# what's the deal with shaking hands? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 26, 2010, 7:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-deal-with-shaking-hands/555078 "2010-09-26T07:28:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2010, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-deal-with-shaking-hands/555078/81 "2010-09-27T23:33:53Z")
> [@Gestalt](#): > > > [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > > > Newsflash Orthodox Jews and Muslims are not the only people on earth who have moral objections to socially touching the opposite sex. > > Uh, I think they might be though. In fact, I’ve never really heard about any other groups. Even the ueber Christian types who don’t let their women cut their hair allow handshakes, as far as I know. I think the Amish do to. > > Anyways, what religious or ethnic group do you belong to, where you have that rule? Actually, I’ve known many conservative Christians that object to social touching among unmarried members of the opposite sex. And there are many minority religions from some Gnostics and some Wiccans to ancient unbroken tribal faiths that have similiar beliefs. I’m Roma. I’m a wise women and in my family’s tradiations that means I don’t socially touch any man other than my husband. It’s a rule for spiritual purity. Social touching (hugs, hand holding, etc.) with my son would be permissable, but I hate kids. So sometimes rather than spend half a day giving someone a cultural anthropology lesson about the migration of Roma to Europe from India in the 15th century C.E. and the various different religious and cultural beliefs found among Roma groups throughout the world, I just let them think I’m Muslim or a Hasidic Jew and hope they don’t stab or gas me. ---
**Author:** ![Balthisar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/balthisar/32/2825_2.png) [@Balthisar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balthisar)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2010, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-deal-with-shaking-hands/555078/82 "2010-09-27T23:47:56Z")
> [@guizot](#): > > > [@Balthisar](#): > > > > …A cold that I _got because_ the social convention here is to kiss one’s opposite sex friends instead of a handshake, and so I kissed a girl with a cold. > > A lot of my friends do that here in L.A., too, but it’s not like you smack each other on the lips. The real risk is when you touch your eyes or nostrils right after putting your hands on something that has a virus. But it can be _ **anything** _: a person’s hand, a doorknob, a telephone, light switch. Well, when I see my friend at lunch and kiss her on the cheek, 20 other guys have already kissed her on the cheek. It’s kind of like I’m kissing those 20 other guys on the lips. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![congodwarf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e36b37/32.png) [@congodwarf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/congodwarf)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2010, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-deal-with-shaking-hands/555078/83 "2010-09-28T04:22:27Z")
> [@Pixiesnix](#): > > My mother has an immune disorder\*, which she very nicely explains when she meets new people. So it’s she who can catch an excitingly infectious disease from a handshake. Nobody has taken offense so far, though. I never had a problem shaking hands until I developed elbow problems. Why does everyone feel the need to have a really firm grip and to shake really hard? These days when necessary I just say, “I’m sorry, shaking hands hurts.” I leave it at that. Some people want to know why and I have no problem telling them that my tennis elbow radiates down to my wrists. Other than that, no one has ever had an issue with it. ---
**Author:** ![Odesio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/odesio/32/20003_2.png) [@Odesio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odesio)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2010, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-deal-with-shaking-hands/555078/84 "2010-09-28T04:55:39Z")
I’m just curious. How many people participating in this thread have had the experience of having someone refuse to shake hands with them? It’s certainly not a situation I’ve ever found myself in. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2010, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-deal-with-shaking-hands/555078/85 "2010-09-28T04:59:37Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > > [@Gestalt](#): > > > > Uh, I think they might be though. In fact, I’ve never really heard about any other groups. Even the ueber Christian types who don’t let their women cut their hair allow handshakes, as far as I know. I think the Amish do to. > > > > Anyways, what religious or ethnic group do you belong to, where you have that rule? > > Actually, I’ve known many conservative Christians that object to social touching among unmarried members of the opposite sex. And there are many minority religions from some Gnostics and some Wiccans to ancient unbroken tribal faiths that have similiar beliefs. I’m Roma. I’m a wise women and in my family’s tradiations that means I don’t socially touch any man other than my husband. It’s a rule for spiritual purity. Social touching (hugs, hand holding, etc.) with my son would be permissable, but I hate kids. So sometimes rather than spend half a day giving someone a cultural anthropology lesson about the migration of Roma to Europe from India in the 15th century C.E. and the various different religious and cultural beliefs found among Roma groups throughout the world, I just let them think I’m Muslim or a Hasidic Jew and hope they don’t stab or gas me. Yes, but none of that was at risk on the board. There was no reason to choose not to reveal your ethnicity/religion (even though I’m shocked so many people didn’t know it from your other posts.) All it did was allow misconceptions to form. I know it might not be taboo in your culture, but in this one, that is a form of deceit and lying, and therefore bad. Being Roma, your interactions with mainstream society is going to be very, very different. And I can accept that. But the thing is, you are the one refusing to accept that societies are different, choosing to characterize people who do something against your societal norms as being bad people. So, guess what? People are going to do the same thing back to you. And, when it all comes down to it, there are way more of us than there are of you, and even Roma culture is getting smaller every day. So when it comes to having opposite cultural perspectives, I’m okay with choosing the one that’s most likely to continue and thus cause me less stress either learning a new one or trying to force someone else to learn mine. ---
**Author:** ![congodwarf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e36b37/32.png) [@congodwarf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/congodwarf)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2010, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-deal-with-shaking-hands/555078/86 "2010-09-28T05:00:25Z")
I have only a twice. Both were customers of mine. In each case, the husband shook my hand and out of symmetry, I went to shake the wife’s hand. In each case, they politely refused for reason of arthritis. I have only had to refuse a couple of times because usually my right arm pain isn’t bad enough to affect my hand. I have never had anyone refuse for reasons relating to religion, culture, or germophobia. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2010, 7:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-deal-with-shaking-hands/555078/87 "2010-09-28T07:44:14Z")
> [@Odesio](#): > > I’m just curious. How many people participating in this thread have had the experience of having someone refuse to shake hands with them? It’s certainly not a situation I’ve ever found myself in. I have had this, usually for religious reasons regarding opposite sexes not touching. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2010, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-deal-with-shaking-hands/555078/88 "2010-09-28T12:52:36Z")
> [@Odesio](#): > > > [@trapezoidal\_jellyfish](#): > > > > For those who said they wouldn’t hire someone who doesn’t shake hands: just out of curiosity, do you have hard-and-fast rules about other social faux-pas? If a candidate comes 15 minutes late to an interview, do you automatically decide not to hire them? What about if they have very clear views on politics and insult the opposition, not knowing what the views are of others in the room? > > Certainly. It is very unlikely that I would hire a candidate that was 15 minutes late to an interview. The same goes for a candidate who decides to bash one political side or the other during an interview. Tardiness demonstrates that the candidate cannot manage his or her time. Insulting the political opposition demonstrates to me that the candidate does not know when it’s appropriate to say those kinds of things. The lack of a handshake further demonstrates the candidates lack of social graces. (I’m sure you didn’t mean a candidate that did all three things in the same interview though.) I once was one hour late for an interview, due to bad directions. I finally found the place, went in apologizing profusely but saying I thought they might want to update said directions, got the interview anyway and ended up as “first reserve” (it was for two summer internships). While it definitely was an unusual situation, “never say never”. I would find someone who shakes my hand (or kiss-kisses) with a cold much more impolite than someone who refuses saying “sorry, I’ve got a cold”. I’ve seen this second situation in several countries and the person who’d offered to shake usually answered “oh, I see, thank you”; I’ve been the person with a cold in the US and in several cases had the other person grab my hand anyway (and I mean grab, as I was not moving it forward). Maybe it’s part of the same cultural package as “having a limited number of sick days” or something… maybe in the US it’s more important to play the expected role than to take care of the people around you. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2010, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-deal-with-shaking-hands/555078/89 "2010-09-28T13:22:25Z")
> [@Odesio](#): > > I’m just curious. How many people participating in this thread have had the experience of having someone refuse to shake hands with them? It’s certainly not a situation I’ve ever found myself in. Never. However I am never the one initiating a handshake. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2010, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-deal-with-shaking-hands/555078/90 "2010-09-28T13:35:48Z")
> [@Odesio](#): > > I’m just curious. How many people participating in this thread have had the experience of having someone refuse to shake hands with them? It’s certainly not a situation I’ve ever found myself in. A few times, but those were so long ago I don’t really remember them. I’m the refuser more often, and then because of the aforementioned cheese doodle or baby back rib hands. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2010, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-deal-with-shaking-hands/555078/91 "2010-09-28T13:39:40Z")
1. I’m a 34 YO woman who is very happy that women have earned the right to shake hands; I plan to continue to do so, and if you don’t like it it’s your lookout, because I don’t do it for dominance or anything like that, I do it because… 2. It is a simple acknowledgement of your humanity. You are people, I am people, we are all suffering the common human condition, and it is simply a way of bridging the gap between us. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2010, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-deal-with-shaking-hands/555078/92 "2010-09-28T14:19:44Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > There are times when I refuse to shake someone’s hand – if I’ve been eating cheese doodles or baby back ribs, for instance – but in those cases I explain why, and the other person always understands. And that sort of humorous exchange is another way of establishing intimacy, so it actually serves a similar purpose. > [@Gestalt](#): > > In all fairness though, you can’t really turn down the request without looking like a total douche. I disagree. If the person handles it with grace, then they don’t look like a douche. A simple “sorry I can’t, but it’s very nice to meet/see you” covers pretty much all situations. I’ve had people say this to me and it wasn’t weird or awkward at all. I suppose it was the implicit acknowledgement that they were the ones violating mainstream social convention and that it wasn’t a matter of me acting inappropriately. Here’s a question for those of you who may have an…uh…non-standard right hand and a normal left hand: do you prefer to extend your left or your right? And those of you who have encountered this situation, which do you find more awkward? Personally, I’ve experienced it both ways. I find the right/left handshake less awkward, but the other way is no big deal either. It’s a bit odd to shake hands with a hook, but I’m glad the person didn’t feel that he couldn’t shake hands because of it. ETA–I totally agree with **'Mika** about appreciating the fact that I’m “allowed” to participate in this social ritual on the same footing as a man. ---
**Author:** ![llcoolbj77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/eb9ed0/32.png) [@llcoolbj77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/llcoolbj77)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2010, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-deal-with-shaking-hands/555078/93 "2010-09-28T14:32:11Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > 1. I’m a 34 YO woman who is very happy that women have earned the right to shake hands; I plan to continue to do so, and if you don’t like it it’s your lookout, because I don’t do it for dominance or anything like that, I do it because… > 2. It is a simple acknowledgement of your humanity. You are people, I am people, we are all suffering the common human condition, and it is simply a way of bridging the gap between us. This exactly. As a female attorney, I shake hands a lot. With prosecutors, clients, colleagues, etc… A handshake can communicate many things, but mostly, an acknowlegement of the other shaker as an equal. ---
**Author:** ![Mijin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mijin/32/9369_2.png) [@Mijin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mijin)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2010, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-deal-with-shaking-hands/555078/94 "2010-09-28T15:40:27Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Actually, I’ve known many conservative Christians that object to social touching among unmarried members of the opposite sex. And there are many minority religions from some Gnostics and some Wiccans to ancient unbroken tribal faiths that have similiar beliefs. I’m Roma. I’m a wise women and in my family’s tradiations that means I don’t socially touch any man other than my husband. I’ve got to say this is more extreme than I thought the tradition went. For example, I just finished a course where there were many arab women, who wore the hijab and objected to male touching (but seemed to touch other women excessively…). Even they however made an exception for shaking hands, accepting how important a social convention it is here, as well as how completely non-sexual it is. When you go shopping, do you ask that the teller drop the money into your hand to avoid any _gasp_ possible hand contact? ---
**Author:** ![MegaBee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f0a364/32.png) [@MegaBee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MegaBee)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2010, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-deal-with-shaking-hands/555078/95 "2010-09-28T16:14:54Z")
> [@Ogre](#): > > :rolleyes: Dopers can be such a precious lot. I know, right? ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2010, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-deal-with-shaking-hands/555078/96 "2010-09-28T16:17:04Z")
> [@Sarahfeena](#): > > > [@Gestalt](#): > > > > In all fairness though, you can’t really turn down the request without looking like a total douche. > > I 100% disagree. A polite, “I’m sorry, I don’t shake hands” is perfectly polite and not douchelike at all. You should probably add a white lie there about having a cold. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2010, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-deal-with-shaking-hands/555078/97 "2010-09-28T16:33:46Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > [@Sarahfeena](#): > > > > I 100% disagree. A polite, “I’m sorry, I don’t shake hands” is perfectly polite and not douchelike at all. > > You should probably add a white lie there about having a cold. or leprosy. People still contract leprosy, right? ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2010, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-deal-with-shaking-hands/555078/98 "2010-09-28T17:11:48Z")
Yes, but these days it’s usually referred to “Hanson’s Disease” and quite treatable. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2010, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-deal-with-shaking-hands/555078/99 "2010-09-28T17:52:40Z")
NM ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2010, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-deal-with-shaking-hands/555078/100 "2010-09-28T18:00:09Z")
> [@Mijin](#): > > > [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > > > Actually, I’ve known many conservative Christians that object to social touching among unmarried members of the opposite sex. And there are many minority religions from some Gnostics and some Wiccans to ancient unbroken tribal faiths that have similiar beliefs. I’m Roma. I’m a wise women and in my family’s tradiations that means I don’t socially touch any man other than my husband. > > I’ve got to say this is more extreme than I thought the tradition went. > > For example, I just finished a course where there were many arab women, who wore the hijab and objected to male touching (but seemed to touch other women excessively…). Even they however made an exception for shaking hands, accepting how important a social convention it is here, as well as how completely non-sexual it is. > > When you go shopping, do you ask that the teller drop the money into your hand to avoid any _gasp_ possible hand contact? If the teller is a man I just say please leave the change on the counter. Also, many small businesses (where I am most likely to be using cash) in my neighborhood are owned and run by Asian and Middle Eastern immigrants or descendents of immigrants. Here’s a tip, shopkeepers are more likely to bargain and offer extra services when you’re one of the customers who respects their culture also. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-deal-with-shaking-hands/555078.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-deal-with-shaking-hands/555078.md?page=6)