# What's the big deal about sex? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 1, 2003, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575 "2003-07-01T14:15:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/21 "2003-07-01T18:01:15Z")
Perhaps Happy needs to read the post after his/hers and do more reading on these things before insulting me. ---
**Author:** ![Marathon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7cd45c/32.png) [@Marathon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marathon)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/22 "2003-07-01T18:12:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by flight \* > \*\*If you need evidence, pole your closer friends \*\* :eek: Talk about a Freudian slip! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/23 "2003-07-01T18:12:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by lauramarlane \* > **Like Contrary and Mith I was in a sex-less marriage. It was the first sexual relationship for both of us and it felt just horrible for me. I was young and couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong that he wasn’t more interested in me and in sex. I was eager to try everything (so, Lizard, I was certainly willing to do my share of the work! 😉 ) but he was disinterested. He did want children, though, but once the reproductive work was done he didn’t see a reason for any more sex.** Sorry to hear that, **lauramarlane**. I think what I said about the vulnerability inherent in sexual relations between people in a relationship is illustrated neatly by your unfortunate experience. I think men (and women too) like your ex are not “disinterested in sex,” per se. What they are _really_ disinterested in is any emotional intimacy that sex could lead to, i.e., being vulnerable. You said it yourself – the lack of sex ultimately undermined the intimacy that sustains relationships in the long term. Lack of sex, IMHO, was just a symptom, not the cause of your relationships’ breakup. The ultimate cause was your man’s unwillingness to trust you enough to _be_ intimate, in any way that mattered to you. It’s too bad, really, that you were so eager to give yourself over to him when he wouldn’t reciprocate. Hope you’re in a happier place now. ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/24 "2003-07-01T18:14:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Barrytown \* > \*\*:eek: Talk about a Freudian slip! 😉 \*\* Yeah, I noticed that, but thought I’d let it slide. I never pole my _close_ friends; it just messes up the friendship. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Mooch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7bcc69/32.png) [@Mooch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mooch)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/25 "2003-07-01T18:18:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by flight \* > … Sexual appetites vary, but on average men are far more interested. If you need evidence, pole your closer friends … \*\* Couldn’t help myself. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Mooch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7bcc69/32.png) [@Mooch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mooch)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/26 "2003-07-01T18:21:12Z")
Damn slow boards. I’m not really a doofus. ---
**Author:** ![lauramarlane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a5b964/32.png) [@lauramarlane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lauramarlane)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/27 "2003-07-01T18:21:14Z")
Thanks, **Lizard** , I’m in a much happier place now. It took a while to undo the stereotypes, though. I kept thinking that men just always want sex so there had to be something wrong with me because my ex didn’t seem to want it at all. But sex is just the symptom, as you said. A girlfriend of mine says she would be quite happy never having sex again because it’s just not a big deal to her. Unfortunately, her husband doesn’t feel the same way about the subject and it’s a constant problem for them. She just writes it off as him being “a typical guy”, wanting sex all the time. When we talk it’s kind of like that Woody Allen movie where he and Diane Keaton are talking to their respective therapists and they’re asked “how often do you have sex?” Keaton answers, “constantly–at least three times a week!” and Allen answers, “hardly ever–maybe three times a week.” ---
**Author:** ![Contrary](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/db5fbb/32.png) [@Contrary](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrary)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/28 "2003-07-01T18:21:33Z")
**Lizard** , you did use the term people. If you want to use a broad brush, then you need to expect to hear from those of us who aren’t those people. **lauramarlane** – you hit the nail on the head. That sort of mismatch really does undermine the intimacy and closeness of a relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/29 "2003-07-01T18:26:51Z")
**Chimera** , you’re insulted by what I said? Good grief. I never said there _aren’t_ physical-- or emotional-- problems that can interfere with normal sex, but calling someone “abnormal” or “unhealthy” just because their libido isn’t what you consider up to snuff is pretty harsh. The OP doesn’t seem to have any problems other than his libido just isn’t as high as some. I think it’s a little unfair diagnosing him as being abnormal, though. And while mis-matched libidos can _definitely_ be a problem in a relationship, so can mis-matched personalities. My ex and I found our personalities just didn’t jibe. After three and a half years of dating, coming to that realization really hurt. But I wouldn’t think of calling her “abnormal.” In fact, define “normal” for me, in regard to sex and relationships. Incompatable does not equal abnormal. Happy ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/30 "2003-07-01T18:31:28Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by flight \* > > * * * > > Sure, women like sex, but it doesn’t come close to the constant desires most men have. Sexual appetites vary, but on average men are far more interested. If you need evidence, pole your closer friends (ones who would actually tell the truth to you on this) whether they masturbate, and how often. > \*\* I wanted to add that I don’t believe such a poll would be meaningful. You’re ignoring some of the drawbacks inherent in such polls. I don’t think I know even one woman who would honestly tell me how much she masturbates, and I know plenty of guys who would exaggerate, just to be funny. Men and women talk to other men and women about sex all the time, but when talking about with _each other_, different rules apply. ---
**Author:** ![Indygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/58f4c7/32.png) [@Indygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Indygrrl)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/31 "2003-07-01T18:32:04Z")
I love sex, seriously I do. I want it at LEAST once a day, if not twice. I will do it until I can’t physically do it anymore. My new bf and I have been going at it like crazy and I can honestly say it’s been the best six weeks I’ve had in years. I can’t imagine not taking pleasure in sex. I feel badly for those who cannot enjoy it the way I do. ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/32 "2003-07-01T18:39:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Contrary \* > **Lizard, you did use the term people. If you want to use a broad brush, then you need to expect to hear from those of us who aren’t those people.** **Contrary** , I really don’t get where you’re coming from on this. I said: “Please, can people stop telling the OPer that ‘he must not be doing it right’?” I went back and re-read your post, and you didn’t say this. Therefore, I’m mystified as to why you think I was talking about you. ---
**Author:** ![Contrary](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/db5fbb/32.png) [@Contrary](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrary)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/33 "2003-07-01T18:41:44Z")
I’m a people too 😃 ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/34 "2003-07-01T19:33:35Z")
To me, the “big deal” is that it is a physical manifestation of all the love that my SO and I feel for each other. We have a wonderful relationship - we share interests, communicate, care for each other, give each other space, show tenderness, etc. All of that is the foundation for our sex life, which is, in a word, scorching. There are damn few experiences more satisfying. ---
**Author:** ![mojave66](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5f9b8f/32.png) [@mojave66](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mojave66)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/35 "2003-07-01T19:52:52Z")
Re the OP-- I don’t think he thinks sex isn’t enjoyable, or fun, or unnecessary, but he thinks that it isn’t The Most Wonderful Experience In The Universe Ever Ever Ever and I have to admit I agree with him. I have a fairly high sex drive. Me and my partner are wonderfully and happily compatible. I enjoy sex, I enjoy the intimacy it imparts. I remember what it was like when I was going through my longest dry spell (3 years!) and how it almost physically hurt to not have any physical contact. Hey, I really don’t want to relive those times. But hey, let’s face it, sex has drawbacks. It’s challenging to keep a long-term relationship fresh. Outside attractions can range from annoying to outright painful. If you’re not getting any, it can be pretty difficult to find some, and even if you do, a lack of an emotional connection can lessen the experience. Things get messy; you run the risk of diseases or pregnancy; you have to shower afterwards; etc. etc. etc. Plus, as wonderful as sex can admittedly be, there are some things that rank alongside it-- and sometimes even outrank it-- as wonderfully sensual experiences: A really fantastic meal. A really fantastic book. Jamming with a group of instrumentalists and having a brilliant musical synthesis develop. Hanging out with buddies and having some laughts over some great beer or a bottle of wine. Figuring out a particularly hard proof (or rather, insert your favorite intellectual challenge here). Therefore, I agree with the OP. To me sex isn’t the #1 Best Thing about being an adult. Among the top 10, maybe even top 5, but certainly not a clear #1. ---
**Author:** ![Chicago\_Faucet](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chicago_faucet/32/13910_2.png) [@Chicago\_Faucet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chicago_Faucet)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/36 "2003-07-01T20:00:57Z")
I’m in a sexless marriage right now. She makes me feel guilty about wanting sex. It’s to the point where she has conditioned me to feel that having sex more than once a month is quite extreme. Whenever I bring up the subject, she just rolls her eyes, and I feel so low. I feel bad about making her do something she obviously doesn’t want to do. When she does give in, she makes me feel like I’m raping her. It started during our honeymoon three years ago. Never on a holiday. Never on our anniversary. It’s been the source of many fights. It taxes our relationship very much. She has family affection and religious issues. But I’m the victim. It didn’t really hurt until I saw a statistic last week saying that a marriage where sex occurs less than ten times a year is a sexless marriage. I almost made it sound like it was a defective or damaged marriage. ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/37 "2003-07-01T20:06:52Z")
Solving a math problem is equal to or better than sex with someone you love? I’ll have to take your word for it. ---
**Author:** ![WeRSauron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f19dbf/32.png) [@WeRSauron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WeRSauron)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/38 "2003-07-01T20:16:34Z")
It seems that a lot of people tout the ecstasy of sex with people they love. However, there has to be more to sex than that - tons of men have sex with people whose name they hardly know, let alone love and adore. Why does that happen? What do they get out of it? WRS PS - I showed this thread to a friend, who chuckled, because he knows some inside info on me that might make a difference. ---
**Author:** ![mojave66](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5f9b8f/32.png) [@mojave66](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mojave66)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/39 "2003-07-01T21:07:11Z")
> [@](#): > > Solving a math problem is equal to or better than sex with someone you love? Sometimes, yes, because conquering a particularly tough mental problem is itself pretty satisfying. Then again if I say “Woo Hoo! I just found another method of deriving Euler’s formula” and my partner says “congratulations, let’s have sex!”-- well, that _is_ a particularly lovely icing on the cake. > [@](#): > > tons of men have sex with people whose name they hardly know, let alone love and adore. Why does that happen? What do they get out of it? Without going into TMI-land, let’s just say that plenty of women do that, too. What you get out of it is some really lovely and sometimes necessary physical contact with another human being. I honestly believe that American culture at least doesn’t do enough affectionate touching between people, and this comes out in our culture’s rather bizarre sexual dynamic. I know I do better physically and emotionally if I’m getting held and cuddled, especially during the times when I wasn’t having sex. ---
**Author:** ![rjung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/45deac/32.png) [@rjung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjung)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/40 "2003-07-01T22:44:32Z")
Human beings (and all other critters) have evolved to want sex at some level. The no-sexual-desire instinct was bred out of our systems _eons_ ago. 😉 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575.md?page=3)