# What would you think if you got a letter like this? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [April 11, 2007, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-think-if-you-got-a-letter-like-this/399724 "2007-04-11T23:23:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![TroubleAgain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e480ec/32.png) [@TroubleAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TroubleAgain)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2007, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-think-if-you-got-a-letter-like-this/399724/121 "2007-04-13T20:14:43Z")
Yeah, but the full moon is weeks away. ---
**Author:** ![shamrock227](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@shamrock227](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shamrock227)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2007, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-think-if-you-got-a-letter-like-this/399724/122 "2007-04-13T20:25:03Z")
[QUOTE=alice\_in\_wonderland] Well, I hope the first step you take is appologizing to the poor woman you sent that horrible letter to, assuming that the “me” you don’t want to be is a “me” who would send such a rotten letter in the first place. [/QUOTE] **Alice** , keep it down! I think that could be taken as mmmeeeeaaaannnn. You don’t want the damn Pit Nannies in here calling this a pile on do you? 😉 I’m thinking a different way here. I’m thinking that unless **Avarie537** really wants to rekindle this friendship she should just let it drop. What’s done is done and you can’t put the genie back in the bottle. How do you really apologize for that, especially when you meant what you said? If she really does want to start the friendship up again, then, yes, major asskissing is in order. Although, think hard about it. Adults don’t tend to change that much and someone like your former friend is probably much the same now as she was then. You are putting yourself back in a situation that made you upset enough to produce that letter, years after the fact. (This comes from someone who was saddled with a friend very much like her for a very long time. I tried and tried and could not shake her off until she ended up moving several states away.) ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2007, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-think-if-you-got-a-letter-like-this/399724/123 "2007-04-13T23:00:33Z")
[QUOTE=shamrock227] **Alice** , keep it down! I think that could be taken as mmmeeeeaaaannnn. You don’t want the damn Pit Nannies in here calling this a pile on do you? 😉 [/QUOTE] Yes, but don’t you know - I’m the _Queen of Mean_! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2007, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-think-if-you-got-a-letter-like-this/399724/124 "2007-04-13T23:42:13Z")
I think it’s a great letter and you should definitely send it … … if you never want to hear from this woman again. Lord knows, I’D have nothing to do with the author of such a bizarre screed. ---
**Author:** ![Alan\_Smithee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/2acd7d/32.png) [@Alan\_Smithee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alan_Smithee)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2007, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-think-if-you-got-a-letter-like-this/399724/125 "2007-04-14T00:22:27Z")
Um, you’re still on the first page, aren’t you, **Lizard**? 😛 **Avarie537** , I have to say, I didn’t expect to see you back in this thread, much less to admit you deserved this pitting. Good luck changing; it’s a hard thing to do. ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2007, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-think-if-you-got-a-letter-like-this/399724/126 "2007-04-14T04:30:40Z")
[QUOTE=Alan Smithee] Um, you’re still on the first page, aren’t you, **Lizard**? 😛 [/QUOTE] To be honest, I didn’t notice how long the thread was until AFTER I posted! :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Reply](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/reply/32/15952_2.png) [@Reply](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reply)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2007, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-think-if-you-got-a-letter-like-this/399724/127 "2007-04-14T13:51:49Z")
I’m going to express an extremely unpopular opinion here, **Avarie537** , and say that I really liked your letter. I would have been grateful to receive a letter like that – if the accusations were true. I would’ve initially been hurt and/or pissed, probably, but at least you had told the truth about what the problems in our relationship were. If you didn’t, I never would’ve been able to fix them. This way, once the pain and anger subsided and I had some time to think about things, I might actually be able to do something about them and perhaps actually be a real friend to you… if I were still interested. And even if I weren’t, your honesty would’ve allowed me to honestly write back to you in return, and at that point we would simply break apart completely and not be a bother to each other. You were brutally honest, and IMHO that’s worth more than any amount of niceness or friendliness. I admired the way you were just upfront about everything instead of writing polite and nice bullshit. What good would it do either of you to maintain a pretend friendship rekindled solely by false kindness? IMO and IMO only, less-than-honest relationships are worthless. I see that you accepted the criticism of your letter in post #111. I just have to say… maybe you don’t like yourself and maybe you do have things you need to change, but I still really admire the honesty you expressed. Important Disclaimer: I have zero social skills and zero friends (things like this are probably part of the reason). I wanted to share my opinion with you, but in light of what others have said, you shouldn’t take heed of it if you actually value your social relationships. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2007, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-think-if-you-got-a-letter-like-this/399724/128 "2007-04-14T15:35:34Z")
Several people have suggested that Avarie might want to express those thoughts, just not in this initial letter. It’s the kind of thing that is better done after you’ve resumed contact, and then only if it seems relevant (for example, if she was no longer like that then there would be no need). ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2007, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-think-if-you-got-a-letter-like-this/399724/129 "2007-04-14T23:31:43Z")
[QUOTE=Reply] I’m going to express an extremely unpopular opinion here, **Avarie537** , and say that I really liked your letter. I would have been grateful to receive a letter like that – if the accusations were true. I would’ve initially been hurt and/or pissed, probably, but at least you had told the truth about what the problems in our relationship were. If you didn’t, I never would’ve been able to fix them. This way, once the pain and anger subsided and I had some time to think about things, I might actually be able to do something about them and perhaps actually be a real friend to you… if I were still interested. And even if I weren’t, your honesty would’ve allowed me to honestly write back to you in return, and at that point we would simply break apart completely and not be a bother to each other. You were brutally honest, and IMHO that’s worth more than any amount of niceness or friendliness. I admired the way you were just upfront about everything instead of writing polite and nice bullshit. What good would it do either of you to maintain a pretend friendship rekindled solely by false kindness? IMO and IMO only, less-than-honest relationships are worthless. I see that you accepted the criticism of your letter in post #111. I just have to say… maybe you don’t like yourself and maybe you do have things you need to change, but I still really admire the honesty you expressed. Important Disclaimer: I have zero social skills and zero friends (things like this are probably part of the reason). I wanted to share my opinion with you, but in light of what others have said, you shouldn’t take heed of it if you actually value your social relationships. [/QUOTE] Honesty is an act of respect even when it hurts, but _brutal_ honesty doesn’t have to be the first choice. Honesty can be tempered with tact and diplomacy. If that doesn’t work then maybe a more direct approach is called for I’m a big supporter of being honest in relationships rather than being disingenuous and calling it consideration or politeness. . I don’t condone unnecessary cruelty cloaked as brutal honesty. ---
**Author:** ![LVgeogeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b19c9b/32.png) [@LVgeogeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LVgeogeek)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-think-if-you-got-a-letter-like-this/399724/130 "2007-04-15T01:09:43Z")
I was going to send a similar letter to a friend of mine who just dumps her problems all over me when we would talk. I swear she sucks the life force right out of me. I would always feel down and crappy after talking to her. I cut off communication with her right at the beginning if 2006. I feel bad about the total drop off, but it was for my own sanity. I wrote a letter just like the OPs (minus the family update type stuff), but I couldn’t bring myself to ever send it. She still emails me, I don’t respond. I do read the emails because they are always the same “I don’t understand why you won’t contact me. What did I do wrong?..” That’s the point, you don’t get it. I had told her numerous times that I could not deal with her constant negativity [sigh] ---
**Author:** ![Cattitude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@Cattitude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cattitude)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-think-if-you-got-a-letter-like-this/399724/131 "2007-04-15T01:33:48Z")
[QUOTE=eleanorigby] :eek: If this thread and its links does not prove that we need a puking smiley-nothing will. I am what is the word-incredulous? amazed? stunned? The OP has (most likely) learned a salient lesson regarding cathartic letter writing. I cannot speak to the female superior+orgasm=fecal incontinence. In fact I cannot speak. [/QUOTE] You and me both :eek: ! My, as a new doper I think I’m scarred for life. As far as the letter, I echo the previous thoughts here already. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-think-if-you-got-a-letter-like-this/399724/132 "2007-04-15T01:49:40Z")
[QUOTE=shamrock227] If she really does want to start the friendship up again, then, yes, major asskissing is in order. [/QUOTE] Well, hopefully not after she’s just had an orgasm from sex in the female-superior position… I must echo **OneCentStamp** : How could I not have known that that thread existed? What other treasures lurk in the bowels of the SDMB? ---
**Author:** ![Taber](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ac91a4/32.png) [@Taber](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taber)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-think-if-you-got-a-letter-like-this/399724/133 "2007-04-15T02:34:15Z")
[QUOTE=Green Bean] Well, hopefully not after she’s just had an orgasm from sex in the female-superior position… I must echo **OneCentStamp** : How could I not have known that that thread existed? What other treasures lurk in the **bowels** of the SDMB? [/QUOTE] You’re evil ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 10:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-think-if-you-got-a-letter-like-this/399724/134 "2007-04-15T10:04:21Z")
[QUOTE=Green Bean] How could I not have known that that thread existed? [/QUOTE] When did you register? I think you’re a '99er, but if so, you must have skipped the thread when it was new, because it was locked after one reply. Once seen, never forgotten. The instant **bigbabysweets** said “drunken foursome,” my mind jumped immediately to the phrase, “next thing I know, there’s an extra hand down there,” which will never be erased from my memory. ---
**Author:** ![Operation\_Ripper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/34f0e0/32.png) [@Operation\_Ripper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Operation_Ripper)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 10:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-think-if-you-got-a-letter-like-this/399724/135 "2007-04-15T10:16:45Z")
Good grief, you’re quite a mess Av. ---
**Author:** ![wring](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/838e76/32.png) [@wring](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wring)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-think-if-you-got-a-letter-like-this/399724/136 "2007-04-15T15:26:28Z")
[QUOTE=Rilchiam] When did you register? I think you’re a '99er, but if so, you must have skipped the thread when it was new, because it was locked after one reply. Once seen, never forgotten. The instant **bigbabysweets** said “drunken foursome,” my mind jumped immediately to the phrase, “next thing I know, there’s an extra hand down there,” which will never be erased from my memory. [/QUOTE] I never even **heard** of it. I gotta get out more. or maybe not. ---
**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-think-if-you-got-a-letter-like-this/399724/137 "2007-04-15T16:14:37Z")
[QUOTE=wring] I never even **heard** of it. I gotta get out more. or maybe not. [/QUOTE] Me neither. It made me go :eek: I think that in my entire time here, I’ve never seen worse oversharing. Ever. Amazing. ---
**Author:** ![descamisado](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@descamisado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/descamisado)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-think-if-you-got-a-letter-like-this/399724/138 "2007-04-15T19:14:50Z")
[QUOTE=bigbabysweets2000] \*\*Rilchiam \*\* wins the prize for being the first to pick up the reference. Now where is **Auto** lurking? We need to show him that this is what we’re talking about when we warn him about posting ladlesque things. We have long memories here. [/QUOTE] Dude, that’s just not the same. That was between \*_Auto \*\* and his ladel._ - I know this is spelled incorrectly. I just decided to spell it this way because it was being spelled that was in that thread (and to reflect how traumatized it must have been in its travels). ---
**Author:** ![Avarie537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/48db29/32.png) [@Avarie537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Avarie537)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2007, 12:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-think-if-you-got-a-letter-like-this/399724/139 "2007-04-16T12:04:43Z")
FYI, I have received a response. It was an email, so I can give it to you word for word (names edited, of course): > [@](#): > > I am honestly not sure where to begin. When I sent you a card this Christmas and I did not hear back I decided that was my sign. That maybe the friendship that we had years ago just was no longer meant to be. So, when I opened my mailbox and saw the letter from you I was not sure what to think. When I read your letter I was torn between being angry (and I would hope that you understand that) and being overjoyed. Many times I have thought of you over the past three years. Many of times I have missed having you with me. > > My life has changed in so many ways. Joe and I got married in June of 2005. It was a small ceremony and my only sadness that day was that you were not there. I can honestly say that it was the happiest day of my life (so far). I will not pretend that married life has been perfect, but we have taken to it very well. We are very happy, and although we have our moments, I have no regrets. He makes me happy. Once I stopped looking to him to change my life and starting looking at him to be my partner our relationship changed. > > Last year we sat down and decided that it was time to make some changes in our lives. The biggest change is that I have gone back to school. I am currently working toward my AS in Nursing at City College. Eventually I will get my Bachelors and then my Masters to become a Certified Nurse Midwife. Amazingly enough, I am doing very well. It seems as though once I put my mind to something and truly put my efforts towards it, I am actually able to accomplish quite a bit. I am currently at the top of my class and awaiting a response from the nursing program as to whether I have been accepted into clinicals in the fall. (Only 30 spaces and over 300 people applying). I believe that this is the path that I am supposed to take, and maybe all the heartache along the way will be a benefit to me as a nurse. > > When I sent you the card in December, I hoped that I would get a reply. I have missed you. Now that I have heard from you, and nothing that you have said came as a surprise, I am not sure where we go from here. I am aware of the kind of person that I was 3 years ago. And part of me doesn’t blame you for walking away. The other part of me is hurt. Hurt that you bailed, hurt that it seemed so easy for you, and hurt that you forgot all the times that I was there when you needed a friend. I know, in retrospect, that you did what you felt you needed to do. And the old me wants to jump for joy that you are back. > > The new me is a bit more cautious. I am afraid. I have suffered my own losses over the past few years. And it has taken all that is in me to not revert and return to the person that I once was. It took me a long time to climb out of my pit. I am finally where I want to be in my life, and I am surrounded by people who love and respect me for exactly the person that I am and not an idealized version of who they think that I should be. I have gotten rid of the people in my life who, for one reason or another, were hazardous to my health. And I have made my peace with my past and the mistakes that I have made. I have had to. > > So here is the thing. I would love to talk to you. But I need to know, if we do that, that you take me as I am. I am not perfect and I will never be perfect. I am human and I will make mistakes. I have missed your friendship and your companionship and I would like to try again. Just know that I am not the same person as I used to be. > > My school schedule is calming down a bit and I am free most evenings except for Thursdays. Tuesdays in the afternoon or Fridays all day are when I normally am free. Feel free to call me or just respond. My number is 555-1212. > > I am happy that you appear to be doing so well. I’m so happy I could cry! THIS is what I wanted to hear from her, and really hoped had happened for her own sake. I was ham-fisted in my typing and didn’t know if she even would respond. I don’t have time to compose the response I want to send before I go to work this morning, but you can believe I’ll be thinking about this one all day as well. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2007, 12:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-think-if-you-got-a-letter-like-this/399724/140 "2007-04-16T12:42:17Z")
[QUOTE=Caridwen] Perfect SNL sketch in there somewhere. [/QUOTE] Nah, it’s not long and unfunny enough. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-think-if-you-got-a-letter-like-this/399724.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-would-you-think-if-you-got-a-letter-like-this/399724.md?page=8)