# What was the worst joke you ever heard in your life? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 30, 2019, 10:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258 "2019-04-30T10:26:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2019, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/121 "2019-05-06T14:27:22Z")
About the only joke I remember from my old man makes reference to the greatest feat of taxidermy of all time: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police. I only ever gave him side eye when he’d tell it. My kids have all heard it though. And not from him. I am a truly horrible human being. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Tooth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c67d28/32.png) [@The\_Tooth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Tooth)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2019, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/122 "2019-05-06T16:46:39Z")
> [@Biffster](#): > > I believe it was known as the Clown Joke, where a guy seeks revenge on a clown that traumatized him as a young boy. It goes something like this (with variations of course): > > [Reddit - Dive into anything](https://www.google.ca/amp/s/amp.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wmv58/the_clown_joke_warning_very_long/) I’m tickled by the concept of there being a difference between men who dress like clowns and actual clowns. ---
**Author:** ![Blue\_Blistering\_Barnacle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blue_blistering_barnacle/32/3386_2.png) [@Blue\_Blistering\_Barnacle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blue_Blistering_Barnacle)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2019, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/123 "2019-05-06T18:52:49Z")
I like shaggy dog stories- the Clown Joke is new to me, so thanks for the link, Biffster. ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2019, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/124 "2019-05-06T19:49:50Z")
Johnny Fuckerfaster took his girlfriend down to his parents’ basement and they proceeded to make whoopee. After a few minutes, his mother opens the door and hollers “Johnny! Johnny Fuckerfaster!” “I’ll be up there in a minute,” he replied. ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2019, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/125 "2019-05-06T23:08:52Z")
Q: Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 2 year old child crying? A: He was having a mid-life crisis. ---
**Author:** ![Lucas\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucas_jackson/32/303_2.png) [@Lucas\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucas_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2019, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/126 "2019-05-07T03:41:07Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > Yeah, it’s significant of the fact that _Q. “How do you make a slow horse fast?” A. “Tie it to a post.”_ is an old joke, as [this 1912 published version of it](https://books.google.com/books?id=66ztAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA412) illustrates. I’m not sure why there is such confusion over this. This is a perfectly cromulent joke. It’s not side-splitting but it’s funny and it works. Period. It reminds me of the caliber of joke you would get out of a Big Book of Jokes, or some such publication. ---
**Author:** ![Slash1972](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slash1972/32/6461_2.png) [@Slash1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slash1972)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2019, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/127 "2019-05-07T04:00:22Z")
> [@Peter\_Morris](#): > > Q: Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 2 year old child crying? > > A: He was having a mid-life crisis. I think this wins. Jesus, man. ---
**Author:** ![Biffster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biffster/32/339_2.png) [@Biffster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffster)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2019, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/128 "2019-05-07T04:09:52Z")
> [@Blue\_Blistering\_Barnacle](#): > > I like shaggy dog stories- the Clown Joke is new to me, so thanks for the link, Biffster. It’s one of my faves. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Lucas\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucas_jackson/32/303_2.png) [@Lucas\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucas_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2019, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/129 "2019-05-07T05:44:54Z")
> [@Slash1972](#): > > I think this wins. Jesus, man. Yes. Yes it does. ---
**Author:** ![Lucas\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucas_jackson/32/303_2.png) [@Lucas\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucas_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2019, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/130 "2019-05-07T05:54:05Z")
OK in the spirit of the thread… This is a joke I actually heard. A guy lived above a pickle factory. One day he was shaving, dropped his razor cutting off his schlong… The joke goes on to say it fell in some green paint blah blah blah. I don’t even remember the punchline but with a set up that contorted and contrived nothing could save it. ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2019, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/131 "2019-05-07T15:58:15Z")
My apoligies if its been mentioned before but I always enjoyed “Ship of Fools” for its bad and offensive jokes. One burned into my brain (with variations of gender and complexity) has always been: A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, “My child, why are you so upset?” The little girl turns to him and says, “My mummy and daddy were in their car – and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there.” The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, “It’s just not your day, is it?” [http://www.ship-of-fools.com/features/2005/laugh\_judgment\_results.html](http://www.ship-of-fools.com/features/2005/laugh_judgment_results.html) (the 2005 “Laugh Judgement”) ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2019, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/132 "2019-05-07T16:19:09Z")
> [@Lucas\_Jackson](#): > > OK in the spirit of the thread… > > This is a joke I actually heard. A guy lived above a pickle factory. One day he was shaving, dropped his razor cutting off his schlong… > > The joke goes on to say it fell in some green paint blah blah blah. I don’t even remember the punchline but with a set up that contorted and contrived nothing could save it. Yeah. If it’s the one I heard on the school bus, the punchline is anatomically incorrect. ---
**Author:** ![Enright3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/enright3/32/2897_2.png) [@Enright3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enright3)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2019, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/133 "2019-05-07T17:01:26Z")
> [@beowulff](#): > > The Aristocrats. Agreed. It’s a silly joke that is just an excuse for people to try to say the most vile things possible under the pretense of a joke. :rolleyes: Furthermore, while I enjoy a dirty joke; as I get older I’ often scratching my head when someone uses vulgar language just for the sake of using vulgar language that adds nothing to the humor. Yeah, I know, I’m turning into a curmudgeon. ---
**Author:** ![Chad\_Sudan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chad_sudan/32/4509_2.png) [@Chad\_Sudan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chad_Sudan)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2019, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/134 "2019-05-07T17:13:59Z")
From Boys’ Life, 1939: “Let me see, I know most of your folks, but I’ve never met your brother, George. Which side of the house does he look like?” “The one with the bay window.” ---
**Author:** ![tim-n-va](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tim-n-va/32/3001_2.png) [@tim-n-va](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tim-n-va)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2019, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/135 "2019-05-07T19:58:50Z")
Anal sex is like broccoli. If you are forced to have it as a child, you probably won’t like it as an adult. ---
**Author:** ![JohnGalt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johngalt/32/184_2.png) [@JohnGalt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnGalt)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2019, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/136 "2019-05-08T00:32:05Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > As a clown and a little boy are walking into the woods the boy turns to the clown and says “I’m scared!” > “_You’re_ scared?”, the clown replies, “_I_ have to walk back out alone!” Let me fix that for you: r/clown/scoutmaster/ Along the same line: Q: What’s small and blue and cries when it has sex? A: The cub scout tied up in my basement. Just about the worst one I’ve heard: A man is walking on the empty beach at the ocean at sunset, and comes across a young lady in a wheelchair. Seeing that she’s sobbing, he asks “What’s wrong?” She turns to him and says “I’ve been sick my whole life and missed out of so much. \ I’ve never been fucked.” So he takes hold of the wheelchair handles, pushes her into the rising tide until the water is up to her lips, and then walks away, leaving her there. She asks “What’s going on?” He calls back to her, “Now you’re fucked.” ---
**Author:** ![Sangahyando](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f14d63/32.png) [@Sangahyando](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sangahyando)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2019, 8:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/137 "2019-05-08T08:50:07Z")
> [@Enright3](#): > > Agreed. It’s a silly joke that is just an excuse for people to try to say the most vile things possible under the pretense of a joke. :rolleyes: > > Furthermore, while I enjoy a dirty joke; as I get older I’ often scratching my head when someone uses vulgar language just for the sake of using vulgar language that adds nothing to the humor. Yeah, I know, I’m turning into a curmudgeon. There’s been a thread on the Dope in the past couple / three years about “The Aristocrats” (I just now tried a search for it, unsuccessfully). Consensus there seemed to be, that this routine is a rather special case – it grew up as a thing among and between comedians, in the days when there were decidedly strict and prudish limitations on what they could say on the public stage. The whole idea was for them to – amongst themselves – vie with each other for original twists and turns re the exercise of spouting as much, and as disgusting, filth as possible, in the process of telling a silly and pointless tale. It’s reckoned not even to be particularly about aristocrats: the “punchline” could be almost any plural noun, and still make as much or as little sense. ---
**Author:** ![Sangahyando](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f14d63/32.png) [@Sangahyando](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sangahyando)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2019, 9:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/138 "2019-05-08T09:10:43Z")
> [@Sangahyando](#): > > There’s been a thread on the Dope in the past couple / three years about “The Aristocrats” (I just now tried a search for it, unsuccessfully). Found it. [https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=758201&highlight=Aristocrats](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=758201&highlight=Aristocrats) ---
**Author:** ![Paintcharge](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/paintcharge/32/7946_2.png) [@Paintcharge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Paintcharge)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2019, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/139 "2019-05-08T13:32:36Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > As a clown and a little boy are walking into the woods the boy turns to the clown and says “I’m scared!” > “_You’re_ scared?”, the clown replies, “_I_ have to walk back out alone!” > [@JohnGalt](#): > > Let me fix that for you: r/clown/scoutmaster/ > > Along the same line: > Q: What’s small and blue and cries when it has sex? > A: The cub scout tied up in my basement. > > Just about the worst one I’ve heard: > A man is walking on the empty beach at the ocean at sunset, and comes across a young lady in a wheelchair. Seeing that she’s sobbing, he asks “What’s wrong?” She turns to him and says “I’ve been sick my whole life and missed out of so much. \ I’ve never been fucked.” So he takes hold of the wheelchair handles, pushes her into the rising tide until the water is up to her lips, and then walks away, leaving her there. She asks “What’s going on?” He calls back to her, “Now you’re fucked.” The worst one I ever heard was: Q: How do you make a small boy cry twice? A: Wipe your bloody cock on his teddy bear. And I know a guy who, somewhat too often, will drunkenly try to tell the shaggy dog joke about a pirate captain leading his men into battle and needs his brown pants. He always messes it up. ---
**Author:** ![Nobody](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/94ad74/32.png) [@Nobody](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nobody)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2019, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258/140 "2019-05-09T00:21:32Z")
> [@Paintcharge](#): > > And I know a guy who, somewhat too often, will drunkenly try to tell the shaggy dog joke about a pirate captain leading his men into battle and needs his brown pants. He always messes it up. The way I heard the joke told it wasn’t a shaggy dog story. When I was a kid a popular kind of joke started with, “What’s grosser than gross?” What’s grosser than gross? Getting a boner and running out of skin. What’s grosser than gross? Two vampires fighting over a bloody tampon. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-was-the-worst-joke-you-ever-heard-in-your-life/833258.md?page=8)