# What's the best way for me to tell a female co-worker I need more space? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 13, 2008, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369 "2008-09-13T00:18:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Collaborator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Collaborator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Collaborator)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2008, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/41 "2008-09-13T21:08:21Z")
I concur. Man up Sally. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2008, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/42 "2008-09-13T21:18:07Z")
> [@lorene](#): > > Well, then, that’s on you and not her. If she’s not trying to come on to you, and not trying to annoy you, then maybe she’s not standing too close, either. Or maybe she is, but trying to solve it in any way _other than_ looking at your own behaviors and patterns is going to prove to be futile. There will always be another “tempting” woman. > > I guess I’m confused about why you’d put this on a message board that your wife posts on, for one thing, unless we’ll be treated to another husband-and-wife showdown, like we have with at least one previous pair of Doper Spouses. Kim’s not posting here anymore, so it’s not really an issue. ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2008, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/43 "2008-09-13T21:40:31Z")
[QUOTE=MLS] I There was no option but the endless loop. [/QUOTE] That’s it! Put [this song](http://www.lyricsfreak.com/p/police/dont+stand+so+close+to+me_20110096.html) on an endless loop and play it every time you and she have a scheduled interaction. Or [this one.](http://www.superseventies.com/sl_goawaylittlegirl.html) She’ll get the message! ---
**Author:** ![Dying\_Butterfly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d2c977/32.png) [@Dying\_Butterfly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dying_Butterfly)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2008, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/44 "2008-09-13T22:01:16Z")
I remember you saying you hoped you never cheated on your wife in another thread. Honestly, it baffled me. I hope you do have some actual problem with sex, and you’re not just some overgrown high schooler taking all the pussy he can get. If it’s the former, do look into some kind of counseling for your wife’s sake. Otherwise, grow up. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2008, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/45 "2008-09-13T22:10:51Z")
> [@Dying\_Butterfly](#): > > I remember you saying you hoped you never cheated on your wife in another thread. Honestly, it baffled me. I hope you do have some actual problem with sex, and you’re not just some overgrown high schooler taking all the pussy he can get. If it’s the former, do look into some kind of counseling for your wife’s sake. Otherwise, grow up. I’m going to say this and then exit, because frankly I don’t want to participate in a flamefest, which is what I see building. When I write that I hope never to cheat on my wife, I doh’t mean to imply that remaining faithful is not under my control; far from it. I mean that I intend never to do so, but because of my history I cannot deny the possibility if I am not diligent in controlling myself and my addiction. I have to work at not sexualizing situations, because part of my pattern has been grooming women through friendship and other seemingly innocuous circumstances so that I can fuck them. I’m very conscious of the behavioral patterns I need to avoid. ---
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2008, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/46 "2008-09-13T23:08:16Z")
I don’t know why everybody’s piling on **Skald.** This person is just violating his personal space, and his history, while something _he_ needs to consider, is not something she needs to know to be told that she’s in his face. If she’s doing it to him, she’s likely doing it to others who don’t like it any better. It’s unprofessional. I’d suggest putting both arms out straight as if you’re going to put them on her shoulders – but don’t – and say, “Over here, okay?” with a smile. You could do it to a guy, you can do it to a girl. ---
**Author:** ![lorene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/65b543/32.png) [@lorene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lorene)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2008, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/47 "2008-09-13T23:37:53Z")
> [@Sigmagirl](#): > > I don’t know why everybody’s piling on **Skald.** This person is just violating his personal space, and his history, while something _he_ needs to consider, is not something she needs to know to be told that she’s in his face. I was in no way suggesting that he tell her his history, and I don’t see others suggesting that, either. What I _was_ suggesting is that the more important question is, “How can I change my pattern of sexualizing friendships”, or however\*\* Skald\*\* himself put it, not “What to do about this one situation that might tempt me.” [QUOTE=Skald the Rhymer] Kim’s not posting here anymore, so it’s not really an issue. [/QUOTE] I apologize for my assumption. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2008, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/48 "2008-09-13T23:58:52Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I don’t care to go into detail. Let’s just say that my life history is not that of a mensch, and I want to be a mensch no, and leave it thus. Any sympathy I had for you is now gone. “Mensch” up and tell her. She’s not some wanton siren, tempting you over flowcharts. :rolleyes: Do men truly think this way at work? 😕 However… I knew an OR nurse who did this. I was always surprised that she hadn’t been killed in the OR. I knew her in my aerobics class and she would just keep moving in on you again and again, until you found yourself against the wall. When confronted with this, she admitted to doing it and that people had complained. She didn’t change, which tells you a lot about her. I hope you don’t have the same situation here, but honestly, it’s a simple request in a business setting. How hard can it be? ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2008, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/49 "2008-09-14T00:41:30Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > Any sympathy I had for you is now gone. “Mensch” up and tell her. She’s not some wanton siren, tempting you over flowcharts. :rolleyes: > Do men truly think this way at work? 😕 No, most men don’t think this way at work. Which is what makes the whole “It’s really hard not to cheat on my wife” attitude baffling to me. I knew a guy in high school who used to tell me how hard it was not to cheat on his girlfriend one day and then tell me how many times he cheated on her the next day. Frankly, I just passed it off as him being an ass hole (of course, she later dumped him because of the cheating). Of course, I’ve never gotten the ass hole vibe from **Skald** before. ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2008, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/50 "2008-09-14T01:05:49Z")
There’s been some sensible advice here, so I’d like to lower the tone. 🙂 If she’s hot, enjoy the proximity. 😉 If she’s not, why do you think the taser was invented? :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Trepa\_Mayfield](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/edb3f5/32.png) [@Trepa\_Mayfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trepa_Mayfield)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2008, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/51 "2008-09-14T01:54:56Z")
> [@Justin\_Bailey](#): > > Agreed. The only logical response to this thread is… > > 1. Be a man > 2. Don’t cheat on your wife > 3. Quit bitching I disagree with this. Just because he has…a different reason for wanting this person to not be so close doesn’t mean he has no right to ask her to step back. I’ve had to learn that people will make completely reasonable requests for unreasonable reasons, and I see no reason to tie your “you’re pathetic” ‘advice’ with your “just ask her to” advice. ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2008, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/52 "2008-09-14T02:04:03Z")
> [@pedescribe](#): > > I disagree with this. Just because he has…a different reason for wanting this person to not be so close doesn’t mean he has no right to ask her to step back. I’ve had to learn that people will make completely reasonable requests for unreasonable reasons, and I see no reason to tie your “you’re pathetic” ‘advice’ with your “just ask her to” advice. I never said he has “no right” to ask her to step back. I said if he wants to he just has to come out and say it. No cutesy games. But I do think the constant hue and cry of “It’s so hard to resist temptation!” is a little pathetic. It’s, as someone else said, a little high school and if he really has problems with this, he shouldn’t be talking to us, he should be seeing a shrink. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2008, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/53 "2008-09-14T02:08:52Z")
> [@Justin\_Bailey](#): > > No, most men don’t think this way at work. Which is what makes the whole “It’s really hard not to cheat on my wife” attitude baffling to me. > > I knew a guy in high school who used to tell me how hard it was not to cheat on his girlfriend one day and then tell me how many times he cheated on her the next day. Frankly, I just passed it off as him being an ass hole (of course, she later dumped him because of the cheating). Of course, I’ve never gotten the ass hole vibe from **Skald** before. \ Thank you. It’s a bit much for this woman to be blamed for his “impure thoughts” due to an unconscious habit on her part… Talk about projection and not taking personal responsibility. Yikes. I had not gotten that vibe, either. Let’s hope the situation resolves itself soon. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2008, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/54 "2008-09-14T02:36:04Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > \ > > Thank you. It’s a bit much for this woman to be blamed for his “impure thoughts” due to an unconscious habit on her part… Talk about projection and not taking personal responsibility. Yikes. I had not gotten that vibe, either. Let’s hope the situation resolves itself soon. Hmm, I don’t know. I mean, he recognizes that there’s a temptation there and I don’t gather he’s blaming her for it. He seems to own it as a personal weakness of his, and it’s exacerbated by the situation. He _has_ to work with this woman. And whether she realizes she’s doing it or not, she’s not helping the situation by getting too close. I don’t exactly know the OP’s situation, but what if it’s a sex addiction? Just as you wouldn’t test an alcoholic by offering him a drink, you wouldn’t show a sex addict a skin mag, either. Minimizing temptations is where it’s at and if the OP recognizes stimuli present that could trigger behaviors he doesn’t want, bravo! It’s reasonable to expect some personal space, and different people have different comfort levels, whatever the reason. He shouldn’t just live with it, because he sees potential danger so IMO it’s really a question of obtaining it without offending, embarrassing, etc. I’m also not a fan for a light-hearted/humorous approach because too often, people will treat it as a joke…after all, that’s how it was presented. Since my confederate plan didn’t get any salutes, I’d say make it direct, firm but gentle. The reason why he needs this space irrelevant. “It’s just me” will do fine, IMO. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2008, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/55 "2008-09-14T02:57:16Z")
> [@lobotomyboy63](#): > > I don’t exactly know the OP’s situation, but what if it’s a sex addiction? Well what if it is? He said the woman isn’t coming on to him, so what exactly is he tempted to do? Throw her on the boardroom table and attack her? Thrust his face between her boosooms and go “BoogaBoogaBooga”? Grab her ass? WHAT? I work with a lot of men. I may sit close to them - I certainly joke with them which may be flirty. Some men think I’m cute. Am I to believe that if I do these things at work some dude is going to attack me? Seriously - is the OP seriously suggesting that if he just _LOOKS_ at some woman in a sexy way she’s going to rip of her panties and start rubbing herself against a filing cabinet? I’m really not getting this at all. Maybe if she was coming on to him, but if she’s just coming in to work to do her job, and happens to be cute and hard of hearing, I’m really not getting the distress. Being a cute woman does not mean that you want to have sex with any dude from work. Not even if you sit close to him at a board room table. ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2008, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/56 "2008-09-14T02:59:53Z")
> [@lobotomyboy63](#): > > Hmm, I don’t know. I mean, he recognizes that there’s a temptation there and I don’t gather he’s blaming her for it. He seems to own it as a personal weakness of his, and it’s exacerbated by the situation. He _has_ to work with this woman. And whether she realizes she’s doing it or not, she’s not helping the situation by getting too close. But that’s bullshit because the problem is solved by Skald telling the woman he wants a little more space. It’s not complicated and it’s not hard. She’s not “exacerbating” anything but delusions in Skald’s mind. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2008, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/57 "2008-09-14T03:23:09Z")
@Alice, Justin: I’m going to have to go back and re-read all the posts.😕 Alice, I didn’t think he was saying that he could wink at her and she’d jump in bed with her. More like, these situations can start with a little innocent flirtation and escalate, like a recovering alcoholic has “just” one drink and the whole sobriety unravels from there. @Justin: WAG, but I think Skald may feel like, ‘I’ve had some thoughts and just mentioning the space thing could open a can of worms.’ If she just says, “Oh, sorry,” that would be super. But what if her feelings are hurt and goes “Hell hath no fury” on him? What if she’s embarassed? He still has to work with her. What if she wants to talk about it? Tease him about it? I can see why he’d want to happen with minimal fanfare. Back to re-reading… ---
**Author:** ![Brandon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f08c70/32.png) [@Brandon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brandon)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2008, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/58 "2008-09-14T03:50:19Z")
> [@lobotomyboy63](#): > > @Justin: WAG, but I think Skald may feel like, ‘I’ve had some thoughts and just mentioning the space thing could open a can of worms.’ If she just says, “Oh, sorry,” that would be super. But what if her feelings are hurt and goes “Hell hath no fury” on him? What if she’s embarassed? He still has to work with her. What if she wants to talk about it? Tease him about it? I can see why he’d want to happen with minimal fanfare. If her feelings are hurt and she decides to unleash her wrath on him, that’s her problem. He wants more space so he should ask for more space, and if it becomes a problem he can handle it then. If he does it politely and firmly only a psychotic woman (or is that redundant? nyuk nyuk) would respond in any way other than moving away a bit. I think **Skald** is making this situation far more complicated than it has to be, just as he made the whole notion of his past life history in this thread more complicated than it needed to be. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2008, 6:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/59 "2008-09-14T06:52:25Z")
> [@lobotomyboy63](#): > > Alice, I didn’t think he was saying that he could wink at her and she’d jump in bed with her. More like, these situations can start with a little innocent flirtation and escalate, like a recovering alcoholic has “just” one drink and the whole sobriety unravels from there. Well yah, he kind of did. If there’s some woman at work who’s **NOT** coming on to you, it’s fairly arrogant to assume that with a hint of your male come on suddenly she’s going to drop her drawers and he’s going to have no choice but to fuck her. I mean come on - does the woman in this story get no credit, whatsoever? Is **Skald** really so irresistable that one glance in her direction and she’s going jump on him like a hyena in heat? Is it not possible that this woman really, really isn’t that into him? Perhaps she just sits closely because he mumbles? Maybe she’s happily married with 3 kids? The OP is really quite obnoxious - it suggests that **Skald** will be tempted by this close sitting cute woman and won’t be able to keep it in his pants. Well what the hell is the woman doing in all this? Letting him? Totally absurd. If she was hitting on him, maybe. But he said she’s not. Frankly, I think he’s projecting and he should leave this poor woman alone. And tell her to move back, for god’s sake. Talk about much ado about nothing. ---
**Author:** ![Jragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e19b73/32.png) [@Jragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jragon)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2008, 7:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/60 "2008-09-14T07:02:07Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > Well yah, he kind of did. If there’s some woman at work who’s **NOT** coming on to you, it’s fairly arrogant to assume that with a hint of your male come on suddenly she’s going to drop her drawers and he’s going to have no choice but to fuck her. > > I mean come on - does the woman in this story get no credit, whatsoever? Is **Skald** really so irresistable that one glance in her direction and she’s going jump on him like a hyena in heat? > > Is it not possible that this woman really, really isn’t that into him? Perhaps she just sits closely because he mumbles? Maybe she’s happily married with 3 kids? The OP is really quite obnoxious - it suggests that **Skald** will be tempted by this close sitting cute woman and won’t be able to keep it in his pants. Well what the hell is the woman doing in all this? Letting him? No, but it’s not entirely implausible that Skald could just give in to whatever emotions he’s feeling and (say) kiss her, which the co-worker (probably pushing him away) gets really uncomfortable over and either makes it difficult for them to work together (which he needs to do as he stated) or at worst going after him for sexual harassment. I don’t think anyone is implying a woman who shows no romantic interest in him is just going to throw off her panties, but if Skald can’t resist whatever urges he has it still won’t be a particularly pretty scenario. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369.md?page=4)