# What's been your favorite spam literature? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 4, 2006, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-been-your-favorite-spam-literature/379043 "2006-11-04T00:53:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![ElvisL1ves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@ElvisL1ves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElvisL1ves)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2006, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-been-your-favorite-spam-literature/379043/1 "2006-11-04T00:53:25Z")
I rarely even click on the damn stuff, but once in a while I get bored and see what kind of crap they’re peddling now. I gotta admit, though, that the spammers’ efforts to get through the filters by using real words and grammar are ingenious. And sometimes hilarious. Here’s one I just got, wrapped around a graphic of an ad for herbal Viagra or something. Hell, I’ve read worse poetry: > [@](#): > > A garbage can is somewhat precise. The surly pickup truck steals pencils from a line dancer for the tornado. Some wheelbarrow is ridiculously mean-spirited. When the pathetic fairy rejoices, some earring gets stinking drunk. A spider of a nation conquers the familiar microscope. > > Any fundraiser can find lice on another green industrial complex, but it takes a real bottle of beer to sanitize a briar patch toward a CEO. Some turkey can be kind to a shabby wedding dress. Now and then, a nation over a dust bunny plans an escape from a girl scout an almost paternal fire hydrant. A tornado can be kind to the turkey for the hole puncher. A hole puncher toward a fire hydrant competes with the paper napkin. Another infected chain saw. > > Could be, could forbid her last planet building. The truth in from it. without warning. - when them. She flashed him to the elected by humanoids, reptiloids, fishoids, walking treeoids and bring them to the doors in the three sat humped, useful little callousness. The that, out there, completely dead. Ford gazed was desperately by His whiskers finger all over. - he hooted and their mark, - daft as we knew where he been gathering material on switch. Monstrous shadows loomed again. The point > > A hardly most difficult hole puncher, a mastadon, and the globule inside a minivan are what made America great! Some tuba player of a fairy recognizes a cough syrup defined by a parking lot, but an anomaly from a paycheck competes with the cheese wheel around the abstraction. A rattlesnake ridiculously trades baseball cards with a Eurasian spider. Furthermore, some feline salad dressing meditates, and a steam engine almost plans an escape from the spider a grain of sand. The fire hydrant for a tuba player seldom brainwashes a slow cocker spaniel, because an ocean over a ball bearing steals pencils from a bartender toward the buzzard. I don’t get what he has against tuba players, though. Anybody got anything else as good? ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2006, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-been-your-favorite-spam-literature/379043/2 "2006-11-04T01:04:05Z")
Weird. It’s like it takes wee snippets from random eBooks and slaps them together in some sort of vaguely conjugated language form. This: > [@](#): > > humanoids, reptiloids, fishoids, walking treeoids and is a snippet from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, taken right after “In all the worlds inhabited by […]” and before “[…] hyper-intelligent shades of the colour blue” I just emptied my spam box though so I won’t have any significant quantity of inbox poetry for … oh, about an hour. ---
**Author:** ![Lissa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/85f322/32.png) [@Lissa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lissa)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2006, 5:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-been-your-favorite-spam-literature/379043/3 "2006-11-04T05:36:57Z")
I had to check my inbox after reading this. I’ve never checked my spam for blank verse poetry before. Didn’t know what I was missing. This gem is apparently entitled “Biddable and Corrode”, or at least that’s what was in the subject line. > [@](#): > > La la la la la, la la la la la la la, la la la la la la la, la la la la la la la la la la la la la, so - Barnaby The Bear’s my name, never call me Jack or James, I will sing my way to fame, Barnaby the Bear’s my name. > Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. > Thunder, thunder, thundercats, Ho! Thundercats are on the move, Thundercats are loose. > Time - we’ll fight against the time, and we’ll fly on the white wings of the wind. 80 days around the world, no we won’t say a word before the ship is really back. > When the going gets tough, he’s really rough, with a Hong Kong Phooey chop (Hi-Ya!). > Down the road, that’s where I’ll always be. > Barnaby The Bear’s my name, never call me Jack or James, I will sing my way to fame > Children of the sun, see your time has just begun, searching for your ways, through adventures every day. > I might jump an open drawbridge, or Tarzan from a vine. ‘Cause I’m the unknown stuntman that makes Eastwood look so fine. > If you’ve got a problem chum, think how it could be. > Straight’nin’ the curve, flat’nin’ the hills. > Hong Kong Phooey, he’s fan-riffic! > Knight Rider, a shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a man who does not exist. > When the going gets tough, he’s really rough, with a Hong Kong Phooey chop (Hi-Ya!). > He’s goin’ everywhere, B.J. > Hong Kong Phooey, number one super guy. > He just keeps on movin’, ladies keep improvin’, every day is better than the last. > New dreams and better scenes, and best of all I don’t pay property tax. > Rollin’ down to Dallas, who’s providin’ my palace, Not quite as lyrical as the OP, but it’s got a beat and you can dance to it. ---
**Author:** ![Johanna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johanna/32/8318_2.png) [@Johanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johanna)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2006, 7:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-been-your-favorite-spam-literature/379043/4 "2006-11-04T07:04:49Z")
Speaking of literature, I think I once got a large chunk from a Jane Austen novel, reproduced verbatim. Can’t go back and check, I never save any. I practically never look at them, either, and if it weren’t for threads like this one would have no idea of the found poetry I’ve been missing. ---
**Author:** ![freckafree](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freckafree/32/3050_2.png) [@freckafree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/freckafree)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2006, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-been-your-favorite-spam-literature/379043/5 "2006-11-04T14:54:19Z")
The piece of spam is long gone, but I got one a couple of years ago that, rather than having whole paragraphs of machine-generated text, appeared to have words randomly insterted into text that otherwise described the product. Thus, the spam, which was promoting penis enlargement, contained some exhortation about how impressed your girlfriend would be with your “massive chinchilla.” My sisters and I have adopted “massive chinchilla” as the euphemism of choice. It has so much more panache than “dong.” ---
**Author:** ![Dervorin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Dervorin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dervorin)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2006, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-been-your-favorite-spam-literature/379043/6 "2006-11-04T20:10:45Z")
I’m rather fond of some of the Tolkien-inspired randomness I’ve got lately. Unfortunately, I don’t have an example to hand, but I’m sure it’s just a matter of time. ---
**Author:** ![Sternvogel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc79bd/32.png) [@Sternvogel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sternvogel)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2006, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-been-your-favorite-spam-literature/379043/7 "2006-11-04T20:42:34Z")
I was inspired by this thread to check my “Bulk” mail folder, where I found this gem of Dickensian prose: [Quote=Dino Magee] And how she spoke to me of dog, sitting at the window in the dark; broke up the establishment. I have been living in a furnished the dinner were being put away; and I strolled off by myself among appointment at the Bank. With that he fairly ran away; and to the Is that all? repeated my aunt. Why, yes, thats all, except, I left off trying to go to sleep, and saw the sun shining in Dont you think, said Traddles, you could copy writings, sir, if with both hands: Splendid, you know, said Traddles, indeed. I hope you wont think it selfish, Copperfield, if I to table together. We had not been seated long, when I saw an I knew how quick she always was to divine the truth, and that she so much joy. What time Miss Mills sat looking at the moon, are stronger in the end than any evil or misfortune in the world. aunts birds hanging, just as they had hung so long in the parlour underlet, and that I dont believe. The last man died here. Five myself in no agreeable light. Sordid and selfish as I knew it was, absolute certainty of having seen him before, and we both said, Ah. Mercy upon us. sighed my aunt. I know all about it, Trot. mention it, Copperfield, I shouldnt wonder at all. I assure you Traddles, and I now hold in my hand, a document, which accomplishes all the time we were at work; and made our breakfast, which we took where my means of subsistence were to come from, unless I could She asked me this so kindly, and with such a gentle air, half considering cap on. His papers were in a little confusion, in way - fishing up treasure, or some such Tom Tiddler nonsense, I knew my aunt sufficiently well to know that she had something of a general idea that I was getting on. I made it a rule to take as On my word, sir. I returned, answering in our old school manner. yet more precious and more innocent to me. Oh, Agnes, sister of my who always volunteered that information to whomsoever would Agnes had listened at first with suspended breath. Her colour his former self; though there was a settled depression upon him, young friend, you have hit it. It IS the Dictionary. [/Quote] ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2006, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-been-your-favorite-spam-literature/379043/8 "2006-11-05T15:49:58Z")
Just got one about periods labeled “At in eructation.” They’re very multi-faceted, you know. > [@](#): > > companies like this can ship their products around the . that would allow our seniors and disabled to stay in . The bottom line is that sunscreens have disabled the body’s . With regard to motor vehicle safety regulations that pertain to . are stout enough to haul a disabled military tank . to features available for years in rival products. The technologies and the products and the services. dealt with in my adult life,A including people who don . and other malicious programs, are disabled by default . > well-known, trustworthy sites so most people will never . In Table of Malcontents. are stout enough to haul a disabled military tank . last year - and safety lights still sold by Lucas Auto Products. > of security in the minds of people who are . With regard to motor vehicle safety regulations that pertain to . > well-known, trustworthy sites so most people will never . For the physically disabled, the phone can be . > of security in the minds of people who are . > By Luke O’Brien and Kristen Philipkoski. In Table of Malcontents. ---
**Author:** ![Johanna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johanna/32/8318_2.png) [@Johanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johanna)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2006, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-been-your-favorite-spam-literature/379043/9 "2006-11-06T15:52:02Z")
And to think Robert Anton Wilson was advocating the “cut up” method of literary composition. Take a pre-existing text. Cut it into pieces. Throw them up into the air and stick them back together in whatever random order you pick them up. It looks like someone has invented an algorithm to do this to electronic text. ---
**Author:** ![ElvisL1ves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@ElvisL1ves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElvisL1ves)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-been-your-favorite-spam-literature/379043/10 "2006-12-16T18:34:33Z")
Got another classic today: ## He heard the kitchen screen door bang shut and eased the wheelchair close enough to the window so he could remain in an angle of shadow and still peek out. The first sweep of the axe did no more than knock the wind from him - this was really what he thought until he landed on the carpet smelling his own blood. ÍNDUSTRIAL MINERALS Symbol: IDSM.OB Currentt Pricee: .16 Fivee-Day Targett: .90 Rating: STROONG Buy. - I want to make sure you dont want me to go back to town and get you a tape recorder, or maybe a special pair of writing slippers, or something like that. He had thought she was putting on an editors hat - maybe even trying on a collaborators chapeau, preparing to tell him what to write and how to write it. ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2006, 5:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-been-your-favorite-spam-literature/379043/11 "2006-12-17T05:12:49Z")
[QUOTE=Johanna] And to think Robert Anton Wilson was advocating the “cut up” method of literary composition. Take a pre-existing text. Cut it into pieces. Throw them up into the air and stick them back together in whatever random order you pick them up. It looks like someone has invented an algorithm to do this to electronic text. [/QUOTE] It’s a very old program. The algorithm goes back to at least the early 1970s, and I can’t imagine the people who discovered it would go very long before implementing it. The most common implementation is currently called Dissociated Press. [Jargon File](http://catb.org/jargon/html/D/Dissociated-Press.html) [Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociated_press) ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2006, 5:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-been-your-favorite-spam-literature/379043/12 "2006-12-17T05:49:43Z")
[Some output from a classic Dissociated Press dating from 1978 at the earliest.](http://72.14.253.104/search?q=cache:d6X4QIA1iyMJ:zane.brouhaha.com/~healyzh/_teco_/dissoc.iate&hl=en&lr=&strip=1) The original file is on the PI disk dump, and is perfectly readable if you want to grab a PDP-10 emulator (I prefer KLH10) learn the Incompatiable Timesharing System. “You can hack anything you want With TECO and DDT!” – [Click the Song link on top to download the MP3](http://sdf.lonestar.org/twenex/) (This has been your daily allowance of extreme geekery. Please watch for stray UUOs. If you are having problems, schedule an appointment with Doctor Memory. Let us now have a moment of silence for Markov Cheney on the MTA.) ---
**Author:** ![Bambi\_Hassenpfeffer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Bambi\_Hassenpfeffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bambi_Hassenpfeffer)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2006, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-been-your-favorite-spam-literature/379043/13 "2006-12-17T06:17:33Z")
I was gonna start a thread for one-liners from spam just today, but this one’ll do. Recent developments: [ul][li]_Martyred and never to sleep with his ex-wife again, he was the darling of the literary community._[/li][li]_And I was inclined to be such a gomeral that ye cannae tell the tane frae the tither._[/li][li]_She thought the only danger of being noticed would come on Route 9, but even there the risk would be small - she only had to drive four miles of it. The open garbage can overflowed onto the floor and emitted the warm reek of spoiling food, but that wasn’t the only thing wrong, or the worst smell. There were perhaps seventy acres of open ground between the house and the edge of the forest - the snow-cover over it was a perfect and blazing white._[/li][li]_In his mind he heard the voice of Ronald Reagan in King’s Raw, shrieking “Wheres the rest of me?” On it were four dishes: wedges of lemon on one, grated egg on a second, toast points on a third._[/li][li]\*Paul did not need a notarised statement telegram to tell him that this was Annie’s sainted mother, along with dirty birdie and fiddle-de-foof and all the others which I’m sure will come up in time. _[/li][_]\*Not so high as the one she’ll make you pay if you cant get this goddam door closed again, Paulie. He looked up at her, tears flowing down his cheeks, and played the absolute last card in his hand. \*[/ul] ---
**Author:** ![Argent\_Towers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e8c25b/32.png) [@Argent\_Towers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Argent_Towers)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2006, 8:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-been-your-favorite-spam-literature/379043/14 "2006-12-17T08:39:16Z")
Not very literary, but I got one email with the subject line: Fuk on farm 🙂 from “Angus Abdul.” I couldn’t get the image of a kilt-wearing, turbaned Arab/Scotsman leering and smiling as he offered me bestiality porn. ---
**Author:** ![dogbutler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dogbutler/32/428_2.png) [@dogbutler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dogbutler)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2006, 9:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-been-your-favorite-spam-literature/379043/15 "2006-12-17T09:03:02Z")
[QUOTE=Argent Towers] Not very literary, but I got one email with the subject line: Fuk on farm 🙂 from “Angus Abdul.” I couldn’t get the image of a kilt-wearing, turbaned Arab/Scotsman leering and smiling as he offered me bestiality porn. [/QUOTE] 72 virgin sheep?