# What's the funniest/weirdest answering machine message you've ever heard? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 21, 2002, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000 "2002-11-21T19:35:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![mudcrutch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2bfe46/32.png) [@mudcrutch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mudcrutch)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/21 "2002-11-22T02:27:01Z")
A few years ago, my dad was having some fun recording weird messages into the answering machine. For some reason we left the house before he recorded the real message, so when somebody called they got this: [senile old man voice] “Hi, Martha. We knew it was you so we didn’t answer the phone. You can leave a message, but don’t expect a call back! Hahahhahhahah!” [/senile old man voice] When we got back home later that night, there were several messages on the machine from people who “must have the wrong number.” ---
**Author:** ![Silentgoldfish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@Silentgoldfish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silentgoldfish)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/22 "2002-11-22T02:37:04Z")
A friend of mine has the succint “This is a machine, you know how to use it.” When I was doing callouts at my job a while back one the machine’s was good enough that we marked the number and every tech called just to hear the message. The guy had done a whole mission impossible thing. “Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave a message” etc etc. ---
**Author:** ![Briny\_Deep](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/briny_deep/32/17188_2.png) [@Briny\_Deep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Briny_Deep)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/23 "2002-11-22T03:59:38Z")
[This](http://www.kithfan.org/work/transcripts/four/machine.html) is not to be missed. (a snippet) > [@](#): > > Kevin: We’re not here right now. We’re somewhere else. [Kevin stops the machine] > > Bruce: It’s not as easy as it looks, is it? > > Kevin: Shut up! > > [Kevin starts the machine again] > > Kevin: Eek! Eek! We’re out monkeying around and can’t come to the phone. Please leave a message after the Eek and we’ll swing on by. > > Bruce: See, you never finish anything you start. > > Kevin: Shut up! > > Bruce: You dropped out of college, you only took one vegetarian cooking class, it’s a joke. ---
**Author:** ![Ringo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/779978/32.png) [@Ringo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ringo)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/24 "2002-11-22T04:08:03Z")
I knew a fellow years ago whose message had very loud music playing while he said, “Hello?..Hello? What’s that? I can’t hear you!” One night I went out with a woman friend who was in a terrible mood; she recorded this before we left, “You don’t want to know how I’m doing! Do yourself a favor and call somebody else!” When my dad and stepmom first got an answering machine many years ago, they asked me to come over and set it up. I hooked it up and showed them the light that would indicate messages, how to retrieve them and showed them how to hold down the button and record a message by recording a sample message that I was sure they’d replace with their own. A week later they asked me to come by to show them how to record a message again, as their friends had been coming by unannounced. They’d left my sample message on, which said (and I sounded like my father), “Leave us alone!” ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/25 "2002-11-22T04:14:39Z")
My last name - due to marriage - is Arndt. Like Aren’t. The fun I have had with this name is nearly endless. My VM at work use to be “You’ve reached the desk of Shirley Arndt. I _arndt_ on the phone. I _arndt_ at my desk. and I _arndt_ working. (deadpan) ha ha. Leave you’re name, number and a brief message and I’ll get back to you ASAP. I _arndt_ kidding.” Everyone loved it and \*would you beleive \* that I actually had one woman chew me out because she said that my message was improper use of the english language…and then I pointed out nicely that my last name was ARNDT and it was a play on the name. She was mortified. The message on our machine at home use to say, \*\* " You’ve reached Arndt Home. We knew you were going to call so we up and left. \*\* Then the kids erased the message and I cannot remember how to re-do the dumb thing. ---
**Author:** ![Briny\_Deep](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/briny_deep/32/17188_2.png) [@Briny\_Deep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Briny_Deep)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/26 "2002-11-22T04:15:31Z")
And, to provide a real one or two: My mom used to have “Hi, you’ve reached _ **-** _\_. You know what to do. [beep]”. Ouch, I thought. I had a voice teacher, an excellent soprano, whose message consisted of her husband, a pianist, playing sloppy arpeggios while she _shrieked_ them hideously / hilariously. There was a calm voiceover saying “We’re having a lesson right now…” ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/27 "2002-11-22T04:17:47Z")
> [@](#): > > A frien dof mine was having a beastly time getting his voice-mail set up at home. For a short while, his outgoing message was “Shit, shit, shit, this thing doesn’t work!” > > The most bizarre though was from a friend of ours with a really twisted sense of humour. His message gave us the heebie-jeebies. > > It went: “Hi, this is Rich. I’m not able to take your call right now, please leave a message and I’ll call you back.” … > > No big deal, right? So WHY was it giving us the heebie-jeebies??? > > We called it three times before we figured it out. Throughout the entire length of the message a quiet, little voice was chanting in the background: “Kill your neighbour… Kill you neighbour… Kill your neighbour…” > > He changed the “subliminal” message each week. Some of them were quite funny, “you have to pee right NOW… you have to pee right NOW… you have to pee right NOW…” This is too funny! > [@](#): > > If you would like a preposition, press 2 or 4. > If you have recently had a meal, press 8. > If you would like to refuse in German, press 9. > If you would like to leave a message, wait for the beep and speak. > If you want to press 5, press 7. > If you want to press 6, press 2. > If you want to press 4, you have reached the wrong number. > > I saw that. Stop it right now! All right, sit still and wait…SIT STILL, I said. Wait for the beep. I like this one. I may try it, when I figure out my machine again. ---
**Author:** ![Latino\_Yoshi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/5e9695/32.png) [@Latino\_Yoshi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Latino_Yoshi)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/28 "2002-11-22T04:30:25Z")
My favorite answering machine message happens to be my own. Me and my roommate sung it accapella, myself providing the bass. (names changed) To the tune “Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego”: Oh we really are quite sorry Steve and Eric missed your phone call, We’re not here right now but when we are we’ll give you a call back, So please just leave your name and number and a message at the beep now. Tell me where in the world did Steve and Eric go to. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/29 "2002-11-22T04:36:47Z")
\*\*Latino Yoshi \*\* Welcome to SDMB! Great First Post! ---
**Author:** ![a35362](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@a35362](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/a35362)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/30 "2002-11-22T05:05:08Z")
My brother is David Letterman’s Biggest Fan, and when he was in the Air Force, his answering machine message was a different Top Ten List every day. Of course at some point his phone number found its way on to a men’s room wall. So every day he’d come home from his work shift and find something like 75 messages waiting for him. Almost all of them would be the sound of a guy laughing and hanging up, over and over and over. He said it was hard coming up with ten funny things on one topic every day, so sometimes it was the Top Four List or the Top Seven List instead. ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 5:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/31 "2002-11-22T05:11:37Z")
Latino, welcome! Your song is funny. Wish I could hear it. A friend of mine is friends with a well-known Broadway actress. I called his place once and she had recorded the answering machine message. It was so freaky to hear that familiar voice talking to **me**. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/32 "2002-11-22T05:24:00Z")
Raphie on The Sopranos had: “Hi this is Ralphie, leave a message after the beep. Oh, and leave your phone number, because with my busy schedule, I do _not_ have time to look up numbers.” It really isn’t that funny just reading it, but when I heard it, I couldn’t stop laughing. Happy ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/33 "2002-11-22T05:39:47Z")
There was a guy at my office whose voice mail message was HIM speaking as if he were his own secretary. “Hello, this is Mr. XYZ’s secretary, Mr. XYZ is unable to take your call…” The dude didn’t have a secretary, and probably hadn’t had one in 15 years! Totally surreal… ---
**Author:** ![yosemite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/3ab097/32.png) [@yosemite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yosemite)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 5:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/34 "2002-11-22T05:53:14Z")
Ages ago, when they were filming the American version of “Max Headroom”, one of my friends (a big movie geek who haunted the studios and had “connections”) gave me the number of the offices of the producers of the show. Apparently the guy who played Max (Matt Frewer) had graciously recorded a message for the answering machine. Frewer recorded the message in character as Max (a computer-generated character) and it was somewhat risque in content. I can’t remember the whole thing all these years later, but I do remember one line, which was something like, “say something dirty to me and make my floppy disks stiff.” Of course, as soon as enough of us fans started calling up the machine to listen to the message, they had to go and change it. Bummer…it was pretty damned hilarious. ---
**Author:** ![Latino\_Yoshi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/5e9695/32.png) [@Latino\_Yoshi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Latino_Yoshi)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 5:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/35 "2002-11-22T05:56:47Z")
One of my friends had the following message on her answering machine: Sorry, but we can’t come to the phone right now. Leave a message after the beep, but please keep it short. I’m blonde you know. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Wrong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@Mr.Wrong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Wrong)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 6:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/36 "2002-11-22T06:09:50Z")
I called my friends Doug and Julie and got this: [Doug’s voice] “Hi. We can’t take your call right now, Julie’s at church, and I’m at the liquor store.” ---
**Author:** ![Arden\_Ranger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b487fb/32.png) [@Arden\_Ranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arden_Ranger)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 6:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/37 "2002-11-22T06:44:18Z")
“You know what to do” _beep_ ---
**Author:** ![Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troy_mcclure_sf/32/4150_2.png) [@Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troy_McClure_SF)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 7:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/38 "2002-11-22T07:27:06Z")
“Sorry, I’m not home right now; I’m walking into spider webs. Leave a message at the beep.” “A is for ass, B is for beer, C is for college, and why I’m not here.” “You’ve reached. If you’d like to leave a message, wait for the tone. If not, even better.” ---
**Author:** ![auRa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c4cdca/32.png) [@auRa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auRa)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 8:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/39 "2002-11-22T08:59:26Z")
“This is **auRa’s** answering machine. If you are **auRa’s** friend, press 1. If you are a telemarketer, press 2. If you do not identify with either of the preceding categories, press 3. If you have realized by now that this pressing of buttons will not do you any good whatsoever, please leave a message after the tone. Alternatively, keep pressing buttons randomly until something happens.” On my cell phone a while back. I would get messages amounting to “_beep_ _beeeeeeep_ _beeeeeeeeeeeep_ this isn’t worki…aw crap” all the time. My friend had a rather interesting one, too. “Hello, this is _friend_. I am now going to read the first chapter of “Tess of the Durbervilles” into this machine. If you actually bother to listen the entire thing, your message is obviously of some importance and I will take it into consideration.” ---
**Author:** ![longjohn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/65b543/32.png) [@longjohn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/longjohn)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 10:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/40 "2002-11-22T10:24:48Z")
For quite a while I had “Hi, we’re probably in, but we’re trying to duck a call from someone. Leave your name, and if we don’t get back to you, it was you!” But that had to go as it was alienating too many people. So then we had: “Hi this is longjohn’s toaster, I’m afraid the answering machine can’t make it to the phone right now. Leave a message and I’ll pass it on.” We also had “if you’ve been a bad boy and need spanking, press one. If you want to hear what oral laura’s doing to hefty Harry, press two…” That one had to go after Granny rang one time and I wasn’t in. Years ago, when you actually recorded your outgoing message onto a cassette tape, a mate used to substitute the BBC’s recording of the original Hitch Hiker’s Guide radio series, or himself reading selections from Edgar Allen Poe. We’d ring up every week to get the next installment. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000.md?page=3)