# What's the big deal about sex? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 1, 2003, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575 "2003-07-01T14:15:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2003, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/41 "2003-07-02T00:11:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Chicago Faucet \* > \*\*I’m in a sexless marriage right now. She makes me feel guilty about wanting sex. It’s to the point where she has conditioned me to feel that having sex more than once a month is quite extreme. Whenever I bring up the subject, she just rolls her eyes, and I feel so low. I feel bad about making her do something she obviously doesn’t want to do. When she does give in, she makes me feel like I’m raping her. It started during our honeymoon three years ago. Never on a holiday. Never on our anniversary. It’s been the source of many fights. It taxes our relationship very much. She has family affection and religious issues. But I’m the victim. > > It didn’t really hurt until I saw a statistic last week saying that a marriage where sex occurs less than ten times a year is a sexless marriage. I almost made it sound like it was a defective or damaged marriage. \*\* Do you get marriage guidence, it may be useful to the two of you. Does your wife also condemn you masturbating? If so then she is being very manipulative, in a bad way. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2003, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/42 "2003-07-02T01:19:34Z")
There is more to sex than sex. As you sit there thinking “Well, _that_ was sure enlightening, dude”, define what it is that people lust for when they lust for sex. OK, now, given the relative ease, availability, and very low risk quotient associated with doing our own orgasms, explain why there’s an urge to involve other people. So it’s about…sharing this intimacy and vulnerability? “Doing” somebody and making them lose control, and/or being done unto and losing control yourself? OK, now explain the whole “relationship” thing. Is it reproductivity issues meshing with the stuff we’ve covered already, or is that too sociobiological? (Certainly sterile folks and gay folks and folks who are going to great lengths to avoid conception might believe there are reasons to be in relationships apart from spawning kids, but the hardcore sociobio folks might say that’s still why the wiring got put down that way). So even if we give the sociobio folks the nod here, exactly what _are_ those “reproductive issues”? Do we have an appetite for factors that make the world a better place in order to raise our kids in an ideal environment? Is this why so many of us experience a strong sexual response to someone who is a strong visionary rebel, a rulebreaker with more than just obstinacy going for them? ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2003, 12:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/43 "2003-07-02T12:45:03Z")
“So it’s about…sharing this intimacy and vulnerability? “Doing” somebody and making them lose control, and/or being done unto and losing control yourself?” This has a great deal to do with it for me. It is trusting someone so completely, and being so open and accessible that I’m essentially saying “Here I am. Naked and unvarnished. This is the real me. Without pretense. I love you and trust you enough to expose myself to you to this degree. I’m willing to share this with you.” My SO feels the same way. When two people experience that together, it can’t be topped. All of the sensual delights that have been pointed out are great (even the thrill of meeting a particularly vexing mental challenge), but they pale in comparison to the depth of feeling that comes from two people “who love alike.” ---
**Author:** ![mipiace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb9ed0/32.png) [@mipiace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mipiace)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2003, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/44 "2003-07-02T13:14:40Z")
Well as illustrated above, everyone has a different sex drive and maybe it isn’t a big deal for some. My ex could go for months without thinking about sex. It isn’t that way for me. I have a bf now that is pretty well matched in teh sex drive dept and it is a very big deal for us. I would much rather have sex with him than eat or do just about anything else. It isn’t just physical, it is emotional, and even spiritual. It’s not about orgasm, that is just an added benefit. It’s a connection, a release, a feeling that everything is all right with the world. I can have the world’s shittiest day but when I look in his eyes everything is right again. An hour seems like a minute and we can make love for hours on end before I realize that time has passed. Sex isn’t just sex with him it is like another world. There is no other time/place/activity/person that I can let all the guards down all the bullshit we deal with as adults on a day to day basis goes out the window and we can really just “be” . I feel completely safe and free and loved. IT recharges me so that I can go on with life and face the world again the next day a little stronger than I was the day before. It’s knowing that I am doing the same for him, that he is open and vulnerable to me, that I can touch him in places (emotionally more than physically) that others don’t have access to. I do things to him that no one else ever dreamed of, make him feel like no one else ever has. It is our private world, our sea of intimacy, passion, ecstasy…that is why sex is a big deal for me. ---
**Author:** ![Davebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@Davebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Davebear)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2003, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/45 "2003-07-02T13:18:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Chicago Faucet \* > \*\*…She has family affection and religious issues. But I’m the victim. > > It didn’t really hurt until I saw a statistic last week saying that a marriage where sex occurs less than ten times a year is a sexless marriage. I almost made it sound like it was a defective or damaged marriage. \*\* Not to be flippant, but Been There, Done That, Got The F\*ck OUT! You have my genuine sympathies. And, IMO, you _are_ in a defective marriage. Not just because your sex drives differ, but because she uses that to hurt you. That’s just wrong, IMO. Oh, and welcome aboard. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![mipiace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb9ed0/32.png) [@mipiace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mipiace)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2003, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/46 "2003-07-02T13:19:50Z")
Well as illustrated above, everyone has a different sex drive and maybe it isn’t a big deal for some. My ex could go for months without thinking about sex. It isn’t that way for me. I have a bf now that is pretty well matched in teh sex drive dept and it is a very big deal for us. I would much rather have sex with him than eat or do just about anything else. It isn’t just physical, it is emotional, and even spiritual. It’s not about orgasm, that is just an added benefit. It’s a connection, a release, a feeling that everything is all right with the world. I can have the world’s shittiest day but when I look in his eyes everything is right again. An hour seems like a minute and we can make love for hours on end before I realize that time has passed. Sex isn’t just sex with him it is like another world. There is no other time/place/activity/person that I can let all the guards down all the bullshit we deal with as adults on a day to day basis goes out the window and we can really just “be” . I feel completely safe and free and loved. IT recharges me so that I can go on with life and face the world again the next day a little stronger than I was the day before. It’s knowing that I am doing the same for him, that he is open and vulnerable to me, that I can touch him in places (emotionally more than physically) that others don’t have access to. I do things to him that no one else ever dreamed of, make him feel like no one else ever has. It is our private world, our sea of intimacy, passion, ecstasy…that is why sex is a big deal for me. ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2003, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/47 "2003-07-02T13:20:38Z")
Back to the OP, I’m still wondering if it’s realy accurate that _“Human society, one may say, is run by a lust or thirst for sex”_, or if we’ve just been sold that by publicity. Human society looks to me as based first on the ensuring of survival (for which sex is a medium-to-long-term, rather than immediate, concern) and then on the acquiring, communally or individually, of the power to shape circumstances so that we can do petter than just survive (thus, structures of power/leadership so the tribe and/or the individuals can acquire more food/land/wealth – and yes, more or better mates). I’m not even sure you could say sex is _primus inter pares_ among the drives that have to be organized and channeled in order to have a functioning society – but yes, it’s right up there near the top. (It wasn’t just one influential desert tribe who put interfering with others’ mates or even wishing to interfere with others’ mates right up there with stealing, murder and perjury as things to be avoided – it’s nearly universal). As to what is the Big Deal, hey it feels good; unlike other necessary components of survival it doesn’t _really_ require that much hard work; every person can indeed make it as transcendent or casual as s/he wishes; and in the particular case of most modern societies, it has been imbued with an aura of mystery and forbiddenness that has the psychological effect of making people crave it more. And every person can want more or less of it, as their particular constitution may incline them. It’s not “bad” or “abnormal” to feel, like one good old friend once said, “oh, it’s nice when it happens, but I don’t go out of my way for it”. Just different. ---
**Author:** ![Tir\_Tinuviel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bc79bd/32.png) [@Tir\_Tinuviel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tir_Tinuviel)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2003, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/48 "2003-07-02T13:29:30Z")
**mipiace** , that’s exactly it for me too. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Pebbles131](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/eada6e/32.png) [@Pebbles131](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pebbles131)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2003, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/49 "2003-07-02T13:42:46Z")
I have a very wierd sex drive. There, I said it!! I can happily go for weeks, sometimes months without wanting sex at all (my poor husband!) and my hubby is fantastic, doesnt pressure me too much, doesnt get narky about it. But once I DO have sex, thats it, the beast is let loose!! Its pretty much all I can think about and Im pretty much always up for it (my poor husband!!) Please someone tell me Im not the only one like this! ---
**Author:** ![Stonebow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Stonebow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stonebow)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2003, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/50 "2003-07-02T13:45:37Z")
_applauds_ **mipiace** , that was spot on! That’s EXACTLY how it is with my wife and I. Now please excuse me while I call and tell my Lady wife how much I love her. ---
**Author:** ![Isabelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b5a626/32.png) [@Isabelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isabelle)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2003, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/51 "2003-07-02T15:52:06Z")
I like the “after effects” \ that cuddling, cooing, romantic time ---
**Author:** ![Melanie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/35a633/32.png) [@Melanie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Melanie)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2003, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/52 "2003-07-03T04:50:32Z")
I think it just depends on how big your libido is. I’ve had periods of my life where I’ve wandered around assessing every male for his potential rootability and I actually can’t get any work done because its all I can think about. I don’t know how people live like this permanently. But when its on your mind, its this insane, overwhelming need that demands satisfaction. Now I’m on anti-depressants and its like, ah whatever. ---
**Author:** ![flight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbce88/32.png) [@flight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flight)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2003, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/53 "2003-07-04T01:08:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Lizard \* > \*\*I wanted to add that I don’t believe such a poll would be meaningful. You’re ignoring some of the drawbacks inherent in such polls. I don’t think I know even one woman who would honestly tell me how much she masturbates, and I know plenty of guys who would exaggerate, just to be funny. Men and women talk to other men and women about sex all the time, but when talking about with _each other_, different rules apply. \*\* That is why I said close friends, in which so very many people seem to have taken such joy. :rolleyes: I am expecting that you have some friends whom you feel comfortable talking about these sorts of things with. Among my male friends and exes (female) I can say the statistics speak for themselves… and this includes that there is probably a damn high sex drive there if they became my GF (not that that is a requirement, but it is definitely something I am attracted to). Speaking of which, I tend to notice that people who enjoy life more tend to enjoy sex more. I have found the people that feel very passionately about good food and a general lust for life tend to have a higher sex drive than those who have restrictive diets (for non medical reasons) and mundane lifestyles. So, find that rock climbing skydiving woman who can have a religious experience over a piece of cheesecake and damn good sex will probably follow. YMMV ---
**Author:** ![DarkPrince](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@DarkPrince](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DarkPrince)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2003, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/54 "2003-07-04T05:18:29Z")
I’ll throw my lot in with the OP, sex really isn’t that big a deal. For the most part the end result really isn’t worth the trouble of trying to get laid, and the old adage that “sex is like pizza”(even when it’s bad, it’s still good) couldn’t be more false; bad sex is a hell of a lot worse than no sex. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2003, 8:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/55 "2003-07-04T08:26:47Z")
Sex is like great literature; you can enjoy it on a lot of different levels,and the more levels you can enjoy, the greater appreciation you have for it. Sex can be anything from purely physical sweaty fun to an earth-shattering, soul-shaking emotional experience. The sweaty monkey-fun level is enough to keep a lot of folks interested, but not others. The more layers you add on to the sweaty monkey-fun, though, the bigger deal it tends to be, at least in my experience. Personally, I’ve never known anyone who’s had earth-shattering, soul-shaking sweaty monkey fun who thought sex was no big deal. ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2003, 10:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/56 "2003-07-04T10:58:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by flight \* > \*\*That is why I said close friends, in which so very many people seem to have taken such joy. :rolleyes: I am expecting that you have some friends whom you feel comfortable talking about these sorts of things with. Among my male friends and exes (female) I can say the statistics speak for themselves. > \*\* Being close friends doesn’t mean I can or would discuss my sex life, and vice-versa. “Friendship” is interpreted in a variety of ways. I can’t imagine asking my male friends how much they beat off, unless we had both been drinking. Same with females, although I could probably talk about it with a woman I was intimate with. \*\* > [@](#): > > Speaking of which, I tend to notice that people who enjoy life more tend to enjoy sex more. I have found the people that feel very passionately about good food and a general lust for life tend to have a higher sex drive than those who have restrictive diets (for non medical reasons) and mundane lifestyles.\*\* Can’t disagree with you there. This is especially relevant to my own situation. As **DarkPrince** said: \*\* > [@](#): > > For the most part the end result really isn’t worth the trouble of trying to get laid, and the old adage that “sex is like pizza”(even when it’s bad, it’s still good) couldn’t be more false; bad sex is a hell of a lot worse than no sex.\*\* . . . and this mostly describes my position. Lately I’ve tried to feel otherwise about the whole thing, but when I’m honest with myself, I have to admit I’m mostly taking any other view on faith. ---
**Author:** ![Tarantula](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e274bd/32.png) [@Tarantula](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tarantula)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2003, 12:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/57 "2003-07-04T12:37:49Z")
**WeRSauron** - unless your wife is ugly (in which case we go straight to another load of questions), what’s the matter with you ??? Women - if your (otherwise healthy) husband doesn’t want sex as much, or more, than you do, he thinks you’re ugly. Sorry, but IMHO that’s the truth… ---
**Author:** ![tanookie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/48db29/32.png) [@tanookie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tanookie)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2003, 12:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/58 "2003-07-04T12:56:26Z")
Tarantula that’s an awfully broad generalization… there are a lot of reasons for a man to not want sex as much as his wife without him thinking she is ugly. They could just have mismatched libidos. Your sex drive waxes and wanes over your lifetime and not always in synch with your partner. There are times when I’m the bunny and always asking him and there are times when he’s always looking for sex from me. He could have erectile problems or some other thing happening that embarass him and he figures avoiding sex is easier than dealing with the issue. Maybe there are stresses in his life that preoccupy him more than sex does. Maybe the partners view sex differently. Some people see it as an intense sharing, some as merely physical pleasure, some as an escape from day to day issues… some people see it as a combination of these things (I like crazycatlady’s description of the many layers of sex) So if she see’s sex as a comfort in times of stress and he doesn’t she may be after him more if there is something stressful in her/their life. I’m getting tired of listing stuff but you get the idea. That remark was just mean spirited (IMHO) Oh and Lizard… I have a few close friends who know quite a lot about my sex life. We offer suggestions for positions we’ve found particularly successful, borrow adult movies from eachother, debate the merits of shaving, and discuss various other sex issues. Some are girlfriends where we chat about things over coffee and some are couples where hubby and I have had some conversations over pizza that would surprise you. Books are only so helpful in answering questions and describing technique and the SDMB wasn’t always here for me to poll people with! ---
**Author:** ![yojimbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yojimbo/32/232_2.png) [@yojimbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yojimbo)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2003, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/59 "2003-07-04T12:59:21Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tarantula \* > Women - if your (otherwise healthy) husband doesn’t want sex as much, or more, than you do, he thinks you’re ugly. > > Sorry, but IMHO that’s the truth… IYHO maybe but it’s not the truth. There are many reasons why somebody may have a low sex drive, illness, depression, stress, sexual problem etc. Jumping to the “he thinks you’re ugly” option immediately is a bit silly IMHO. YMMV ---
**Author:** ![Tarantula](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e274bd/32.png) [@Tarantula](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tarantula)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2003, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/60 "2003-07-04T13:01:52Z")
All you listed were health issues. I said “your (otherwise healthy) husband”. I stand by that. And I agree that it is mean spirited, but in all fairness. What a stupid thread. Unless WeRSauron is an idiot, he knows what the fuss is about. It’s fucking _sex_. We’re programmed to think it’s the be-all, end-all. Christ on a Spike. Sometimes I lose faith. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575.md?page=4)