# What's the funniest/weirdest answering machine message you've ever heard? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 21, 2002, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000 "2002-11-21T19:35:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Daerlyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/898d66/32.png) [@Daerlyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daerlyn)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2002, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/121 "2002-11-28T23:40:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Hoopy Frood \* > \*\*My freshman year of college my roommate and I had the following. > > I had my hands cupped over my mouth doing my best Darth Vader impersonation while saying the main message, and my roommate was screaming the parenthetical statements in the background doing his best whiny Luke Skywalker impression. > > “Brent and Grant are busy being turned to the darkside of the force.” > > “(I’ll never join you!)” > > “Please leave your name and number after the tone…it is your destiny.” > > “(No! That’s not true! That’s impossible!)” \*\* Dude, I don’t know about that message, but I can steal your sig line for my answering machine? Please? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Flamsterette\_X](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/41988e/32.png) [@Flamsterette\_X](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flamsterette_X)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2002, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/122 "2002-11-29T01:35:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Lazlo \* > \*\ ***Caviator** , > > Where were you when the [“Who Is The Ultimate Lurker”](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=91516&highlight=ultimate+lurker) thread came out? > > Registered August 2000… Three Posts??? :eek: \*\* Well, I was thinking that there were some other serious lurkers in this thread, as well… [ul] [li] **riggstx** , who registered in September 1999, and has 5 posts;[/li][li] **Calanctus** , who registered in August 2001, and has 6 posts;[/li][li] **Pez** , who registered in May 2000, and has 6 posts;[/li][li] **DelosD** , who registered in April 2000, and has 2 posts;[/li][li] **arjee** , who registered in March 2001, and has 3 posts;[/li][li] **Lumps** , who registered in August 2000, and has 1 post; and…[/li][li] **MikeS** , who registered in October 2001, and has 1 post[/li][/ul] (most notably the last two…) :eek: indeed… More on topic, though… my sister once came over to my apartment to hang out and such. Since I don’t like having my voice on the ansewring machine (I hate how my voice sounds on tapes and things; most notably in French 11 on a videotape we were doing), I was using the default message. (“After tone, record message.” in a slightly robotic female voice) My sister didn’t like that one, and set herself to record a new one. She fooled around with it for a while, then came up with this one, which I immediately erased for obvious reasons: > [@](#): > > “Hi, you’ve reached Sarneems, and she’s gotten me, her beloved and cute younger sister to record her message for her. She’s not avavilable to answer the phone right now, as she’s either out or in the washroom. Most likely she’s in the washroom, so call back in five minutes! Bye!” After she left, I erased some other weird message she left on the machine (I forget what it is, now), and kept the default. My friend Shannon keeps saying that she thinks she’s reached a wrong number whenever she calls me, though. (then has to doublecheck to make sure that she did dial the right number) I wouldn’t change it for that, however. Still, this thread isgiving me a lot of ideas for a new message. 🙂 F\_X ---
**Author:** ![TalkAboutIslam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4da419/32.png) [@TalkAboutIslam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TalkAboutIslam)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2002, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/123 "2002-11-29T02:16:00Z")
> [@](#): > > riggstx, who registered in September 1999, and has 5 posts; > > Calanctus, who registered in August 2001, and has 6 posts; > > Pez, who registered in May 2000, and has 6 posts; > > DelosD, who registered in April 2000, and has 2 posts; > > arjee, who registered in March 2001, and has 3 posts; > > Lumps, who registered in August 2000, and has 1 post; and… > > MikeS, who registered in October 2001, and has 1 post where did you get those acronyms or abbreviations from ?? ---
**Author:** ![TalkAboutIslam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4da419/32.png) [@TalkAboutIslam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TalkAboutIslam)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2002, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/124 "2002-11-29T02:17:01Z")
I mean why you chose those abbreviations … ---
**Author:** ![Stccrd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8797f3/32.png) [@Stccrd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stccrd)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2002, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/125 "2002-11-29T03:00:55Z")
Christmas time comes once a year, that is why we aren’t here, we’ve gone out to by a gift or two, But don’t get excited - its not for you! ---
**Author:** ![EMT\_Mike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/34f0e0/32.png) [@EMT\_Mike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EMT_Mike)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2002, 6:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/126 "2002-11-29T06:48:43Z")
The simpsons messages are the best! They are definetly finding a way onto my machine! ---
**Author:** ![TalkAboutIslam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4da419/32.png) [@TalkAboutIslam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TalkAboutIslam)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2002, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/127 "2002-11-29T15:24:53Z")
why the simpsons messages , Mike… why those ?? ---
**Author:** ![drollman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f04885/32.png) [@drollman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drollman)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2002, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/128 "2002-11-29T17:20:28Z")
Around the Droll household, our answering machien goes like this (Trying to make it sound like the line is cutting in and out:) “Hi, --u’ve reach the Dr— res—dence. —ease leave a message and we-- --all you back.” Even repeat callers have said “Dude, you’re machine’s screwed…” Drollman! Over 200 posts with a spelling mistake! ---
**Author:** ![TalkAboutIslam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4da419/32.png) [@TalkAboutIslam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TalkAboutIslam)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2002, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/129 "2002-11-29T17:47:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by drollman \* > \*\*Around the Droll household, our answering machien goes like this > > (Trying to make it sound like the line is cutting in and out:) > “Hi, --u’ve reach the Dr— res—dence. —ease leave a message and we-- --all you back.” > > Even repeat callers have said “Dude, you’re machine’s screwed…” > Drollman! Over 200 posts with a spelling mistake! \*\* lol yeah, you too . your machine is … not you’re machine is … 😛 ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mermaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2002, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/130 "2002-11-29T20:59:48Z")
From Thanksgiving to Christmas “Hello, we are not home right now cause we are out shopping for your present. Please leave a message or any gift suggestions after the beep” From Christmas to New Year Hello we are not home right now cause we are out returning all the presents we got for Christmas. All except your’s of course. It was great. Please leave a message. ---
**Author:** ![december](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/838e76/32.png) [@december](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/december)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2002, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/131 "2002-11-29T21:51:49Z")
Mine is _December and Joan Can’t come to the phone. So, please leave a message Right after the tone._ ---
**Author:** ![TalkAboutIslam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4da419/32.png) [@TalkAboutIslam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TalkAboutIslam)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2002, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/132 "2002-11-29T23:17:57Z")
LOOOOL that is very poetic… really… ---
**Author:** ![Honey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honey/32/5074_2.png) [@Honey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Honey)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2002, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/133 "2002-11-30T01:52:11Z")
My machine currently says: “If you are Joe Montana press 1” “If you are Tiger Woods press 2” “If you are Steven Hawking press 3” “Anyone else, please hang up” ---
**Author:** ![TalkAboutIslam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4da419/32.png) [@TalkAboutIslam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TalkAboutIslam)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2002, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/134 "2002-11-30T02:03:09Z")
Honey, that is not very friendly… be ware… ---
**Author:** ![TalkAboutIslam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4da419/32.png) [@TalkAboutIslam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TalkAboutIslam)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2002, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/135 "2002-11-30T02:04:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Honey \* > \*\*My machine currently says: > > “If you are Joe Montana press 1” > “If you are Tiger Woods press 2” > “If you are Steven Hawking press 3” > “Anyone else, please hang up” \*\* what if your father calls ?? what if your mum rings you ??? what if your brother or sister misses you one day and wishes to call you ??? you are sure of that message ??? ---
**Author:** ![Honey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honey/32/5074_2.png) [@Honey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Honey)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2002, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/136 "2002-11-30T04:02:20Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by TalkAboutIslam \* > \*\*what if your father calls ?? > > what if your mum rings you ??? > > what if your brother or sister misses you one day and wishes to call you ??? > > you are sure of that message ??? \*\* No Father, Brothers, Sisters or other family except my mom. My Mom and my **2** friends know I’m joking and leave a message. ---
**Author:** ![Alias](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a88e4f/32.png) [@Alias](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alias)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2002, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/137 "2002-11-30T05:47:22Z")
A few years ago, my husband and I were church shopping for a place to get married because we didn’t have a church we attended. Anyway, I eventually called a Unitarian Church and heard _You have reached Heeeeeeeeaaaaaaaven’s Gate. We’re either too busy to answer the phone, or we’ve hitched a ride on comet Haaaaaaaaaaaaale-Bop._ We’re still not sure what that was all about. Who knew Unitarians had such bizarre senses of humor? ---
**Author:** ![TalkAboutIslam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4da419/32.png) [@TalkAboutIslam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TalkAboutIslam)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2002, 5:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/138 "2002-11-30T05:56:37Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Honey \* > \*\*No Father, Brothers, Sisters or other family except my mom. > > My Mom and my **2** friends know I’m joking and leave a message. \*\* 😕 😕 no father ?? how did you come to this world ? no brothers ??? no sisters ??? no other family ??? how come ??? where is your family ??? where is your mum’s family ? ---
**Author:** ![Honey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honey/32/5074_2.png) [@Honey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Honey)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2002, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/139 "2002-11-30T06:06:19Z")
**TalkAboutIslam** My father died when I was 17. I am an only child. My mother was taken from away her mother and sister when she was a little girl when her father remarried and does not know where her mother and sister are or if they are still alive (she has never been able to find them). Happy Ramadan to you, welcome to the boards, I hope we can learn from each other. ---
**Author:** ![TeaElle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8491ac/32.png) [@TeaElle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TeaElle)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2002, 6:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000/140 "2002-11-30T06:27:54Z")
**Honey** methinks you are far too nice. For the record, Mr. tlw, baby tlw and I conspired on our message thusly: Him: Hi, you’ve reached the household of the Lewis-Wicks. Me: That’s Davis, Tracey and Danielle. Him: Leave a message for us after the sound. And at that point, the baby (inspired by copious tickling from Daniel Striped Tiger) laughs and laughs up to the beep. It’s very cutesy, or at least I think so. As she gets older, I’m sure her increasing vocabulary will be a regular feature. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whats-the-funniest-weirdest-answering-machine-message-youve-ever-heard/138000.md?page=8)