# What's the big deal about sex? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 1, 2003, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575 "2003-07-01T14:15:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![tanookie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/48db29/32.png) [@tanookie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tanookie)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2003, 1:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/61 "2003-07-04T13:10:47Z")
“otherwise healthy” is a vague description. Are you going to say that a low libido due to tiredness or stress is an illness? Are you covering all possible known or unknown physical and mental issues? Is simply having a different drive than his wife really an illness? Personally I always thought sex was horrible, messy and painful until I met my husband. This stems from the fact that I was sexually abused and everyone - including the guys I tried to date - were sexual bullies. I felt pressured to do something I found loathsome and thought I was destined to marry someone with whom I hated sex the least and just suffer through. I was so wrong! Sex with the right person for the right reasons is amazingly beautiful and lots of fun but we still have days/weeks when we’re off synch! ---
**Author:** ![Tarantula](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e274bd/32.png) [@Tarantula](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tarantula)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2003, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/62 "2003-07-04T13:19:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by tanookie \* > **…and everyone - including the guys I tried to date - were sexual bullies.** If “everyone” you dated was a sexual bully, I think being “off synch” should be the least of your worries. Spake the wise man “Get thee to a fucking shrink.” ---
**Author:** ![Tansu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/67e7ee/32.png) [@Tansu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tansu)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2003, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/63 "2003-07-04T13:46:04Z")
That’s harsh, rude, and unecessary. **tanookie** said clearly in her post that she had been sexually abused. That’s a big deal to cope with and get over. She also said clearly in her post that she now thinks sex with her husband is amazingly beautiful and lots of fun. So, using the brain, we can see that she has got over her issues. Using the brain once more, we can see that she doesn’t need your “wise man” advice to go see a shrink. And we hardly need tax the poor overworked brain at all to see that your comment was really rather rude. Rude isn’t always good, you know. Sometimes the _bourgeouis_ aren’t really _bourgeouis_ and don’t need to be _épatés_. Sometimes, nasty things are actually - gasp - nasty. ---
**Author:** ![lauramarlane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a5b964/32.png) [@lauramarlane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lauramarlane)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2003, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/64 "2003-07-04T13:49:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tarantula \* > \*\ ***WeRSauron** - unless your wife is ugly (in which case we go straight to another load of questions), what’s the matter with you ??? > > Women - if your (otherwise healthy) husband doesn’t want sex as much, or more, than you do, he thinks you’re ugly. > > Sorry, but IMHO that’s the truth… \*\* Sorry, **Tarantula** , but that’s not the way it works. I spent a lot of time thinking that things would have been different with my ex if I were different (smarter, prettier, sexier…insert miscellaneous quality here.) But that just wasn’t the case. Some people (both men and women) just aren’t as interested as others and it is as simple as that. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2003, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/65 "2003-07-04T14:30:28Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by CrazyCatLady \* > \*\* Personally, I’ve never known anyone who’s had earth-shattering, soul-shaking sweaty monkey fun who thought sex was no big deal. \*\* Preach it, sister!!! Seriously, I think you’re correct, **CCL**. When it’s good, it’s transforming. And **Tarantula** appears to be under the impression that his experience is universal. A common misapprehension of youth. Life generally corrects that impression, over time. ---
**Author:** ![Tarantula](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e274bd/32.png) [@Tarantula](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tarantula)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2003, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/66 "2003-07-04T14:30:29Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tansu \* > \*\*That’s harsh, rude, and unecessary. > **tanookie** said clearly in her post that she had been sexually abused. That’s a big deal to cope with and get over. \*\* Yeah, fine. But _everyone_ she dated? Where was she meeting her boyfriends - jail ??? Sheesh - have some character judgement… ---
**Author:** ![Davebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@Davebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Davebear)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2003, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/67 "2003-07-04T14:57:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tarantula \* > \*\*Sheesh - have some character judgement… \*\* I think **Tanookie** has already demonstrated excellent character judgement. She married a really good man, and she’s dismissed you. ---
**Author:** ![tanookie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/48db29/32.png) [@tanookie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tanookie)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2003, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/68 "2003-07-04T15:36:14Z")
Tarantula… I will admit I dated a statistically small sampling before meeting my husband. I met the males in question at school and around my neighborhood. The wake-up call of a lifetime came for me when I realized I kept dating people who treated me like my father (my abuser) I decided I wasn’t slated to a miserable life and needed to forge my own future. I then met my future husband and discovered what a real relationship was like. Off synch was the least of my problems then but I worked through them. Methinks you need to take your own advice and hie thee to a shrink! You seem overly bitter about this whole thread! ---
**Author:** ![Pebbles131](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/eada6e/32.png) [@Pebbles131](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pebbles131)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2003, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/69 "2003-07-04T15:51:17Z")
I spy, with my little eye, someone who ain’t gettin’ any! I wanted to marry everyone I dated and fortunately everyone I dated wanted to marry me. ---
**Author:** ![finette6](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7993a0/32.png) [@finette6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/finette6)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2003, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/70 "2003-07-04T16:16:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Pebbles131 \* > \*\*I have a very wierd sex drive. There, I said it!! I can happily go for weeks, sometimes months without wanting sex at all (my poor husband!) and my hubby is fantastic, doesnt pressure me too much, doesnt get narky about it. But once I DO have sex, thats it, the beast is let loose!! Its pretty much all I can think about and Im pretty much always up for it (my poor husband!!) > > Please someone tell me Im not the only one like this! \*\* You’re not! I don’t want to get too personal here, but my SO tries to accomodate me and I [ahem] accomodate him during dry bits and we both enjoy the not-so dry ones. ---
**Author:** ![Feynn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecb155/32.png) [@Feynn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feynn)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2003, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/71 "2003-07-04T16:32:19Z")
What’s the big deal about sex? I have been doing intensive research on this very subject for decades… I keep losing my notes and then have to resort to doing more research. It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2003, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/72 "2003-07-04T16:39:27Z")
**tanookie** , congratulations on breaking the cycle. Some people never manage to do it. ---
**Author:** ![Space\_Vampire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Space\_Vampire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Space_Vampire)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2003, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/73 "2003-07-04T17:03:46Z")
Some of you may not remember that the OP has some “special” circumstances with his marriage that may explain a little bit about why he isn’t enjoying his sex life. Look it up. ---
**Author:** ![occ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8c91f0/32.png) [@occ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/occ)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2003, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/74 "2003-07-04T17:44:11Z")
I’m going to put forth a not-very-popular opinion. When discussions like this come up, the general “acceptable” advice is that “Well, people have different sex drives, and you should talk to a counsellor, or find a partner with a compatible sex drive, etc, etc, etc”. While ditching someone with no sex drive is all well and good, here’s an interesting point: why does nobody ever suggest seeing a doctor about increasing the sex drive of the one in question? Obviously, not everybody is going to want to have sex at quite the same frequency, but healthy people of a certain age generally desire sex with some regularity. No desire for sex is often indicative of hormonal irregularity, which can often lead to other problems. So what’s my advice? For those who don’t see the “big deal” about sex, consider getting thyroid, free testosterone, and so forth levels checked. Might not be the issue, but obviously there are biological reasons for the existence of a sex drive, and a severe lack of one can be symptomatic of a physiological condition that should be checked out. One of the MD Dopers can surely provide more info, but your local endocrinologist is your best bet. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2003, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/75 "2003-07-04T18:32:29Z")
Low testosterone levels do cause a low sex drive in many men, which can be reversed by giving testosterone. Having said that however, the vast majority of men with low sex drives have normal testosterone levels, and giving them supplements of testosterone will not affect their sex drive. Women actually tend to respond to testosterone supplementation with increased sex drive far more often than men do. But it’s still not real straight-forward. I’d educated guesstimate that maybe about 10% of people with “low” sex drives do actually benefit by hormone supplementation. But **occ** does make a very good point. Before embarking on lots and lots of family and couples therapy, check with a physician first, in case you are one of the 10% QtM, MD ---
**Author:** ![pepperlandgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f17d59/32.png) [@pepperlandgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pepperlandgirl)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2003, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/76 "2003-07-04T18:47:57Z")
Aren’t you the Mormon who married the Muslim woman by arrangement? Dude, I think that might be your problem. No offense to the Mormons on the board, but they(The Mormons I know IRL) are some of the most sexually repressed people I have ever met inmy entire life. My sister, the devout Mormon, informed me a few weeks ago that masturbation is a disgusting, dirty animalistic habit, and the only women who “do it” have serious issues with themselves. The best way to avoid dirtying yourself like this to read a book, read the scriptures, and go to The Temple. I think she’s oging to have a very, very sad life. Especially when she gets married. And I know _exactly_ where she got those ideas, because I was indoctrinated the same way…fortunately my obsessoin with sex far outweighed anything the Church could drive in my head. Furthermore, if you married your wife becaus it was arranged you and thought it was the right thing to do, you may just not be that attracted to her. And if she’s as repressed as I suspect most Mormons are, then it’s really not going to be any fun. Not to be too personal, but when you had sex, what did you do? Standard 5 minutes of pokey-pokey? Did you try oral sex? Manual stimulation? Toys? Role-playing? “Dirty” talk? Reading or watching porn together? There’s a lot more to sex than intercourse. ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2003, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/77 "2003-07-04T20:08:11Z")
Well, to provide a contrasting experience, the Mormons I know are not repressed. In fact, many of them have what I consider to be very healthy, practical, matter-of-fact attitudes towards sex. In high school, the guy I dated (not a Mormon, and an atheist, FTR) knew _nothing_. I had to explain the Facts of Life to him–diagrams and all. He was under the impression that “girls had 7 or 8 openings” (terrifyingly enough, he had gotten that from his friend, who was sleeping with his gf). Similar things happened with other guys I dated, none of whom were LDS. At the same time, I was having friendly, frank conversations with my Mormon friends–all theoretical, of course! I had roommates whose parents told them plenty. Then I met my husband, who is pretty much the only LDS guy I ever dated for long, and was pleasantly surprised. His mother (a Utah pioneer-family Mormon), a sensible woman, had told him everything he needed to know and instilled him with a good attitude. Now, I have multitudinous married Mormon friends. They mostly seem pretty happy, and don’t strike me as repressed in the least. Certainly our conversations don’t point that way. I don’t think we are either, thankyouverymuch. Just because we save it for marriage, doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy it plenty once we get started. All of which has very little to do with the OP, which I think is probably about other things. I’d second the advice to see a doctor for physical issues, and remind the OP that it can take a little practice to get good at it if you’ve never done it before. ---
**Author:** ![WeRSauron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f19dbf/32.png) [@WeRSauron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WeRSauron)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2003, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/78 "2003-07-07T13:51:27Z")
It ain’t about the religion, that I can tell you. I know _far more_ about sex than my wife, and am far more adventurous and exploring than she is. She has a great time - I can see it. It’s nice to know that I can make her feel that way. I find it enjoyable, but just don’t get as much out of it as she does. Other special circumstances may exist, which may or may not affect the issue at hand. None of them related to religion. WRS ---
**Author:** ![WeRSauron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f19dbf/32.png) [@WeRSauron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WeRSauron)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2003, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575/79 "2003-07-07T13:56:42Z")
**Tarantula** - my wife is very pretty, attractive, etc. Not all men are the same, even sexually. Comments from friends and relatives confirm this. I have a number of friends who’ve never had sex and see no hurry to do so. (They’re gay, so I don’t know if that makes a difference.) WRS [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-big-deal-about-sex/185575.md?page=3)