# What would you do? New Marriage Situation **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 29, 2012, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473 "2012-11-29T16:10:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![zoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zoid/32/336_2.png) [@zoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoid)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2012, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/21 "2012-11-30T04:43:09Z")
> [@Rachellelogram](#): > > A card with cash in it is a perfectly acceptable wedding gift. This. They even make cards intentionally designed to carry cash. ---
**Author:** ![PandaBear77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@PandaBear77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PandaBear77)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2012, 10:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/22 "2012-11-30T10:52:08Z")
No-brainer. Cash. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2012, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/23 "2012-11-30T16:36:46Z")
> [@Smeghead](#): > > Give them a present if you like them that much. If not, don’t. Their motivations for getting married are none of your business and irrelevant. I disagree. If these kids are legitimately getting married (i.e., they actually intend to be a couple and spend their lives together), I think that’s a situation that should be celebrated with congratulations, good wishes, and a nice gift (gift card or cash) and I would be more than willing to pass the envelope around the office and take care of everything. If they are just doing this to get the young woman American citizenship and plan on divorcing in 2 years, that’s a different situation. And while I (really we because it will come down to the department) will probably give her a gift card or cash, it will be a token gift for a much smaller amount. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2012, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/24 "2012-11-30T16:40:56Z")
How are you planning on determining which kind of marriage it is? If you want to give them money, give them money. If you don’t, don’t. No one on here is going to be able to reassure you about your (weird to me) concern about the legitimacy of their marriage. What do you hope people will say? “Oh, I totally believe it’s a sham marriage!”? ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2012, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/25 "2012-11-30T17:11:39Z")
\*I think you should hire a private investigator that specializes in immigration cases and have him determine exactly what is going on here! Also, if you can get copies of emails from them to each other and their families, that would help you judge whether you should endorse the marriage or just blow the whistle on these freeloaders. We don’t need any more green card marriages! \* Okay. Just kidding. Really. 🙂 I had fun writing that out. A gift BY DEFINITION has no strings (except on the box). If you like them and wish them well, give them something, Cash is the best thing as it is never the wrong size/color and goes with everything. It’s none of your business (or concern, thank goodness) what their back story is. Give with an open heart and don’t worry about it. ---
**Author:** ![Eureka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/74df32/32.png) [@Eureka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eureka)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2012, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/26 "2012-11-30T17:21:51Z")
I sympathize with the desire to give less cash for a green card marriage than for one embarked upon with hope for a longterm future. However, how do you expect to determine the answer? Asking bluntly is rude–and pretty likely not to get you an honest answer if the honest answer is green card. And I’ve known more than one couple who got married filled with hope, and discovered that pre-existing issues were bigger concerns than they’d thought–and when coupled with money issues, they just didn’t make it more than a year. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2012, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/27 "2012-11-30T18:18:16Z")
> [@Eureka](#): > > I sympathize with the desire to give less cash for a green card marriage than for one embarked upon with hope for a longterm future. > > However, how do you expect to determine the answer? Asking bluntly is rude–and pretty likely not to get you an honest answer if the honest answer is green card. > > And I’ve known more than one couple who got married filled with hope, and discovered that pre-existing issues were bigger concerns than they’d thought–and when coupled with money issues, they just didn’t make it more than a year. Mostly, I came here looking for some support (i.e., tell me I don’t have on rose-colored glasses on in this situation) for my belief that the couple is doing this (court house and no reception other than whatever they are doing with the bride’s family in Mexico) primarily for financial reasons (i.e., they are dead broke); then the contentions of many of my colleagues that they are trying to scam immigration. Actually, I think the truth is probably a mixture of both: they probably planned to get married later when they could afford something nice, but if they do it now there are immigration advantages not to mention they’ll save some money on expenses. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2012, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/28 "2012-11-30T18:25:10Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Mostly, I came here looking for some support (i.e., tell me I don’t have on rose-colored glasses on in this situation) for my belief that the couple is doing this (court house and no reception other than whatever they are doing with the bride’s family in Mexico) primarily for financial reasons (i.e., they are dead broke); then the contentions of many of my colleagues that they are trying to scam immigration. Actually, I think the truth is probably a mixture of both: they probably planned to get married later when they could afford something nice, but if they do it now there are immigration advantages not to mention they’ll save some money on expenses. The reason that folks say it’s none of your business why they’re getting married is because it isn’t. I mean, sure, if such information falls into your lap, then it’s your business. But they’re not telling you why they’re getting married, and you have no social or moral right to go poking around to find out why they’re getting married. So, since it’s none of your business why they’re getting married, you’ve got a mystery. You don’t know what kind of marriage it is, you’re not gonna find out. Give a gift for THAT situation, not for the green card situation or the marriage-of-love situation. Personally I do things for myself. I’d feel better about myself if I assumed it was a legit marriage and was wrong than if I assumed it was a sham and was wrong, so that’s what I’d do. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2012, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/29 "2012-11-30T18:26:24Z")
Lots of couples (like my parents marriage and my marriage) have cheap courthouse weddings just because they don’t want a big celebration. They might prefer a private affair, or see it as a waste of money, or just don’t care about the ceremonial aspect of it. Without more information, it’s impossible to make a judgment as to whether the marriage is intended to be legitimate- so my advice is to err on the side of generosity. If they don’t really consider you a friend (perhaps just a friendly co-worker), then an extravagent gift is likely to make them feel awkward. How about a gift certificate to Target or something? ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2012, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/30 "2012-11-30T18:51:46Z")
> [@iiandyiiii](#): > > Lots of couples (like my parents marriage and my marriage) have cheap courthouse weddings just because they don’t want a big celebration. They might prefer a private affair, or see it as a waste of money, or just don’t care about the ceremonial aspect of it. Thank you, that’s exactly the kind of thing I wanted to hear about. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2012, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/31 "2012-11-30T20:02:04Z")
I’m not certain, and I’m sure that we’ve got some local immigration guru’s that can answer this question, but the TV/movie trope of the green card marriage to avoid deportation is not accurate. In reality, I believe that marrying a US citizen alone will not get you citizenship. There is still alot of hoops you have to jump through to stay in the country legaly. ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2012, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/32 "2012-11-30T20:39:40Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > I disagree. If these kids are legitimately getting married (i.e., they actually intend to be a couple and spend their lives together), I think that’s a situation that should be celebrated with congratulations, good wishes, and a nice gift (gift card or cash) and I would be more than willing to pass the envelope around the office and take care of everything. If they are just doing this to get the young woman American citizenship and plan on divorcing in 2 years, that’s a different situation. And while I (really we because it will come down to the department) will probably give her a gift card or cash, it will be a token gift for a much smaller amount. Nope. You are responsible for your behavior and yours alone. You are not responsible for determining or judging their behavior. The only question relevant to you is “Do I want to give these people a gift or not to celebrate their wedding?” If they choose to be underhanded or deceptive about their wedding, not fully disclosing whatever sneaky reason they have for doing it, that is THEIR responsibility. It’s not up to you to ferret out the truth. In other words, since you’re not sure, give them the benefit of the doubt. If you’re wrong, it’s on their heads, not yours, and at worst, you’re out a few bucks obtained from you deceptively. Regardless, YOU have done the right thing. The responsibility for the deception - assuming there is one - is on them. THEY will have done something wrong, not you. They could choose to politely decline the gift if they wish. What they choose to do or not do should not dictate your own behavior. You should do what you think is right regardless of what you suspect they may be doing. Their motives should be completely irrelevant to your decision. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2012, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/33 "2012-11-30T20:45:38Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > I’m not certain, and I’m sure that we’ve got some local immigration guru’s that can answer this question, but the TV/movie trope of the green card marriage to avoid deportation is not accurate. In reality, I believe that marrying a US citizen alone will not get you citizenship. There is still alot of hoops you have to jump through to stay in the country legaly. From personal experience: marriage to a US citizen (if determined to be valid by US Immigration- and they do check [they ask for photos of trips together, bills and statements that show shared residency and mingled finances, and they conduct interviews]) gets a non-citizen a Green Card (permanent residency and work authorization) that has to be renewed 2 years later with another check by Immigration (which may or may not include another interview), and then the immigrant can apply for citizenship. Basically, sham marriages would require quite a lot of work on the part of the couple to give the appearance of legitimacy. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2012, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/34 "2012-11-30T21:16:14Z")
> [@CarnalK](#): > > Just say “Congratulations”. Doesn’t sound like you are invited to the wedding, so why would you give a gift at all? You aren’t a friend or family. If you think she deserves a raise, now might be the time to give it to her, I suppose. **CarnalK** is very wise. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2012, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/35 "2012-11-30T21:18:12Z")
My husband and I got married in Vegas, then had chicken fingers and went bowling. I’m sure some people would say this lack of financial outlay means something terrible about our relationship, but I think that the amount spent is completely separate from the amount meant. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2012, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/36 "2012-11-30T21:20:45Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > My husband and I got married in Vegas, then had chicken fingers and went bowling. I’m sure some people would say this lack of financial outlay means something terrible about our relationship, but I think that the amount spent is completely separate from the amount meant. Just out of nosiness, did you invite family and friends, or was it just you two and the person officiating and paid witness(es)? ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2012, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/37 "2012-11-30T21:22:11Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Just out of nosiness, did you invite family and friends, or was it just you two and the person officiating and paid witness(es)? We had a few family and friends there. ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2012, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/38 "2012-11-30T23:46:16Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Mostly, I came here looking for some support (i.e., tell me I don’t have on rose-colored glasses on in this situation) for my belief that the couple is doing this (court house and no reception other than whatever they are doing with the bride’s family in Mexico) primarily for financial reasons (i.e., they are dead broke); then the contentions of many of my colleagues that they are trying to scam immigration. Actually, I think the truth is probably a mixture of both: they probably planned to get married later when they could afford something nice, but if they do it now there are immigration advantages not to mention they’ll save some money on expenses. Their marriage is not an investment for you and your colleagues. Do you not realize these snipes you and your colleagues are making will get back to the couple sooner or later? I think the greatest gift your gossipy department can give this couple is to ignore their marital status. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2012, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/39 "2012-12-01T00:53:07Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Thank you, that’s exactly the kind of thing I wanted to hear about. mrAru and I had a justice of the peace wedding because we didn’t want to spend lots of money we didn’t have [we were in the middle of buying a house] and didn’t have any great amounts of family around, and we didn’t want to pressure anybody in his division on the submarine because he was brand new there and we didn’t really know anybody well enough to want to pressure them into giving us anything. Been 22 years now =) ---
**Author:** ![ioioio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ioioio/32/316_2.png) [@ioioio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ioioio)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2012, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473/40 "2012-12-01T01:12:32Z")
I think it would be lovely to give them a cash gift if that’s what you want to do. I’ve given wedding gifts to couples I was pretty sure wouldn’t make it through a year. Also, your gift may help them continue their educations, which is a good thing. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-new-marriage-situation/642473.md?page=1)