# What's on the perfect hamburger? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 20, 2001, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851 "2001-09-20T18:43:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![psychonaut](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/psychonaut/32/4655_2.png) [@psychonaut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/psychonaut)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/41 "2001-09-20T23:14:54Z")
I can’t believe that no one has yet suggested pickled beets (or beetroot, as it’s known Down Under). It’s a popular topping that is the default on many McDonald’s and other fast food burgers in Australia. I was skeptical of it myself until I tried it… now I put beets on all my hamburgers. Yum! Another interesting thing to try is Roquefort cheese, but only if you don’t mind the flavour of the cheese overpowering everything else on the burger… ---
**Author:** ![Wazza](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/35a633/32.png) [@Wazza](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wazza)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/42 "2001-09-21T00:57:52Z")
Australian checking in Beetroot is definantly a required element but the other one is a fried egg… Goes into the local takeaway A burger with the lot thanks Recieves Toasted bun, beef pattie topped with egg, beetroot, lettuce, tomato, fried onion, ketchup. Walks away happy ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/43 "2001-09-21T01:08:12Z")
I had a hamburger with fried egg on it for the first time yesterday. It was really good, and I may have to add that to my repertoire. Here’s my roommate’s recipe:[ul] [li] Muenster[/li][li] Mustard[/li][li] Sour cream[/li][li] Black olives[/li][li] Bacon[/li][li] Cheddar sauce[/ul][/li]He’s a bit less daring than I am when it comes to food. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/44 "2001-09-21T03:09:57Z")
salt and pepper chili sauce brown mustard mayo dill pickle chips sliced raw onion bacon Velveeta cheese (a food product that serves only one purpose and this is it) blue cheese dressing, the more pungent the better horseradish, ditto served on a non-toasted sesame seed bun ---
**Author:** ![A\_Friend\_of\_the\_Devil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f0a364/32.png) [@A\_Friend\_of\_the\_Devil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/A_Friend_of_the_Devil)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/45 "2001-09-21T03:26:03Z")
I have seen one of the world’s most reknowned chefs, the delightful Julia Childs, cook _a hamburger_ at least twice on television. Now that’s a chef I can relate to! As I recall, the dressings were the classics: toasted bun, cheddar cheese, pickle, lettuce, tomato, and mayo. Meat patty cooked in a cast iron pan, and the whole thing looked like the best meal I have ever seen a television chef prepare. Oh, and **Ukelele Ike** , if you would like to see every possible variety of bratwurst, just show up around Lambeau Field any game day about 2 hours before the kickoff. ---
**Author:** ![bernse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a9a28c/32.png) [@bernse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bernse)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/46 "2001-09-21T03:35:45Z")
Ohh! Almost forgot. Absolutely, positively must be on a fresh Kaiser bun with lots-o-sesame seeds. BTW - People, put some hot sauce on it. Nothing too wicked, thats why I like \*_Louisana Hot Sauce_. It just gives it an extra zing. ---
**Author:** ![Creaky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e68b1a/32.png) [@Creaky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Creaky)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/47 "2001-09-21T04:05:50Z")
White bread bun. Meat. Tons of salt. Slurp! ---
**Author:** ![Sultan\_Kinkari](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7bcc69/32.png) [@Sultan\_Kinkari](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sultan_Kinkari)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/48 "2001-09-21T04:22:15Z")
I’m sorry, but I have to do this. "Top Secret Recipes version of McDonald’s® Big Mac Sauce® (“Special Sauce”) by Todd Wilbur If you like Big Macs, it’s probably because of that tasty “secret” spread that is plopped onto both decks of the world’s most popular double-decker hamburger. So what’s so special about this sauce? After all, it’s basically just thousand island dressing, right? Pretty much. But this sauce has a bit more sweet pickle relish in it than a typical thousand island salad slather. Also, I found that this clone comes close to the original with the inclusion of French dressing. It’s an important ingredient - ketchup just won’t do it. That, along with a sweet & sour flavor that comes from vinegar and sugar, makes this sauce go well on any of your home burger creations, whether they’re Big Mac clones or not. This is the closest “special sauce” clone you’ll find anywhere. 1/2 cup mayonnaise 2 tablespoons French dressing 4 teaspoons sweet pickle relish 1 tablespoon finely minced white onion 1 teaspoon white vinegar 1 teaspoon sugar 1/8 teaspoon salt 1. Combine all of the ingredients in a small bowl. Stir well. 2. Place sauce in a covered container and refrigerate for several hours, or overnight, so that the flavors blend. Stir the sauce a couple of times as it chills. ([http://www.topsecretrecipes.com](http://www.topsecretrecipes.com)) Makes about 3/4 cup." ---
**Author:** ![MonkeyMensch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@MonkeyMensch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MonkeyMensch)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/49 "2001-09-21T04:25:48Z")
Well, I have to give y’all some important information that has been missed here, so far. Inre **ultrafilter** ’s “the more flavors, the better” theory: no, I must disagree. Here we are looking for a symphony, not a cacophony. We have a star performer and it’s the burger. Piling in more accompaniment will only confuse the issue. Inre **wump** ’s grinding up a baseball!? My God, man, you only get one or two of those per sirloin butt and their proper fate is to be grilled rare (or at most rare+). No, for a burger grind up some nice chuck yourself and you’ll be wondering what the Vons done the street has been selling you all these years. To the OP: Form your patty about 1/2" oversize in diameter so that the shrinkage in the cooking proces renders a finished burger the same diameter as your bun and leaves the all-important meat/bun/trimmings ratio constant through the entire feast. Nobody has mentioned this yet so I feel compelled to: the hamburger is a structure and as such order of assembly is vital. We don’t put our basements on top of our roofs now, do we? So, toast the bun lightly and place a single, full green leaf of iceberg lettuce folded to shape on the lower bun half. This will help protect the thin bread of that half from the dreaded “soaked-goo” syndrome that we all hate. Dress your upper bun half with some Gulden’s mustard and just a little Heinz ketchup and just a little good mayo. The ripe tomato slice goes on next. While the burger is cooking, by the way, be sure to season with a little salt and a good dusting of fresh cracked black pepper. Cheese, if used, is added at the end of the grilling to only warm the cheese, not to melt the snot out of it. So there you are with a prepped bottom and top bun and a cooked burger. Put the burger on the lower half and cover it with a generous slice of a sweet Walla-walla onion (they’re sweet and mild, so you can get away with a nice thick slice for texture), cover them all up with… Well I think you get my point. ---
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 7:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/50 "2001-09-21T07:02:59Z")
k2dave- Government cheese doesn’t melt. It’s made from used re-entry tiles off of the Space Shuttle. ---
**Author:** ![flodnak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/838e76/32.png) [@flodnak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flodnak)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 8:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/51 "2001-09-21T08:11:13Z")
Ahhh, a subject near and dear to the flodheart. Let’s start with the part yinz are neglecting, okay? The roll. It isn’t just there to keep your fingers clean, kids, it’s part of the experience. It should be something that you really have to chew. Slow down and savor the burger experience. Although I realize this will offend some smaller minds, I propose a kaiser roll. Now, of course, we have the patty. Lean enough not to be greasy, but not so lean as to be flavorless. Cheese. Though I love Cheddar, I submit that a proper Cheddar is too dry to melt properly, and by necessity the cheese on a burger must be melted. Muenster is excellent. Monterey Jack will do nicely too. How about Havarti? Ahh, so many cheeses, so little time… A hunka hunka sweet onion. Red is my favorite, but Vidalia onions can be interesting as well. Pickles, some crispy kosher dills please, sliced nice and thick. A delicate sprinkling of salt. And atop it all… a dollop of Heinz ketchup. Accept no substitutes. Bon appet… Hey wait a minute, what am I saying? **This is my cheeseburger! Shoo! Shoo!** 😃 ---
**Author:** ![tavalla](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tavalla/32/89_2.png) [@tavalla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tavalla)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 9:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/52 "2001-09-21T09:05:35Z")
From the bottom up… Bun, barbecue sauce, meat pattie, grilled onions, bacons, cheese, egg, tomato, BEETROOT (yes, I’m Australian :)), lettuce, other half of bun. If there’s ever a Dopefest in my town, I’m buying hamburgers at Kermond’s and your eyes will be opened to the glory of the true hamburger. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 10:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/53 "2001-09-21T10:41:50Z")
I’m actually quite partial to patty melts myself, otherwise, I’ll take a kaiser bun with: medium-rare burger (grilled, of course) sharp cheddar cheese grilled or raw onions (depending on my mood) pickle slices simple yellow mustard (aka french’s) a small dallop of ketchup perhaps a dab of mayo tomato slices no lettuce Nice and simple. I’m not normally a fan of french’s or ketchup, but it works for me on burgers. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/54 "2001-09-21T13:40:26Z")
Place medium burger on bottom of fresh bun. Apply ketchup to top bun. Put top bun on burger. Eat. Mock me, I dare you. Is this the time to mention I like french fries mainly because they are a good utensil for consuming ketchup? ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/55 "2001-09-21T14:59:55Z")
oh, no mocking here…there is beauty in simplicity… much better than that really odd red-headed stepchild of a burger mentioned in the OP 🙂 Oh, and a truly good fry is one that doesn’t need ketchup…(but you a free to put it on if you wish. salt and vinegar is better. mayo is, well, certain to give you a coronary, but quite good, actually.) ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2001, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/56 "2001-09-22T05:23:25Z")
French fries are perfect with almost any condiment. Ketchup, vinegar, mayo, gravy, barbecue sauce, horseradish, salad dressing (blue cheese or thousand island are especially good), cheez whiz, cocktail sauce, A1, honey mustard, tartar sauce, sweet and sour, duck sauce, that weird fruit sauce Arby’s serves with stuffed jalapenos, hot fudge … okay, maybe not hot fudge. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/57 "2001-09-23T00:35:31Z")
thick sliced bacon avocado bleu cheese Haj ---
**Author:** ![Hugh\_Jass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/4da419/32.png) [@Hugh\_Jass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hugh_Jass)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851/58 "2001-09-23T00:58:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ukulele Ike \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by Diver \* > > **No mayo (sissy burger)** > > _HIJACK!_ > > Allow me to quote John Thorne, the best food writer in the USA since M.F.K. Fisher died: > > “The hamburger, the _real_ hamburger, is trash. When we’re in the mood for that kind of trash, however, nothing else will do. Bite into one and succulent juices immediately start dribbling down the chin. The teeth sink into the yielding softness of the bun, break through the crisp resistance of the pickle, close around a satisfying mouthful of meat. Melted cheese coats the roof of the mouth; the sweet-sour tang of ketchup, **velvetized by mayo,** smothers the taste buds in pleasure, lubricates the tongue…” \*\* Wow. I think I gotta change my pants. My contribution: Colby-Jack cheese, or thick hunka cheddar Lots of dill pickles. Mustard Rare cow over a grill store-brand hamburger roles, toasted on the grill Then, for a perfect experience: Ice-cold Dos Equis Salt & Vinegar potato chips On a picnic bench [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-on-the-perfect-hamburger/82851.md?page=2)