# What's the best way to handle being in unrequited love with a dear friend? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 27, 2014, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-handle-being-in-unrequited-love-with-a-dear-friend/696675 "2014-08-27T19:43:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2014, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-handle-being-in-unrequited-love-with-a-dear-friend/696675/21 "2014-08-28T15:02:02Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > I don’t get the talk about ignoring emotions. Shutting out your emotions is how you withdraw from a friendship. How can you stay close friends with someone if you can’t stay emotionally connected to them? Way I see it, friendship and romantic love are two mostly-separate emotional imperatives, and it’s possible to shut one off without completely cutting off the other. YMMV, and you may see the two as completely intertwined. To my mind, that means there was never any friendship there to begin with, in which case, disengage away. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2014, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-handle-being-in-unrequited-love-with-a-dear-friend/696675/22 "2014-08-28T15:16:31Z")
> [@Ranger\_Jeff](#): > > There was a fellow in a similar situation who got two good songs out of it. Ever hear of “Bell Bottom Blues” or “Layla”? As I recall, Pattie Boyd wasn’t “a friend whom you know will never love you back the same way” for Eric Clapton, since she eventually divorced George Harrison to marry Clapton. [Didn’t work out that well, though.](http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-474705/Id-pray-Eric-pass-touch-Part-2-Pattie-Boyds-sensational-autobiography.html) ---
**Author:** ![LurkerInNJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ed655f/32.png) [@LurkerInNJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkerInNJ)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2014, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-handle-being-in-unrequited-love-with-a-dear-friend/696675/23 "2014-08-28T15:28:02Z")
What should you do? Move and lose their number and e-mail address. ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2014, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-handle-being-in-unrequited-love-with-a-dear-friend/696675/24 "2014-08-28T15:32:08Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > This is important - because it’s easy to imagine, in that situation, that your love for the person will last for all eternity, when in practice, it probably won’t - because that doesn’t even always happen when both parties notionally want it to. Actually… you’re wrong about that. Oh, what you say seems completely logical, but you’re still wrong. I have had two MAJOR cases of unrequited love in my life. There have been two women that I loved heart and soul but who never regarded me as anything but an interesting, amusing, quirky friend. I have been married to someone else for 15 years now. I have had NO contact with one of those women in all that time. The other one is a casual Facebook friend who now lives in another state and whom I “talk” to online two or three times a year. Have I fallen out of love with them? Well… no. Oh, I’ve moved on, I’ve long since stopped obsessing over them, and have not bothered them in the least. There is zero chance I’ll ever have any kind of romantic relationship with either, and there is zero chance I’ll ever even flirt with either again. But if I ever ran into either of them in person, all the old feelings would still be there, on my part. Now, IF I’d ever actually had a real relationship with either, I’m sure I WOULD have fallen out of love with them at some point. Day to day life has a way of crushing romance! But since I’ve never actually had a relationship with them… well, I’ve never smelled their morning breath. We’ve never fought over money. We’ve never had to deal with each other’s annoying relatives. It’s precisely BECAUSE we never had a relationship that, in some sense, they’re still perfect to me. ---
**Author:** ![Mixolydian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/da6949/32.png) [@Mixolydian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mixolydian)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2014, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-handle-being-in-unrequited-love-with-a-dear-friend/696675/25 "2014-08-28T15:55:07Z")
\*Your hair ain’t curly and your doggone eyes ain’t blue If you don’t want me, what in the world do I want with you? \* Son House - “Walking Blues” ---
**Author:** ![gnoitall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/bb73d2/32.png) [@gnoitall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gnoitall)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2014, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-handle-being-in-unrequited-love-with-a-dear-friend/696675/26 "2014-08-28T16:37:13Z")
Whatever you choose, don’t be [this guy.](http://xkcd.com/513/) ---
**Author:** ![Soylent\_Juicy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@Soylent\_Juicy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soylent_Juicy)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2014, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-handle-being-in-unrequited-love-with-a-dear-friend/696675/27 "2014-08-28T17:01:13Z")
Well, if you’re my old roommate, you’ll move away but still be friends with me, then a few years later write me a letter saying that you’ve been deeply in love with me ever since we met about 10 years previous and that you can’t handle the fact that you’ll never “have my heart” and then you’ll not speak to me again for another 10 years, then you’ll out-of-the-blue Friend me on Facebook like everything is fine. I kind of figured he had a thing for me but he never, ever made any move, verbally or physically, so I assumed that we had a happy platonic friendship. Guess not. ---
**Author:** ![Blaster\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Blaster\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blaster_Master)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2014, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-handle-being-in-unrequited-love-with-a-dear-friend/696675/28 "2014-08-28T20:23:19Z")
I’ve been on both sides of this, and I’m still friends with both women. In one case where I was the one with unrequired love, it didn’t actually start out that way, but due to a whole slew of complicated things that aren’t really relevant, we ended up where we were very close friends, I had strong feelings for her, and it wasn’t going to happen for a whole host of reasons. I tried to just move on normally, and it wasn’t working, so I had to actually just take a break from our friendship for a while. After a bit of a break from regular interaction, it helped me get perspective and I was able to reapproach out friendship without that. We’re still close. On the other side, I had a good friend who had strong feelings for me and I just wasn’t interested in her that way. I was clear when it would come up, but eventually there too, it only really came to an end after we didn’t really interact for a while, she met someone else, and when we reconnected, she was over it, and I attended her wedding. Now, I can’t say that would work for everyone, after all, the types of friendships I have tend to have periods with a lot of interaction and then periods of very little, sometimes even for years at a time, and when we reconnect, things are just fine. I really don’t know how it would operate for people that don’t have the ability to connect, disconnect, and reconnect like that. I guess eventually once you drive home that it just isn’t going to happen, stop pushing for it, and move on, the feelings will fade in time. ---
**Author:** ![teela\_brown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d9b06d/32.png) [@teela\_brown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/teela_brown)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2014, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-handle-being-in-unrequited-love-with-a-dear-friend/696675/29 "2014-08-28T20:27:43Z")
“Unrequired love”. Heh. Sorry - not snarking on your story, **Blaster Master**. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2014, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-handle-being-in-unrequited-love-with-a-dear-friend/696675/30 "2014-08-28T22:14:57Z")
> [@astorian](#): > > Actually… you’re wrong about that. Oh, what you say seems completely logical, but you’re still wrong. > > I have had two MAJOR cases of unrequited love in my life. There have been two women that I loved heart and soul but who never regarded me as anything but an interesting, amusing, quirky friend. > > I have been married to someone else for 15 years now. I have had NO contact with one of those women in all that time. The other one is a casual Facebook friend who now lives in another state and whom I “talk” to online two or three times a year. > > Have I fallen out of love with them? Well… no. Oh, I’ve moved on, I’ve long since stopped obsessing over them, and have not bothered them in the least. There is zero chance I’ll ever have any kind of romantic relationship with either, and there is zero chance I’ll ever even flirt with either again. > > But if I ever ran into either of them in person, all the old feelings would still be there, on my part. > > Now, IF I’d ever actually had a real relationship with either, I’m sure I WOULD have fallen out of love with them at some point. Day to day life has a way of crushing romance! > > But since I’ve never actually had a relationship with them… well, I’ve never smelled their morning breath. We’ve never fought over money. We’ve never had to deal with each other’s annoying relatives. > > It’s precisely BECAUSE we never had a relationship that, in some sense, they’re still perfect to me. Let’s look again at what you’re disagreeing with. This time, allow me to highlight a bit you might not have understood: > [@Mangetout](#): > > This is important - because it’s easy to imagine, in that situation, that your love for the person will last for all eternity, when in practice, it \*\*probably \*\*won’t - because that doesn’t even always happen when both parties notionally want it to. Just because you’re one of the exceptions (that are already accommodated in what I said) doesn’t make me wrong. It wasn’t a weasel-word, it was an acknowledgement of the statement not being absolute. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2014, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-handle-being-in-unrequited-love-with-a-dear-friend/696675/31 "2014-08-28T23:23:37Z")
> [@Stringbean](#): > > Unrequited is different from unrequested. What does this mean? ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2014, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-handle-being-in-unrequited-love-with-a-dear-friend/696675/32 "2014-08-28T23:44:03Z")
Sorry **astorian** , my post above was unnecessarily dickish. There was no need for that - my apologies. ---
**Author:** ![cerberus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/71e660/32.png) [@cerberus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cerberus)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2014, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-handle-being-in-unrequited-love-with-a-dear-friend/696675/33 "2014-08-29T00:07:06Z")
What’s really annoying is when they carefully explain their lack of feeling, then you maintain the friendship ( getting over / past it in the process. ) , and then they come around later with the feelings. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2014, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-handle-being-in-unrequited-love-with-a-dear-friend/696675/34 "2014-08-29T00:07:18Z")
You can buy Aveeno skin lotion from Costco in bulk. ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2014, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-handle-being-in-unrequited-love-with-a-dear-friend/696675/35 "2014-08-29T14:55:22Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > Sorry **astorian** , my post above was unnecessarily dickish. There was no need for that - my apologies. Ah, what’s the point of semi-anonymous message boards if we can’t be dickish occasionally? (Not like I’ve never been guilty.) Let me steal one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite plays, Hugh Leonard’s _ **Da.** _ “Time doesn’t mitigate an injury- it merely helps one to overlook it.” My feelings for the aforementioned women haven’t disappeared. I just have enough other important things going on in my life that I no longer think about them nearly as often. ---
**Author:** ![mo50](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8797f3/32.png) [@mo50](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mo50)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2014, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-handle-being-in-unrequited-love-with-a-dear-friend/696675/36 "2014-08-29T15:36:50Z")
I can empathize with you. I wasted so much time and energy on people who were unavailable. :o If I could go back and talk to a younger me, Id’a told myself to get my head outta my ass and start living. It of course had much more to do with me and my own crap than the people I was fixated on. Really selfish, obsessive, craving sort of behavior, not real love at all. I’m not saying its easy, but swallow it, don’t act on it in any way, and move on. If you can remain friends wonderful, but its very easy to fool yourself about that kinda thing. Hang in there! ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2014, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-handle-being-in-unrequited-love-with-a-dear-friend/696675/37 "2014-08-29T16:06:31Z")
To repeat (AGAIN) my favorite analogy: Hanging out with a woman who doesn’t love you in hopes that she’ll change her mind is like sitting in the front row at Yankee Stadium every night, hoping Joe Girardi will notice you and put YOU in the game. It’s never going to happoen. Once you get that through your thick skull, there’s only one question: do you ENJOY going to the games, even knowing you’ll never get to play? Or is it making you miserable to sit there knowing it will never be YOU on the field? If you still like the games, keep going. If it’s making you miserable, stop going. Forever. It’s the same principle with your unrequited love goddess. Do you enjoy the time/lunches/small outings you have with her, or does it just frustrate you and drive you crazy? If it’s the former, just act like a grownup and see her occasionally. If it’s the latter, do yourself AND her a favor, and cut her off completely. Cold turkey. You’ll both be happier. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2014, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-handle-being-in-unrequited-love-with-a-dear-friend/696675/38 "2014-08-29T18:16:54Z")
> [@astorian](#): > > Ah, what’s the point of semi-anonymous message boards if we can’t be dickish occasionally? (Not like I’ve never been guilty.) > > Let me steal one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite plays, Hugh Leonard’s _ **Da.** _ > > “Time doesn’t mitigate an injury- it merely helps one to overlook it.” > > My feelings for the aforementioned women haven’t disappeared. I just have enough other important things going on in my life that I no longer think about them nearly as often. I think for some people, it doesnt work like that though, in fact, I suspect your story may be rather rare (and that was the intent of my ‘probably’). I mean, I know it isn’t like that for everyone, because it isn’t like that for me. I was the unrequited lover more than once in the past, but I got over it. Also, in terms of what must be going on inside the mind, I suspect there will be many similarities between being a rejected suitor and being dumped in a relationship - and people get over that, mostly. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2014, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-handle-being-in-unrequited-love-with-a-dear-friend/696675/39 "2014-08-29T18:25:30Z")
I should probably qualify that. When I say I got over it, I mean that the feelings faded into the background until I reached the point where I was in control of them, not they in control of me. I am still in touch with one of the women I fell for in that way, and I have no doubt that if the circumstances were right and favourable, I would be able to fan that dim ember back into a flame, but it would take an act of will to start the process, I think. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2014, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-handle-being-in-unrequited-love-with-a-dear-friend/696675/40 "2014-08-29T18:41:59Z")
> [@MrDibble](#): > > I’m not saying it’s _unethical_ to distance yourself from unrequited love. I’m saying it’s immature and pathetic. Toddlers let themselves get _totally dominated_ by their emotions. I’m not saying be Vulcan about it :dubious: , I’m saying everything goes better when your rational and emotional halves work together. It’s the word “pathetic” I have a major problem with. It seems unkind, dismissive, and judgmental. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-handle-being-in-unrequited-love-with-a-dear-friend/696675.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-handle-being-in-unrequited-love-with-a-dear-friend/696675.md?page=3)