# What's the best way for me to tell a female co-worker I need more space? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 13, 2008, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369 "2008-09-13T00:18:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2008, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/1 "2008-09-13T00:18:06Z")
Here’s the situation: I work in an office. I have a female colleague, “Shelley,” with whom I must often interact. She is not one of my direct reports, but I do outrank her. Shelley and I get along famously. However, she has a distressing habit – distressing to me, I should say – of coming a little too close when we’re consulting about projects. I don’t believe she’s coming on to me or trying to irritate me; it’s that if she needs my input on an issue, she’ll tend to lean in a little too close, close enough so I find her both distracting and tempting. I’d like to get her to stop this. But I don’t want to say or do anything that could be misconstrued. I also don’t want to go to her boss, because she dislikes Shelley and will go out of her way to interpret any criticism of her in whatever way she can use to get her in trouble. How best to handle this? ---
**Author:** ![Hellestal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3ab097/32.png) [@Hellestal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hellestal)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2008, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/2 "2008-09-13T00:22:42Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > How best to handle this? Hmmm… maybe if you stopped bathing regularly? ---
**Author:** ![bufftabby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/77aa72/32.png) [@bufftabby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bufftabby)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2008, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/3 "2008-09-13T00:27:55Z")
Move away? Like, in the opposite direction, perhaps? ---
**Author:** ![Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e56c9b/32.png) [@Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harriet_the_Spry)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2008, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/4 "2008-09-13T00:57:13Z")
How about “Shelley, you probably don’t realize this about me, but I’m one of those people who prefers a little more personal space. It’s generally easier for me to talk to someone if they’re standing about arm’s length away.” Garlic for breakfast and lunch would be the nuclear option. ---
**Author:** ![Bites\_When\_Provoked](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bites_when_provoked/32/18073_2.png) [@Bites\_When\_Provoked](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bites_When_Provoked)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2008, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/5 "2008-09-13T00:57:49Z")
In a similar situation, I just laughed and said ‘Oi! Personal space, please!’ with a smile on my face. Worked fine. In the event that she keeps creeping back in, just remind her that you need your space. Provided you do it in a pleasant way, she’s hardly likely to get upset - particularly if you get on really well. ---
**Author:** ![DJ\_Motorbike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/90ced4/32.png) [@DJ\_Motorbike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DJ_Motorbike)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2008, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/6 "2008-09-13T01:15:54Z")
I would say, “Uh . . . a little space here, Shelly.” She moves. “Thanks.” Then, without pause, "On the Johnson account our sales have been slow and we need to start pushing more widgets . . . " Avoid any possibility of awkward silence, or the need for her to apologize. The idea is that she isn’t too close to you. You just want some room. ---
**Author:** ![Manduck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/manduck/32/256_2.png) [@Manduck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Manduck)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2008, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/7 "2008-09-13T01:17:26Z")
Just put up with it is my advice. Seriously, this seems like one of those small things where it’s best to just cut the other person some slack. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2008, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/8 "2008-09-13T01:19:16Z")
> [@Manduck](#): > > Just put up with it is my advice. Seriously, this seems like one of those small things where it’s best to just cut the other person some slack. The reason I don’t want to put up with it has more to do with me than with her. There are elements of my history that would indicate that I do best to avoid temptation. ---
**Author:** ![sugar\_and\_spice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e8c25b/32.png) [@sugar\_and\_spice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sugar_and_spice)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2008, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/9 "2008-09-13T01:41:38Z")
Is she actually getting closer to you than is standard in typical US office culture? (or whatever country you are in). That is, if you didn’t find her at all attractive, would the level of closeness still make you uncomfortable? ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2008, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/10 "2008-09-13T01:43:43Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > The reason I don’t want to put up with it has more to do with me than with her. There are elements of my history that would indicate that I do best to avoid temptation. Errr - the temptation to do what? Grab her boob if she leans in too close? 😕 You said you don’t think she’s coming on to you - what are you tempted to do? Regardless, I would just move my chair back a bit - I work with a number of people from different countries/cultures and some of them are close talkers - I just slide my chair back a bit and it’s never been a problem. However, I’ve never been tempted to grab one of them either so perhaps we’re not in the same boat. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Kiros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/439d5e/32.png) [@Kiros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kiros)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2008, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/11 "2008-09-13T01:53:57Z")
It is always good to avoid temptation when one has the chance to do so. The problem for _me_ would be that humor seems to be the easiest way to slip free on this one, except whatever funny and witty thing that I said would also be flirtatious, almost whether I wanted it to be or not. Doesn’t help the cause. That said, I think I’d probably just end up backing away whenever convenient and hoping she gets the drift eventually. Definitely a method where mileage may vary. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2008, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/12 "2008-09-13T01:56:23Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > Errr - the temptation to do what? Grab her boob if she leans in too close? 😕 I don’t care to go into detail. Let’s just say that my life history is not that of a mensch, and I want to be a mensch no, and leave it thus. ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2008, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/13 "2008-09-13T02:02:51Z")
> [@Manduck](#): > > Just put up with it is my advice. Seriously, this seems like one of those small things where it’s best to just cut the other person some slack. I disagree. It’s annoying as hell, and can build up resentment. It will harm the Hoverer professionally; really. 72% of the time, it’s symptomatic of some weird kind of power issue. I wonder if this woman isn’t trying to claim you as an ally in the company politics … (10% of the time, it’s symptomatic of poor hearing or eye-sight.) ---
**Author:** ![Amp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Amp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amp)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2008, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/14 "2008-09-13T02:06:45Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I don’t care to go into detail. Let’s just say that my life history is not that of a mensch, and I want to be a mensch no, and leave it thus. Screw that dude, you have the _Kavorka_. Use it to its full advantage. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2008, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/15 "2008-09-13T02:19:56Z")
I once had an assistant who preferred all interactions with her be at arm’s length. She explained it to each of once once. Anytime any of us encroached after that she simply said “You’re in my bubble.” I think **DJ Motorbike’s** method is a little better. ---
**Author:** ![Hunter\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/50afbb/32.png) [@Hunter\_Hawk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hunter_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2008, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/16 "2008-09-13T02:57:15Z")
How long-term has this pattern of behavior been? This sort of thing has happened to me a couple of times, and I found that by not responding in. any. way. the colleagues would soon give up and stay at arm’s length. ---
**Author:** ![5-HT](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/5/f19dbf/32.png) [@5-HT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/5-HT)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2008, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/17 "2008-09-13T03:18:31Z")
Piss all over the office to mark your territory. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2008, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/18 "2008-09-13T03:18:42Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > How best to handle this? _Hold up Crucifix prop_ [PeterCushing]“Back…! Back, Foul Minion of Satan…!”[/PeterCushing] ---
**Author:** ![Jragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e19b73/32.png) [@Jragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jragon)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2008, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/19 "2008-09-13T03:29:26Z")
Move a little closer to her and “accidentally” (and lightly) clonk your head and say “Whoops, didn’t notice you were that close!” After that she may be more careful on account of she doesn’t want to hit her head again. ---
**Author:** ![Santo\_Rugger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Santo\_Rugger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Santo_Rugger)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2008, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/20 "2008-09-13T03:54:06Z")
> [@Hunter\_Hawk](#): > > How long-term has this pattern of behavior been? This sort of thing has happened to me a couple of times, and I found that by not responding in. any. way. the colleagues would soon give up and stay at arm’s length. Huh? Like, just stand there motionless and expressionless, looking at whatever you were looking at until they move? I don’t get it. > [@Jragon](#): > > Move a little closer to her and “accidentally” (and **lightly** ) clonk your head and say “Whoops, didn’t notice you were that close!” After that she **may** be more careful on account of she doesn’t want to hit her head again. And if you do it with some force, she **will** be more careful in the future. This is an idea I could go for. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369.md?page=2)