# What were you THINKING? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [October 13, 2023, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-were-you-thinking/991532 "2023-10-13T19:36:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 187
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2025, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-were-you-thinking/991532/4017 "2025-03-02T21:33:54Z")
I agree with this. ^^ ---
**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2025, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-were-you-thinking/991532/4018 "2025-03-02T21:39:34Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > Methinks someone might have his priorities regarding what makes a potential mate “wonderful” slightly skewed. Nah, it wouldn’t last if the person had an offensive personality - people’s beauty is heavily skewed by that. But I won’t be shy about looking for an attractive mate; my first wife was 6 years older than me, and had previously had a gastric bypass surgery. I’m divorced and looking for the love of my life. Your damn right I’m going to start with those I find attractive. > [@Beckdawrek](#): > > the candy is sweet right now. But you gotta know this is gonna go sour. IMO. I’m well aware of your provincial opinions about sex work. What I shared was an _issue_ I had. In the real world, I’m dating a person. This is just a part of her past. > [@Beckdawrek](#): > > The telling of her stage name was like saying “Hey, guys…look at what I got. Neener, neener!” Teenage boy, enough? That seems to be the board’s consensus. And I’ve expressed a mea culpa But it does strikes me that it undercuts anybody’s claim to have respect for a woman’s autonomy to engage in sex work if identifying a person as a sex worker is taboo. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2025, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-were-you-thinking/991532/4019 "2025-03-02T21:54:07Z")
> [@Moriarty](#): > > But it does strikes me that it undercuts anybody’s claim to have respect for a woman’s autonomy to engage in sex work if identifying a person as a sex worker is taboo. You’re missing the point. No one (well, almost no one) cares if you date someone who engaged in sex work. Did you not gather that from the tenor of the responses you got in your thread? > [@Moriarty](#): > > my first wife was 6 years older than me, and had previously had a gastric bypass surgery. WTF? I don’t even know what you mean by this. Do you want a pat on the head for deigning to consider that a woman who was, gasp, older than you, and was previously fat, is worthy of your sexual attentions? As to wanting a sexually attractive woman to date, that’s fine. Sexual attraction is important in the vast majority of romantic relationships. But in the truly good relationships, a large component of that attraction flows from emotional and intellectual compatibility. If you only pay attention to women who are a 10 on the looks scale, you are cutting yourself off from a lot of potentially terrific mates. ---
**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2025, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-were-you-thinking/991532/4020 "2025-03-02T22:00:51Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > Do you want a pat on the head for deigning to consider that a woman who was, gasp, older than you, and was previously fat, is worthy of your sexual attentions? No, but I bristle at insinuations that I’m solely looking for a mate based on looks, or status, or some other shallow metric. I didn’t just _deign_ to be attracted to her; I married her. > [@CairoCarol](#): > > But in the truly good relationships, a large component of that attraction flows from emotional and intellectual compatibility. Abso - fucking - lutely. I can’t stand being on even one date with somebody I can’t converse with, no matter how attractive they might have initially seemed. > [@CairoCarol](#): > > If you only pay attention to women who are a 10 on the looks scale, you are cutting yourself off from a lot of potentially terrific mates. Since my divorce, and after processing the grief of losing my “family”, I’ve set some standards for myself. **Not** based on looks, but based on lifestyle. I go to the gym regularly, and eat very healthy; I have decided not to date a woman unless she does similarly. So it might seem superficial when I am selecting for woman with very nice bodies, but it’s actually not. ---
**Author:** ![EinsteinsHund](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/einsteinshund/32/8400_2.png) [@EinsteinsHund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EinsteinsHund)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2025, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-were-you-thinking/991532/4021 "2025-03-02T22:01:34Z")
> [@Moriarty](#): > > But it does strikes me that it undercuts anybody’s claim to have respect for a woman’s autonomy to engage in sex work if identifying a person as a sex worker is taboo. Totally wrong. Doxing your date was you bragging and a shit move to her. Criticizing this behavior has nothing to do with lacking respect for a former sex worker, but with your lacking respect for her and us losing respect for you for doing this. ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2025, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-were-you-thinking/991532/4022 "2025-03-02T22:01:57Z")
> [@Moriarty](#): > > But it does strikes me that it undercuts anybody’s claim to have respect for a woman’s autonomy to engage in sex work if identifying a person as a sex worker is taboo. Yeah, it’s funny how after the Sexual Revolution of the 1960s and the Women’s Liberation of the 1970s, old-fashioned puritanical prudery snuck back in through the cellar door by rebranding itself as supposedly being concerned with women’s victimhood. In the case of sex work it’s the patronizing assertion that the women involved simply haven’t woken up to their exploitation yet. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2025, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-were-you-thinking/991532/4023 "2025-03-02T22:12:07Z")
Ask her how she feels about you doxxing her on a message board. If she’s truely putting her old life behind her. You may very well have started it up again. She might not appreciate that. Ahem. You know nothing of my veiws on sexuality or porn. All you know is I was attacked for having _egads_ an opinion on a teacher posting porn. ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2025, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-were-you-thinking/991532/4024 "2025-03-02T22:17:19Z")
If you read my post objecting to the overwhelming majority of porn, > [@Lumpy](#): > > old-fashioned puritanical prudery does not enter into it. > [@Lumpy](#): > > In the case of sex work it’s the patronizing assertion that the women involved simply haven’t woken up to their exploitation yet. i have known I am frankly unsure how many women who have worked as prostitutes. I met these women as a patient in various mental health programs. The details of their lives differed so slightly as to be almost identical- A male relative (often a father) molested them often and thoroughly. Either nobody believed them when they reported the sexual abuse, or nobody cared. So, they ran away. They were unable to find shelter or work. They were young, attractive, and had already learned to disassociate while a relative had sex with them. So, they started having sex with strange men for money. I am not saying that this is the case for all prostitutes everywhere. But, I suspect it is fairly common. Note that I do not object to stripping which is often classified as ‘sex work’. If a woman who strips at a club ever talks to you truthfully, it becomes clear that it is the men in the audience who are exploited not the women on stage. Make eye contact. Make a man think he is special. Hint vaguely that in the champagne room of if he gives you enough money there will be actual sex. One of my classmates in a small ceramics class way back in college was the stereotypical stripper who did it to make money so she could pay for classes, get a degree and move on to the career she really wanted. My sister worked as a stripper for a while for the same reason. Here, I am claiming that the overwhelming majority of female strippers find the men showering them with cash gullible fools at best. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2025, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-were-you-thinking/991532/4025 "2025-03-02T22:24:05Z")
> [@Moriarty](#): > > I didn’t just _deign_ to be attracted to her; I married her. But you haven’t explained why you felt it necessary to say you married a woman 6 years your senior who had previously had gastric by-pass surgery. Please explain how that is relevant, particularly in the context of you trying to convince us that you’re actually a nice guy? > [@Moriarty](#): > > So it might seem superficial when I am selecting for woman with very nice bodies, but it’s actually not. Sorry. It’s superficial. You say you go to the gym regularly and eat healthy, and want someone who does the same. Fair enough - I think it’s a good trait to respect your body and take care of it. Plus it could be something that makes you compatible - you won’t be arguing over whether the expense of a gym membership is a good use of funds, or whether you want to stop at McDonald’s on the way home from a tiring day out. But not every person who exercises and eats well has a gorgeous body. Maybe they had a mastectomy. Maybe they just weren’t blessed with conventional good looks or a tiny waist. _That_ part is superficial. Just fucking own it. ---
**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2025, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-were-you-thinking/991532/4026 "2025-03-02T22:24:59Z")
> [@EinsteinsHund](#): > > Doxing your date I did no such thing. You aren’t doxxing by identifying a public figure. If somebody came here and said they were dating a celebrity, and then name dropped Daniel Radcliffe, would he have been doxxed, even though we can see his penis in Equuis? > [@EinsteinsHund](#): > > was you bragging Fine. But I’ll point out that people were taunting me in that thread, saying it sounded like I couldn’t handle my feelings. Well, shit, maybe I didn’t need to feel bad about this. > [@EinsteinsHund](#): > > a shit move to her Why? Because now things she knows are on the Internet are now known by more Internet denizens. I thought people posted here about their relationships. I thought they may have even said things they wouldn’t want their SO to see; maybe honest feelings that are still in a stage of evolution. I didn’t do anything to her. And in person _this_ isn’t a topic or an issue. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2025, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-were-you-thinking/991532/4027 "2025-03-02T22:28:19Z")
> [@Moriarty](#): > > I didn’t do anything to her. And in person _this_ isn’t a topic or an issue. So she is fine with what you posted? ---
**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2025, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-were-you-thinking/991532/4028 "2025-03-02T22:37:14Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > But you haven’t explained why you felt it necessary to say you married a woman 6 years your senior who had previously had gastric by-pass surgery. Because I don’t get into relationships for superficial reasons like a person’s looks. > [@CairoCarol](#): > > But not every person who exercises and eats well has a gorgeous body. Of course. But I’m not meeting people in the gym. So if you are out and about and looking to meet somebody who does exercise and eat well, a good tell is that they have been successful at it, and therefore have a nice body. > [@CairoCarol](#): > > Maybe they just weren’t blessed with conventional good looks or a tiny waist. _That_ part is superficial. Just fucking own it. You know what, I will. I **also** want to date a stunningly attractive woman. I am therefore going to actively discriminate against all men and many women. Now, how they are attractive will be determined solely by me, according to criteria that I select, but I do expect that there will be some crossover with other people. But I really don’t think it’s as superficial as you say. Being strongly attracted to somebody physically is at least as closely aligned with their being as being attracted emotionally, no? I know my wife was gorgeous when we were together; now, the mother of my child looks, to me, tired and unappealing. But that’s at least as much a reflection of one’s inner light as anything. ---
**Author:** ![Darren\_Garrison](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/darren_garrison/32/92_2.png) [@Darren\_Garrison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darren_Garrison)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2025, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-were-you-thinking/991532/4029 "2025-03-02T22:37:30Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > Ahem. You know nothing of my veiws on sexuality or porn. You do realize that your past posts still exist, right? > [@Misogyny and pop culture: don't yuck my yum! (Spoilers for the movie Poor Things)](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/misogyny-and-pop-culture-dont-yuck-my-yum-spoilers-for-the-movie-poor-things/997107/251): > > No one can call me on this. You know why? Because it’s my own fucking opinion. I have a right to it. You can call me condescending all you want. Until you’re a woman and have been treated like a dumb blond sex object you’ll never stop this holier-than-thou attitude that I’m just the little woman, “oh look how cute, she has an opinion” crap. I’m not gonna back off my generalizing that all sex work and pornography is terrible. The 2% that had a good experience, well good for them. That is not … ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2025, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-were-you-thinking/991532/4030 "2025-03-02T22:39:44Z")
IMO the @Moriarty thread was doomed to devolve into another round of the war of the sexes threads that plagued the Dope for so long. And got very tiresome as the usual suspects lined up on both sides to shout at one another with their fingers in their ears. In the last few years the very topic has become taboo. The “safe space” mentality here means it’s forbidden to write a thread that will awaken the dread war-of-sexes-Chthulu. I do not mean any of this as a criticism of @Moriarty or of our current moderating standards. I’m simply observing that he/we backed ourselves into the same old place with the same old highly predictable responses. ---
**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2025, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-were-you-thinking/991532/4031 "2025-03-02T22:40:21Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > So she is fine with what you posted I have already said that I believe it is okay to post on the dope about private feelings separate and apart from your SO. So I have no idea what she’d think. I also don’t report back to you all the details of our lives. But when I opened up to you all, I did so completely. I was completely open about how I felt . I posted as I was thinking it through. People thought that was exploitative. Fine. It’s not like you’ll hear anything else. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2025, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-were-you-thinking/991532/4032 "2025-03-02T22:40:33Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > So she is fine with what you posted? It’s a fair question, but to me it doesn’t matter. She may very well be comfortable with what he posted. Personally I found it somewhat gross even if she was reading over Moriarty’s shoulder as he posted. Beck said it perfectly: > [@Beckdawrek](#): > > The telling of her stage name was like saying “Hey, guys…look at what I got. Neener, neener!” Teenage boy, enough? I know, I know, you (Moriarty, not Beck) have said mea culpa about that. So if you mean it, maybe stop defending yourself over the fact you did it? ---
**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2025, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-were-you-thinking/991532/4033 "2025-03-02T22:42:03Z")
> [@DocCathode](#): > > …A male relative (often a father) molested them often and thoroughly… And I was molested as a child. Maybe we were meant for each other. ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2025, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-were-you-thinking/991532/4034 "2025-03-02T22:44:33Z")
Again, that was my objection to _prostitution_. My objection to the overwhelming majority of _pornography_ is quite different. I made a lengthy post explaining that objection in your thread, ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2025, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-were-you-thinking/991532/4035 "2025-03-02T22:47:27Z")
> [@Moriarty](#): > > Because I don’t get into relationships for superficial reasons like a person’s looks. You just keep digging, don’t you? By definition a woman who is older than you, or has had gastric bypass surgery, is never going to be physically attractive? “I’m not superficial! I prefer blondes, but my first wife was a brunette. See how magnanimous I am?” ---
**Author:** ![EinsteinsHund](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/einsteinshund/32/8400_2.png) [@EinsteinsHund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EinsteinsHund)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2025, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-were-you-thinking/991532/4036 "2025-03-02T22:49:23Z")
> [@Moriarty](#): > > > [@EinsteinsHund](#): > > > > a shit move to her > > Why? Because now things she knows are on the Internet are now known by more Internet denizens. Ask yourself: would you show her the thread and all the details you posted about her? And expect her to be thrilled about it? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-were-you-thinking/991532.md?page=186) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-were-you-thinking/991532.md?page=188)