# What would you do regarding this this home health care employee/family conflict? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 22, 2013, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-regarding-this-this-home-health-care-employee-family-conflict/664245 "2013-07-22T20:29:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-regarding-this-this-home-health-care-employee-family-conflict/664245/41 "2013-07-23T00:23:00Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > It’s great Kat is so devoted, however, I speak as someone who has provided primary care for an elderly relative more than once, including being the live in caretaker for a couple months. > > Kat _needs_ the full day off. That doesn’t mean she’s banned from the house, it means she gets a 24 hour break from caregiving. If she wants to have Sunday breakfast with Great Uncle that’s fine but she needs to do it as his _niece_, not as his caregiver. > > My suggestion (which you are free to ignore, of course 😉 ) is to approach it as a backup option: “Kat, you’re doing a fantastic job here, but I’m concerned that we need a Plan B just in case. We’ll have a home health aid here on your days off to do the necessary chores. You’re free to be gone the whole time, or to visit with Great Uncle as you choose, but we feel it’s important you have a genuine day of rest. And, oh yes, if you are home part of that time by all means give us feedback on how the HHA is with dad. We don’t think this is necessary _now_, but it might be in the future and we don’t want to have to cobble something together as an emergency measure.” > > Keep in mind, too, that paying for a relief for one day a week will give you a MUCH better idea of Kat’s real worth here, and you can rub Jane’s face in it while you say “Don’t fuck up this arrangement you petty minded little busy-body bitch!” > > Keep in mind, too - and by all means tell this to Jane - that if Niece Kat doesn’t get decent compensation and treatment during all this she has an option to challenge the estate later for compensation. That’s _another_ reason for making this a formal arrangement, it protects the estate. Now, if dad/Great Uncle decides to give Kat a cut out of the goodness of his heart that’s his business, and Kat doesn’t sound predatory, but mentioning the possibility might help keep Jane under control and off Kat’s back. > > Oh - and change the locks and do NOT give Jane the key! The only people who should have keys are 1) Dad, 2) Kat, and 3) the POA sibling(s) who, as I have mentioned, should not include Jane. Most of what you’ve written is fine, but I can’t change the locks. It’s not my house, for one thing. For another, I don’t have a key to the house myself. Some years back Dad lost trackof some money he’d hidden in the house, accused me of stealing it, and then when he finally found it refused to apologize, saying that repeatedly asking me whether I’d stolen from him was not an accusation and so he had nothing to say sorry for. I gave him his key back then, and despite his repeated attempts to give me one again have refused to take it. Anyway, I’ve spent a little time this afternoon getting figures on how much a home health care worker should actually cost and will be emailing it to Jane to persuade her to shut the fuck up. You’re dead on right paying somebody else for the weekends and making it clear to Kat that she is off duty those days. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-regarding-this-this-home-health-care-employee-family-conflict/664245/42 "2013-07-23T00:42:27Z")
**Skald** , when I said I wished you the best, I truly meant it. Shame about the lock situation, but Jane is taking slap-shots on goal & you are the goalie thats left. Its not fun, its not easy, no one is going to thank you, and you may catch more pucks to the body than Brodeur on a bad day doubleheader . But its you or its an empty net… ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 11:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-regarding-this-this-home-health-care-employee-family-conflict/664245/43 "2013-07-23T11:35:42Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Anyway, I’ve spent a little time this afternoon getting figures on how much a home health care worker should actually cost and will be emailing it to Jane to persuade her to shut the fuck up. You’re dead on right paying somebody else for the weekends and making it clear to Kat that she is off duty those days. No, e-mail it to the rest of the family. Jane is a stupid, self-obsessed, selfish, ignorant bitch. She won’t pay any attention to your e-mail. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 12:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-regarding-this-this-home-health-care-employee-family-conflict/664245/44 "2013-07-23T12:26:59Z")
Methinks you need to get the agreement with Kat in writing. This to include compensation, days off, private space, and who resolves grievances/gives direction to Kat. Is your father happy with the arrangement? If so, it would be bad if anyone messes up a good deal. Whether or not you can convince Jane of this is another question. I don’t suppose Jane can come over on Sundays and take your father to church and see to him for the day. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-regarding-this-this-home-health-care-employee-family-conflict/664245/45 "2013-07-23T13:12:09Z")
Jane does not understand boundaries. This arrangement with Kat sounds like the family is getting a great deal, but Kat needs more than half a day off each week. Jane needs to surrender her key, I think…or possibly Jane needs to be the one to take care of Dad on Sundays, and take him to church. From the stories about your dad, the whole family is lucky that someone is willing to take care of him, even as a day job. The fact that Kat lives in the house is added security, if Dad has a crisis in the night, if she’s there then his chances of a good outcome go up dramatically. If Kat’s room is messy, it’s nobody else’s business, and good for Kat for getting a lock. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-regarding-this-this-home-health-care-employee-family-conflict/664245/46 "2013-07-23T13:22:34Z")
For living accommodations, look into getting an old shipping cargo container. They hold a lot of furniture and are fairly weather proof. Then put Jane in it, and ship her on the slow boat to China. ---
**Author:** ![Caffeine.addict](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f475e1/32.png) [@Caffeine.addict](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caffeine.addict)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-regarding-this-this-home-health-care-employee-family-conflict/664245/47 "2013-07-23T13:32:56Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > Note though, that it is the father who must contact the attorney and provide instructions for the POA. The person or persons receiving the POA should not be the ones to contact the attorney, and should expect that the attorney will insist on meeting with the father privately to discuss his wishes…regardless of who pays the attorney fee. I’d like to stress this. If nothing else, it is extremely important that Dad meet with the attorney in private when discussing everything and when signing everything. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-regarding-this-this-home-health-care-employee-family-conflict/664245/48 "2013-07-23T13:47:41Z")
If I was Kat I might be gone already. I just reiterate what everyone else has said: she’s a treasure. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-regarding-this-this-home-health-care-employee-family-conflict/664245/49 "2013-07-23T13:55:28Z")
Kat is a gem and Jane is a shit. That said… you didn’t think this through or implement it properly. You needed to put in place a process for agreeing and communicating requests to Kat. Firstly, you need ONE person who Kat deals with. You’re putting Kat in a horrible position when Jane tells her one thing and you tell her another. You’re forcing her into a losing situation because she can’t make everyone happy. Secondly, you need to agree a PROCESS for discussing things before the nominated person speaks to Kat. For example, the process could be that you email around all the siblings, and everyone has one week to respond with their thoughts/ideas. Then the nominated person makes the final decision based on input from others. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-regarding-this-this-home-health-care-employee-family-conflict/664245/50 "2013-07-23T15:55:36Z")
Upon re-reading the OP the thing that annoys me the most is the idea that Kat should have to tell Jane where she goes on Sundays. Bwuh? What business is it of hers if she’s going to an orgy or just out with her friends? That is a level of controlling that is beyond all the rest of it (although the random room inspections come close) and is the #1 reason why you should never do any kind of business with family. ---
**Author:** ![Quercus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/7ab992/32.png) [@Quercus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quercus)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-regarding-this-this-home-health-care-employee-family-conflict/664245/51 "2013-07-23T16:34:29Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Anyway, I’ve spent a little time this afternoon getting figures on how much a home health care worker should actually cost and will be emailing it to Jane to persuade her to shut the fuck up. I was going to suggest making Jane do this, so she realizes what seriously great deal you have and how much it would cost her if she drives Kat away. But I like the idea of hiring a Sunday aide even better, since that’s an actual real cost, most likely with an actual written contract, that Jane will find harder to ignore. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-do-regarding-this-this-home-health-care-employee-family-conflict/664245.md?page=2)