# What's the best way for me to tell a female co-worker I need more space? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 13, 2008, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369 "2008-09-13T00:18:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2008, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/61 "2008-09-14T07:10:23Z")
I had to go back and read the OP again. Looked to me that the responses to this thread were getting away from it, quite a bit. He feels uncomfortable with her invading his space. I feel him on this; I don’t like folks all up in my face either. He feels attracted to her. I feel him on this too. There are lots of handsome men where I work, but this one, in particular, a jet black man from Cameroon, I would have a hard time concentrating on the Johnson account if he was leaning in too close, and I don’t need that shit when I am trying to be all professional. No danger that I’m gonna reach out and grab his penis…just a simple desire not to get all worked up at work. He seems unwilling to directly ask her to move. I feel him there, again. I don’t like the idea of being the source of someone’s embarrassment. Now, I will embarrass if I must, but it seems to me that he was simply asking for advice for an alternate route. Rather or not he is battling a sex addition, or any other unfounded guesses at his situation, is irrelavent. The relevant part is that she is all up in his grill, and he would like her to move without hurting her feelings. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2008, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/62 "2008-09-14T07:18:53Z")
> [@Jragon](#): > > No, but it’s not entirely implausible that Skald could just give in to whatever emotions he’s feeling and (say) kiss her, which the co-worker (probably pushing him away) gets really uncomfortable over and either makes it difficult for them to work together (which he needs to do as he stated) or at worst going after him for sexual harassment. I don’t think anyone is implying a woman who shows no romantic interest in him is just going to throw off her panties, but if Skald can’t resist whatever urges he has it still won’t be a particularly pretty scenario. Very true, but if someone standing too close to him is going to be that much of a temptation for him, he needs a little bit more assistance than what he’s going to get here on this message board. If he really just wanted her to stand farther away, I can’t imagine that he’d need to turn here for us to tell him “Tell her that you’re uncomfortable when people stand too close to you.” He seems like a reasonably intelligent person and would realize that would be step #1. The OP hasn’t really been shy about sharing issues/drama/situations regarding his personal life (work, home, family) here before, but doesn’t want to now. I can certainly respect that. Why not just ask us how to approach a close talker in a work situation and throw in a note that it’s obvious she isn’t interested, just unaware. It seems like throwing in the extra, juicy detail is inviting these comments or setting us up for a soap opera installment yet to come. Either way, just say “I don’t mean to be rude, but I need personal space. Thanks.” ---
**Author:** ![Bites\_When\_Provoked](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bites_when_provoked/32/18073_2.png) [@Bites\_When\_Provoked](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bites_When_Provoked)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2008, 10:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/63 "2008-09-14T10:23:21Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > Rather or not he is battling a sex addition, or any other unfounded guesses at his situation, is irrelavent. The relevant part is that she is all up in his grill, and he would like her to move without hurting her feelings. Thank you, voice of reason! I was just wondering why everyone seemed to be missing that entire point. Of course, I do have trouble getting why he can’t just say ‘Hey, can you back up a bit, please?’ and get over it, but maybe he just really doesn’t like confrontation. /shrug. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2008, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/64 "2008-09-14T13:16:59Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > Well yah, he kind of did. If there’s some woman at work who’s **NOT** coming on to you, it’s fairly arrogant to assume that with a hint of your male come on suddenly she’s going to drop her drawers and he’s going to have no choice but to fuck her. > > I mean come on - does the woman in this story get no credit, whatsoever? Is **Skald** really so irresistable that one glance in her direction and she’s going jump on him like a hyena in heat? > > Is it not possible that this woman really, really isn’t that into him? Perhaps she just sits closely because he mumbles? Maybe she’s happily married with 3 kids? The OP is really quite obnoxious - it suggests that **Skald** will be tempted by this close sitting cute woman and won’t be able to keep it in his pants. Well what the hell is the woman doing in all this? Letting him? > > Totally absurd. If she was hitting on him, maybe. But he said she’s not. Frankly, I think he’s projecting and he should leave this poor woman alone. And tell her to move back, for god’s sake. > > Talk about much ado about nothing. Wow, I (still) really don’t read it that way. I totally get the “she’s not coming onto him” angle; I think he stated upfront that he didn’t think it was a come on. But there are some people who really know how to work the opposite sex to get what they want, i.e. a pickup artist, and \*\*skald \*\*may be in that group. But even if he isn’t, he may recognize that this could be the start of a roller coaster ride that ends with a sexual harassment lawsuit against him when he can’t fight the compulsion. I like **Nzinga** ’s post. And **Sleeps** may be right—if the OP has some really serious issues, maybe counseling is in order and this board isn’t qualified. But to those who say, “Man up; don’t cheat,” I say AA has twelve steps for those who can’t “Man up; don’t drink.” True, womanizing may be a psychological addiction instead of a physiological one, but people are sometimes ruined by other psychological addictions, e.g. gambling, so you can’t tell me it’s “just” psychological. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2008, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/65 "2008-09-14T16:37:05Z")
> [@lobotomyboy63](#): > > Wow, I (still) really don’t read it that way. > > I totally get the “she’s not coming onto him” angle; I think he stated upfront that he didn’t think it was a come on. But there are some people who really know how to work the opposite sex to get what they want, i.e. a pickup artist, and \*\*skald \*\*may be in that group. But even if he isn’t, he may recognize that this could be the start of a roller coaster ride that ends with a sexual harassment lawsuit against him when he can’t fight the compulsion. Ok, I admit I wasn’t thinking about it this way - or the way that **Jragon** put it either - I can’t imagine someone so overcome with lust that they lean in and kiss me, grab me, make a rude comment to me _AT WORK_. Thats…really, really unprofessional. Frankly, if that is a risk, **Skald** is going to have to put on his Big Girl Panties and just ask this woman to move back. ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2008, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/66 "2008-09-14T16:55:43Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > Ok, I admit I wasn’t thinking about it this way - or the way that **Jragon** put it either - I can’t imagine someone so overcome with lust that they lean in and kiss me, grab me, make a rude comment to me _AT WORK_. Thats…really, really unprofessional. > > Frankly, if that is a risk, **Skald** is going to have to put on his Big Girl Panties and just ask this woman to move back. Exactly. There’s NO WAY you can twist “I like a little personal space. Can you slide over a bit?” into something sexual. Unless he follows it up with “So I can get full extension on my arm when I fondle your boobies!” ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2008, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/67 "2008-09-14T19:21:46Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > Any sympathy I had for you is now gone. “Mensch” up and tell her. She’s not some wanton siren, tempting you over flowcharts. :rolleyes: > Do men truly think this way at work? :confused? Here, don’t fanny around with that tiny little brush. Here’s a 15" sponge pad. Gets the job done in half the time, with less dripping! ---
**Author:** ![lorene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/65b543/32.png) [@lorene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lorene)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2008, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/68 "2008-09-14T19:26:12Z")
> [@Malacandra](#): > > Here, don’t fanny around with that tiny little brush. Here’s a 15" sponge pad. Gets the job done in half the time, with less dripping! To be fair, she didn’t say **all** men. And I, for one, can hardly blame her, what with all the hand-wringing over the temptress and the “I can’t possibly help myself unless _ **she** _ changes something _ **she’s** _ doing.” ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2008, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/69 "2008-09-14T20:13:30Z")
A wiser man than I would stay out of the thread. Ah well. At no juncture have I described my coworker as a temptress or myself as irresistable. _I_ have a problem with sexual compulsivity which is entirely my responsibility to manage. I try to avoid certain situations because of the thoughts I have in response to them. It’s not that I worry about seducing Shelly qua Shelly or her seducing me. It’s that I know the patterns that have lead me to compulsive rituals and I work to short-circuit them when I see them beginning. I avoid driving down certain streets as well,or goign to bars, because they are part of the addictive ritual I am determined to avoid. Also, someone mentioned 12-stepping above. I find that such programs don’t work with me; I am part of a group that follows a less passive paradigm not predicated on submission to a higher power. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2008, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/70 "2008-09-14T20:52:02Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Also, someone mentioned 12-stepping above. I find that such programs don’t work with me; I am part of a group that follows a less passive paradigm not predicated on submission to a higher power. Hope I didn’t offend. I’m just noting that when people say “Man up; don’t do it,” some people won’t be able to follow that advice. AA helps for some but not for others and of course there are other organizations that take a different tack. You’re wise to avoid situations that might trigger it; props for admitting that you recognize the problem and are addressing it, OP. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2008, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/71 "2008-09-14T21:18:18Z")
> [@lorene](#): > > To be fair, she didn’t say **all** men. And I, for one, can hardly blame her, what with all the hand-wringing over the temptress and the “I can’t possibly help myself unless _ **she** _ changes something _ **she’s** _ doing.” Thank you. That is what I meant and it was just a question. I was startled to think that this was even an issue at work–she seems oblivious to anything, but he’s all worked up about something that is easily corrected. But when I’m at work, sex or attractiveness is the last thing on my mind (and given that I’m a nurse, we should al be thankful for that), so I just don’t think in those terms, at all, on the job. I thought that people + work= sex pretty much only happened in movies or beach reads. (I know it happens in real life too, but not in any of my jobs). And so my mind is um, broadened yet again by the Dope. Kudos go to **Malacandra** , though, for making me laugh. Thanks. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![lunar\_elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/35a633/32.png) [@lunar\_elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lunar_elf)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2008, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/72 "2008-09-14T22:43:25Z")
If you’re still reading. If you have to work close together I found moving around to be the best option. Instead of working at my desk, find another desk or table to work out. (Maybe it’s just the avoider in me.) I’d also slowly slide back if someone was getting close or, be short and to the point when they’d start moving in closer. Of course I’m also found of walking around and figuring things out too. ---
**Author:** ![Zhen\_ka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/ecccb3/32.png) [@Zhen\_ka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zhen_ka)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2008, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/73 "2008-09-14T22:58:24Z")
> [@Justin\_Bailey](#): > > No, most men don’t think this way at work. Which is what makes the whole “It’s really hard not to cheat on my wife” attitude baffling to me. > > I knew a guy in high school who used to tell me how hard it was not to cheat on his girlfriend one day and then tell me how many times he cheated on her the next day. Frankly, I just passed it off as him being an ass hole (of course, she later dumped him because of the cheating). Of course, I’ve never gotten the ass hole vibe from **Skald** before. Oh, think about how hard it would be to cheat on your hot, spitfire of a child bride! Or not. ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2008, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/74 "2008-09-14T23:14:42Z")
> [@Zhen\_ka](#): > > Oh, think about how hard it would be to cheat on your hot, spitfire of a child bride! > > Or not. Huh? EDIT: Oh, wait. Is that a slam on the age difference between Skald and his wife?:smack: ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2008, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/75 "2008-09-15T14:18:13Z")
Recovring addicts control their behavior by either avoiding the trigger altogether or finding the mental strength to resist it even if the trigger is right in front of them. Avoiding the trigger is not an option for you. Women are everywhere, and if Shelly were to leave tomorrow, another Shelly would soon follow. Instead of focusing on the the smaller picture (“How do I get my coworker to quit tempting me?”), you need to get yourself to a counselor so that you can come up with a workable gameplan for dealing with life. Your current method of hoping that you’ll be able to resist cheating and avoiding old stomping grounds is not a good one. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2008, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369/76 "2008-09-15T15:38:56Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > Recovring addicts control their behavior by either avoiding the trigger altogether or finding the mental strength to resist it even if the trigger is right in front of them. > > Avoiding the trigger is not an option for you. Women are everywhere, and if Shelly were to leave tomorrow, another Shelly would soon follow. > > Instead of focusing on the the smaller picture (“How do I get my coworker to quit tempting me?”), you need to get yourself to a counselor so that you can come up with a workable gameplan for dealing with life. Your current method of hoping that you’ll be able to resist cheating and avoiding old stomping grounds is not a good one. Well, given that I am in therapy and in a non-12-stepping support group, I’ll take you comment as well-intentioned good thoughts I should be grateful for rather than as advice. Thanks, though. 🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-for-me-to-tell-a-female-co-worker-i-need-more-space/463369.md?page=3)