# What would you do as mayor of your city? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 6, 2006, 6:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-as-mayor-of-your-city/383040 "2006-12-06T06:33:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2006, 6:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-as-mayor-of-your-city/383040/1 "2006-12-06T06:33:11Z")
Let’s say that, in whatever municipality you happen to call home, there is a particularly contentious election for mayor going on. None of the dozen declared candidates has anything close to the support necesary to win the election without a run-off. But, a week before the election, you happen to get interviewed by a television news whore for a person-in-the-street piece, and you’re so amazingly erudite, witty, knowledgeable, and charming that a groundswell of support arises around you, and you’re swept into office as a write-in. What would you do to make your city better? ---
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2006, 6:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-as-mayor-of-your-city/383040/2 "2006-12-06T06:59:58Z")
I could win easily with the following three promises: 1. Promise to install the city’s second stop-light. (We need one at the intersection where the drugstore is located.) 2. Promise to make the convenience store stay open until 10:00 PM, or revoke their business license. 3. Promise to get the Christmas decorations down from the courthouse before July 4th. I’d be in like Flynn. ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2006, 7:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-as-mayor-of-your-city/383040/3 "2006-12-06T07:57:29Z")
I would declare Louisville a country-music-free zone. ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2006, 8:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-as-mayor-of-your-city/383040/4 "2006-12-06T08:51:23Z")
I _am_ mayor of my city! And by “mayor” I mean “Supreme Overlord” and by “city” I mean “studio apartment”. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2006, 9:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-as-mayor-of-your-city/383040/5 "2006-12-06T09:41:57Z")
I’d build a subway system, damn it. (Tel Aviv municipalities have been promising us one for years, and they’ve yet to dig a single tunnel). ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2006, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-as-mayor-of-your-city/383040/6 "2006-12-06T13:21:55Z")
[QUOTE=John Carter of Mars] I could win easily with the following three promises: 1. Promise to install the city’s second stop-light. (We need one at the intersection where the drugstore is located.) 2. Promise to make the convenience store stay open until 10:00 PM, or revoke their business license. 3. Promise to get the Christmas decorations down from the courthouse before July 4th. I’d be in like Flynn. [/QUOTE] That’s, er, interesting. Only thing is, the question wasn’t “How would you go about being elected mayor of your city?” It was “What would you doonce elected mayor?” ---
**Author:** ![An\_Arky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/87869e/32.png) [@An\_Arky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/An_Arky)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2006, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-as-mayor-of-your-city/383040/7 "2006-12-06T13:32:17Z")
1. Public beheadings of people who knock down old houses and old trees to put up McMansions. 2. Put a moratorium on speed traps and reassign police to actual crime problem areas. 3.Remove all speed bumps on public roads. 1. Ban any attempt to widen I-66 inside the city limits. Use landmines if necessary. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2006, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-as-mayor-of-your-city/383040/8 "2006-12-06T13:39:33Z")
[QUOTE=Skald the Rhymer] That’s, er, interesting. Only thing is, the question wasn’t “How would you go about being elected mayor of your city?” It was “What would you doonce elected mayor?” [/QUOTE] Oh, how terribly, terribly careless of me! Apologies all over the place. What would I do once elected? Why, in the finest tradition of politicians, I’d do as little as possible. I’d cash my $250 check every month and use the money to increase my personal supply of whiskey and cigarettes. ---
**Author:** ![Missy2U](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3bc359/32.png) [@Missy2U](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Missy2U)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2006, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-as-mayor-of-your-city/383040/9 "2006-12-06T13:44:17Z")
John, on that basis, I’D vote for you. Can I be second in command? Please please please? ---
**Author:** ![interface2x](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c0e974/32.png) [@interface2x](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/interface2x)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2006, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-as-mayor-of-your-city/383040/10 "2006-12-06T13:47:10Z")
“Aye, if elected mayor, my first act will be to kill the whole lot of ya, and burn ya town ta cinders!” ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2006, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-as-mayor-of-your-city/383040/11 "2006-12-06T13:51:20Z")
Figure out where all the tax revenue we should have (from the stores and malls along US 1) is going and stop the non-essentials, then kick the businesses not kicking in their shares to ante up. Then I’d see that the Essex St. fire station stayed open, build a new one on the other side of US 1, rebuild the schools, and pay the teachers a decent salary. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2006, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-as-mayor-of-your-city/383040/12 "2006-12-06T14:08:44Z")
[QUOTE=Missy2U] John, on that basis, I’D vote for you. Can I be second in command? Please please please? [/QUOTE] Most certainly! Having a Doperette as Vice-Mayor would be cool beyond reckoning. Imagine: A vice-mayor one could actually share vices with. This mayor idea is sounding better and better. ---
**Author:** ![ralph124c](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8797f3/32.png) [@ralph124c](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ralph124c)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2006, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-as-mayor-of-your-city/383040/13 "2006-12-06T15:01:55Z")
If I were mayor, I’d have the cops roust all the bums/winos , and run them out of town! ---
**Author:** ![flurb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/51bf81/32.png) [@flurb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flurb)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2006, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-as-mayor-of-your-city/383040/14 "2006-12-06T15:12:46Z")
It’s kind of amusing how these kinds of threads always immediately morph from, “If you were mayor of your town” into “If you were the omnipotent dictator of your town.” Where are these cities where the Mayor can unilaterally restructure police forces, undertake major public works, rewrite tax codes and overhaul the budget? ---
**Author:** ![Cluricaun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bb73d2/32.png) [@Cluricaun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cluricaun)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2006, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-as-mayor-of-your-city/383040/15 "2006-12-06T15:26:45Z")
[ol] [li]Liquor licenses will be handed out like candy at a parade[/li][li]“Blue Laws” to be replaced with “Black Laws” that penalize anyone not selling beer by at least 8:00am on Sundays[/li][li]5% Food and Beverage Tax to be paid directly to the office of the mayor[/li][li]Anyone with a stone goose or deer made from grapevine in their yards will be fined $100,000.00 per incident[/li][li]Town name changed to “Xyzzy”[/li][li]Huge gold Cecil Adams statue to be built in center of town, regardless if something else is already there[/li][li]Run Walmart out of town[/li][/ol] ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2006, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-as-mayor-of-your-city/383040/16 "2006-12-06T16:02:39Z")
> [@](#): > > rewrite tax codes In my case, I don’t want to rewrite it – I just want to see the existing ones enforced. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2006, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-as-mayor-of-your-city/383040/17 "2006-12-06T16:16:07Z")
I’d seek the mandate from voters who’ve searched their souls and acknowledged the disparity between our desire as a comfy middle class for handy bank branches, restaurants, grocery stores, etc. and how we’ve zoned-restricted affordable home-ownership away from for the people who work in these places. My only problem, of course, is that the mandate is more of the “fuck 'em - let them live in apartments in the next county and take the bus” nature. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2006, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-as-mayor-of-your-city/383040/18 "2006-12-06T16:50:01Z")
[QUOTE=flurb] It’s kind of amusing how these kinds of threads always immediately morph from, “If you were mayor of your town” into “If you were the omnipotent dictator of your town.” [/quote] I was afraid that was coming. I started to put “No jokes, please,” in the OP, but upon reflection decided it was all but pointless. ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2006, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-as-mayor-of-your-city/383040/19 "2006-12-06T17:57:15Z")
First thing I’d do is to get a long coat with the letters “May.” on the back of it. In reality, I’d hold the authorities more accountable (I’m talkin’ to you, city council and police), introduce tax credits for solar power, work on upgrading and making current the city’s internet service, buy the power lines, drum up regional support for mass transit, see if I can’t figure a way to improve the quality of education by using extra funds gleaned from upgrading and implementation of citywide internet service, and nail LOTS of strippers. ---
**Author:** ![Li\_l\_Pluck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ee59a6/32.png) [@Li\_l\_Pluck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Li_l_Pluck)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2006, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-as-mayor-of-your-city/383040/20 "2006-12-06T18:06:56Z")
[QUOTE=John Carter of Mars] Most certainly! Having a Doperette as Vice-Mayor would be cool beyond reckoning. Imagine: A vice-mayor one could actually share vices with. This mayor idea is sounding better and better. [/QUOTE] ::Throws hat in ring for a cabinet position, dammit!:: (Though a similar position in **Cluricaun** -ville would prove acceptable.) 😃 Humble apologies to **Skald the Rhymer**. But, hey, \*\*John Carter of Mars \*\* started it! 😉 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-as-mayor-of-your-city/383040.md?page=2)