# What's on the perfect hamburger? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 20, 2001, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851 "2001-09-20T18:43:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/1 "2001-09-20T18:43:54Z")
My roommate and I were talking about hamburgers last night, and the question came up as to what the ideal toppings were. I came up with the following list:[ul] [li] Muenster[/li][li] Bacon[/li][li] Sour cream[/li][li] Dill relish[/li][li] Guacamole[/li][li] Tabasco sauce[/li][li] Sauerkraut[/li][li] Barbecue sauce[/ul][/li]I can’t remember my roommate’s list, and I might post it once he gets back from class. Of course, my list of toppings is probably different from yours. So how about it? What’s the ideal list of toppings for a hamburger? ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/2 "2001-09-20T18:48:11Z")
First, **Ultrafilter** , you put all that stuff on _at the same time_? Urgh. For me: [li]pickles [_]lettuce [_]mayo [_]ketchup [_]mustard[_]ripe, juicy tomatoes [_]grilled onions[/li]Will do nicely. I have _simple_ tastes. Oh, and _a herring!_ ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/3 "2001-09-20T18:51:40Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ShibbOleth \* > **First, Ultrafilter, you put all that stuff on _at the same time_? Urgh.** Yep. I happen to believe that the more flavors you have, the better. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/4 "2001-09-20T18:51:59Z")
Swiss cheese grilled onions grilled mushrooms sour cream medium-rare burger lightly toasted bun mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ---
**Author:** ![bernse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a9a28c/32.png) [@bernse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bernse)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/5 "2001-09-20T18:52:27Z")
I make this quite often on the George Forman Big Beef Patty Bacon Fresh Mushrooms Chedder -or- Swiss -or- Mozza Thousand Island Dressing Mayo Louisiana Hot Sauce Grilled Onion Oh yeah, and since its made on the Mean-Lean George Forman Grill, that means its healthy for you too! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![bouv](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bc8723/32.png) [@bouv](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bouv)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/6 "2001-09-20T19:00:15Z")
I am a believer of “simple is good.” BBQ Sauce Onions Pickles Bacon That’s it, that’s all that is needed. ---
**Author:** ![Athena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/35a633/32.png) [@Athena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Athena)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/7 "2001-09-20T19:05:32Z")
All of the above sound good - I can’t decide which is the best! But noone’s mentioned one of my favorites yet: Pepperjack cheese Onions Roasted Green Chili - as in, a whole roasted chili, not green chili sauce Ketchup, just a little to add some acid to bring out the other flavors. Yummmmm! ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/8 "2001-09-20T19:21:25Z")
The best burger I ever had at a restaurant topped with cajun spices, blue cheese and bacon. There’s a small local chain which has nearly every topping imaginable; I usually get one with cheese, bacon, lettuce, tomato, pickles, mustard, ketchup, and A-1. ---
**Author:** ![Skelji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b38774/32.png) [@Skelji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skelji)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/9 "2001-09-20T19:21:35Z")
Red onion slices, though grilled onions are also acceptable Mushrooms Swiss cheese Bacon Mayo & ketchup A well-done burger, too. I’ll take mine sans E-Coli, thanks. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![frock75](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ad7895/32.png) [@frock75](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/frock75)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/10 "2001-09-20T19:29:51Z")
“I like mine with lettuce and tomatoe. Heinze 57 and french-fried potatos. Big kosher pickle and a cold draft beer. Good God almighty which way do I steer, for a Cheese Burger in Paradise.” -Jimmy Buffett ---
**Author:** ![Fleetwood](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fleetwood/32/271_2.png) [@Fleetwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fleetwood)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/11 "2001-09-20T19:33:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Dire Wolf \* > \*\*Red onion slices \*\* Amen! ---
**Author:** ![Odieman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a87d85/32.png) [@Odieman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odieman)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/12 "2001-09-20T19:34:46Z")
A perfect burger has raw onion, a slice of tomato, medium cheddar cheese, mustard (yellow or dijon depending on my mood), a dab of HP sauce and :gasp:… a touch of Kraft Hamburger sauce (the fake Big Mac stuff). I once went to a burger place that had 50 topping you could put on your burger…they included peanut butter, asparagus (!) and escargot (!!). Keith ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/13 "2001-09-20T20:13:58Z")
Red onions - optional Mushrooms – Must have Bacon – mmmmm bacon Cheese – not picky, but no swiss or american BBQ Sauce & Mustard (Spicy brown) Lettuce – optional, though I kinda like the crispness Thick sourdough toasted bun Well done. ---
**Author:** ![Flymaster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c4cdca/32.png) [@Flymaster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flymaster)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/14 "2001-09-20T20:21:09Z")
The best is the Good Morning Burger: Bacon Swiss American Fried Egg Ketchup Medium rare Burger all served on a toasted English muffin. ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/15 "2001-09-20T20:26:08Z")
I revise my opinion every year or so. Currently, ketchup is on the outs (too sweet) and the **Ukuleleburger** is served on a lightly toasted roll, garnished with Dijon mustard Mayonnaise Raw onion Sliced dill gherkins …which actually makes it a hamburger variant on the classic **Sheboygan Double-Bratwurst Sandwich.** With Grey Poupon instead of whatever it is they use out there in Wisconsin. ---
**Author:** ![Diver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@Diver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diver)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/16 "2001-09-20T20:27:00Z")
Having been a fry cook in my high school days (back in the dark ages), I speak with some expertise. dill pickle lettuce mustard tomato onion No mayo (sissy burger) No ketchup (bloody burger) No mayo & ketchup (bloody sissy burger) ---
**Author:** ![GrizzRich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7ba0ec/32.png) [@GrizzRich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrizzRich)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/17 "2001-09-20T20:30:13Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by frock75 \* > \*\*“I like mine with lettuce and tomatoe. Heinze 57 and french-fried potatos. Big kosher pickle and a cold draft beer. Good God almighty which way do I steer, for a Cheese Burger in Paradise.” -Jimmy Buffett \*\* Dang it… You got to it before me! Another ParrotHead checks in. ---
**Author:** ![tsarina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f4b2a3/32.png) [@tsarina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tsarina)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/18 "2001-09-20T20:35:21Z")
I’m a wuss and don’t eat beef, so my perfect hamburger would have to be: - roasted garlic flavor Boca burger - honey mustard - little bit of ketchup - cheddar cheese slice - dill pickles up the ass (Jesus I love pickles!) - crunchy lettuce leaf - all on a thick, slightly toasted sesame seed bun [Homer voice] mmmm… [/Homer voice] ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/19 "2001-09-20T20:40:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Diver \* > **No mayo (sissy burger)** _HIJACK!_ This is as good a time as any to ask this. What is it that people have against mayonnaise on hamburgers? I often see the practice derided as “sissy,” or, even worse, “Californian.” Is it a simple matter of taste, or is it something deeper and darker and more primal, like **Unca Cecil’s** declaration regarding ketchup on a Chicago hot dog? Allow me to quote John Thorne, the best food writer in the USA since M.F.K. Fisher died: “The hamburger, the _real_ hamburger, is trash. When we’re in the mood for that kind of trash, however, nothing else will do. Bite into one and succulent juices immediately start dribbling down the chin. The teeth sink into the yielding softness of the bun, break through the crisp resistance of the pickle, close around a satisfying mouthful of meat. Melted cheese coats the roof of the mouth; the sweet-sour tang of ketchup, **velvetized by mayo,** smothers the taste buds in pleasure, lubricates the tongue…” ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/20 "2001-09-20T20:43:57Z")
Oooops, sorry! From John Thorne (with Matt Lewis Thorne); “Burger Heaven,” in SERIOUS PIG: AN AMERICAN COOK IN SEARCH OF HIS ROOTS, North Point Press, 1996. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851.md?page=2)