# What would you do about a car pool mate who was constantly 3 to 8 minutes late? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 29, 2012, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-about-a-car-pool-mate-who-was-constantly-3-to-8-minutes-late/642436 "2012-11-29T03:08:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-about-a-car-pool-mate-who-was-constantly-3-to-8-minutes-late/642436/141 "2013-01-07T14:19:22Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > He arrived 15 seconds after me today. Dude must love his dog. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-about-a-car-pool-mate-who-was-constantly-3-to-8-minutes-late/642436/142 "2013-01-07T14:59:36Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Dude must love his dog. I don’t have a clue what this means. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-about-a-car-pool-mate-who-was-constantly-3-to-8-minutes-late/642436/143 "2013-01-07T15:22:28Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > I don’t have a clue what this means. See post 134 ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-about-a-car-pool-mate-who-was-constantly-3-to-8-minutes-late/642436/144 "2013-01-07T15:23:30Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > I don’t have a clue what this means. Sorry, I assumed you took my advice upthread: > [@kayaker](#): > > Is there a family dog? “Dude, next time your late I’m killing your fucking dog”. > > (If they have a cat, subsititute “cat” for “dog”.) > > Oh, and you’re kinda obligated to follow through. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Zuzu\_s\_Petals](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e19b73/32.png) [@Zuzu\_s\_Petals](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zuzu_s_Petals)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-about-a-car-pool-mate-who-was-constantly-3-to-8-minutes-late/642436/145 "2013-01-07T15:23:38Z")
> [@Obsidian](#): > > For myself, it’s because I notice something and become distracted. I forget whatever I was supposed to be doing and focus on the distraction. I also actually don’t know how long each morning task takes, despite having done it a thousand times. My impression tends to be off. For example, off the top of my head, I think it takes 5 minutes to drive from my house to the train station. Checking my phone, I see it’s 7-10 minutes depending on lights. (This is why I rely on math and alarms, and not my internal clock) > > As I said, I have an alarm for anything important (I use the calendar & reminders apps on my iPhone for this). I don’t put every morning task on one, but I do my getting ready tasks in a specific order, so if I do get distracted the important ones are more likely to be done. So I always get the dog out (which is first). I only get my hair actually styled once a week or so, since it’s last. Sometimes I’ll forget one of the ones in the middle, for whatever reasons, so I keep a full set of toiletries in my office just in case. > > It’s very hard to grasp for someone who’s brain doesn’t work like that. Some people will chose not to believe me, and that’s fine. And yes, I realize discussing it in the context of punctuality makes me sound dysfunctional, but it has it’s upsides. I have a highly creative job which I could never do if I wasn’t prone to mental wandering. I could have written this post word for word, including the part about the creative job. I do tend to be on time for things (mostly), but only because I know myself and start getting ready for things WAY in advance. Are other people who work in creative fields like this too? ---
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-about-a-car-pool-mate-who-was-constantly-3-to-8-minutes-late/642436/146 "2013-01-07T15:33:50Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > He arrived 15 seconds after me today. Well, there is your thing. You need to make sure you have an 8:15 meeting every morning. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-about-a-car-pool-mate-who-was-constantly-3-to-8-minutes-late/642436/147 "2013-01-07T15:47:14Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Sorry, I assumed you took my advice upthread: > 😃 Sorry. I’m sleep deprived today! ---
**Author:** ![zweisamkeit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zweisamkeit/32/4360_2.png) [@zweisamkeit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zweisamkeit)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-about-a-car-pool-mate-who-was-constantly-3-to-8-minutes-late/642436/148 "2013-01-07T19:54:29Z")
**Brainstall** and **Obsidian** , what you wrote is very familiar to me. I would bet there’s a great chance youse guys have ADHD (ADD is now grouped within the larger ADHD umbrella). If you don’t have an ADHD brain, it’s hard to understand _why_ it’s not easy to just estimate time better/don’t do unnecessary tasks/get distracted. And yes, [there are _actual_ structural and functional differences in the brains of people with ADHD](http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/564917). However! \*\*This doesn’t mean anyone with ADHD should feel they get to use that as a “free pass”. You need to find strategies that work with your brain. \*\* My husband has been a great help, because if I get off track (getting ready to go, telling a story, getting a task done, etc.), he’ll gently steer me back by saying things like, “it’s ok to stop that task and finish it when you get back”, “you’re starting to ramble”, etc. The key is that we’ve discussed this and so his tone of voice and intent is NOT frustrated, chiding or annoyed but instead a casual heads up. So I’m working on doing that myself. I’ll mentally pause and ask myself if this is on-task. If it’s not, I’ll remind myself reasons why I need to stop it. The internal dialog is key, because it really reinforces the idea in my head. > [@Leaffan](#): > > OK. I’ll get right on that. I’ll sit him down and explain to him (with one eye twitching) why I am upset with his constant 3 to 8 minute late times. Yup. That’s what I’m going to do. > > Anyway, I have mentioned it and he sloughs it off. I’m almost tempted to be a few minutes late tomorrow morning and act as if everything’s OK and normal. > > I’ll send him a text message at 6:20 saying “2 mins” and then arrive at 6:28 like he’s been doing to me. You act like it’s absurd to actually TELL HIM THERE IS A PROBLEM. What the fuck is that? Gee, let’s see: you can either fume and seethe about how he SHOULD know this and SHOULD change… Without wven knowing if he’s even aware of it. Or you can clearly but calmly state the issue and discuss solutions like adults. Honestly, you describe yourself as a mature adult, but your actions say otherwise. A mature adult doesn’t choose passive aggressive actions that not only fail to do anything productive to fix the problem but also near-guarantees your aggravation will continue. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-about-a-car-pool-mate-who-was-constantly-3-to-8-minutes-late/642436/149 "2013-01-07T20:38:29Z")
> [@zweisamkeit](#): > > Honestly, you describe yourself as a mature adult, but your actions say otherwise. A mature adult doesn’t choose passive aggressive actions that not only fail to do anything productive to fix the problem but also near-guarantees your aggravation will continue. I have, since starting this thread, mentioned it to him and he still does it. Except for today when HE had to be in on time. I really can’t expect him to change at this point. ---
**Author:** ![Sevencl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d9b06d/32.png) [@Sevencl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sevencl)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-about-a-car-pool-mate-who-was-constantly-3-to-8-minutes-late/642436/150 "2013-01-07T20:45:10Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > I have, since starting this thread, mentioned it to him and he still does it. Except for today when HE had to be in on time. I really can’t expect him to change at this point. Even if you couldn’t expect him to change (though I can’t imagine why not), you don’t have to wait or pick him up at all. You’re not his chauffeur, don’t let him treat you like one. ---
**Author:** ![Bass\_Chick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/43a26b/32.png) [@Bass\_Chick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bass_Chick)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-about-a-car-pool-mate-who-was-constantly-3-to-8-minutes-late/642436/151 "2013-01-07T21:36:41Z")
> [@Obsidian](#): > > For myself, it’s because I notice something and become distracted. I forget whatever I was supposed to be doing and focus on the distraction. I also actually don’t know how long each morning task takes, despite having done it a thousand times. My impression tends to be off. For example, off the top of my head, I think it takes 5 minutes to drive from my house to the train station. Checking my phone, I see it’s 7-10 minutes depending on lights. (This is why I rely on math and alarms, and not my internal clock) > > As I said, I have an alarm for anything important (I use the calendar & reminders apps on my iPhone for this). I don’t put every morning task on one, but I do my getting ready tasks in a specific order, so if I do get distracted the important ones are more likely to be done. So I always get the dog out (which is first). I only get my hair actually styled once a week or so, since it’s last. Sometimes I’ll forget one of the ones in the middle, for whatever reasons, so I keep a full set of toiletries in my office just in case. > > It’s very hard to grasp for someone who’s brain doesn’t work like that. Some people will chose not to believe me, and that’s fine. And yes, I realize discussing it in the context of punctuality makes me sound dysfunctional, but it has it’s upsides. I have a highly creative job which I could never do if I wasn’t prone to mental wandering. What you describe sounds a lot like adult ADD. ---
**Author:** ![Apocalypso](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Apocalypso](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Apocalypso)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-about-a-car-pool-mate-who-was-constantly-3-to-8-minutes-late/642436/152 "2013-01-07T21:41:05Z")
Tell him you have something to do before work and will be picking him up at 6:20 SHARP. Then show up at 6:30 as usual. Problem solved! ---
**Author:** ![Red\_Barchetta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/da6949/32.png) [@Red\_Barchetta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Red_Barchetta)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-about-a-car-pool-mate-who-was-constantly-3-to-8-minutes-late/642436/153 "2013-01-07T21:48:14Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > I have, since starting this thread, mentioned it to him and he still does it. Except for today when HE had to be in on time. I really can’t expect him to change at this point. Why can’t you just leave at the designated time? He’ll get the hint real fast. ---
**Author:** ![half-elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@half-elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/half-elf)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-about-a-car-pool-mate-who-was-constantly-3-to-8-minutes-late/642436/154 "2013-01-07T22:03:48Z")
Wouldn’t this (him needing to get there at or before a specific time) be an excellent opportunity to make him see your point of view? As in " you know the anxiety you felt at the thought you would be late for (whatever it was he had to do)?" Well that is how I feel each and every day because of your lateness. I would like you to articulate what your feelings would have been, had I agreed to the earlier pick-up to get you to work for (whatever it was) and then shown up x minutes late, causing you to be late. \*That \*is how I feel every day." Did you not do this?? ---
**Author:** ![GargoyleWB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gargoylewb/32/199_2.png) [@GargoyleWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GargoyleWB)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-about-a-car-pool-mate-who-was-constantly-3-to-8-minutes-late/642436/155 "2013-01-07T22:09:21Z")
> [@echo7tango](#): > > **Leaffan** , I still vote for tough love. Draw a line in the sand, anywhere, be it 6:30 or 6:20 or what have you… We had a 3-4 person carpool with a chronic late person. She was simply always 5-10 minutes later than the drop-dead leave time, no matter what. And always because of “traffic”. Tough love did not work, unfortunately, because we all worked at the same place, and she knew any earlier time was abusable. The final straw was when we collectively confronted her and made a firm leave time, which she was immediately late to, and showed up to us having already left 🙂 She instead pulled a “special needs” trick, saying that by living the farthest from the carpool pickup point, she was most prone to traffic delays, and should have a special exception made (every day!) for her. The exception being we wait for “as long as it takes”. The solution was ditching the carpool. The extra monthly gas was worth the spared daily aggravation. ---
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-about-a-car-pool-mate-who-was-constantly-3-to-8-minutes-late/642436/156 "2013-01-07T22:15:42Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > I have, since starting this thread, mentioned it to him and he still does it. And what consequences have you enforced for his continued failure to arrive at the agreed-upon time? ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2013, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-about-a-car-pool-mate-who-was-constantly-3-to-8-minutes-late/642436/157 "2013-01-08T01:26:28Z")
> [@Machine\_Elf](#): > > And what consequences have you enforced for his continued failure to arrive at the agreed-upon time? None. See, the thing is it’s a hundred mile drive. I kind of like saving money and wear and tear. I’m resigned to the fact now that this guy just can’t be on time. Although he was today when it mattered to him, so maybe, just maybe he’ll learn from this. Let me get back to all of you in a few days to update you with the latest. Cheers. ---
**Author:** ![SeaDragonTattoo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df705f/32.png) [@SeaDragonTattoo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SeaDragonTattoo)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2013, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-about-a-car-pool-mate-who-was-constantly-3-to-8-minutes-late/642436/158 "2013-01-08T05:25:31Z")
I hope he does, **Leaffan**. Or if he doesn’t, that you are less hesitant about harping on it. Maybe he’ll start being on time just to shut you up! Any chance you can conspire with the people he had that “must be on time” meeting with, maybe they can make that meeting at least weekly or come up with another reason to inspire timeliness into him more often? Maybe start cruising his desk after his arrival and mentioning they noticed he wasn’t there yet when he was supposed to be and they really needed to talk to him about something? ---
**Author:** ![Obsidian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/51bf81/32.png) [@Obsidian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Obsidian)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2013, 7:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-about-a-car-pool-mate-who-was-constantly-3-to-8-minutes-late/642436/159 "2013-01-08T07:23:25Z")
> [@Zuzu\_s\_Petals](#): > > I could have written this post word for word, including the part about the creative job. I do tend to be on time for things (mostly), but only because I know myself and start getting ready for things WAY in advance. > > Are other people who work in creative fields like this too? There are probably people who can turn the wandering mind on and off at will, and I envy them, but I can’t imagine how one could do my job without it. Though it could be a little chicken-and-egg. Creative fields are much more tolerant of that sort of behavior/personality, so they probably attract it. To those who mentioned it, a resounding yes on the ADD. Today, btw, I missed my train. My reminder beeped and I noticed as I picked up my keys that I’d forgotten to put my wedding ring on after showering. I went back to my bedroom to “just grab it quickly”, then I knocked something off my nightstand, which I of course _had_ to pick up, and then I saw the laptop power brick behind the bed was somehow stuck between the mattress and box spring, and I thought that might be a fire hazard, so I had to pull it out, which involved moving the bed a little, and then I had to move the laundry basket at the foot because the cats might climb into. . . oh, hey, did I remember to let them out of the back room this morning?. . . their water fountain is making a funny noise, I should ask my husband to look at it tonight. I’ll pull out my phone and send him a text. Whoa. How is it 8:26? I can’t do _anything_ after the alarm beeps but get in my car. . . or else that happens. ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Imp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2013, 9:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-about-a-car-pool-mate-who-was-constantly-3-to-8-minutes-late/642436/160 "2013-01-08T09:03:08Z")
> [@GargoyleWB](#): > > We had a 3-4 person carpool with a chronic late person. She was simply always 5-10 minutes later than the drop-dead leave time, no matter what. And always because of “traffic”. Tough love did not work, unfortunately, because we all worked at the same place, and she knew any earlier time was abusable. > > The final straw was when we collectively confronted her and made a firm leave time, which she was immediately late to, and showed up to us having already left 🙂 > > She instead pulled a “special needs” trick, saying that by living the farthest from the carpool pickup point, she was most prone to traffic delays, and should have a special exception made (every day!) for her. The exception being we wait for “as long as it takes”. > > The solution was ditching the carpool. The extra monthly gas was worth the spared daily aggravation. Why didn’t you just ditch her and the rest of you still carpool? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-about-a-car-pool-mate-who-was-constantly-3-to-8-minutes-late/642436.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-about-a-car-pool-mate-who-was-constantly-3-to-8-minutes-late/642436.md?page=9)