# What would you do? New Marriage Situation **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 29, 2012, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473 "2012-11-29T16:10:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2012, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/1 "2012-11-29T16:10:08Z")
One of my student workers is getting married. They are having in their words “a small, quiet wedding”. They are getting married at the courthouse. There is a lot of speculation that this is a green card marriage. On the other hand, knowing the student as I do and knowing her intended somewhat, I know they are university student/under employed recent graduate poor and plan to use what spare money they have to visit the bride’s family in Mexico, so while the courthouse and no reception here might seem sterile, it could be a financially prudent decision. Knowing that both parties are cash strapped, part of me wants to give them some gift cards or just cash as a wishing you a happy marriage gift. What would you do? ---
**Author:** ![robert\_columbia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e79b87/32.png) [@robert\_columbia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robert_columbia)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2012, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/2 "2012-11-29T16:14:14Z")
Do you know if she is pregnant? ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2012, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/3 "2012-11-29T16:15:50Z")
Just say “Congratulations”. Doesn’t sound like you are invited to the wedding, so why would you give a gift at all? You aren’t a friend or family. If you think she deserves a raise, now might be the time to give it to her, I suppose. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2012, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/4 "2012-11-29T16:16:22Z")
> [@robert\_columbia](#): > > Do you know if she is pregnant? no ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2012, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/5 "2012-11-29T16:18:26Z")
> [@CarnalK](#): > > Just say “Congratulations”. Doesn’t sound like you are invited to the wedding, so why would you give a gift at all? You aren’t a friend or family. If you think she deserves a raise, now might be the time to give it to her, I suppose. They are nice young adults. If this is a real marriage, I would like to give them something to help start out together. And while we are not ernstwhile companions for life, I do know them socially. ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2012, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/6 "2012-11-29T16:26:13Z")
OK, you know her socially, but do you actually consider yourself friends with your student employee? Personally, I don’t think it’s a big deal either way. If you give her a gift, I’m sure they’ll consider it nice but I doubt they expect it. ---
**Author:** ![Ravenman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ravenman/32/2929_2.png) [@Ravenman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ravenman)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2012, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/7 "2012-11-29T16:39:33Z")
There’s nothing wrong with giving newlyweds a gift, even if you aren’t invited to their wedding. I say go for it, give them some cash and wish them well, and don’t even make any hint of your concern for their financial situation. They’ll probably be very touched that you thought to give them a gift. ---
**Author:** ![Palo\_Verde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/65b543/32.png) [@Palo\_Verde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Palo_Verde)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2012, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/8 "2012-11-29T16:46:19Z")
A gift card is always helpful. It can either be totally practical (Home Depot or Target) or more personal (camping supply store if they love to camp). ---
**Author:** ![Missy2U](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3bc359/32.png) [@Missy2U](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Missy2U)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2012, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/9 "2012-11-29T16:57:16Z")
> [@Ravenman](#): > > There’s nothing wrong with giving newlyweds a gift, even if you aren’t invited to their wedding. I say go for it, give them some cash and wish them well, and don’t even make any hint of your concern for their financial situation. They’ll probably be very touched that you thought to give them a gift. Thanks for saving me the trouble of typing it. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2012, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/10 "2012-11-29T18:14:17Z")
I think you should trust your own instincts and familiarity with them and not be swayed by the speculation of others. If they’re friends and embarking on a mutual journey, a gift would always be very much appreciated. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2012, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/11 "2012-11-29T18:37:20Z")
I’d go with a giftcard. But if you do an eating place gift card one make sure its enough for two good meals, drinks, and a tip at that place. Its kinda of pain to have to spend 20 to use a “free” 50 when you don’t have much money to spare. A nice card, a gift card, and perhaps a bottle of wine (or something edible treat you know they would like) seems perfectly reasonable to me. ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2012, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/12 "2012-11-29T18:38:28Z")
Give them a present if you like them that much. If not, don’t. Their motivations for getting married are none of your business and irrelevant. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2012, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/13 "2012-11-29T19:17:39Z")
A card with cash in it is a perfectly acceptable wedding gift. ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2012, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/14 "2012-11-29T19:30:15Z")
> [@Ravenman](#): > > There’s nothing wrong with giving newlyweds a gift, even if you aren’t invited to their wedding. I say go for it, give them some cash and wish them well, and don’t even make any hint of your concern for their financial situation. They’ll probably be very touched that you thought to give them a gift. This thing here. > [@Smeghead](#): > > Give them a present if you like them that much. If not, don’t. Their motivations for getting married are none of your business and irrelevant. And also this one. Keep in mind as the elder person you’re setting an example they’ll follow whether they’re mindful of it or not. One caveat - don’t give them a gift if you can’t afford it. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2012, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/15 "2012-11-29T19:39:16Z")
Give a card with cash in it. Wish them well. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2012, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/16 "2012-11-29T20:37:28Z")
> [@Ravenman](#): > > There’s nothing wrong with giving newlyweds a gift, even if you aren’t invited to their wedding. I say go for it, give them some cash and wish them well, and don’t even make any hint of your concern for their financial situation. They’ll probably be very touched that you thought to give them a gift. Yes. If you are not invited to the wedding there is no social pressure or obligation to give anything but it is a nice gesture if you are close to one or both. ---
**Author:** ![akeimi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f0a364/32.png) [@akeimi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/akeimi)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2012, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/17 "2012-11-30T00:26:22Z")
I think it’s an accepted practice (i.e. not weird at all) to give coworkers a small wedding gift without the expectation of being invited to their wedding. At my husband’s job, when someone gets married everyone puts in $20 or so and get a gift card for the couple, from the department as a whole. Since she’s your student worker and not just a student, I think this is completely appropriate. If you’re worried about being perceived as fishing for an invite, just give it to her the last time you see her before the wedding. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2012, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/18 "2012-11-30T01:18:55Z")
The details of the ceremony, their financial situation, their honeymoon plans, etc. aren’t really important. What matters here is: A: Were you invited to the wedding? B: Are you close to the couple? If you were invited to the wedding, be it a posh spectacle or a drive through chapel, you should give a gift. If you are not invited to the wedding, but are otherwise close to the couple, you have the option of giving them a gift. That’s all you need to know. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2012, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/19 "2012-11-30T04:24:27Z")
Moved from MPSIMS to our advice forum, IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![InternetLegend](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/internetlegend/32/13154_2.png) [@InternetLegend](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InternetLegend)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2012, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/20 "2012-11-30T04:30:37Z")
Weddings are the one occasion on which it’s not at all crass or in bad taste to give cold cash as a gift. The older I get, the more likely I am to give at least a little bit to any newlywed couple whose full names I know. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473.md?page=2)