# What's more important: that you find your spouse/SO attractive or vice versa? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 2, 2019, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-more-important-that-you-find-your-spouse-so-attractive-or-vice-versa/833385 "2019-05-02T20:14:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Fotheringay-Phipps](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/d9b06d/32.png) [@Fotheringay-Phipps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fotheringay-Phipps)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2019, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-more-important-that-you-find-your-spouse-so-attractive-or-vice-versa/833385/1 "2019-05-02T20:14:53Z")
Choice between a spouse/SO that you find attractive but who does not find you attractive, or a spouse/SO that you do not find unattractive but who finds you attractive. Which situation do you prefer? Or more generally, which aspect is a bigger deal to you? I suspect there may be a gender divide on this issue. ---
**Author:** ![Staggerlee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/staggerlee/32/3134_2.png) [@Staggerlee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Staggerlee)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2019, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-more-important-that-you-find-your-spouse-so-attractive-or-vice-versa/833385/2 "2019-05-02T20:30:32Z")
I fail to see why the unattracted party would stick around in either scenario. I suppose if the question is whether I’d prefer to go off my wife, or have her go off me; I’d choose the former just so as to have the (desperately sad) upper hand. ---
**Author:** ![Fotheringay-Phipps](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/d9b06d/32.png) [@Fotheringay-Phipps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fotheringay-Phipps)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2019, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-more-important-that-you-find-your-spouse-so-attractive-or-vice-versa/833385/3 "2019-05-02T20:46:34Z")
> [@Staggerlee](#): > > I fail to see why the unattracted party would stick around in either scenario. The unattractive partner might have many other admirable qualities. Or they might have been attractive when you first started a family with them. ---
**Author:** ![Oredigger77](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/oredigger77/32/3181_2.png) [@Oredigger77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oredigger77)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2019, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-more-important-that-you-find-your-spouse-so-attractive-or-vice-versa/833385/4 "2019-05-02T21:03:46Z")
I’d rather be attracted to my wife and have her not attracted to me. Assuming we still fooled around at the same rate. I’m a dude if it wasn’t obvious. ---
**Author:** ![LiveFree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/5e9695/32.png) [@LiveFree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LiveFree)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2019, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-more-important-that-you-find-your-spouse-so-attractive-or-vice-versa/833385/5 "2019-05-02T21:37:53Z")
I guess I’d say that it’s more important for me to be attracted to my wife (although I’m not at the moment…long story). ---
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2019, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-more-important-that-you-find-your-spouse-so-attractive-or-vice-versa/833385/6 "2019-05-02T21:54:24Z")
We’re just talking about physical attraction, right? Looks and stuff? My answer might be different if we’re literally talking about being repulsed by the other’s presence. I’m a little torn. On the one hand I’d rather she found me attractive, because that makes it less likely that she’ll bail on me. I’d be satisfied just to have a caring companion. (I’m single, but I’ve been engaged, and it really wasn’t about looks for me.) The part that I’m torn on though is that I’m quite certain that it’s _impossible_ that any woman would ever find me physically attractive, so her losing her attraction to me would be no loss at all. So in that case I might as well preserve things where there’s something to preserve. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2019, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-more-important-that-you-find-your-spouse-so-attractive-or-vice-versa/833385/7 "2019-05-02T21:56:20Z")
I’d rather my spouse be attracted to me. At least it is (somewhat) in my power to make myself have feelings for her. Whereas I cannot control things the other way around. ---
**Author:** ![Zyada](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zyada/32/3028_2.png) [@Zyada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyada)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2019, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-more-important-that-you-find-your-spouse-so-attractive-or-vice-versa/833385/8 "2019-05-02T22:05:47Z")
My experience is that perceived physical attractiveness is a direct result of emotional attraction. IOW, if you don’t find your spouse attractive, you probably don’t love them very much. Or vice versa. If so, it’s time to get some relationship therapy or get off the pot. ---
**Author:** ![LiveFree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/5e9695/32.png) [@LiveFree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LiveFree)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2019, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-more-important-that-you-find-your-spouse-so-attractive-or-vice-versa/833385/9 "2019-05-02T22:20:28Z")
> [@Zyada](#): > > My experience is that perceived physical attractiveness is a direct result of emotional attraction. > > IOW, if you don’t find your spouse attractive, you probably don’t love them very much. Or vice versa. If so, it’s time to get some relationship therapy or get off the pot. Well said. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-more-important-that-you-find-your-spouse-so-attractive-or-vice-versa/833385/10 "2019-05-03T00:03:15Z")
Welcome back **F-P**! ---
**Author:** ![Tee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@Tee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tee)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-more-important-that-you-find-your-spouse-so-attractive-or-vice-versa/833385/11 "2019-05-03T00:52:57Z")
> [@](#): > > …or a spouse/SO that you do not find unattractive but who finds you attractive Did you mean spouse/SO that we do not find attractive? I wouldn’t have any confidence in a relationship where I wasn’t attractive to my SO. My own default state is if I like someone, he’s attractive, and the more I like him, the more adorable he gets. I like that feature. It’s never been any other way. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-more-important-that-you-find-your-spouse-so-attractive-or-vice-versa/833385/12 "2019-05-03T03:01:47Z")
I think it depends. Do we both agree on who is more attractive? Or is it possible for me to believe that my wife is the more attractive half of the couple while she either believes that I’m the more attractive one or that we’re both equally attractive? ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-more-important-that-you-find-your-spouse-so-attractive-or-vice-versa/833385/13 "2019-05-03T03:02:37Z")
My wife is not conventionally attractive, but I think she’s beautiful. I’ve always been attracted to personalities, not “beauty.” ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-more-important-that-you-find-your-spouse-so-attractive-or-vice-versa/833385/14 "2019-05-03T03:17:15Z")
> [@Fotheringay-Phipps](#): > > The unattractive partner might have many other admirable qualities. What do you think makes a SO physically attractive? Hint, you are getting warm without apparently realizing you are kinda sorta answering your own question. > [@Zyada](#): > > My experience is that perceived physical attractiveness is a direct result of emotional attraction. > > IOW, if you don’t find your spouse attractive, you probably don’t love them very much. Or vice versa. If so, it’s time to get some relationship therapy or get off the pot. I couldn’t have said it better. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-more-important-that-you-find-your-spouse-so-attractive-or-vice-versa/833385/15 "2019-05-03T05:01:25Z")
It needs to go both ways, otherwise and unless one side is so self-centered they can’t see beyond the end of their nose both sides will be dissatisfied. Why would I want to be with someone who finds being with me a chore, or who I find being with a chore? It’s supposed to be a relationship, not 24/7 unpaid labor. The attractiveness doesn’t need to be purely in terms of prettiness, but it needs to be there on both sides. And the same extrapolates to other kinds of relationships: why would anybody want to spend time with someone if it’s not enjoyable? Generic-you don’t need to find your friends attractive in a sexual sense, but you do need to find them attractive in a literal “being with them” sense. ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-more-important-that-you-find-your-spouse-so-attractive-or-vice-versa/833385/16 "2019-05-03T05:59:56Z")
> [@Zyada](#): > > My experience is that perceived physical attractiveness is a direct result of emotional attraction. > > IOW, if you don’t find your spouse attractive, you probably don’t love them very much. Or vice versa. If so, it’s time to get some relationship therapy or get off the pot. > [@RealityChuck](#): > > My wife is not conventionally attractive, but I think she’s beautiful. > > I’ve always been attracted to personalities, not “beauty.” Both of these need like buttons. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 11:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-more-important-that-you-find-your-spouse-so-attractive-or-vice-versa/833385/17 "2019-05-03T11:20:24Z")
My gf is attractive and I appreciate that my personality is so good that she is attracted to me. Life is good. ---
**Author:** ![Fotheringay-Phipps](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/d9b06d/32.png) [@Fotheringay-Phipps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fotheringay-Phipps)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-more-important-that-you-find-your-spouse-so-attractive-or-vice-versa/833385/18 "2019-05-03T12:48:54Z")
> [@Tee](#): > > Did you mean spouse/SO that we do not find attractive? Yes (sorry). > [@Ambivalid](#): > > What do you think makes a SO physically attractive? Hint, you are getting warm without apparently realizing you are kinda sorta answering your own question. Not really. Other factors can contribute to perceived attractiveness but don’t comprise all of it. But even this seems moot in context here. Bottom line is that imbalances can exist, whatever the cause (whether purely physical or otherwise). Question then is which is the bigger priority. ---
**Author:** ![Hermitian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hermitian/32/470_2.png) [@Hermitian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hermitian)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 1:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-more-important-that-you-find-your-spouse-so-attractive-or-vice-versa/833385/19 "2019-05-03T13:15:44Z")
Maybe I will buck the trend here a little bit and say that I can imagine being very emotionally attracted to someone but not physically attracted (and vice versa). Those two scales definitely affect one another but are not locked together. The stereotype (in my mind) is that those are less locked together for men than for women, but everyone is different. A lot of people are using the simple word “attractive” without differentiating the two. In my mind those can be very different so this seems odd. ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Hedonia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ann_hedonia/32/319_2.png) [@Ann\_Hedonia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Hedonia)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-more-important-that-you-find-your-spouse-so-attractive-or-vice-versa/833385/20 "2019-05-03T14:33:58Z")
> [@Zyada](#): > > My experience is that perceived physical attractiveness is a direct result of emotional attraction. > > IOW, if you don’t find your spouse attractive, you probably don’t love them very much. Or vice versa. If so, it’s time to get some relationship therapy or get off the pot. This. Like I said in another thread, don’t get involved with someone you’re not attracted to. It’s not fair to them. Or you. But attraction goes deeper than the physical. What matters is that you are attracted to each other, not how the world at large perceives your attractiveness. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-more-important-that-you-find-your-spouse-so-attractive-or-vice-versa/833385.md?page=2)