# What's the best way to uninvite someone from lunch? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 11, 2013, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-uninvite-someone-from-lunch/655401 "2013-04-11T14:12:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-uninvite-someone-from-lunch/655401/21 "2013-04-11T18:55:35Z")
> [@iamthewalrus\_3](#): > > Yeah. I wouldn’t say “maybe next time” if you don’t actually mean it, either. Just “No, sorry.” with no other explanation. > > If you provide a reason, then they can be tempted to show how it doesn’t apply to them. Yes, but you just keep on saying “no”. You: “I’m sorry, but Bob and I really wanted to catch up on some outside-work stuff. Maybe another time.” Coworker: “Yeah, but I’m great at giving advice/really want to come/am too nosy for words.” You: Firmly, with a polite smile, “I’m sorry, not this time.” And change the topic. If they ask you what you you need to see them for, you say, “I beg your pardon?” And hold it. This is difficult. Hold a very slight, polite smile and see what they say. Almost everyone at this point will realize what a faux pas they have made. For the ones who don’t, you can add, “It’s private,” and sometimes you can add, “I’m not inclined to discuss it at the workplace.” Is Lakai ever coming back? Cause I wanted to know if they were a coworker or not. If they’re not a coworker, you don’t really even have to go that route. “I just wanted to see someone away from the office for a while! I mean, we all see each other forty hours a week - it’s nice to have a break!” Again, smiling. People make fun of Miss Manners because they think she has no way of shutting this stuff down. I love Miss Manners because she has polite ways of shutting things down. And 99.9% of the time the polite ways work. The .01% are usually psychos anyway! Learning to say no is very very important in adult life or people will just walk all over your head and then tell you that you love it. NO! ---
**Author:** ![Lakai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lakai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lakai)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-uninvite-someone-from-lunch/655401/22 "2013-04-11T19:18:02Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Is Lakai ever coming back? Cause I wanted to know if they were a coworker or not. If they’re not a coworker, you don’t really even have to go that route. “I just wanted to see someone away from the office for a while! I mean, we all see each other forty hours a week - it’s nice to have a break!” Again, smiling. They are all coworkers. I definitely do not want to go the non-polite route here. I don’t like insulting people in public (here in front of another coworker), and find it better to give them plausible deniability even if they can piece together what is going on. Thanks, **Anaamika**. I’m definitely using your advice if this situation comes up again. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-uninvite-someone-from-lunch/655401/23 "2013-04-11T21:11:21Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > : blush : > > (You know, every time someone says I am intelligent or calm or rational, I think - when the fuck did that happen? 😃 ) You’re slumming. The bar on social intelligence ain’t exactly high around here. I think you did nail this one. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2013, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-uninvite-someone-from-lunch/655401/24 "2013-04-12T06:10:07Z")
> [@Lakai](#): > > They are all coworkers. > > I definitely do not want to go the non-polite route here. I don’t like insulting people in public (here in front of another coworker), and find it better to give them plausible deniability even if they can piece together what is going on. > > Thanks, **Anaamika**. I’m definitely using your advice if this situation comes up again. What did you say when they asked if they could go, and how did you say them? ---
**Author:** ![alphaboi867](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alphaboi867/32/3898_2.png) [@alphaboi867](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alphaboi867)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2013, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-uninvite-someone-from-lunch/655401/25 "2013-04-12T06:47:09Z")
Tell coworker to meet at a restaurant they hate, that serves food they can’t eat, or can’t enter for religious reasons. ---
**Author:** ![Lakai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lakai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lakai)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2013, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-uninvite-someone-from-lunch/655401/26 "2013-04-12T13:29:06Z")
> [@gigi](#): > > What did you say when they asked if they could go, and how did you say them? I said he could go. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2013, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-uninvite-someone-from-lunch/655401/27 "2013-04-12T14:18:14Z")
“Sorry, but I’m catching having a catch-up with a friend today. Maybe next time?” ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2013, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-uninvite-someone-from-lunch/655401/28 "2013-04-12T14:37:31Z")
> [@alphaboi867](#): > > Tell coworker to meet at a restaurant they hate, that serves food they can’t eat, or can’t enter for religious reasons. No because (except for the last one - what kind of restaurant can you not even enter) they’ll just come and bitch and moan about it. Sorry to hear that, Lakai. Rudeness like this needs to be shut down at the source. Can you cancel and reschedule privately with your friend? ---
**Author:** ![11811](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/1/9d8465/32.png) [@11811](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/11811)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2013, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-uninvite-someone-from-lunch/655401/29 "2013-04-12T15:42:26Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > Sorry, I usually just use NinjaTemps. [Nerlman]Bob, Bob, Bob![/Nerlman] ---
**Author:** ![Lakai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lakai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lakai)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2013, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-uninvite-someone-from-lunch/655401/30 "2013-04-12T18:05:19Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > No because (except for the last one - what kind of restaurant can you not even enter) they’ll just come and bitch and moan about it. > > Sorry to hear that, Lakai. Rudeness like this needs to be shut down at the source. Can you cancel and reschedule privately with your friend? We already had the lunch. I’m just looking for ways to avoid this in the future. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2013, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-uninvite-someone-from-lunch/655401/31 "2013-04-12T18:26:53Z")
> [@sandra\_nz](#): > > “Sorry, but I’m catching having a catch-up with a friend today. Maybe next time?” What they hear: “Sorry, but I’m having a ketchup with a friend today. Maybe next time?” ---
**Author:** ![Quimby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/22d042/32.png) [@Quimby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quimby)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2013, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-uninvite-someone-from-lunch/655401/32 "2013-04-12T19:05:34Z")
Lie! Lie! Lie! Say lunch is canceled and then meet up with the person you want to see somewhere else. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2013, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-uninvite-someone-from-lunch/655401/33 "2013-04-12T19:07:33Z")
> [@Lakai](#): > > We already had the lunch. I’m just looking for ways to avoid this in the future. See, now you have misled the person into thinking you enjoy their company. > [@kayaker](#): > > “Actually, neither of us enjoy your company”. While harsh, my response is an honest answer to the question. I can decline to socialize with someone while still working with them. And personally, if someone didn’t wanna have lunch with _me_, I’d rather know that then have them dance around the situation. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2013, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-uninvite-someone-from-lunch/655401/34 "2013-04-12T19:24:28Z")
Geez, I don’t want to know if you dislike me that much. I still have to work 40 hours with you. I’d prefer the polite demurral. I never invite myself, but I’d rather just not know if my coworkers hate me so much! ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2013, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-uninvite-someone-from-lunch/655401/35 "2013-04-12T19:27:43Z")
“Oh, you’re going to lunch. Can I come?” “No, thank you.” You don’t have to give a reason, and especially you don’t say “maybe next time”. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Lakai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lakai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lakai)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2013, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-uninvite-someone-from-lunch/655401/36 "2013-04-13T00:05:49Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > See, now you have misled the person into thinking you enjoy their company. That was the point. I work with the guy and might need him to do things for me in the future. Why should I let him know I don’t like him? > [@](#): > > While harsh, my response is an honest answer to the question. I can decline to socialize with someone while still working with them. And personally, if someone didn’t wanna have lunch with _me_, I’d rather know that then have them dance around the situation. Why? If the hostility is revealed then you’d have a harder time working together, no? ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2013, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-uninvite-someone-from-lunch/655401/37 "2013-04-13T01:32:29Z")
It does make it very awkward if the third-party doesn’t really know that no one likes them. They see you all going to lunch together nearly every day, and they KNOW you aren’t going to be discussing “personal issues” because they’ve seen your level of interaction around the office…they know you aren’t bosom buddies. So it really makes it hard to keep excluding them from what they have observed and participated in as just a bunch of coworkers sitting together at lunch. even Anaamika’s excellent and considerate reply could lead to hurt feelings and a frosty work relationship that you just might regret. I’d say you need to be extremely careful not to be overheard again, and then not to eat anywhere that coworker might spot you. Not sure if that level of subterfuge is worth it to you, but that’s what you might need to do. Either that, or invite even more coworkers along so that you aren’t forced to make conversation soley with the third party. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2013, 10:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-uninvite-someone-from-lunch/655401/38 "2013-04-13T10:44:26Z")
Heh. Maybe I’m strange, I guess. I’d have no trouble interacting with someone in a work environment that I didn’t like or that didn’t like me. That’s why they call it work. ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2013, 11:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-uninvite-someone-from-lunch/655401/39 "2013-04-13T11:08:29Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Heh. Maybe I’m strange, I guess. I’d have no trouble interacting with someone in a work environment that I didn’t like or that didn’t like me. That’s why they call it work. You’re not strange. That’s healthy. I’ve had plenty of coworkers who I would never want to go hang out with on my time off, and if invited I would say no, or if they asked to hang out with me, I would say no. And I work and live with these people on a boat for 4 weeks at a time! That being said, I still think making up a white lie after you’ve accidentally already said yes can get you out of it fairly diplomatically, which I thought was what the OP was talking about. But yes in most cases, if you are responding at the time they say, “is it ok if I join you guys for lunch?” just say, “no we would like to have lunch by ourselves,” and leave it at that. If the guy/gal pursues it more… well then just let them know you don’t really want to be friends. I’d be fine with that. ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2013, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-uninvite-someone-from-lunch/655401/40 "2013-04-13T19:17:50Z")
Get an app that causes your phone to ring on a timer. After coworker two invites themselves along, say “sounds great, I should text [coworker three] and see if he wants to go” and use the app to make your phone ring in 30-45 seconds. When your phone rings, answer it and scream “_Oh my God!! Which hospital? I’ll be right there!_” and run out of the room. Once you’re outside of the building, text friend/coworker one to meet up for lunch. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-best-way-to-uninvite-someone-from-lunch/655401.md?page=1)