# What's a quick and simple way to explain "passive aggressive?" **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 14, 2021, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080 "2021-05-14T15:08:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![k9bfriender](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/k9bfriender/32/3283_2.png) [@k9bfriender](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/k9bfriender)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2021, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/21 "2021-05-14T16:20:43Z")
> [@Riemann](#): > > I tend to agree that the term is overused (like I just did) to a point where it’s just the sophisticated-sounding go-to criticism for almost anything short of screaming at someone and punching them in the nose. It may be overused, but it may also be more used legitimately, both as people have something to call behavior that used to be puzzling, and as actual instances of passive aggressive behavior seem to be on the rise. I would consider most instances of malicious compliance to be passive aggressive behavior. Maybe the target deserved it, but you are still taking action to undermine the known intent, rather than communicating the consequences of taking their directions literally. ---
**Author:** ![naita](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/naita/32/5862_2.png) [@naita](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/naita)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2021, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/22 "2021-05-14T16:20:59Z")
> [@Riemann](#): > > Couldn’t you argue that the ostensible furious activity was irrelevant to the underlying problem, and a mask for psychological passivity? Unless @kayaker trying to make the point (or perceived to be trying to make the point) that his partner never cleans the kitchen, I’m actually not quite sure I understand what the issue was. Sure, but where’s the aggression in that? And if engaging in any sort of activity irrelevant to the underlying problem is included in “passive-aggressive” do we not then have a rather non-descriptive term for a very wide range of behavior? ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2021, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/23 "2021-05-14T16:21:02Z")
> [@naita](#): > > Indeed. Just see @kayaker’s example. There was nothing passive about the actions, but the GF interpreted it as an indirect criticism. > [@k9bfriender](#): > > Maybe it was her night to clean the kitchen, and by doing so himself @kayaker was communicating her failure in keeping to her obligations. Or she did clean it, but not to the standards that he wanted. (I’m _not_ saying that this is the case, but only how it could be interpreted.) Yeah but. We have someone who comes in and cleans once every other week. It’s never anyone’s “turn” to clean, and I’m the last person who would complain about the cleanliness of the kitchen. I’m a slob. I was high as a kite and was enjoying myself cleaning. I was pretending I was detailing the kitchen, like you would a car. I eventually explained this to her and she apologized. She was angry with herself for working such long hours and she wanted me to be angry with her for working so hard. I still don’t understand why I’d clean the kitchen to get that point across, but I’m a simple man. ---
**Author:** ![Riemann](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/riemann/32/3133_2.png) [@Riemann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Riemann)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2021, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/24 "2021-05-14T16:28:21Z")
> [@naita](#): > > Sure, but where’s the aggression in that? Well, people who are angry that their partner has failed to carry out some part of the social obligations of the partnership will sometimes carry out some element of their _own_ part of the social obligations of the parthnership in an exaggerated and highly visible manner. And I think that’s an archetypal example of passive-aggressive behavior. [ETA: I have no idea about @kayaker’s situation specifically, I was just speaking in general terms.] ---
**Author:** ![k9bfriender](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/k9bfriender/32/3283_2.png) [@k9bfriender](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/k9bfriender)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2021, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/25 "2021-05-14T16:36:45Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > We have someone who comes in and cleans once every other week. It’s never anyone’s “turn” to clean, and I’m the last person who would complain about the cleanliness of the kitchen. I’m a slob. I didn’t think that was the case, just pointing to it as an example of how it could be interpreted. I had a roommate a while back that would put dishes away at 2 in the morning while everyone was trying to sleep. I told them that I would put them away when I got home from work and starting dinner. They didn’t respond to this, and continued to put them away in the middle of the night, except louder. They would also vacuum while I had company over. I usually had one day a week that I spent cleaning the house, and it stayed in relatively good condition. But I’d have some friends over trying to watch a movie, and he’d be vacuuming the floor, even going so far as to be between us and the TV. A couple of times after I mowed the grass, he’d go out, set the mower’s deck at a lower height, and mow again. The message that I was getting was that I wasn’t doing a good enough job in keeping my house in shape for his preferences, but he never came out and said this, would just go back over what I had done, or even undo things that I had done to do them his way, and generally make a big show of it. ---
**Author:** ![shh1313](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shh1313/32/8020_2.png) [@shh1313](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shh1313)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2021, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/26 "2021-05-14T16:37:48Z")
I believe it (MPD) should fall under mutibile personality disorder (MPD). Usually when clinically diagnosed with 1 disorder there are 2 or more disorders. Cormordiy is the word used when you have 2 or more disorders. “One disorder may represent an early manifestation of another. There may be problems of classification, in which the use of same or similar symptoms define different disorders. Detection artifacts can occur. For example, the presence of one disorder in a patient may make another condition more visible, even though it may be no more common than in a general population. Similarly, the presence of one disorder may influence the observations of clinicians and make them more likely to report the presence of another disorder.” The above article is extensive it covers everything from Alzheimer’s, traumatic events to alcohol, and drugs. If you want to learn about how to help a loved friend or family member I strongly recommend this article. That way you will be able to know if your doctor is serious and not a one and done, here’s some piils which means being on the wrong meds. [https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/comorbidity](https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/comorbidity) ---
**Author:** ![naita](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/naita/32/5862_2.png) [@naita](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/naita)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2021, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/27 "2021-05-14T16:42:02Z")
> [@shh1313](#): > > I believe it (MPD) should fall under mutibile personality disorder (MPD). Usually when clinically diagnosed with 1 disorder there are 2 or more disorders. Cormordiy is the word used when you have 2 or more disorders. Where should “post a complete non-sequitur in an internet forum” fall? ---
**Author:** ![Son\_of\_a\_Rich](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/son_of_a_rich/32/5439_2.png) [@Son\_of\_a\_Rich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Son_of_a_Rich)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2021, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/28 "2021-05-14T16:42:40Z")
> [@k9bfriender](#): > > > [@kayaker](#): > > > > I was doing it because it was fun. > > So you say. But what message were you really trying to send? “You’d have fun too if you ever cleaned the kitchen”. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2021, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/29 "2021-05-14T16:44:54Z")
> [@shh1313](#): > > I believe it (MPD) should fall under mutibile personality disorder (MPD). Usually when clinically diagnosed with 1 disorder there are 2 or more disorders. Cormordiy is the word used when you have 2 or more disorders. Hold on. I can’t figure out what you’re referring to. What does MPD (DID) have to do with this? very well ninja’d by @naita ---
**Author:** ![Riemann](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/riemann/32/3133_2.png) [@Riemann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Riemann)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2021, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/30 "2021-05-14T16:45:28Z")
> [@shh1313](#): > > I believe it (MPD) should fall under mutibile personality disorder (MPD). Usually when clinically diagnosed with 1 disorder there are 2 or more disorders. Cormordiy is the word used when you have 2 or more disorders. Erm, what on earth are you talking about? And why do you think it’s important to post a paragraph-long definition of a term that means nothing more profound than two things happening at the same time? ---
**Author:** ![Riemann](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/riemann/32/3133_2.png) [@Riemann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Riemann)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2021, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/31 "2021-05-14T16:47:22Z")
> [@naita](#): > > Where should “post a complete non-sequitur in an internet forum” fall? I think @shh1313 is angry that @kayaker didn’t clean _their_ kitchen maybe? ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2021, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/32 "2021-05-14T16:47:30Z")
Yeah, that one stuck out like a cat’s tail in a folksy saying. ---
**Author:** ![shh1313](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shh1313/32/8020_2.png) [@shh1313](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shh1313)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2021, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/33 "2021-05-14T16:58:05Z")
I believe it is on topic. I will break it down for you OK? @Riemann Earlier in the replies someone mentioned the ‘passive aggressive’ disorder was removed from psychiatric disorders diagnoses. There were 2 mentions! Did you read all the replies? I would like a mod to decide. Another reason the purpose of this forum is to learn new information. If the article could help or save one life of someone on Straight Dope do you or other posters think a side rail topic would be worth it @Riemann. ---
**Author:** ![naita](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/naita/32/5862_2.png) [@naita](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/naita)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2021, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/34 "2021-05-14T17:01:15Z")
> [@shh1313](#): > > Earlier in the replies someone mentioned the ‘passive aggressive’ disorder was removed from psychiatric disorders diagnoses. Yeah. That was me in quoting from Wikpedia how “passive-aggressive” is not a well defined term. It does not make the DSM a topic of the thread, especially not without some context. ---
**Author:** ![Riemann](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/riemann/32/3133_2.png) [@Riemann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Riemann)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2021, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/35 "2021-05-14T17:02:44Z")
> [@shh1313](#): > > I believe it is on topic. Perhaps before getting all indignant you should reread your own post, carefully. Before anyone can form an opinion about the merits of what you are attempting to say, it would be helpful if you could clarify what you mean without the glaring mistakes. ---
**Author:** ![BrickBat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac91a4/32.png) [@BrickBat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrickBat)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2021, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/36 "2021-05-14T17:02:51Z")
I remember reading this, when describing passive-aggressive behavior, and thought it was funny. I hope I got the exact words right. Son or son in-law and his wife have a new baby. Mother or MIL says to son or SIL that she expects and demands she bring the baby over to her house every saturday for lunch. Passive response: You buy a car seat and do just as you are told. Aggressive response: You state to mother or MIL that while you understand she’d like to spend time with their grandchild, that you’ll not be manipulated or coerced without regard to you or your wife’s own desires or schedules, and to back off. Passive-aggressive response: You move at least two states away. ---
**Author:** ![shh1313](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shh1313/32/8020_2.png) [@shh1313](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shh1313)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2021, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/37 "2021-05-14T17:02:57Z")
I’m going to flag myself. A mod should decide! ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2021, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/38 "2021-05-14T17:05:21Z")
Decide what? ---
**Author:** ![shh1313](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shh1313/32/8020_2.png) [@shh1313](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shh1313)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2021, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/39 "2021-05-14T17:10:59Z")
@tripolor whether my reply follows SD rules. ---
**Author:** ![Tusculan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecd19e/32.png) [@Tusculan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tusculan)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2021, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/40 "2021-05-14T17:12:16Z")
To me a passive-aggressive response/reply simply means that someone is angry, but doesn’t say so outright, couching it in supposedly polite or self-deprecating words or actions. It is veiled criticism, but clothed in such a way that the critique cannot be missed. If the other person can reply ‘Why didn’t you just say so?’, it is probably a passive-aggressive response. ‘Never mind, I’m used to doing the dishes all the time’. ‘Oh, I’m fine sitting here in the cold by myself.’ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080.md?page=3)