# What would be your Oscar acceptance speech? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 24, 2015, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-be-your-oscar-acceptance-speech/713546 "2015-02-24T22:10:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2015, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-be-your-oscar-acceptance-speech/713546/1 "2015-02-24T22:10:42Z")
So let’s say you won an Oscar. What would your acceptance speech at the ceremony be? Mine - assuming I didn’t trip and fall getting to the stage - would probably contain lots of “ummmms” and awkward pauses. I’d thank God, family, the directors, and maybe throw in some jokes that took me a week to rehearse in advance. In between I’d probably squint at the bright light in my eyes. Then I’d end the speech awkwardly and abruptly and go back to my seat. ---
**Author:** ![yellowjacketcoder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/4bbf92/32.png) [@yellowjacketcoder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yellowjacketcoder)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2015, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-be-your-oscar-acceptance-speech/713546/2 "2015-02-24T22:13:14Z")
It happens every so often, but if I got a statue, it’d be “Thank You”, and I’d walk away. Two words, that’s it. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2015, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-be-your-oscar-acceptance-speech/713546/3 "2015-02-24T22:16:01Z")
Something about Beyonce’s video and how Weird Al is the greatest of all time. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Roadfood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9fc348/32.png) [@Roadfood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roadfood)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2015, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-be-your-oscar-acceptance-speech/713546/4 "2015-02-24T22:17:28Z")
“I’m a software engineer, how the hell did I win an Oscar?” ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2015, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-be-your-oscar-acceptance-speech/713546/5 "2015-02-24T22:21:57Z")
> [@Roadfood](#): > > “I’m a software engineer, how the hell did I win an Oscar?” With all the CGI, that might be a category some day. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2015, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-be-your-oscar-acceptance-speech/713546/6 "2015-02-24T22:23:12Z")
“I’d like to thank nobody. I won this sucker on my own!” ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2015, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-be-your-oscar-acceptance-speech/713546/7 "2015-02-24T23:09:12Z")
“I’d like to thank the good people at PriceWaterhouse for accepting my bribe…” ---
**Author:** ![RivkahChaya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rivkahchaya/32/8919_2.png) [@RivkahChaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RivkahChaya)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2015, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-be-your-oscar-acceptance-speech/713546/8 "2015-02-24T23:17:30Z")
“If G-d has been working on me winning this award, that might explain the weather we’ve been having lately.” ---
**Author:** ![Smapti](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smapti/32/17938_2.png) [@Smapti](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smapti)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2015, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-be-your-oscar-acceptance-speech/713546/9 "2015-02-24T23:19:45Z")
"This entire ceremony is a bullshit party for one-percenters to pat each other on the back and tell each other how great they are. Chances are that most of the people who voted for me didn’t even watch the movie I was nominated for, and it doesn’t even matter who wins because the only reason you’re watching this is because multinational corporations are willing to shell out more money than you’ll ever see in your life for thirty seconds of airtime with which to try and sell you a product you don’t need and which will probably kill you in the long run. “Also, I’d like to thank my mother.” ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2015, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-be-your-oscar-acceptance-speech/713546/10 "2015-02-25T00:13:30Z")
"It was an honor to be nominated. But then you bastards disrespected me by giving me the award. I will make each and every one of you pay for this insult. And I’d also like to say hi to my mom." ---
**Author:** ![Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e47c2d/32.png) [@Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffy_the_Elephant_Shrew)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2015, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-be-your-oscar-acceptance-speech/713546/11 "2015-02-25T00:33:40Z")
“You people must be nuts.” ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2015, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-be-your-oscar-acceptance-speech/713546/12 "2015-02-25T00:49:14Z")
It would all depend on what the award was for, and who I worked with, etc. I certainly would thank my wife and mention my daughter, but anything else would be flexible. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2015, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-be-your-oscar-acceptance-speech/713546/13 "2015-02-25T00:54:52Z")
If I’d gotten a lot of money for my winning role:\*\* “SO LONG, SUCKERS!”\*\* ---
**Author:** ![galen\_ubal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/galen_ubal/32/4440_2.png) [@galen\_ubal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/galen_ubal)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2015, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-be-your-oscar-acceptance-speech/713546/14 "2015-02-25T01:05:37Z")
“Where am I, and why am I not wearing pants?” …and the I’d wake up. ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2015, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-be-your-oscar-acceptance-speech/713546/15 "2015-02-25T01:22:22Z")
Well…I don’t know…who any of you people are… but I take this applause to mean that you accept and welcome my leadership of your planet… I’m taking this statue as a token of your acceptance. Don’t anybody try to take it from me - it will end badly for you. Farewell. ---
**Author:** ![Trancephalic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trancephalic/32/380_2.png) [@Trancephalic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trancephalic)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2015, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-be-your-oscar-acceptance-speech/713546/16 "2015-02-25T01:36:25Z")
I was told the statuette was chocolate.😬 ---
**Author:** ![blondebear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blondebear/32/1022_2.png) [@blondebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blondebear)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2015, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-be-your-oscar-acceptance-speech/713546/17 "2015-02-25T02:25:14Z")
Thank you everyone! And now on with the show! ---
**Author:** ![Roland\_Orzabal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c2a13f/32.png) [@Roland\_Orzabal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roland_Orzabal)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2015, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-be-your-oscar-acceptance-speech/713546/18 "2015-02-25T03:52:46Z")
“Hey, thanks! Not sure why you gave me this, since I’ve never been in or involved with a movie, but then I guess knowing that would require you to actually watch movies, which hardly anyone involved in voting for these things does. Anyway, I’m available for talk shows and endorsements. Call me.”