You: “I’m sorry, but Bob and I really wanted to catch up on some outside-work stuff. Maybe another time.”
Coworker: “Yeah, but I’m great at giving advice/really want to come/am too nosy for words.”
You: Firmly, with a polite smile, “I’m sorry, not this time.” And change the topic.
If they ask you what you you need to see them for, you say, “I beg your pardon?” And hold it. This is difficult. Hold a very slight, polite smile and see what they say. Almost everyone at this point will realize what a faux pas they have made. For the ones who don’t, you can add, “It’s private,” and sometimes you can add, “I’m not inclined to discuss it at the workplace.”
Is Lakai ever coming back? Cause I wanted to know if they were a coworker or not. If they’re not a coworker, you don’t really even have to go that route. “I just wanted to see someone away from the office for a while! I mean, we all see each other forty hours a week - it’s nice to have a break!” Again, smiling.
People make fun of Miss Manners because they think she has no way of shutting this stuff down. I love Miss Manners because she has polite ways of shutting things down. And 99.9% of the time the polite ways work. The .01% are usually psychos anyway!
Learning to say no is very very important in adult life or people will just walk all over your head and then tell you that you love it. NO!
I definitely do not want to go the non-polite route here. I don’t like insulting people in public (here in front of another coworker), and find it better to give them plausible deniability even if they can piece together what is going on.
Thanks, Anaamika. I’m definitely using your advice if this situation comes up again.
See, now you have misled the person into thinking you enjoy their company.
While harsh, my response is an honest answer to the question. I can decline to socialize with someone while still working with them. And personally, if someone didn’t wanna have lunch with me, I’d rather know that then have them dance around the situation.
Geez, I don’t want to know if you dislike me that much. I still have to work 40 hours with you. I’d prefer the polite demurral. I never invite myself, but I’d rather just not know if my coworkers hate me so much!
It does make it very awkward if the third-party doesn’t really know that no one likes them. They see you all going to lunch together nearly every day, and they KNOW you aren’t going to be discussing “personal issues” because they’ve seen your level of interaction around the office…they know you aren’t bosom buddies. So it really makes it hard to keep excluding them from what they have observed and participated in as just a bunch of coworkers sitting together at lunch. even Anaamika’s excellent and considerate reply could lead to hurt feelings and a frosty work relationship that you just might regret. I’d say you need to be extremely careful not to be overheard again, and then not to eat anywhere that coworker might spot you. Not sure if that level of subterfuge is worth it to you, but that’s what you might need to do. Either that, or invite even more coworkers along so that you aren’t forced to make conversation soley with the third party.
Heh. Maybe I’m strange, I guess. I’d have no trouble interacting with someone in a work environment that I didn’t like or that didn’t like me. That’s why they call it work.
You’re not strange. That’s healthy. I’ve had plenty of coworkers who I would never want to go hang out with on my time off, and if invited I would say no, or if they asked to hang out with me, I would say no. And I work and live with these people on a boat for 4 weeks at a time!
That being said, I still think making up a white lie after you’ve accidentally already said yes can get you out of it fairly diplomatically, which I thought was what the OP was talking about.
But yes in most cases, if you are responding at the time they say, “is it ok if I join you guys for lunch?” just say, “no we would like to have lunch by ourselves,” and leave it at that. If the guy/gal pursues it more… well then just let them know you don’t really want to be friends. I’d be fine with that.
Get an app that causes your phone to ring on a timer. After coworker two invites themselves along, say “sounds great, I should text [coworker three] and see if he wants to go” and use the app to make your phone ring in 30-45 seconds. When your phone rings, answer it and scream “Oh my God!! Which hospital? I’ll be right there!” and run out of the room. Once you’re outside of the building, text friend/coworker one to meet up for lunch.