives are responsible for the bad jokes I’ve heard. From my sister (when we both little) “How do you make a slow horse fast?” Answer: “Tie it to a post” Me: I don’t get it. Does that mean if you tie it to a post it can’t get to food, so it can’t eat? Her: I think it means that you tie it _fast_. to this day I haven’t heard a good explanation for this “joke” She could have meant by tying the horse up it’s been made slow quickly, as long as one didn’t spend too much time tying it to the post. That still doesn’t make it funny, though it’s quite cute in a way. ---
**Author:** ![Treppenwitz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treppenwitz/32/3445_2.png) [@Treppenwitz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Treppenwitz)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2019, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/94 "2019-05-04T16:08:33Z")
> [@Saint\_Cad](#): > > From the early days of the AIDS epidemic. > > What is the hardest part of having AIDS? > Convincing your parents you’re Haitian. There were many truly unpleasant AIDS jokes going around at the time. The worst I remember went: Q: What does AIDS stand for? A: Arse Injected Death Sentence The OP asked for “just terrible at every conceivable level.” - I would submit this comes pretty close. Crass, cruel, homophobic and utterly unfunny. j ---
**Author:** ![F.U.Shakespeare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/aca169/32.png) [@F.U.Shakespeare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/F.U.Shakespeare)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2019, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/95 "2019-05-04T19:41:02Z")
> [@Gatopescado](#): > > The _Brady Bunch_ joke. > > Something about an architect that designs a building with no doors. How do you get in? Run around and around and around until you’re in. 😕 Don’t remember it exactly, and refuse to look it up. > > Didn’t get it 40 years ago, still don’t get it. Maybe that was the point. Not supposed to be funny. I’m reminded of the guy getting dressed for work who couldn’t find his underwear. What did he do? He ran around the room until he was breathing in short pants. ---
**Author:** ![Blue\_Blistering\_Barnacle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blue_blistering_barnacle/32/3386_2.png) [@Blue\_Blistering\_Barnacle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blue_Blistering_Barnacle)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2019, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/96 "2019-05-04T21:28:33Z")
I can’t repeat mine. I heard it as a grade schooler. Still makes me sick to think of it. ☹ I guess we have dimensions of badness to report: racist, cruel, disgusting ---
**Author:** ![commasense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/commasense/32/3017_2.png) [@commasense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/commasense)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2019, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/97 "2019-05-04T22:06:31Z")
> [@cochrane](#): > > A guy is hosting a party and a drunken guest approaches him. The drunk guy says, “Do you have green toilet paper that says, ‘FUCK YOU!’” The host replies, “No.” Then the drunk says, “Well, then, I think I just wiped my ass with your parrot.” Far from being the worst joke ever, when I heard Patton Oswalt deliver this one, I was in stitches for minutes. Here’s my nomination for worst joke ever (a few days after Yom HaShoah): Arbeit Macht Frei. ---
**Author:** ![Biffster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biffster/32/339_2.png) [@Biffster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffster)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2019, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/98 "2019-05-04T22:10:03Z")
Well, there were all the dead baby jokes I learned when I was a teenager. Maybe it was just the callous taboo nature of those jokes that was the appeal. For example: What’s red and swings? A baby on a meat hook. What’s green and swings? Same baby two weeks later. Horrible, I know. ---
**Author:** ![Biffster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biffster/32/339_2.png) [@Biffster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffster)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2019, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/99 "2019-05-04T22:11:23Z")
> [@commasense](#): > > Far from being the worst joke ever, when I heard Patton Oswalt deliver this one, I was in stitches for minutes. > > Here’s my nomination for worst joke ever (a few days after Yom HaShoah): Arbeit Macht Frei. I just seriously LOL’d at that one. ---
**Author:** ![Biffster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biffster/32/339_2.png) [@Biffster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffster)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2019, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/100 "2019-05-04T22:24:16Z")
> [@snfaulkner](#): > > What’s the worst part about sex with 5yr old? > > getting the blood out of your clown suit > > What’s the best part about having sex with a 14 yr old in the shower? > > Slick her hair back and she looks 12 > > For the record, I’m 100% against pedophilia. These are the jokes I’ve remembered for years because of how bad they are. What’s the best thing about sex with twenty eight year olds? Why, there’s twenty of them, of course! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258.md?page=6)