# What's a quick and simple way to explain "passive aggressive?"
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [May 14, 2021, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080 "2021-05-14T15:08:11Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)
#### Post date: [May 14, 2021, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/1 "2021-05-14T15:08:11Z")
Passive-aggressive behavior is one of those things that everyone recognizes immediately when it happens in real life, yet is very difficult to define or convey verbally. What’s a quick and concise way to get the concept across to someone who hasn’t heard the term before?
---
### Author:  [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)
#### Post date: [May 14, 2021, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/2 "2021-05-14T15:14:05Z")
Finding ways to get out of doing something or otherwise be aggressive while avoiding direct confrontation and often avoiding the actual issue.
For example, if instead of posting here, I PM’d another user and said ‘OMG, did you see what Velocity asked, what a stupid question’, but doing so in hopes that that person would then post here basically relaying that information as if their own.
In a work environment, you might complain to all your co-workers about a new rule hoping that they would also be annoyed and talk to the boss about it, instead of just talking to the boss yourself.
Basically, think of someone that’s [directly] aggressive and imagine what they would do in order to get the same point across but without interacting with their target.
ETA, another good example is this classic interaction:
Partner1: What’s wrong?
Partner2 [clearly mad at Partner1 about something]: Nothing
Instead of telling them what the problem is, they’re just ‘acting out’. Essentially ‘retaliating’ instead of working to deal with the issue at hand.
---
### Author:  [@Jas09](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jas09)
#### Post date: [May 14, 2021, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/3 "2021-05-14T15:21:49Z")
I think there are two parts:
1. “Actively compelling or coercing another person into a certain behavior without actually requesting the behavior”. “OMG, these dirty dishes have been sitting here for a week!” while walking through the kitchen.
2. “Expressing a certain emotional state with statements or actions without addressing the underlying causes of the emotion”? @Joey_P has a good example of that one.
Basically the key point is the refusal to actually communicate about the disagreement, but still acting in such a way that the emotional content of the disagreement is manifest.
---
### Author:  [@k9bfriender](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/k9bfriender)
#### Post date: [May 14, 2021, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/4 "2021-05-14T15:25:07Z")
I think of it as attempting to communicate through the least effective and efficient means at your disposal.
---
### Author:  [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)
#### Post date: [May 14, 2021, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/5 "2021-05-14T15:27:11Z")
_If you knew me at all you’d know why I’m mad at you._
---
### Author:  [@naita](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/naita)
#### Post date: [May 14, 2021, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/6 "2021-05-14T15:40:27Z")
> [@Velocity](#):
>
> Passive-aggressive behavior is one of those things that everyone recognizes immediately when it happens in real life, yet is very difficult to define or convey verbally.
Is it though?
> In psychology, “passive-aggression” is one of the most misused of psychological terms. After some debate, the [American Psychiatric Association](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_Psychiatric_Association) dropped it from the list of personality disorders in the DSM IV as too narrow to be a full-blown diagnosis and not well enough supported by scientific evidence to meet increasingly rigorous standards of definition. Culturally, the ambiguous “passive-aggressive” label is misused by lay persons and professionals alike.
> [Passive-aggressive behavior - Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive-aggressive_behavior)
Passive-aggressive is used for behaviors ranging from very thinly veiled aggression through to complete submission in person and verbally while actively counteracting that behavior when “unobserved”.
---
### Author:  [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)
#### Post date: [May 14, 2021, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/7 "2021-05-14T15:41:33Z")
> [@Velocity](#):
>
> Passive-aggressive behavior is one of those things that everyone recognizes immediately when it happens in real life
Really? The other night my gf was working late (she WFH) and I was drinking vodka and smoking cannabis. For some crazy reason I began cleaning the kitchen. I cleaned for _hours_, replacing the aluminum foil in the toaster oven, cleaning behind the refrigerator, polishing the appliances, etc. I was doing it because it was fun.
The next day my gf sent me a text, asking what was going on, telling me we should talk things over instead of me getting all passive aggressive.
😕
---
### Author:  [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)
#### Post date: [May 14, 2021, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/8 "2021-05-14T15:44:05Z")
Nice thread you got there @Velocity, it’d be a shame if something were to happen to it. 🙂
---
### Author:  [@k9bfriender](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/k9bfriender)
#### Post date: [May 14, 2021, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/9 "2021-05-14T15:46:50Z")
> [@kayaker](#):
>
> I was doing it because it was fun.
So you say. But what message were you really trying to send?
---
### Author:  [@Esprise\_Me](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprise_Me)
#### Post date: [May 14, 2021, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/10 "2021-05-14T15:51:13Z")
Agreed that the term is used broadly, perhaps to the point of rendering it meaningless. I’ve seen it morph from a name for a certain type of toxic behavior to something of an all-purpose insult directed mainly at women. It’s too bad, because we do need a term for being unkind in an indirect way and then hiding behind that fig leaf of plausible deniability. But lately I tend to side-eye the person using the term rather than the person it’s aimed at. Ironically, it’s become the new passive-aggressive way of calling a woman a bitch.
---
### Author:  [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)
#### Post date: [May 14, 2021, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/11 "2021-05-14T15:52:44Z")
> [@naita](#):
>
> Passive-aggressive is used for behaviors ranging from very thinly veiled aggression through to complete submission in person and verbally while actively counteracting that behavior when “unobserved”.
This is the right answer. Passive-aggressive behavior is easy to label but hard to define. However it always has the elements of:
1. Vexing, thwarting, or criticizing a person or something important to them
2. Doing so indirectly or passively
3. In a manner that’s overt enough to be noticeable, but not enough to incur a bright-line sanction
I’ve tried to argue that “passive” should be taken literally and not assumed to be “indirect”, but I got shouted down to a degree that suggests the hill is lost and there’s no sense dying upon it.
---
### Author:  [@Riemann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Riemann)
#### Post date: [May 14, 2021, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/12 "2021-05-14T15:54:05Z")
> [@naita](#):
>
> Is it though?
But this seems analogous to the “birds are dinosaurs” issue. The APA is concerned with a _technical_ meaning, and whether it constitutes a well-defined and meaningful trait for diagnostic purposes. The fact that it has a looser colloquial meaning that is not in accord with a technical psychiatric definition does not necessarily imply that it is being “misused” by lay people. Colloquially, it does not necessarily (or usually) refer to pathology, it’s used to refer to a trait that’s denigrated but nevertheless often part of the spectrum of normal human behavior.
---
### Author:  [@naita](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/naita)
#### Post date: [May 14, 2021, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/13 "2021-05-14T15:56:03Z")
> [@HMS\_Irruncible](#):
>
> I’ve tried to argue that “passive” should be taken literally and not assume to be “indirect”, but I got shouted down to a degree that suggests the hill is lost and there’s no sense dying upon it.
Indeed. Just see @kayaker’s example. There was nothing passive about the actions, but the GF interpreted it as an indirect criticism.
---
### Author:  [@k9bfriender](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/k9bfriender)
#### Post date: [May 14, 2021, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/14 "2021-05-14T16:01:15Z")
My reply was meant in jest, but those would be the actions of someone wanting to send a message.
Maybe it was her night to clean the kitchen, and by doing so himself @kayaker was communicating her failure in keeping to her obligations. Or she did clean it, but not to the standards that he wanted. (I’m _not_ saying that this is the case, but only how it could be interpreted.)
---
### Author:  [@naita](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/naita)
#### Post date: [May 14, 2021, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/15 "2021-05-14T16:01:38Z")
> [@Riemann](#):
>
> Colloquially, it does not necessarily (or usually) refer to pathology, it’s used to refer to a trait that’s denigrated but nevertheless often part of the spectrum of normal human behavior.
Is it though? You’re right that it not being used in accordance with definitions from APA doesn’t mean it’s misused. I could have chosen what to quote with more care. But you’re completely ignoring the final paragraph of my post:
> [@naita](#):
>
> Passive-aggressive is used for behaviors ranging from very thinly veiled aggression through to complete submission in person and verbally while actively counteracting that behavior when “unobserved”.
One example, which I’ll accept might have more to do with content drift, though I think it still represents some people’s very wide definition, is that the webpage [http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/](http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/) accepts very direct and obvious aggression, as long as it’s sort of veiled and on a note.
---
### Author:  [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)
#### Post date: [May 14, 2021, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/16 "2021-05-14T16:03:23Z")
Agree that it’s an overused and misused term. But I’d say that a reasonable paraphrase of the most common interpretation of the term would be something like
hostility plus deniability.
---
### Author:  [@Riemann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Riemann)
#### Post date: [May 14, 2021, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/17 "2021-05-14T16:09:31Z")
> [@naita](#):
>
> But you’re completely ignoring the final paragraph of my post:
Did I succeed in annoying you by ignoring it? 🙂
Actually I wasn’t intending to be passive-aggressive, I was still contemplating the issue. I tend to agree that the term is overused (like I just did) to a point where it’s just the sophisticated-sounding go-to criticism for almost anything short of screaming at someone and punching them in the nose. But to the extent to which it’s in very widespread use and no longer principally a technical term, I’m not sure how productive it is to take a prescriptivist stance on this.
---
### Author:  [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)
#### Post date: [May 14, 2021, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/18 "2021-05-14T16:16:37Z")
> [@Velocity](#):
>
> Passive-aggressive behavior is one of those things that everyone recognizes immediately when it happens in real life, yet is very difficult to define or convey verbally. What’s a quick and concise way to get the concept across to someone who hasn’t heard the term before?
Why is it important for you to know this? 🤔
One time at work I got a pleural fluid pathology to review, and recognized the patient as someone whom various doctors had tapped and repeatedly sent in fluids for cytologic examination, resulting in about two dozen utterly normal findings over the past year (it was easy for clinicians to mindlessly check off the “examine cytology” box on the lab form, so a lot of money and time (mine) got wasted). I signed out the pending case as normal with an addendum saying “See also #s 4006, 4097, 5214, 5918 (etc. etc. etc.)”.
A co-worker considered my report “passive-aggressive”, but fuck that.
---
### Author:  [@Riemann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Riemann)
#### Post date: [May 14, 2021, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/19 "2021-05-14T16:17:08Z")
> [@naita](#):
>
> There was nothing passive about the actions
Couldn’t you argue that the ostensible furious activity was irrelevant to the underlying problem, and a mask for psychological passivity with respect to the real issue? Unless @kayaker was trying to make the point (or perceived to be trying to make the point) that his partner never cleans the kitchen, I’m actually not quite sure I understand what the issue was.
---
### Author:  [@naita](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/naita)
#### Post date: [May 14, 2021, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/20 "2021-05-14T16:17:26Z")
> [@Riemann](#):
>
> Did I succeed in annoying you by ignoring it?
Sure, but I’m hoping our description of passive-aggressive is going to include merely trying to annoy people for sport.
> [@Kimstu](#):
>
> hostility plus deniability.
I think this is a good definition of how it’s used when it’s used well, and it also explains why it’s so insidious. When people engage in passive-aggressive behavior it becomes fraught to give people advice or help. “Why are you suggesting a lawn service? Do you think I don’t keep my yard up well enough?” “Why did you take the trash out on my day? Are you trying to tell me I don’t do it fast enough!”
And some people do think the completely non-passive aggressive notes constitute being passive-aggressive. Example: Note on thermostat: “Don’t raise above 70. Put on a sweater.”
That’s not passive-aggressive, it’s just aggressive.
[Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080.md?page=2)