# What's a quick and simple way to explain "passive aggressive?" **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 14, 2021, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080 "2021-05-14T15:08:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Riemann](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/riemann/32/3133_2.png) [@Riemann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Riemann)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2021, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/41 "2021-05-14T17:15:41Z")
Nobody has said anything about “rules”. Your post is just very hard to make sense of in context. Again, _reread your own post_. You obviously made some major typos, but I’m not going to try to guess what I _think_ you mean. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2021, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/42 "2021-05-14T17:19:21Z")
Try[THIS](https://letmegooglethat.com/?q=passive-aggressive) on for size. [Let Me Google That For You Passive-Aggressively Helps your Friends](https://lifehacker.com/let-me-google-that-for-you-passive-aggressively-helps-y-5093525) ---
**Author:** ![shh1313](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shh1313/32/8020_2.png) [@shh1313](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shh1313)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2021, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/43 "2021-05-14T17:24:07Z")
@Tusculan do you have the post number? I’d be happy to correct my spelling due to spell check. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2021, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/44 "2021-05-14T17:27:58Z")
Malicious compliance does seem like the most immediately understandable version of passive-aggressiveness. I.e., you criticize someone for speeding one day and demand that he drive slower, and so he waits until one day you have a heart attack and need to get to the hospital ASAP and deliberately chauffeurs you to the hospital at a leisurely pace 15 mph below the speed limit, “Hey you said you wanted me to drive slower didn’t you?” The other versions of passive-aggressiveness are much murkier though. ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2021, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/45 "2021-05-14T17:30:29Z")
**Modnote** : As per your request, this post actually is off-topic. It is pretty far from _a quick and simple way to explain passive aggressive_. If you want to discuss MPD any further, please take it off to its own thread. _This is just a guidance, not a warning. Nothing on your permanent record._ Now to everybody else, please lets drop this side issue. Thank you, Jim ---
**Author:** ![shh1313](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shh1313/32/8020_2.png) [@shh1313](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shh1313)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2021, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/46 "2021-05-14T17:31:12Z")
Thank you! ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2021, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/47 "2021-05-14T20:05:54Z")
> [@BrickBat](#): > > Passive-aggressive response: You move at least two states away. That works - but a more common passive-aggressive response is that you agree to lunch every Saturday - and then on most Saturdays you can’t make it, so sorry, some sort of schedule conflict. So that you actually see grandma on _your_ schedule- but never actually tell her you’re not going to follow _hers._ ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2021, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/48 "2021-05-14T20:48:25Z")
> [@What\_Exit](#): > > This is just a guidance, not a warning. Nothing on your permanent record. Heh, I so wanted to make a snarky passive aggressive comment, but you’re too good a guy, Jim. Have a nice weekend. ---
**Author:** ![GuanoLad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guanolad/32/42_2.png) [@GuanoLad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GuanoLad)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2021, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/49 "2021-05-15T00:35:55Z")
Coercing via pointed implication. ---
**Author:** ![k9bfriender](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/k9bfriender/32/3283_2.png) [@k9bfriender](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/k9bfriender)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2021, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/50 "2021-05-15T02:57:09Z")
> [@Thanks codinghorror, for all you do for the SDMB!](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thanks-codinghorror-for-all-you-do-for-the-sdmb/942112): > > Continuing the discussion from [Cannot distinguish reply to previous post vs reply to original post](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cannot-distinguish-reply-to-previous-post-vs-reply-to-original-post/941439/69): I just wanted to take a moment to thank codinghorror for the many ways that he helps the SDMB. He may not have changed the pet issue that each person on the board wants fixed, but he’s done a lot for the board in general. In MY opinion (and maybe not his), he takes a lot of grief from several people on this board. I’m grateful that he continues to show up and help out. Here’s just a few exam… 🤷‍♂️ ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2021, 11:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/52 "2021-05-15T11:28:05Z")
> [@BrickBat](#): > > Passive-aggressive response: You move at least two states away. For this case, I think it would be passive-aggressive to say ‘sure’ to the request, and then don’t follow through, don’t answer your phone, and when pressed on the matter, just say ‘oh we were busy that day. Every day.’ You’re signaling that you’re having none of the bullshit, by not engaging with it except to offer a laughably flimsy excuse for it. To me the strict definition of passive aggression is literally just that, _passive_. It involves me consciously _not_ taking an action, consciously failing to meet an expectation in order to express defiance or disapproval. But the looser definition has far more currency - aggressively signaling defiance or disapproval, but without direct conversation or a direct physical alteraction. ---
**Author:** ![Ulfreida](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ulfreida/32/8014_2.png) [@Ulfreida](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulfreida)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2021, 11:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/53 "2021-05-15T11:52:47Z")
What I have observed is that people who are unhappy about someone else but do not feel it is acceptable or useful to be direct about it (these reasons can be complicated) will try some other way to get what they want. This is why women are often accused of being too subtle or too indirect or “passive-aggressive”. Because it is culturally unacceptable to be direct. This can be so indoctrinated into a person that it is essentially impossible for them to speak directly about what they want to happen. My late mother-in-law, an olde Virginia debutante, was kind of a Grand Master at it. Example: staying at her house, I go out for an early morning walk, and come back in as she is making breakfast. She says, Aren’t you cold? I say, surprised, no, it must be 75 degrees out there already. Later my husband explained that what she meant was “you should be wearing a bra.” The combination of strongly-held beliefs about how people should behave, and the conviction that just saying what you want will humiliate you, or make someone angry at you or at least judge you for being a bossy asshole, and in any case will not get the behavior change you desire, creates this kind of pent-up angry behavior. In my MIL’s case, it was the way she communicated about everything, and it drove me crazy. I could never tell what the hell subtext I was supposed to be reading. Apparently it is a southern female thing, exaggerated in her case because she was a very dominating personality with a goodly streak of sadism. ---
**Author:** ![Aspidistra](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspidistra/32/3894_2.png) [@Aspidistra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspidistra)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2021, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/54 "2021-05-15T22:08:05Z")
> [@doreen](#): > > That works - but a more common passive-aggressive response is that you agree to lunch every Saturday - and then on most Saturdays you can’t make it, so sorry, some sort of schedule conflict. So that you actually see grandma on _your_ schedule- but never actually tell her you’re not going to follow _hers._ I don’t think that’s a passive-aggressive response - that’s a conflict-avoidant one. That’s the sort of response you see if grandma is the psychologically dominant one in the relationship and grandkid is too nervous or shy to just express what they want (and also possibly in cases where grandkid gets a world of shit for ever saying what they want if it’s in conflict with someone else’s wishes, so have learned not to do that) I wouldn’t label it passive-_aggressive_ unless there’s at least some element of trying to make the other person hurt, rather than just trying to get what you want without ever verbally disagreeing with someone. ---
**Author:** ![Riemann](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/riemann/32/3133_2.png) [@Riemann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Riemann)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2021, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/55 "2021-05-15T23:22:07Z")
> [@Aspidistra](#): > > I don’t think that’s a passive-aggressive response - that’s a conflict-avoidant one. I think conflict avoidance would usually include some element of _acceding_ to the domineering person’s wishes? In this scenario, it seems to me that they are completely _defying_ those wishes, which entails the aggressive component. ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2021, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/56 "2021-05-15T23:52:42Z")
Every time I see the thread title I want to answer it with “ **What’s a quick and simple way to explain passive aggressive?** Well, I can’t help but wonder if it wouldn’t be better for you to figure that out for yourself…” … I see plenty of passive-aggressive behavior at work and with extended family. Some of whom are from Minnesota, where people are notoriously polite. But it’s sometimes used to mask their real feelings (not unlike the Southern “Well, bless her heart…”). After one such story, I asked “So, should the term ‘Minnesota Nice’ really be ‘Minnesota Passive-Aggressive’?” (All the relatives from _"Up Dere, Hey_" agreed that it should.) ---
**Author:** ![Aspidistra](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspidistra/32/3894_2.png) [@Aspidistra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspidistra)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2021, 6:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/57 "2021-05-16T06:22:14Z")
I don’t think so, because the direct version of this - “Sorry, I’m afraid we can’t make more than one Sunday a month”, or whatever - is not aggressive at all - it’s assertive. People have the right to choose their own social schedules. I’m not saying it’s good communication, mind you, just that it’s not aggressive. Crucially, in that scenario, grandkid is not trying to control anything that grandma does … only what _they themselves_ do. Contrast @Ulfreida’s mother-in-law … her communication strategy is passive, but it’s also aggressive, because she’s trying to control Ulfreida inappropriately (Ulfreida is in charge of what clothes she puts on her own body) ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2021, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/58 "2021-05-16T14:03:31Z")
That’s an excellent distinction. Continuing down that road a bit … There are two distinct scenarios for P-A. Situations, such as at work, where whoever is making demands has some formal authority to make demands. e.g. the Boss. And whoever is resisting the demands has some formal obligation to comply with (most of) them. e.g. the Worker. And conversely, situations such as you cite where @Ulfreida’s MIL has zero such authority. A fun subset of Door #2 is when somebody, eg. @Ulfreida’s MIL mistakenly believes that she does have such authority. So MIL is thinking Door #1 and @Ulfreida’s thinking Door #2. Hijinks ensue. Unhappy hijinks. ---
**Author:** ![Rebo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rebo/32/13005_2.png) [@Rebo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rebo)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2021, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/59 "2021-05-18T18:27:43Z")
Several great examples at this link. > **[Passive-Aggressive Notes That Work Every Time – Page 12](https://myhealthgazette.com/passive-aggressive-notes-is-m/12/)** ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2021, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/60 "2021-05-20T17:19:15Z")
Mislabeling various behaviors and personalities one dislikes as “passive-aggressive” is a form of passive aggression. 😐 ---
**Author:** ![JohnGalt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johngalt/32/184_2.png) [@JohnGalt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnGalt)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2021, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080/61 "2021-05-22T02:43:58Z")
One my daughter wrote for her college roommates: “Replacing the empty toilet paper roll does not cause cancer.” Points out some behavior you’d like to see changed without actually saying so. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-a-quick-and-simple-way-to-explain-passive-aggressive/942080.md?page=2)