# What's the funniest/weirdest answering machine message you've ever heard? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 21, 2002, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000 "2002-11-21T19:35:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Cardinal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cardinal/32/4000_2.png) [@Cardinal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cardinal)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2002, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/101 "2002-11-24T04:17:21Z")
Two friends in college: “What would frogs sound like if they drank root beer?” “Ribbitbraaaaaapribbitbraaaaaabribbitbraaaaab…” ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2002, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/102 "2002-11-24T13:21:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by monica \* > \*\*Found this on [www.awaymessages.com](http://www.awaymessages.com) > > “I am not currently available right now. However, if you would like to be transfered to another correspondent, please press the number that best fits your personality: > -If you are obsessive compulsive, please press “1” repeatedly. > -If you are codependant, please ask someone to press “2”. > -If you have multiple personalitites, please press “3”, “4”, and “5”. > -If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace your call. > -If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the little voice will tell you which number to press. > -If you are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter what number you press, no one will answer.” \*\* This is funny. ---
**Author:** ![gex\_gex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/94ad74/32.png) [@gex\_gex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gex_gex)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2002, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/103 "2002-11-24T14:05:38Z")
> [@](#): > > > [@](#): > > > > “You brighten my life like a polystyrine hat, but it melts in the sun like a life without love, and I’ve waited for you, so I’ll keep holding on without you” > > You know this is a song quote, right? From a crap song. Yup, it’s from Silverchair’s _Without You_, from their latest album _Diorama_. The song is OK, but the album is shite. I don’t think it’s got a US release yet, due to Daniel Johns being arthritic and unable to promote the album properly. ---
**Author:** ![Lazlo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lazlo/32/9678_2.png) [@Lazlo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lazlo)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2002, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/104 "2002-11-24T17:17:00Z")
Once, when I was visiting a female friend, I changed the message when she was out of the room. Me, in my obviously male voice: _Hello, this is Christine. I’m not feeling like myself right now, but if you leave a message, I’ll get back to you when I do._ She went almost a whole semester without realizing it was changed. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![caviator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df788c/32.png) [@caviator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/caviator)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2002, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/105 "2002-11-24T17:31:56Z")
Hi, This is john’s microwave oven. The answering machine is broken right now, but if you need something cooked, hold it up to the phone at the sound of the beep. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mermaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2002, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/106 "2002-11-24T21:27:56Z")
Several of my own messages. “:sound of Sting’s “Fields of Gold” in the background: Sexy female DJ voice. :hello you are listening to the XXX family answering machine located at 42X-XXXX on your easy listening dial. Please leave a message while we pause for caller identification.” “Ok–Go!” "You’ve reached Cindi’s Massage Parlor where We _never_ rub you the wrong way. I’m sorry but the phone’s too slippery to hold on to right now. Please leave a message, ---
**Author:** ![m\_groves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/aca169/32.png) [@m\_groves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/m_groves)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2002, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/107 "2002-11-24T23:25:30Z")
Well, I like my own: “Hello, you’ve reached \*\*\*\*\*\*\*. No one can come to the phone, but if you’ll leave your name & number and the amount of your pledge, we’ll get back to you.” It’s been running for a couple of years now, and I’m trying to think of an appropriate sequel. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2002, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/108 "2002-11-25T03:59:13Z")
This thread has brought out alot of lurkers! Welcome! I’ve been inspired to fiddle with my answering machine and have come up with the intro to Jonny Lange’s \*Lie to me \* in the back ground and me saying " You’ve reached X . Our message today is \* Lie to me…and tell me everything is alright \*. ---
**Author:** ![HammerSandwich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e19b73/32.png) [@HammerSandwich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HammerSandwich)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2002, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/109 "2002-11-25T05:25:02Z")
A few years ago, while renting a house, I got several messages a day for home equity loans, etc. This had to end. “Hi, you’ve reached HammerSandwich. Please listen carefully and select the appropriate item. If this is a personal call, press 1. If you are a family member, press 2. If you are a co-worker, press 3. If you are calling about long-distance service, vinyl siding, a credit card, a home-equity loan, or any other unsolicited promotion, press 666 and go straight to hell.” Worked **GREAT!** ---
**Author:** ![Jervoise](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d2c977/32.png) [@Jervoise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jervoise)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2002, 9:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/110 "2002-11-25T09:13:02Z")
This is the Voice-mail message on my mobile: “Hi, it’s you-know-who, I’m you-know-where so leave a you-know-what you-know-when!” ---
**Author:** ![m\_groves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/aca169/32.png) [@m\_groves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/m_groves)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2002, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/111 "2002-11-25T14:50:02Z")
Though slightly off-topic, I’ve discovered a new way to deal with telemarketers: as soon as it’s evident you have one on the line, just say “please hold on” and put the phone down. Haven’t had the chance to try it yet. ---
**Author:** ![Paul\_in\_Qatar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ccd318/32.png) [@Paul\_in\_Qatar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Paul_in_Qatar)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2002, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/112 "2002-11-25T16:12:29Z")
Moine is a recording of the Phone Company’s “Beep Beep BEEP… We’re sorry your called did not go through please check the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance.” My friends and family know the scam, nobody else does. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2002, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/113 "2002-11-25T23:37:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by m\_groves \* > Though slightly off-topic, I’ve discovered a new way to deal with telemarketers: as soon as it’s evident you have one on the line, just say “please hold on” and put the phone down. Haven’t had the chance to try it yet. When I worked in technical support, we called this “terminal hold,” and it worked great on all sorts of annoying callers. ---
**Author:** ![capacitor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e47774/32.png) [@capacitor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capacitor)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2002, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/114 "2002-11-25T23:39:53Z")
Some of my colleagues have movie quotes as answering machine. My favorite was Samuel L. Jackson’s first Ezekiel 25:17 interpretation from Pulp Fiction. ---
**Author:** ![bauble](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f6c823/32.png) [@bauble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bauble)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2002, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/115 "2002-11-26T16:13:10Z")
I recorded this message for my friend, D.: “Hi, this is **bauble** , if you were trying to reach me, you’ve dialed the wrong number; if you were trying to reach D., please leave a message.” She took it off after getting fed up with the number of hang-ups she got. ---
**Author:** ![Lazlo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lazlo/32/9678_2.png) [@Lazlo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lazlo)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2002, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/116 "2002-11-26T16:59:21Z")
**Caviator** , Where were you when the [“Who Is The Ultimate Lurker”](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=91516&highlight=ultimate+lurker) thread came out? Registered August 2000… Three Posts??? :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Zhora](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a5b964/32.png) [@Zhora](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zhora)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2002, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/117 "2002-11-26T20:10:45Z")
The Lunch Lady [http://www.lunchlady.com/](http://www.lunchlady.com/) Sharon Adl-Doost used to record the US Geological Survey daily lunch menu. The lunch menu was always delivered cheerfully and was oftentimes accompanied by singing. “In her cracked southern accent, Sharon would begin. ‘Good morning or good afternoon! Today we’re gonna feature the following. The soup of the day is gonna be Manhattan clam chowder. For the main event we are gonna have honey glazed pork chops. And for the vegetables mmm mmm mmm good ol’ mashed potatoes and gravy!’” She now does the recording for a convalescent home. The phone number for the convalescent home and mp3s of previous USGS recordings are available at the website. ---
**Author:** ![MrX881](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ea924/32.png) [@MrX881](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrX881)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2002, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/118 "2002-11-27T06:06:04Z")
“Hello? \ Hey, what’s up. \ Just chillin. \ \” Gets em every time ---
**Author:** ![grimpixie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecb155/32.png) [@grimpixie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grimpixie)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2002, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/119 "2002-11-27T13:58:57Z")
Heard on a friend’s voicemail: “Hi, this is XXXX’s voice - XXXX’s body has gone out for a night on the town and left me at home to answer the phone - as usual!! If you leave your name and number, I’ll think about passing the message on…” Grim ---
**Author:** ![rowrrbazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rowrrbazzle/32/414_2.png) [@rowrrbazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rowrrbazzle)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2002, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/120 "2002-11-28T22:19:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by MikeS \* > A friend of mine (a physics major in college) had the message: > > “You have reached an imaginary number. Please hang up, rotate your phone ninety degrees, and try your call again.” LOL! (math humor) > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by unclviny \* > (take a breath of helium) > You have reached ###-####, there’s no one here but us little people, call back later when the big people get home. You don’t need helium. You can get the same effect with lots of sound editing programs. Now that opens up some possibilities: > [@](#): > > I’m sorry, I > can’t answer the phone, > can’t answer the phone, > can’t answer the phone. > I’m sorry, I > can’t answer the phone, > So leave a little message at the beep! Sung to the tune of “Lullaby League”/“Lollipop Guild” from the Wizard of Oz. I have a CD that includes the background music for Ernie Kovacs’ character Percy Dovetonsils. Now all I need to do is write a clever little poem and practice my lisp! 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000.md?page=7)