# What Would the Straight Dope Do? (Dating advice) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 16, 2011, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-the-straight-dope-do-dating-advice/585693 "2011-06-16T15:05:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2011, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-the-straight-dope-do-dating-advice/585693/41 "2011-06-17T16:02:41Z")
> [@Dervorin](#): > > Actually, no. No one - well, almost no one now - thinks I’m gay. Or at least, no one has ever suggested it to me before; maybe they’re all quietly wondering why I keep ogling women. The Other girl was definitley the first that I can remember. So… I’m sorry, that’s not the real problem, and therefore shouldn’t change any advice! > > I think you’re right about the being polite and friendly, and less flirty - this is more or less my stated intention. However, as a friend of mine noted, I might be over-thinking this slightly. 😉 Oh, well. okay then. Please ignore the above. ::sheepish:: ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2011, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-the-straight-dope-do-dating-advice/585693/42 "2011-06-17T16:09:16Z")
I take it you’ve already sent her a picture of your stiffy? ---
**Author:** ![Dervorin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Dervorin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dervorin)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2011, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-the-straight-dope-do-dating-advice/585693/43 "2011-06-18T04:39:06Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Now that the thread has lots of advice, I’m going to say - > > Hire a HUGE group of backup singers and dancers > Sing a romantic love song to her in which you change outfits at least once > Make sure one of your outfits has leather pants so tight you can barely move > > This is guaranteed to sweep her off her feet. Haven’t we already discussed the problems associated with this style of wooing before? The problem is the damn backup dancers! > [@jjimm](#): > > I take it you’ve already sent her a picture of your stiffy? Yup. High-def. Many angles. Tried to avoid including the beer belly, and I think it worked. A little Photoshop made it look marvellous; like the Eiffel Tower placed on top of the Hoover Dam. Both length and width, you know… > [@TruCelt](#): > > Oh, well. okay then. Please ignore the above. > > ::sheepish:: I actually asked a female friend of mine whether I came across as gay, and she said “Well, you’re quite well turned out, and quite well spoken, and quite polite, so… well… sometimes, kinda.” I don’t know that I can be crass and rude and slovenly just so people know I’m straight! ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2011, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-the-straight-dope-do-dating-advice/585693/44 "2011-06-18T14:02:50Z")
> [@Dervorin](#): > > Haven’t we already discussed the problems associated with this style of wooing before? The problem is the damn backup dancers! You’re taking a swing dance class and you can’t figure out where to find backup dancers? :dubious: 😃 ---
**Author:** ![blindboyard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blindboyard/32/2833_2.png) [@blindboyard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blindboyard)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2011, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-the-straight-dope-do-dating-advice/585693/45 "2011-06-18T14:41:51Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > You’re taking a swing dance class and you can’t figure out where to find backup dancers? :dubious: He didn’t say what the problem with the backup dancers was. Maybe he doesn’t want them stealing his thunder. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2011, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-the-straight-dope-do-dating-advice/585693/46 "2011-06-18T15:12:05Z")
My advice. Be friendly and continue acting like you did before you asked her out. Don’t ask her specifically about the gallery opening she mentioned - it could look like you’re checking her story. You asked her on a date. She declined and didn’t suggest an alternative. So the ball is in her court now. She knows you’re interested. If she’s interested, she’ll ask you or she’ll let you know you should ask again. If she’s not interested or if she’s just thinking the situation over, pursuing her is not going to help your case - it’ll just make you look desperate and stalkerish. ---
**Author:** ![LurkerInNJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ed655f/32.png) [@LurkerInNJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkerInNJ)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2011, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-the-straight-dope-do-dating-advice/585693/47 "2011-06-19T03:42:00Z")
> [@Giles](#): > > I’m not very good at reading women, but her being flustered suggests that she is interested in you and wishes that the earlier conversation had gone better: the gallery opening was not just an excuse. So, don’t apologise for making her uncomfortable, but start a conversation with her next time you see her. “How did your sister’s gallery opening go?” might be a good opening line: if she’s still interested in you, that might lead to talk about going to the Zoo, etc. I would go with this. ---
**Author:** ![Dervorin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Dervorin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dervorin)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2011, 8:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-the-straight-dope-do-dating-advice/585693/48 "2011-06-19T08:24:07Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > You’re taking a swing dance class and you can’t figure out where to find backup dancers? :dubious: > > 😃 > [@blindboyard](#): > > He didn’t say what the problem with the backup dancers was. Maybe he doesn’t want them stealing his thunder. To both of you, I will just say this: [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=8762946&postcount=11](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=8762946&postcount=11) It’s still valid! ---
**Author:** ![Yeticus\_Rex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a698b9/32.png) [@Yeticus\_Rex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yeticus_Rex)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2011, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-the-straight-dope-do-dating-advice/585693/49 "2011-06-20T20:44:47Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > You’re taking a swing dance class and you can’t figure out where to find backup dancers? :dubious: > > 😃 > [@blindboyard](#): > > He didn’t say what the problem with the backup dancers was. Maybe he doesn’t want them stealing his thunder. [Does this qualify as a “backup dancer”?](http://www.celebrity-gossip.net/kim-kardashian/photo/kim-kardashian-reggie-bush-9) ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2011, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-the-straight-dope-do-dating-advice/585693/50 "2011-06-20T23:08:48Z")
Ask her out again, and this time if she comes up with an excuse, follow her secretly to see if she’s making it up or not! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![lorene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/65b543/32.png) [@lorene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lorene)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2011, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-the-straight-dope-do-dating-advice/585693/51 "2011-06-21T01:25:17Z")
> [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > Ha. Back when we’d first started dating, my parents invited Mr. Horseshoe’s parents over for dinner at their house. Other Shoe’s parents declined because a friend of theirs was having a gallery opening for the first time in a decade. My mother has still never forgiven them this slight, having taken it as a hair-washing excuse. (It really wasn’t.) Seriously, Ma: you cook dinner every night. :dubious: The first time I was supposed to go out with the guy who is now my husband, I had to cancel _to go out of town for a funeral_. Try living that shit down. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2011, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-the-straight-dope-do-dating-advice/585693/52 "2011-06-21T02:49:12Z")
Here’s my wild ass guess on what she was about. She’s an attractive and outgoing woman, who was flirting with you, a little, and you were both enjoying it. So far, so good. (By the way, I think you handled it beautifully, you sound a gentlemen, even your description of it was open and honest, kudos to you for that!) Like all attractive, outgoing women she has likely been the object of the unwanted attentions of someone she may have been flirting with because she felt safe with them. Someone like, say, her sister’s husband, or her best friend’s boyfriend, when they suddenly attempted to draw her into something she wasn’t bargaining for. He’s the scumbag, of course, but she’s going to go away feeling like she played a part in it, that she was putting out a vibe, or was more flirtatious than just fun bantering. Now imagine she wasn’t just asked for a date by these scumbags. Perhaps one groped her in the kitchen, at a party. Or kissed her, uninvited, when they were alone for a moment. Now she feels bad for her friend/sister and complicit for having bantered, racy or not, with the scumbag. Things such as this happen more often than men would imagine. Men are mistaken to believe if a woman is flustered around them, that they must be warm for them. It’s often not the case. As I said, just a wild ass guess. And my vote would be just let it go and wait for another signal from her. If she’s interested, she’ll let you know. ---
**Author:** ![MoodIndigo1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e8c25b/32.png) [@MoodIndigo1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MoodIndigo1)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2011, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-the-straight-dope-do-dating-advice/585693/53 "2011-06-21T03:07:57Z")
Lots of great advice on this thread, but… what if she just doesn’t like zoos? Personally, I hate them, don’t approve of them, and if the greatest guy on earth invited me to one, I’d be fishing for an excuse and probably looking flustered. I’d definitely refuse and write him off as a prospect. ---
**Author:** ![Kobal2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kobal2/32/20_2.png) [@Kobal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kobal2)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2011, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-the-straight-dope-do-dating-advice/585693/54 "2011-06-21T03:18:19Z")
> [@Markxxx](#): > > Some people get weirded out very easily. What surprises me is the number of women who honestly can’t figure out when a guy likes them. If I’m gay and I’m noticing it, you should be able to. It’s piss easy to notice it from the outside. From the inside, self-esteem (or lack thereof) tends to block the view 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2011, 5:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-the-straight-dope-do-dating-advice/585693/55 "2011-06-21T05:36:03Z")
> [@MoodIndigo1](#): > > Lots of great advice on this thread, but… what if she just doesn’t like zoos? > > Personally, I hate them, don’t approve of them, and if the greatest guy on earth invited me to one, I’d be fishing for an excuse and probably looking flustered. I’d definitely refuse and write him off as a prospect. He asked her out. So she knows he’s interested. If she’s interested, she’ll let him know. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2011, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-the-straight-dope-do-dating-advice/585693/56 "2011-06-21T06:04:19Z")
> [@Markxxx](#): > > Some people get weirded out very easily. What surprises me is the number of women who honestly can’t figure out when a guy likes them. If I’m gay and I’m noticing it, you should be able to. **Markxxx** , I wish I had a friend like you in RL because I can rarely tell for sure. It’s always “I think he likes…nah…well, maybe…nah, I’m reading too much into that…aren’t I?” Things would be easier to figure out if guys with significant others were both up front about it and didn’t flirt since I’ve grown to learn from too many flirtations that a guy’s apparent interest might be meaningless. ---
**Author:** ![Dervorin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Dervorin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dervorin)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2011, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-the-straight-dope-do-dating-advice/585693/57 "2011-06-21T22:15:50Z")
Well, it’s Tuesday, and I think the conclusion we can safely draw is that **Dervorin Preferred** is not the hot stock in demand at Angela Enterprises. 😉 We met up as usual at dance, and she was friendly and polite, and I was friendly and polite, and neither of us mentioned last week, but as a friend of mine noted, I think the era of the enjoyable flirting is over. I didn’t apologise or say anything about it, and she’s obviously quite happy to let it go and move on to a new era of carefully proscribed civil interaction. **elbows** , I think you may be on to something there. I do have a tendency to develop relationships with women where they see me as nice and safe, asexual even, and then something like this can be a bit awkward. Oh well. Cest la vie, and life goes on. I’m glad there was no residual flusterdness on her behalf. Of course, it didn’t help that we were doing dips at dance today, so there was rather a lot more body contact than there usually is. Irony. She was carefully trying not to make it obvious, but she was keeping more distance between us than any of my other partners. It’s interesting to wind your arm around someone and dip them in that situation. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![michael\_b](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/94ad74/32.png) [@michael\_b](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/michael_b)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2011, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-the-straight-dope-do-dating-advice/585693/58 "2011-06-22T00:19:32Z")
For starters, you are taking a dance class alone. She probably thinks you are gay. Sorry to be blunt about it, no offense. There is a reason she distanced herself for the rest of the night. She didn’t think of you in a romantic way. Women are typically flirty, especially with a guy who she might not feel threatened by (gay). I wouldn’t bring it up or apologize. Try engaging her in a conversation. Start with the basics, ask her how her weekend was, what she did, etc. Tell her you are in the dance class to learn some new stuff for an upcoming nuptial that you are attending. Man up…take control of the conversation, and pick a better date than the zoo at night. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-the-straight-dope-do-dating-advice/585693.md?page=2)