# What's goin' on?... with my daughter. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 13, 2002, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-goin-on-with-my-daughter/128284 "2002-09-13T14:16:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Tortuga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c4cdca/32.png) [@Tortuga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tortuga)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-goin-on-with-my-daughter/128284/41 "2002-09-14T04:48:29Z")
I once spent a hellish weekend after my habitual Friday night phone call with my mother in which she mentioned “Oh yeah, your doctor’s office called and left a message that you should call regarding your pap smear results.” With pap smears, no news is supposed to be good news, and my body had been behaving oddly… I spent the weekend worrying about the big C, called them first thing on Monday morning and found out that my pap was fine, no one from their office called, and there was no worker by the name left that worked there. Chalk me up as relieved and really ticked. Whether it was some idea of a joke (though there isn’t anyone I know who who do that, really) or some strange new twist in telemarketing, I know not, and care not. I offer this anecdote as support for the joke/incompetence options raised by others. ---
**Author:** ![Craneop2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6bbea6/32.png) [@Craneop2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Craneop2)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-goin-on-with-my-daughter/128284/42 "2002-09-14T05:07:40Z")
One theory that I haven’t seen mentioned here is the just maybe this particular clinic may have a job couseling and/or personality to future career matching program? She may have taken a test at school that she might have never known that it was connected with a study or anything clinical in nature. That would explain why she hadn’t heard of the lady that called.It would also explain the “options.” Seems like a viable theory to me. BTW I also offer Kudos for your handling of the situation so far!! I raised 3 girls of my own and and proud of all 3. I KNOW how easy it is to automatically think in the negative. Just a thought… ---
**Author:** ![GopherGod72](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f0a364/32.png) [@GopherGod72](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GopherGod72)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-goin-on-with-my-daughter/128284/43 "2002-09-14T06:11:09Z")
You sound like a good dad for a teenage girl to have. Too many kids dont have that kind of support structure these days… even if (im sure) theres nothing really wrong. ---
**Author:** ![GopherGod72](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f0a364/32.png) [@GopherGod72](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GopherGod72)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 6:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-goin-on-with-my-daughter/128284/44 "2002-09-14T06:20:49Z")
BTW… even if it IS the big preggo. My nephew and his GF got pregnent at age 18, seniors in HS. Its been less then a year but they are doing good. Both going to college and working, even living together on their own with a baby and juggling it all. That little boy is a jem and joy to both families the light of our lives. Again a tribute to a strong support structure and lots of love. So if she IS pregnant… well its not the best time for sure but it may SURE not be the worst thing to happen to a family especially in the long run. Once you’d hold the grandchild I’m sure you would see that. Once again though… my guess is you dont have to worry about it. Parental concern may be clouding the vision. 😉 Best of luck! ---
**Author:** ![honkytonkwillie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@honkytonkwillie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/honkytonkwillie)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 8:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-goin-on-with-my-daughter/128284/45 "2002-09-14T08:18:20Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ace0Spades \*Just say “I accept that, and now that you’re 18, you’re responsible for more of your life. I’m still your father, and you still live here, and I still love you, and I’ll always be concerned, **but we hopefully we won’t have to discuss this again.** Good night.” (bolding mine) That’s _one_ way to never have the subject brought up again. I’d have left this part out. And lots of people are giving **Algernon** kudos for respecting his daughter’s privacy and not prying. I can’t say that I’d do the same. I’d look up the phone number (or even “misdial” it) and find out who the doctor is. And then find out what the doctor’s primary field of practice is. And then I’d have some clue as to what I might be looking out for. Dishonorable? Maybe. But I can deal with that. I can handle information, no matter how bad, much better than I can handle not knowing. But that’s just me. How I ever got the guile of a Klingon in me, I’ll never know. My parents have always asserted they’re fully human. Or only human. Something like that. ---
**Author:** ![LifeOnWry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/96bed5/32.png) [@LifeOnWry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LifeOnWry)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-goin-on-with-my-daughter/128284/46 "2002-09-14T14:30:44Z")
Call me a prying parent, but I’m with **honkytonkwillie**. I’d LIKE to be as respectful of my daughter’s privacy/maturity as **Algernon** , but I suspect I’d be a nutcase and start investigating. If I had any reason to suspect that my child was in trouble and my choices were “respect her privacy” or “get to the bottom of this fast”, I’d be opeing mail, looking for a diary and \*69-ing til my fingers fell off. Let me reiterate this part - I’d LIKE to handle it as well as **Algernon**. I just know myself better than that. ---
**Author:** ![Geobabe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/geobabe/32/3908_2.png) [@Geobabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Geobabe)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-goin-on-with-my-daughter/128284/47 "2002-09-14T15:06:28Z")
I was thinking along the lines of **even sven** , that medical professionals won’t discuss anything with anyone other than the patient, because of privacy issues. Especially since she is now 18, they likely wouldn’t tell you anything even though you are her parents. So the woman who called didn’t handle it very well, but simply that she wouldn’t tell you anything is not necessarily cause for concern. ---
**Author:** ![SpaceDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spacedog/32/9932_2.png) [@SpaceDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SpaceDog)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-goin-on-with-my-daughter/128284/48 "2002-09-14T15:58:45Z")
I am not a parent, but let me add my voice to those that have said you handled this very well. I hope this thread has shown that there are various innocent reasons for the call. As to the point that your daughter may be covering and have her reaction planned, I doubt it. I’m male so have never really covered the “I’m pregnant” scenario, but I do tend to think through things before I talk to people, I’ll cast my mind back to that sort of age. If your daughter went to the clinc, for some reason she doesn’t wish to share at the moment, then I doubt her response would be one like “I have no idea”. If it was me I would have come up with something more like “I went for reason X, and there’s nothing to worry about”. That way my parents would worry less. In addition to that I’d have made damn sure they didn’t have my home phone, does she have a cell phone number she could have used ? Having said that, if there was something wrong and I wanted to talk to my parents I’d make sure I knew and understood all the options first. So she might be putting things off until she’s investigated further. I’d echo the “Don’t panic” comments above, and also say that given what you’ve said my money would be on it being either a scheduled physical or test (related to her age, or recent injury) or a random follow up phone call to some box she ticked (i.e. considering working in a clinc). Be proud of yourselves for being good parents, and continue to do what your doing. Don’t let your worring descend into snooping, it doesn’t help in the long run. SD ---
**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-goin-on-with-my-daughter/128284/49 "2002-09-14T19:17:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Algernon \* > \*\*In case someone posts and doesn’t get a response from me it’s because I’m leaving now to go to a funeral visitation. ::sigh:: It’s been a helluva week. > > Per my OP, when I find out “what’s goin’ on” with my daughter, I’ll post it. > > Once again, I appreciate all the words of encouragement. > > And because I’m a pretty good typist and speller, I sure hate to see my mistakes in my posts… for example “split” instead of “spilt”… screwing up my father-in-law’s quote… oh well. You all got the point anyway. \*\* Spelling mistakes aside, it sounds like you handled this admirably. However, your second paragraph gives me pause. If your daughter didn’t want to discuss it with you that night, and even if she does involve you in the near future, do you really think she’ll want you to share this information with 25,000 strangers on a message board? Sure, I’m curious but I’ll respect your daughter’s privacy and avoid this thread in the future in case you post details. If you do decide to post, just let us know that it was no big deal after all, or if _shudder_ it happens to be some big life-threatening situation that you absolutely have no clue in what to do, at least be vague or let her know you might be seeking advice from a message board. I don’t mean to be prude but volunteering to discuss someone’s intimate medical details on a public forum without their consent isn’t very classy in my opinion. I would word any future posts about that very carefully. Nonetheless, good vibes heading your way for less than earth-shattering news from your daughter. ---
**Author:** ![monica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a183cd/32.png) [@monica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monica)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-goin-on-with-my-daughter/128284/50 "2002-09-14T22:13:35Z")
Your daughter is in the last year of high school. I have no idea what this Medical College is, but is it possible that she is considering undergrad there? Or maybe a summer internship? However, I would like to point out from the perspective of a teen with very good parents, that there is no way that I would tell my parents if I got pregnant unless I absolutely have to. I would act through it too. However, also from my teen experience, I would like to point out that my parents can almost always tell if something is wrong or if I’m lying. I can’t hide it from them well at all. If she was lying about something that big, she probably would have been a bit emotional from the stress of the situation and you would have been able to pick up on the fact. ---
**Author:** ![jmpride62](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@jmpride62](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jmpride62)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2002, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-goin-on-with-my-daughter/128284/51 "2002-09-14T22:51:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Alto \* > \*\*I think it must be a practical joke. What reputable clinic committed to confidentiality would call up and say, in effect, “Hello parent, we’re going to indicate to you that your daughter has a medical secret but we’re not going to tell you what it is.” Surely a clinic would have enough experience with a common situation to have a better technique than that! \*\* That was my thought. Since the caller identified herself as a person from the medical center and disclosed that she wanted to discuss “options” with your daughter, it would definitely be a violation of patient confidentially in my opinion. I work at a hospital, and we would **never** make a call like that to someone’s home. Since you had the number, did you call to make sure that it was legit - at least to hear who answered the phone? ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2002, 11:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-goin-on-with-my-daughter/128284/52 "2002-09-20T11:29:58Z")
Update? ---
**Author:** ![Algernon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a183cd/32.png) [@Algernon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Algernon)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2002, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-goin-on-with-my-daughter/128284/53 "2002-09-20T14:03:34Z")
(sigh) The long explanation I posted Monday is of course, now lost for all time. And I deleted the text from my PC after it successfully posted so I don’t have anything to recover. Interestingly enough, during the SDMB hiatus of a couple of days, additional information came to light. I’ll try to reconstruct the gist of the post, and then provide the update. First I went name-by-name and responded to each person who posted a response that I hadn’t yet acknowledged (numerous people posted to the thread over the weekend). I won’t try to recreate that. If you are one of those posters and didn’t see my acknowledgement on Monday before we lost the SDMB, please accept this in its place: “Thanks for posting.” * * * Here’s pretty much what I said last Monday… There is a sort of familial version of Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle occurring in the Algernon household. In this situation, it seems to us that Truth and Trust cannot both be fully experienced. The stronger we desire to have Trust, the less certain we are of the Truth. And we believe that the more doggedly we pursue the Truth, the less Trust we would experience. Therefore, we’ve decided not to pry. The relationship with our daughter is more important to us than being certain about all the facts. She’s apparently dealing with medical professionals so she’s in good hands (except for the incompetent caller). But this decision is situational. Given other circumstances we might have come to the conclusion that some posters said they’d come to… namely to dig and dig until the factual answer of “what’s goin’ on” was known. I understand the urge to “know” however. After that inconclusive and somewhat unsatisfying dialogue with Algernette that night, my wife turned to me and said “I should’ve called the number.” It’s a moot point now. We no longer have the paper message that contained the name and number. And “star-69” disappeared into history as soon as we got the next incoming call. Rather than nag her along the lines of “did you call the number and what did they say?”, we decided just to remind her to return the call. She just cheerily responded “Yep”. We do not believe she is pregnant. She is behaving too normally. And the more I think about her reaction to the suggestion (pretty much a rolled-eye you’ve-got-to-be-kidding denial), the more I believe that she’s not even sexually active. (I recognize that this could be wishful thinking. ~grin~) We do not believe it is a practical joke or a mistaken call. If Algernette had determined that it was something along these lines, she’d have let us know. We do not believe it’s academic or job related. The Medical College does not offer undergraduate degrees, and she already has two jobs she loves. She’s never expressed any interest in going into the medical field. We do not believe she was acting on behalf of a friend. This conclusion is more subjective. Call it gut feel. Again, her behavior has absolutely no evasiveness about it. That pretty much leaves the option that she was inquiring about birth control, which is what we now believe. Mrs. Algernon is going to have another discussion with her about the wisdom (or lack thereof) of becoming sexually active in high school. She’s bright. We trust her to make good decisions. She knows we love her unconditionally. She knows that if she’s ever in trouble, she’ll not have to face it alone, because we won’t abandon her. She knows we care. While this may not satisfy all of you out there, it is sufficient for us. We’re comfortable with the uncertainty of what that phone call was truly about. Thanks for everyone who posted. I appreciate the support and encouragement. The SDMB can be a wonderful community in a time of emotional need. There is one not-so-small irony. We clearly have given the impression to Algernette that we believe there is a strong possibility that she is sexually active. It would be a small step for her to conclude “Hmmmm. My parents already think I’m having sex. I might as well live up to their expectations.” Damn. Irony is so, well, ironic. * * * Now for the “rest of the story”… Let me set the timeline. Today is Friday. Last Thursday is when we got the original call. Last Friday I posted to the SDMB. Monday I posted the update. The SDMB goes down for a few days. The following occurred on Wednesday night, the night before last. Once again, we’re in bed reading. Algernette comes home from work. Kisses us good-night, gets ready for bed. As she goes down the hallway from the bathroom to her bedroom she calls out “Oh, I forgot to tell you.” She pokes her head into our room. “The Medical College called because the insurance company didn’t cover all the costs for my broken nose, and they want $250. I don’t know why they called me. I told them Dad would take care of it. Good night.” My wife and I turn to each other, “What???” and then almost literally do this ===\> :smack: :smack: To all the posters who suggested that the reason would turn out to be innocuous (most of you actually), you get a prize for being right (ummm, but don’t hover around your mailbox waiting for it). I think **Sue Duhnym** came closest to the truth. Responding to her earlier in this thread, I said… > [@](#): > > Your question about whether or not she’s been ill lately does bring to mind that a few months ago she severely broke her nose and we spent an evening in the Emergency Room at Children’s Hospital, which is affiliated with the Medical College. Why they would call about this now however is beyond my imagination. And that wouldn’t explain their reticence to tell us why they were calling. It still boggles my mind that they would’ve called for Algernette rather than me, and that they wouldn’t disclose why they were calling. But I’ve checked, and sure enough, the insurance company has not paid $250 of the total bill, so I have to. The “options” they alluded to were probably payment options. I don’t regret the decisions we made about how to handle this. But I have to confess that a lot of emotional trauma would’ve been avoided if we’d have just been devious and returned the original call pretending to be Algernette. That’s 20-20 hindsight though. Being devious could’ve easily backfired if the truth was far different than it turned out to be. Regardless of the events that transpired, in the end, if she didn’t know it before, Algernette now knows she has our love and support even in the most trying of circumstances. While she is probably laughing about all this with her friends, I hope deep down she a warm, comfortable feeling. ---
**Author:** ![dantheman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dantheman/32/9421_2.png) [@dantheman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dantheman)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2002, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-goin-on-with-my-daughter/128284/54 "2002-09-20T14:06:05Z")
I guess they talked to her and not you because she’s legally an adult now…right? ---
**Author:** ![Algernon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a183cd/32.png) [@Algernon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Algernon)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2002, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-goin-on-with-my-daughter/128284/55 "2002-09-20T14:20:57Z")
**dantheman** , good idea, and I considered that possibility. But I checked the invoice. I have it in front of me. In the box labeled “Patient name”, Algernette’s name appears. In the box labeled “Responsible party”, my name and address and phone number appears. Also, the invoice comes from the attending physician (affiliated with the Medical College), not the Hospital where we spent a long evening in the emergency room. Her birth date is not on the invoice. While the doctor could easily find out her age from the Hospital, I doubt if the caller knew. Go figure. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2002, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-goin-on-with-my-daughter/128284/56 "2002-09-20T14:27:57Z")
So she has successfully managed to keep you from hearing about the pregnancy clinic, huh? 😉 Glad things worked out. The things that give parents grey hair. My HS fresh daughter went on her first date the other week. No, I won’ thave any problem rationally dealing with this. Grrr! ---
**Author:** ![dantheman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dantheman/32/9421_2.png) [@dantheman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dantheman)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2002, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-goin-on-with-my-daughter/128284/57 "2002-09-20T14:31:43Z")
Forgot to add this - thank goodness it all worked out! See, you were right not to get all worked up. If only all parents were as laid back. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Algernon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a183cd/32.png) [@Algernon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Algernon)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2002, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-goin-on-with-my-daughter/128284/58 "2002-09-20T14:45:02Z")
**Dinsdale** , > [@](#): > > So she has successfully managed to keep you from hearing about the pregnancy clinic, huh? (laugh) I told you she was bright! And you make me smile regarding your high school freshman daughter’s first date. It’s a wonderful experience. Really. Honest. (Just don’t answer the phone.) **dantheman** , thank goodness indeed. I’m certainly not arrogant enought to claim that being laid back is right for everyone, but it seems to work for us. ---
**Author:** ![dantheman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dantheman/32/9421_2.png) [@dantheman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dantheman)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2002, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-goin-on-with-my-daughter/128284/59 "2002-09-20T15:11:52Z")
The thing is, **Algernon** , reading threads like this helps prepare me for the fateful day when I become a parent, too. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crankyasanoldman/32/11670_2.png) [@CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrankyAsAnOldMan)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2002, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-goin-on-with-my-daughter/128284/60 "2002-09-20T15:27:32Z")
Well, hearing the end of this story, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, but I’m going to file it away because I am a parent. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-goin-on-with-my-daughter/128284.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-goin-on-with-my-daughter/128284.md?page=4)