# What would you call the woman in this relationship. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 18, 2012, 10:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-call-the-woman-in-this-relationship/641391 "2012-11-18T10:11:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![\_Olive](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/_/4af34b/32.png) [@\_Olive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/_Olive)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2012, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-call-the-woman-in-this-relationship/641391/41 "2012-11-19T04:15:59Z")
Friend ---
**Author:** ![the\_diego](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@the\_diego](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the_diego)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2012, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-call-the-woman-in-this-relationship/641391/42 "2012-11-19T04:36:57Z")
Common law wife. ---
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2012, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-call-the-woman-in-this-relationship/641391/43 "2012-11-19T04:48:52Z")
It seems like according to the OP the defining feature of this woman’s life is the man, and the whole question is what is she called in relation to him. But what would you call him? ---
**Author:** ![snowmaster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e99b99/32.png) [@snowmaster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snowmaster)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2012, 7:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-call-the-woman-in-this-relationship/641391/44 "2012-11-19T07:23:28Z")
pelvic affiliate ---
**Author:** ![scootergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e99b99/32.png) [@scootergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scootergirl)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2012, 7:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-call-the-woman-in-this-relationship/641391/45 "2012-11-19T07:23:50Z")
Concubine is insulting. Ask them, if you are so curious. ---
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2012, 7:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-call-the-woman-in-this-relationship/641391/46 "2012-11-19T07:28:36Z")
> [@AK84](#): > > No, I thought they lived in different cities for shits and giggles.:rolleyes: > I am not his friend. I am a professional acquaintance and I have had the honour of dining at their house. I don’t see any of those terms as “insulting” and It is a different type of situation than the usual and where several adjectives normally employed (like girlfriend) don’t quite fit or the ones that do might be (wrongly IMO) disapproved of. Your posts sound quite insulting and judgmental. Why do you need a term beyond “friend”? You said he’s not your friend, so I don’t know why you feel you have to label his relationship. Good for them for making it work. ---
**Author:** ![grude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47774/32.png) [@grude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grude)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2012, 7:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-call-the-woman-in-this-relationship/641391/47 "2012-11-19T07:32:22Z")
> [@the\_diego](#): > > Common law wife. I agree. ---
**Author:** ![AK84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2012, 7:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-call-the-woman-in-this-relationship/641391/48 "2012-11-19T07:53:09Z")
> [@Princhester](#): > > \*\*AK84 \*\*are they exclusive? I can see your dilemma because none of the words you suggest are really apt, and I’d hesitate to say that “SO” or “girlfriend” are apt if their relationship isn’t exclusive. Although I suppose it may depend on what you put before those words ie if someone asked you “what relationship does this guy have with Mrs Q?”, much would depend on whether you said: > . > I must say I also don’t get from “girlfriend” the right mental picture because I don’t see the word as quite apt for someone you have two children with. I don’t know, I presume so. Most social functions where couples are invited they attend together and from what I can tell there is no one else. [QUOTE=Helena330] Why do you need a term beyond “friend”? You said he’s not your friend, so I don’t know why you feel you have to label his relationship [/QUOTE] He is someone I know professionally and whom I have the greatest of respect for and as so someone who has also mentored me professionally to an extent. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2012, 8:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-call-the-woman-in-this-relationship/641391/49 "2012-11-19T08:10:00Z")
> [@AK84](#): > > Concubine strictly meant a woman in a relationship with a man which was permanent, long term, similar to marriage but without the formal recognition of that state. “Concubine” was in common use back when marriage was pretty much the transfer of property (a woman) from father to husband. So back then, perhaps, it was “similar to marriage.” Nowadays, that’s not at all what marriage is about, and “concubine” is not at all similar to modern marriage. > [@Myrnalene](#): > > No, it doesn’t. Context is a thing. History exists. Words have connotations other than their dictionary definitions. Please keep your weirdo brain thoughts out of this woman’s business, and find something else to focus on. Word. Why is this so important to you? You say you’re not judgmental but you create a thread for the sole purpose (ostensibly) of finding an acceptable-to-you term for _their_ relationship, when 1\> their relationship is none of your business and 2\> there are perfectly obvious acceptable terms to describe their relationship. And then you insist that terms that imply the woman is a whore shouldn’t cause such offense. Because it’s TRUE, dammit! Long-distance relationships are not even that unusual, so I don’t know why you’re so put out about it. Why don’t they marry? How about “because they don’t want to”? ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2012, 12:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-call-the-woman-in-this-relationship/641391/50 "2012-11-19T12:02:50Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > Lady friend is probably what I would opt for. Ditto. Doesn’t carry the high-school connotations that go with ‘girlfriend’ and isn’t nearly as clunky as ‘significant other,’ a term I reach for only in desperation. But as others have said, SO or girlfriend would still be waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay preferable to ‘mistress,’ ‘concubine,’ ‘kept woman,’ and the like. There was a time when it was the norm for busybodies to apply such terms to indicate the degree and type of impropriety (by the standards of a less enlightened time) of a relationship considered to be improper. Most of us have, thank goodness, gotten beyond classifying relationships between adults as proper or improper. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2012, 12:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-call-the-woman-in-this-relationship/641391/51 "2012-11-19T12:35:52Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > She was furious after she looked it up. Was she furious about the term alone, or the fact that she had to look it up to become furious?😃 ---
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2012, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-call-the-woman-in-this-relationship/641391/52 "2012-11-19T12:50:41Z")
> [@AK84](#): > > I don’t know, I presume so. Most social functions where couples are invited they attend together and from what I can tell there is no one else. IMHO there isn’t really that great a word for this arrangement. I think that the concept of a non-judgmental view of unmarried but serious couples with children is too new for a good word to have been coined or come into universal usage. “Mistress”, “concubine” and “kept woman” all date from a time when such arrangements were frowned upon so all have negative connotations. “Partner” suffers from the problem that (particularly for you and I) people sometimes don’t know if you mean business partner or life partner. “Domestic partner” sounds like some sort of housekeeper-with-benefits. “SO” is in common parlance on these boards but I don’t really hear anyone use it in everyday life in Australia, dunno about in Pakistan, but I suspect the same there. “Girlfriend” to me sounds casual and juvenile, as I’ve said and not right for someone you support and have children with. I’d put “lady friend” in the same category, though not as juvenile. And “friend” is utterly ambiguous and doesn’t sufficiently honour the depth of what you describe. I think we can all agree that “bitch” is right out! “Baby-mama” is actually quite descriptive, potentially, but to me implies immaturity and that she is only good for babies and nothing else. “Spouse” to me implies actual marriage. “Living together” is common parlance at least in Australia, and I guess “living apart together” says it all, but it’s not common parlance to me. “Old lady” is pretty good, I think, as long as the people to whom you are speaking understand the sense in which it is said (and that you are not trying to be insulting). I just don’t think there is a perfectly non-judgmental, unambiguous, common parlance term that is completely descriptive. Maybe one will develop after another century of such relationships being common and not frowned upon. Finally, I don’t mean to junior mod overly, but some of you need to read \*\*AK84’s \*\*actual posts and chill. He’s just asking for an apt word. It’s what we do around here. You don’t have to go reading a whole load of garbage into what he is saying. He doesn’t need a reason to ask a question. This is the SDMB. Asking questions is what we do. He’s never said he’s heavily invested in the answer. He’s never said he thinks about this a lot. And if you want judgmental, stop accusing \*\*AK84 \*\*of being judgmental and go stand in front of a mirror. He is saying he wants a non-judgmental term and you rip him a new one for being judgmental. Wanting to be non-judgmental is his reason for asking the question. If we needed good solid reasons for asking questions around here, the new thread count would drop by 90%. \*\*AK84 \*\*can come across as a bit left field to US people but he’s Pakistani. Cut him some damn slack. This place would be hella boring if we were all whitebread middle of the road Westerners. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2012, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-call-the-woman-in-this-relationship/641391/53 "2012-11-19T14:57:52Z")
Off-topic slightly, would you call the fella “gentleman friend”? I’ve been looking for a word to call my SO, who is most certainly far more than a boyfriend, but not a husband. Gentleman friend does sound a bit archaic, but I don’t mind archaic, not if it’s poetical. It doesn’t flow like ladyfriend though. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2012, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-call-the-woman-in-this-relationship/641391/54 "2012-11-19T17:03:13Z")
Why are you guys insistent on the word “girlfriend”? When you use that term for someone who has children, it implies that those children aren’t theirs. I’m not sure “partner” works either, since the OP didn’t specify whether they consider themselves equals. Significant other is too clinical a word to use in normal conversation. Princhester is right: there’s no good term for it yet. Though I do wonder what SDMB he reads in his description of how this board usually works. This isn’t GQ. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2012, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-call-the-woman-in-this-relationship/641391/55 "2012-11-19T17:06:33Z")
> [@Princhester](#): > > He is saying he wants a non-judgmental term and you rip him a new one for being judgmental. …and he then proceeds to claim that referring to the woman as a concubine is perfectly okay (and apparently has done so in public IRL – how else would he get the reactions he said he got?); and as several people have pointed out, he does not seem to have similar investment in finding a term for the man in this relationship. So: we have him referring to the woman as essentially a whore, doesn’t care what the man is called, but is all :dubious: why the guy doesn’t just marry her already (noting that this phrasing also implies that the woman doesn’t get a say in this and the guy can or should marry her with or without her consent). I’m sticking with “he’s judgmental.” I’d throw in a bit of “sexist” in there too. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2012, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-call-the-woman-in-this-relationship/641391/56 "2012-11-19T17:12:53Z")
I think “girlfriend/boyfriend” are perfectly fine. It’s been some time since it was the norm for people to marry right out of high school, so yes, GFs/BFs are often/usually older and perhaps more committed these days than the 1950s teenaged couples. I don’t think it sounds weird… the meaning has evolved over time to account for a changing society. FWIW I do use SO (pronounced ESSo) in verbal conversation as well. Welcome to the culture of the Internets. ---
**Author:** ![Hershele\_Ostropoler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e47c2d/32.png) [@Hershele\_Ostropoler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hershele_Ostropoler)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2012, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-call-the-woman-in-this-relationship/641391/57 "2012-11-19T18:23:09Z")
I’m not sure why people find “girlfriend” so objectionable, unless, again, it’s the lack of judgement. I’m 34 and I say it; my, yes, girlfriend is older and she calls me her boyfriend. ---
**Author:** ![Myrnalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c4cdca/32.png) [@Myrnalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Myrnalene)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2012, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-call-the-woman-in-this-relationship/641391/58 "2012-11-19T18:33:32Z")
> [@Princhester](#): > > Finally, I don’t mean to junior mod overly, but some of you need to read \*\*AK84’s \*\*actual posts and chill. He’s just asking for an apt word. It’s what we do around here. You don’t have to go reading a whole load of garbage into what he is saying. He doesn’t need a reason to ask a question. This is the SDMB. Asking questions is what we do. He’s never said he’s heavily invested in the answer. He’s never said he thinks about this a lot. And if you want judgmental, stop accusing \*\*AK84 \*\*of being judgmental and go stand in front of a mirror. He is saying he wants a non-judgmental term and you rip him a new one for being judgmental. Wanting to be non-judgmental is his reason for asking the question. He doesn’t need _any_ term to describe a relationship between two people that has absolutely nothing to do with him. However, if he simply must categorize their relationship, he can use one of the several terms he’s rejected for not sufficiently conveying what giant ho he thinks this woman is. He prefers “concubine” and “kept woman” to “girlfriend” and “significant other” and you think there’s no judgement there? > [@BigT](#): > > Why are you guys insistent on the word “girlfriend”? When you use that term for someone who has children, it implies that those children aren’t theirs. …no, it doesn’t. ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2012, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-call-the-woman-in-this-relationship/641391/59 "2012-11-19T18:37:52Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > Lady friend is probably what I would opt for. This. And ‘girlfriend-boyfriend’ are not juvenile terms, as it apparantly seems awkward to use ‘lady friend’ and ‘man friend’. When someone says girlfriend or boyfriend, it’s obvious what it means, so it works. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2012, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-call-the-woman-in-this-relationship/641391/60 "2012-11-19T18:58:42Z")
I am 54. The younger woman (53) I’ve lived with the past. . .10 years I guess, I call my gf and she calls me her bf. We plan on living out our lives together. I may give “concubine” a whirl, though. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-call-the-woman-in-this-relationship/641391.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-call-the-woman-in-this-relationship/641391.md?page=4)