# What's the funniest/weirdest answering machine message you've ever heard? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 21, 2002, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000 "2002-11-21T19:35:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Mr.Miskatonic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mr.miskatonic/32/310_2.png) [@Mr.Miskatonic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Miskatonic)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/61 "2002-11-22T18:46:23Z")
A couple I have used "You have reached the non-sequitor hotline. Press 1 if you like pudding. Press 4 if you think the president is doing a good job. Press 9 if your car’s wheel are due for rotation. \ “This 387-\*\*\*\* \ Stop STARING AT ME!!! \” One used on election day: “Hi, its election day, just remmeber that if you hurry, you can vote in at least three states!” The local DNC callled me place to ‘get out the vote’ and got that message. The message they left was as hesitant a ‘remember to vote’ comment as I have ever heard. ---
**Author:** ![Cyrin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Cyrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyrin)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/62 "2002-11-22T18:56:18Z")
I recorded these clips from the simpsons… they made GREAT messages! “Boo doo doop. The fingers you have used to dial, are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm… now.” Homer Singing: "There was a little Spanish flea. A record star he thought he’d be. He heard of singers like Beatles, The Chipmunks he’d seen on TV. Why not a little Spanish flea? ``` And so he hid inside a dog..." ``` and a personal favourite… “Hello, and welcome to the Springfield Police Department Resc-u-Fone. If you know the name of the felony being committed, press one. To choose from a list of felonies, press two. If you are being murdered or calling from a rotary phone, please stay on the line. Bart: [growls, punches some numbers] Voice: You have selected regicide. If you know the name of the king or queen being murdered, press one.” The cool part was I never had anyone leave a message, worried if they had the right number… I seem to have some sort of reputation which involves a Simpsons obsession… No idea how that happened… ---
**Author:** ![Politzania](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3ab097/32.png) [@Politzania](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Politzania)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/63 "2002-11-22T19:02:01Z")
Hi, you’ve reached X & Y. We can’t come to the phone right now. Our dog would answer the phone, but she doesn’t have opposable thumbs. So please leave a message. ---
**Author:** ![Calanctus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bcef8e/32.png) [@Calanctus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Calanctus)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/64 "2002-11-22T19:06:40Z")
A friend of mine had this on his machine in college: \ Joel’s out right now… Joel’s in… Joel’s out… Joel’s busy, he’ll call you back!!! _beep_ \ ---
**Author:** ![Homer\_J](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c37758/32.png) [@Homer\_J](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Homer_J)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/65 "2002-11-22T19:19:01Z")
my dads friend’s went like this ‘cant answer the phone right now, too busy fighting the zulu’s, will get back to you at sundown’ - but all done in manic/panic style very funny. total eccentric. ---
**Author:** ![DelosD](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ac91a4/32.png) [@DelosD](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DelosD)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/66 "2002-11-22T19:24:40Z")
Love the one about the world’s greatest psychic! I used to have a message that opened with several seconds of Pink Floyd. Singing “Welcome my son, welcome to the machine…” You know, I never got a single comment on that. ---
**Author:** ![frankus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bc8723/32.png) [@frankus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/frankus)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/67 "2002-11-22T19:36:23Z")
“Hi, this is XXXX. I’m probably home right now, but I’m avoiding someone I don’t like; so leave a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.” … Beep. ---
**Author:** ![Hoopy\_Frood](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hoopy_frood/32/8452_2.png) [@Hoopy\_Frood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hoopy_Frood)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/68 "2002-11-22T19:57:41Z")
My freshman year of college my roommate and I had the following. I had my hands cupped over my mouth doing my best Darth Vader impersonation while saying the main message, and my roommate was screaming the parenthetical statements in the background doing his best whiny Luke Skywalker impression. “Brent and Grant are busy being turned to the darkside of the force.” “(I’ll never join you!)” “Please leave your name and number after the tone…it is your destiny.” “(No! That’s not true! That’s impossible!)” ---
**Author:** ![Rattlecat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/a87d85/32.png) [@Rattlecat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rattlecat)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/69 "2002-11-22T20:37:22Z")
Mine used to be the sound of a gunfight with me sporadically shouting (ostensibly above the sound of gunfire) “Hi this is Bob” [bang bang bang] “I can’t come to the phone right now” [ricocheting bullet] “so leave a message” [bang bang] “and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can” [bang] “Arghh” I’ve been wanting to reinstate it but I can’t find the gunfight sounds. The timing of the shots was perfect. ---
**Author:** ![arjee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/2bfe46/32.png) [@arjee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/arjee)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/70 "2002-11-22T21:02:30Z")
Once upon a time, if you called my house, you’d hear a recording of The Doors… “Hello, I love you, won’t you tell me your name…BEEP.” ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/71 "2002-11-22T21:13:46Z")
A family we know is heavily involved in the local community theater, especially musical theater. Last I heard, their message was > [@](#): > > Jesus Christ, Superstar > We’re at the theater, that’s where we are > Leave a message, at the tone > We’ll call you back when we get home And a couple of mine: > [@](#): > > Hi, you’ve reached the \_\_\_\_s. If you’d like to speak to the head of the household, meow loudly, and if she feels like it, she’ll answer. To speak to a human, please leave a message after the beep. But my favorite was > [@](#): > > I’m sorry we can’t come to the phone right now, but we’ve all taken a monastic vow of silence. If you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll call you back when the Abbot gives us permission to speak. But we had to discontinue that one, when we actually did get a call from an abbot. And it wasn’t even the abbot whom we had thought might possibly call. ---
**Author:** ![GrandfatherTrout](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f17d59/32.png) [@GrandfatherTrout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandfatherTrout)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/72 "2002-11-22T21:33:05Z")
We went for brevity this time. “Trout! Boyfriend! Not Home! Beep!” ---
**Author:** ![crazy4chaucer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b5e925/32.png) [@crazy4chaucer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crazy4chaucer)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/73 "2002-11-22T21:41:55Z")
My sister and I once had a message saying, “Leave a message if you feel like it, and we’ll call you back if we feel like it.” Not all that spectacular. We did play around with some more goofy ones, but got our butts chewed by our Mom one day when she called our apartment to let us know some serious news. ---
**Author:** ![Lumps](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7bcc69/32.png) [@Lumps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumps)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/74 "2002-11-22T21:43:15Z")
A friend of a friend of mine was good with voices, and he had done a great Strother Martin from Cool Hand Luke: “What we have here is failure to communicate. Some men just can’t be reached.” ---
**Author:** ![Lathe\_of\_Heaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Lathe\_of\_Heaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lathe_of_Heaven)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/75 "2002-11-22T21:45:40Z")
A friend of mine has > [@](#): > > Hi. \'s answering machine is on vacation. This is her refrigerator. Please leave your message so that I can write it on a sticky note and stick it on myself. My freshman year of college, I had a They Might Be Giants snippet: “Don’t bother to call this room/ there’s nobody here who can pick up…” Right now, my message is “Back you call I’ll and, beep the after message a leave please. xxx-xxxx at \ reached you’ve, hi.” ---
**Author:** ![lovelyluka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f475e1/32.png) [@lovelyluka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lovelyluka)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/76 "2002-11-22T21:50:22Z")
the phone system of the dormitory i lived in last year didn’t go well with answering machines. first of all, no matter what, the answering machine picked up after one ring (damn short rings). i could never get to it in time. also, it recorded a message no matter what, even if it was silence, dial tones, or beeping. whenever i came in from class i’d have something like eighteen messages. so my message went something like… “hello? \ hey! \ yeah, this is sarah. \ ok, it’s sarah’s machine. DON’T HANG UP. now that my answering machine has come on, you’d better leave a message. got it? i mean it! ok. don’t forget it. ready? \” number of blank messages and unnecessary calls decreased dramatically. ---
**Author:** ![Marvel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/779978/32.png) [@Marvel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marvel)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/77 "2002-11-22T21:52:03Z")
“Hello!..Hello?.. HA! Fooled you! I’m not in, but please leave your name, number…” “Marvel House of Ill-Repute! Please leave your name, number and fetish at the sound of the tone!” My parents hated that one. “Hi, you’ve reached Patty’s answering machine. [usual info] … and if you’re a bill collector, Patty will call you as soon as she gets back from Siberia.” “Is Bob there?” My hubby, back when we were a-courtin’, left some Kate Bush music and the promise to “get right back to that special someone.” Awww! Geo is in charge of the machine now. His Halloween one featured a pretty good Bela Lugosi impression. And one of these days, I’d LOVE to us a sound bite from the Laurie Anderson song, O Superman." About two mintues in, she says “Hi there! I’m not home right now, but if you’d like to leave your name and number…” etc. I think that song is on her “Big Science” CD. Check it out! Patty ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2002, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/78 "2002-11-22T22:27:41Z")
I like the Pink Floyd “Welcome to the Machine” one. Now I just have to convince my wife. (My dad also used to have the Doors “Hello I love you” one.) Way back in the summer after high school, I had an upstairs line in my parents’ house. The message I put on the machine was simply fifteen seconds of heavy breathing, obscene-caller style. I had to change it after the various places I had applied for work started commenting on it when they called. It was pretty funny until then. And for a year in college, I lived with two female roommates. We put the “Three’s Company” jingle on our machine. ---
**Author:** ![benson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea5d25/32.png) [@benson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/benson)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2002, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/79 "2002-11-23T00:14:12Z")
A friend of mine in high school used to have a great message that her whole family would get together to do every Christmas. The whole family would sing this in harmony (to the tune of the part of We Wish You A Merry Christmas that goes “Good tidings to you…”): There’s no one at home, We can’t answer the phone. We wish you a Merry Christmas, Leave a message at the tone! ---
**Author:** ![ratatoskK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ratatoskk/32/2987_2.png) [@ratatoskK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ratatoskK)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2002, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/80 "2002-11-23T00:50:51Z")
My friend had a pack of barking dogs on his. No voice at all. His friends knew about it and would leave a message, but strangers were freaked out. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000.md?page=5)